DAWN OF THE DUD
Les types muppetiques ont retournee a Walford et donc le blog is now in English again. Phew! It turns out that Bealemeister and PantoJane are back from Bournemouth earlier than expected, so Minty and AGarry have to hustle and a-bustle to get their car fixed in time. Then Ian finds a string of garlic or a frogs leg in the glove compartment and the jig, it is up. He fines them and tells them off. Somehow Dasbo gets a job as Ian’s new minion.

Girl Aloud Dawn is esconced in the bosom of her family. Everyone is pleased to see her but she gets all arsey because she thinks Rosie Klebb is smothering her. She don’t need no good advice! Etc. Rosie finds a letter from a hospital in GADawn’s things and is worried. Dawn squeals that Rosie is being too nosey and that she just needs a minor operation on her lady parts, but now can’t afford the private clinic she has booked. Rosie decides to have a collection at her 40th birthday party (the reason for the booze cruise, it seems) to put towards the operation. 40?? Is that in dog years?? GADawn realises that her family really love her and decides to stay indefinitely, or until X-Factor is over at any rate.

Bu bu but wait a minute! There is a mysterious sister called Dawn who suddenly appears and everyone pretends that she existed all along??? OMG it is the same plot to that season of Buffy which was a bit shit – all over again!!! Does that mean that Demi is the Chosen One then?

Dawn goes into hospital for her mystery op and everyone is worried etc. Meanwhile Demi is sad about Leo so Keef comforts her by talking about pigeons. Don’t ask me. In the end they decide to go to hospital to visit GADawn and it turns out she has used the money to have a boob job. Heh.

Ethel 2.0 has a scan and they find out that she has a dangerously enlarged… thing… in her… somewhere. It’s serious anyway and would be too risky too operate at her age. Alternatively, the doctor has decided that she is too irritating to live. Fool makes the Sad Face and they decide to do all the things that Ethel wanted to do but never got round to … coming up: Ethel tries some “happy slapping”, Ethel snorts coke from the pert buttocks of a Brazilian gigolo, Ethel attends a bare knuckle boxing match. Etc.

Martin sits at home while Naomi and Moomin go out. Rinse repeat etc. Moomin continues interviewing smelly tramps about health care and one of the tramps takes umbrage and starts manhandling her. Gasp! She doesn’t seem to have any Moomin Powers to activate and ends up being saved by a picturesque homeless lady (who is possibly played by the “sexy gran” from Little Britain). Martin is cross. Later on they make up and he cooks for her, but Moomin has yet another work/Martin-lovin’ conflict. Zzzz. We get the message – can we move on now, please? thanks

Lee is suspicious (and also a lot posher than he was that he joined the show). He asks LadyDen if she Did It and she lies to his face. Babs tries to talk Jojo into telling the Truth. Unfortunately Jojo does not yell back “The Truth! You can’t handle the TRUTH!!!” Jojo is worried that she might be preverting the course of justice, so Slutty tells her all and explains why they have to protect Teen and her metal dog wielding ways. Later on JoJo goes to LadyDen and says she is going to rot in the fiery pits of hell for what she’s done. Steady on, love. Jojo then blackmails Ladyden for spending money and then throws said spending money back in her face. LadyDen is sad. Lee overhears LadyDen being harangued by both JoJo and Babs and again asks LadyDen for the TRUTH!!! She flinches dramatically and, when she thinks Lee is going to leave her, eventually admits killing O-Den in self defence. Lee admits that he stood around and let Tony Bennett introduce Byrite’s branes to the tarmac of the North Circular. What an adorable couple. They spend about three episodes running around, crying and shouting through each other’s letter boxes until they finally realise that they lurve each other and want to stay together – they decide to Sell The Vic and Make A New Start. That always works out really well for people, doesn’t it?

Poline, Queen of Miserabilism, is sick of people gossiping about her and Straight Pike. After all, she is a proper Amish lady whose morals are without approach in her strictly religious community. Oh, wait a minute – she isn’t and who cares?? Naomi and Moomin confuse her with their talk of “the rules” as to when she should phone him etc, so she decides to stop seeing him for no good reason. Dot and Moomin persuade her that she should give him a chance and so Poline gets dolled up for a date at the restaurant. At dinner they have a long and boring talk about how Straight Pike is v sad and lonely. Also they wonder what it might mean if Poline orders filthy sinful French cuisine with sauce on it (ie. is she easy?). The answer must be yes: they go back to Poline’s for a coffee and are about to snog when Martin interrupts them.

Shazza and Denman are back from Spain. Shazza has achieved near radioactive levels of orangeness. LadyDen is wracked with guilt and wants to confess to Shazza! The police! Anyone! Lee tells her not to be so stoopid. There is a hilarious shot of LadyDen sat in the bathroom with her hair all bedraggled, looking like a melancholy afhan hound. In the end, LadyDen decides not to confess and offers Shazza'n'Denman the Vic - Shazza can’t be arsed to buy it as she is leaving this train wreck of a soap as soon as she possibly can. LadyDen suggests that Lee tries to blackmail Tony Bennett into buying it. That’s a great plan, esp as Lee is so scared to see Tony Bennett that you can practically hear his knees knocking. He tries it on and Tony somehow guesses that LadyDen killed O-Den. He shouts at Lee and tells him to never bother him again. Doh. ETina is back but she doesn’t do much except for wear a weird top that looks like part of a 1940s swimming costume.

Babs is still strutting round like a transvestite bulldog. Billy follows her around, looking resigned and muttering “Just leave it, she’s not worth it” every few minutes. Babs gets herself barred from the Vic and tries to convince New Different Lady Copper that LadyDen is guilty, dammit. She offers to buy the Vic off LadyDen and LadyDen is so desperate that she is tempted to accept – after all, she has asked all of two people if they want to buy it and it’s not as though there are such things as estate agents and catering trade papers where she could advertise the sale. Sigh. LadyDen is about to accept Babs offer when Tony Bennett comes in and says that he shall buy the Vic after all. Babs makes a sour face and waves her little fist at Tony. It’s been at least six months since we had the Vic Ownership Conflict – I suppose it’s easier to have it again rather than think of any new stories.