BROJO RISING
Pantojane is suspicious about Ian’s creepy ass proposal and who can blame her. She wonders if he knows about the affair! Gasp! But he says no and that he truly lurves her. Ian goes to see Fill and tells him not to tell PJane that Ian knows about her sordid shenans with Guh-want, as Ian doesn’t want her to know until he dumps her at the altar (probably). Jane makes him propose again and accepts this time. Ruh roh. DC Lucy says she enjoys going to her dad’s frequent weddings. Bitch. Jane wants a quiet wedding but Ian announces it to all at the Vic on purpose. I bet this is all a psych out and Ian is going to be as good as gold. Jane must be exceptional at shot calling type activities, is all I’m sayin’

Moomin and MMartin (sigh) are getting ready for Chloebecca’s birthday. Poline of course is a heinous witch and keeps plotting to cut Moomin out of everything. Moomin grasses her up to Martin.

There is non comedy nonsense re Mrs Goggins and Parklife being embarrassed about Pat etc hearing their loud sex noises. Mrs Goggins then has a row with Yolande about some change or something and then goes to apologise when she realises that she was in the wrong. Her and Yolande bond (of course, as they are both black ladies ) and sing a song together at krapaoke..

Next day. Trinidad hears that his friend off of Desmonds has died. The friend was in a motown type group with Trinidad and some other blokes (we’ll call it the 5 tops) and then OMG, what are the chances – it turns out that Mrs Goggins never knew her father but did know that he was in the 5 Tops . Wow, this plot is so half baked that I’m getting salmonella just writing about it. If it turns out that TriniDad really is Mrs Goggins dad then I will have no choice but to go on a rampage of some kind.

GADawn is worried that the Vic is not busy enough to keep her employed and suggest that Babs gets the Blazin Squad or someone in to bring in the crowds. Wow, Dawn really is as stupid as she looks. Babs says yes but then welshes on the deal and gets karaoke in instead. Babs sings “My Way” (I would have preferred it if she had sung “My humps” instead, tee hee). Moomin and martin sing something (“I got you (pregnant then ran over your boyfriend and married you anyway) babe” perhaps) while Poline makes the bitchface in one corner. Next day, she keeps trying to set him up with birds and make him go out on the pull etc. Weirdo. All her plans seem to come to fruition when they go to a thing at school and martin meets a hot teacher he knew from when he was a kid.

BroJo and Lee continue their homoerotic feud for Davetta’s VERY SOUL. I suggest naked wrestling. BroJo resorts to dirty tricks like breaking into Lee’s house and making spooky noises etc. At one point he hilariously mocks up the ghost of Ethel 2.0 to give Lee the shits. It would have been funnier if he had actually dressed up as Ethel 2.0 himself and then humped out with a knife going “eeeeee!!!” like in Psycho. Lee shouts and acts all crazy mad nutcase. Dozy Davetta tells BroJo not to miss with Lee as Lee once shot his brother in Epping, just to watch him die. Brojo does a patented hug/look over shoulder/evil face combo. I am getting a bit sick of BroJo’s evil faces and also think he needs a haircut. And to get his kit off more often.

Brojo goes to taunt Lee with his newfound knowledge and Lee whines to Davetta for telling BroJo important facts. Davetta loves BroJo. Tells Lee to leave off etc and so on. Rinse, repeat. Lee offers to pay BroJo off but BroJo says “bwa ha ha, I will steal everything off that stupid ballroom dancing brat! Bwa ha ha”. Instead of, like taping him or filming him say that (using the club’s magic CCTV system), Lee phones Tony Bennett in prison and says “help!”

Southern Jezebel SJ is still ripping off the Minster. St Gus is annoyed that he is spending money on SJ when he can’t pay his rent etc. Naomi and AGarry fret about him and arrange for Fill to let him have his job back. Agarry spots Stupid Jaws actually snogging Sid in broad daylight. Dun dun dunhhh! Minty prepares a special meal for SJ but she is too busy sexing up her creepy brotherlover. Afterwards they start bickering and SJ squeals “I want a byebee, Seed!” about 50 times in a row. Gary goes round to tell Minty about his kissing news and they have an argument about SJ. Minty admits that one time he found them naked and there was a perfectly good explanation ie they both fell in a puddle and had to change their clothes and then Sid bruised his penis and SJ had to kiss it better etc etc. AG gets him to go straight round to SJ’s dingy bedsit and they find her and Seed in bed. Minty makes a sad face.

Next day (a lot of stuff is happening next day in this blog) Minty is putting as brave face on his incest/cuckold shame. SJ and Sid have completely disappeared (forevah, hopefully). AGarry goes for a chat, but Minty says he is fine. AG doesn’t believe him. They argue and AG says that he thinks Minty knew that SJ was ripping him off but let her get away with it because he was so desperate and hornay. Minty punches AG in the face. Gasp! AG is shocked! They had talked about trying some S&M but hadn’t agreed on a safe word yet! AG runs off to cry and cross “Mr Garry Mintster” off the front of his exercise book. Minty is so ashamed that he packs his bags to leave town. AG begs him to stay and asks him to move back in and Minty does a cute little smile and agrees. Awwww. Re-united and it feels so good!

(OFF TOPIC NEWS!!! Me and Sarah write about Robin Hood and Strictly Come Dancing on TV Dinners and I have done another bit of the capital-ring walk - through the east end OMG!!)