FINGER RIPPING GOOD

Tony Bennet hires a new waitress who is sassy and has moxy etc. I guess this is Honey the Honey Trap lady (DO YOU SEE WHAT THEY DID THERE???). She looks like a cross between Tara Para Rara Tompkinson and Raquel off Corrie and flirts with Tony Bennet and rubs his shoulders. ETina tells her to keep her hands off her man. Catfight? Honey and Tony have a creepy crypto incest type conversation about whether or not Honey has a good relationship with her dad. Honey says she would obey her Dad, if he asked her nicely, so Tony asks her nicely to take off all her clothes. Honey obeys – eww, more like Hussy than Honey, methinks – and Tony just walks out and leaves her standing nekkid in his office. Doh!

GADawn has taken an instant dislike to Dole Scum Keef. Sensible girl.

Minty and AGarry have taken to skiving off work, lying on the sofa, drinking a lot and vomiting. Perhaps they’ve read next month’s scripts. Ian runs around telling them off but to no avail.

For some reason, Trinidad decides that he wants to take on the car lot, even though he knows nothing about cars, or business, or anything. Jim props up his childish dreams whereas Charlie tries to be sensible.

More Martin/Moomin growing apartness. Moomin goes to Tate Modern with her friends and Martin says he will go too but then bails out. The way they go on about Tate Modern you would think it was full of performance artists hitting each other with fish and shouting “This is my happening and it’s freaking me out!” etc. Poline finds the annual birthday card that Moomin writes (but does not send) to Moominspawn and pops it in the post, because she is an interfering old hag. Great, we’re having this plot yet again. Dear EE writers – are we going to have this every six months until Moominspawn is 18 because if so then SHOOT ME NOW!!! Moomingran pops round and says that the card was so moving that she has decided to invite everyone round to the birthday party. Moomin is uncontactable so Poline and Martin go round to the party and then decide not to tell Moomin about it. Great plan.

This week is all about Tony Bennett losing the plot. Davetta and Jojo creep into the club and search in his safe for proof that he is a gangster. They find an actual gun just as Tony arrives. Tony admits that yes, he was a gangster and killed some people etc etc but he still loves Davetta and wants to be a good dad. The girls run off and Davetta smashes up Tony Bennet’s living room in a rage. They try and make it look like a burglary before running off to the Slaters’ but Tony finds Davetta’s Next-looking watch and knows it was her. Slutty won’t let him in to see Davetta so he phones the cops and gets Jojo arrested.

Meanwhile, in a section I like to call “plots I don’t remotely care about” – Fool arranges for a cop-style strippergram bloke to “arrest” Ethel 2.0. However, before this can occur, Ethel spots JoJo being dragged off by a copper and goes and stamps on his foot and knocks his hat off. The copper arrests her too. Meanwhile the strippergram tries to arrest Pat instead and she puts the smackdown on him. Oh my sides, etc. Slutty and Fool meet at the police station and she tells him off for not looking after his gran. Ethel and JoJo are both released.

There is lots of to-ing and fro-ing with Davetta and Tony Bennet that is hard to keep straight in my head. Davetta asks Pat to tell the truth about her dad but Pat wisely does not want to get involved. Davetta asks Babs and so Babs tells her a charming story about how once Tony mutilated a hooker’s hand so she lost some of her fingers. Ouch. Also she mentions that Davetta probably lost her mum and sister due to gangland shenanigans. Davetta: “I hate you dad, blah blah!” ETina ponces around in the background pulling tortured faces. Tony Bennett tells her off for being annoying. Word. Tony tries to buy Davetta’s love by getting her a sweet car and some driving lessons for her 17th birthday. Davetta has a bratty fit and manages to smash up Ian and Jim’s cars while trying to drive away (jojo’s advice that driving an automatic is like “the dodgems” turns out not to be 100% accurate.) Tony drags Davetta into the house by the arm and goes all gangsta on her ass – saying that though he loves her he will “break her” if she continues to defy him. Hmm, somehow I don’t think they advise “breaking” your child in Dr Spock or whatever. Jojo runs away and goes to stay with Pat and Babs.

Babs and Tony feud repeatedly – Tony tries to suggest that he lets people make out he is a thug to improve his reputation and that actually he is a pussycat. Babs is not buying it. Also she is a Mitchell, perhaps you weren’t aware of that. He makes fun of the fact that Sham and Fill are in chokey and that Grant is away in Brazil learning how to make (and spell) capairinhas. He finds out that Sham’s new solicitor (giant lady with icy white hair) is a bit dodgy and mocks Babs for being a hypocrite. Finally he says that he wants Jojo back at home by 5 pm OR ELSE!!!

Babs mutters that she won’t be told what to do. Pat tries to be sensible and says that Babs hasn’t got any muscle to protect her and she should just do what he says. Davetta realises that she is stuck in the middle of a Babs/Tony feud and that Babs is basically using her. As the deadline approaches, Babs sends Billy to round up some muscle (ie Minty and Agarry. ha ha ha) but they are drunk again and even more useless than one might expect. Billy is too chicken to go back on his own so he sits in Minty’s fetid flat with his hands over his ears going “la la la I can’t hear you” to his phone. Tony comes round at the appointed hour and Babs answers the door with the chain on – they bicker a bit more and Babs says that Davetta doesn’t want to see him. Tony says “Ok then, fair enough” and asks Babs to pass on some birthday cards to Davetta. Then when Babs reaches to take the cards he – OH MY GOD –slams the door shut on her fingers and turns completely evil! He is all “Do not defy me! I mutilated that hooker’s hand for laffs and I’d do it again in a second! If you still want to be able to count to ten tomorrow you will return my daughter to me, Wig Woman!!! Bwa ha ha!” He stomps off and leaves Babs snivelling in the hallway. Wow, that was awesome!!!