THE FULL MINTY
Part shoddy crib, part yes-I-actually-watched-it-this-week. And I want two hours of my life back, please.

Operation Skin Minty is up and running again. I can't really get a handle on this on-again-off-again femme fatale business. Especially as the femme isn't exactly fatale and keeps blethering in mock Welsh while her rat-faced boyfriend/brother lurks in the background. I can only guess that it's leading up to some kind of explosive finale involving Kissing Sid, some Castrol GTX, and a set of adjustable spanners. Until then we have to put up with Minty mooching around, sighing every time he sees a blonde hair (Note to Minty: stop watching Hollyoaks), Kissing Sid looks mean and shifty and tells SJ that he's outta there if SJ doesn't get back together with Minty and wring the rest of his huge mechanic's salary out of him. They'd be better off targeting Jim, wouldn't they? Or the Bealemeister. He's got a thing about calculating, man-faced blondes.

Minty mooches around at the Arches. AGarry smugly tells Minty that SJ is no better than she should be, the hussy. Minty sighs and sees SJ bouncing towards him, hair swinging, grimacing until her eyes disappear, and decides to treat her to lunch in the pub. Kissing Sid appears again, and makes mean, shifty comments about not wanting his sister to go out with a tightwad. Minty gets drunk on three beers and goes back to finish off the service on the Bealewagon.

Oh yes, Ian orders PJane to get the Bealewagon serviced by Anybody But Fill before sunset or there will be trouble, and then flounces off to the accountants. PJane doesn't say: "Do it yourself, fishface", and spends a morning buttering toast and calling mechanics. I mean, how difficult is it to get a car serviced in London? She can't find anybody to take the car and secretly sends the car to the Arches anyway. Ian finds out, refuses to pay for the service, and there are non-comedy shenanigans when Ian tries to sneak the car out of the yard (Fill lies in the back seat and goes: "Boo!" if you must know).

On the other side of the square, the Slaters are bored of the plot cupboard and are off to Lanzarote. Well, Mo and Prison Bitch Bert are. Apparently Posh Slater (remember her? The one with the wigs) has a villa out there or something. Davetta wants BroJo all to herself, so pays for JoJo to join them - but she has to get BroJo to give JoJo the money because JoJo doesn't want any gangster dosh. Then Bradley gets to go too. But PB Bert is scared of flying and tries to persuade Mo that Mablethorpe is much more bracing for people their age. BroJo is all smirky and tries to steal one of Davetta's rent cheques so that he can go on a spree at Lawrence Corner. But Davetta wants to go for a lovely walk and a picnic with home-made sandwiches, not even M&S ones. BroJo: thwarted.

Prison Bitch Bert manages to dodge the EasyJet flight and returns to the Slater tardis. Davetta: thwarted. BroJo: strangely uninterested.

An utterly dreadful Health Visitor patronises Phoney, just as she was getting the hang of feeding the Cutest Baby in the WORLD*. Phoney does that starey thing again and hands the baby back to Billy. How can Phoney not bond with that little darling? NotDavid moves in and sends Phoney off to be pampered. But Phoney doesn't go, and there's more staring into space and going "aggh!" every time Billy suggests they let the baby have some fresh air. Foxy Doctor intervenes and points out that Petal (?!) is indeed the Cutest Baby Evah. Phoney holds Petal for a bit, and Billy tells her that she'll be a great mother. NotDavid departs for some work in Kent.

Minty gets into trouble with Fill and gets sacked after he points out that somebody with Fill's relationship/parenting/drinking history has no business dishing out advice on how to deal with women. Fill cheers himself up by buying the video shop for Ben. I'm with Grace Dent on this one. What kind of present is that for a ten-year-old? Maybe if you got rid of the videos and boring DVDs and filled it with Lego Bionicles and Megabloks dragon thingumajigs you might be onto something there Fill...but even a shop full of copies of Van Wilder: Party Liaison wouldn't do much for most small boys.

In other news, BroJo amuses himself by making silent phone calls to Lee, sending him junk mail about retirement homes, and generally being a dick. Dear producers: if you're going to create a handsome-but-troubled sociopath, could you at least give him something decently crazy to do? One misdirected Stannah stair lift brochure does not a reign of terror make. I reckon he fancies Lee, and this is the only way he knows of communicating his love.

PJane writes a cheque for the car service. Does this woman have "Doormat" tattooed across her forehead? Ian has an accident because Minty didn't put the wheels on properly and is cross. Minty is too busy shagging SJ to care. But Winston gets at least ten lines after Ian ploughs into his stall. Go Winston! Tell it like it is! Ian storms back to the Arches and accuses Fill of trying to kill him. Fill says: "Ha, if I really wanted to kill you, I'd tell you that your girlfriend shagged my brother...oh..."

Ian apparently storms off into the night, and PJane gets worried when he isn't around the following morning. Don't worry PJ, he's probably got Juhneen's address somewhere. Fill swears on his mother's life that he didn't tell Ian about PJ and Grunt.

Meanwhile Minty is wracked with guilt - given the number of times he and Fill have tried to hurt Ian very badly, I'm not quite sure what he's on about here. Anyway, Fill tries to blame Minty and chuck SJ out. Minty blames Fill, and there's lots of pink-faced shouting.

Ian returns with that sneery look on his face and asks PJane to marry him. PJane doesn't stop to think about what has happened to at least two of Ian's ex-wives and says yes. Nooooo! Run Panto Jane! Run!