MOTHRATKINS VS GOGGINZILLA

I'm off on holiday tomorrow and an't think of anything to top Sarah's ace post - so here's a quick rundown of last week's so-called action...

1. News starts to spread about Dot and Jim’s stupid plot baby, who spends all Monday’s episode crying non stop, the poor little thing. They have the family round for dinner and Jim quickly explains that it is Nick’s son that he sired by knocking up a nurse whilst in cancer prison hospital. That makes about as much sense as the real plot. Abi notices that baby “George” looks a lot like baby Tomasz so Dot tells her to shut up. Everyone is a bit non plussed/sceptical. Dadley mocks Jim fro being paternal finally. Jim says “Shut up, haven’t you got a barely legal trollop to be messing round with?” not really.
2. But it’s still true! Jojo comes back from her holiday and starts canoodling with Dadley. He tells her that his marriage is in trouble but JoJo later discovers that this is a lie.
3. DVDLi chucks all of Gus’ stuff out of his cupboard and put a padlock on the door. Gus is all “Hey! That’s my plot cupboard where I live for most of the year!” Mickney discovers that she has set up the world’s smallest weed farm in the cupboard and has a dramatic confrontation. DVDLi whines that she has to do anything – ANYTHING – for money now that she has to support herself, her old ma and Mickney. Mickney says he will get a job and is interviewed by Bradley’s firm. I’m not sure what job he is going for – do banks actually need Jesters/Motley fools?
4. Cruestella tells Ben that “address” only has one “d” so he fails a test. Bwa ha ha. Fill buys him a lap top and Cruestella is cross because she wants Fill to buy her shiny presents instead!! Ben tries to talk to Fil about Cruestela’s reign of terror but Fill has a hilarious EE type misunderstanding and thinks he is talking about puberty instead. Fill is all “It’s art of growing up and becoming a man!”
5. Fill says he will propose to Cruestella properly and gives her a wad of dirty bloodstained £20 notes to buy herself an engagement ring. Classy! Why didn’t he just drop an Elizabeth Duke catalogue in her lap and be done with it! He wants them all to go away together but Stella tells Ben to make sure he is left behind, so he smashes up the bogs at school so he has to be punished by Fill. Fill and Stella go away and Fill proposes by hiding the ring in a bacon bap from a white van in a lay by. Ha ha ha, oh Stella can’t you find a nice middle class man to terrorise! They end up going back for Ben anyway as Fill misses him.
6. Annoying Deano moves in with Atkins but says he will go to Parklife’s stag do and wedding anyway. Mrs G says she doesn’t want a hen do but all her family/friends (they don’t actually need to rope in a bunch of extras as Mrs G actually has friends OMG!!) chuck a few triple vodkas down her neck and she is all systems go (her drunk acting is not bad actually!). Goddess Pat sees that Atkins is at the bar making hacky faces and goes and tells her to git out of Walford and no one wants her and Parklife has moved on and wants to be happy with Mrs G etc and so on. Atkins says that Pat is a dried up old slapper and will have no family once Parklife and Mrs G get married and move out. They carry on arguing and eventually go outside and have an awesome catfight with slapping, throwing onto car bonnets and kung fu kicks (from Atkins, though I would love to see Pat lay down a hefty axe kick). A handily passing police van breaks them up and while they are on the way to the cells Atkins mentions that she shagged Parklife recently, so there.
7. I miss the actual unfeasibly quick wedding but there is the usual will they/won’t they bollocks without which no soap wedding is complete. Pat warns Parklife that Atkins is in marriage wrecking mode so in the end he tells Goggins himself, adding that he was “depressed” when the act of joyless carnal hoo-ha took place – excellent excuse there, Parklife. Mrs Goggins says (a) Ew! And (b) She’ll have to think about it. While she’s wandering round in her non traditional maroon outfit, Atkins comes over to spill the beans and is such a cow that this somehow makes Mrs G decide to go through with the wedding. Don’t ask me… Atkins is all ”Bah, you might have foiled me this time.. but I’ll be back!”.

OEDIPUS VEX

Imagine yourself at a EE script conference. I imagine these take place in the cellar of some private drinking club. As dwarves in tutus rollerskate between the participants, bearing the drug of choice, plus a stiff chaser, the producers lounge on giant chaise lounges, occasionally yelling with glee as the next shivering scriptwriter is dragged from a softly moaning heap of rags in the corner. The head producer wipes her hands on a runner's Prada scarf and eyes the pitiful figure before her.

HEAD PRODUCER: Which one are you again? Ah yes. We've had to ditch the exchange arrangement with Bad Girls. Jim Fenner made outrageous demands for a believable character that wouldn't immediately sink his career after three shows, so the deal's off. We're keeping Atkins for a bit, but they want the Tall Julie one back. What's she doing right now? Oh well, get her to kiss Minty, throw in a bit of mother/son bonding, and send her back to Brighton. Are we putting the plot cupboard in Brighton these days? How charming. NEXT!

Grateful that she has escaped another ritual humiliation at the hands of Sid Owen, the writer scuttles back into her corner.

HEAD PRODUCER: Who's next then? Chop chop! Time is licence payers' money! Hmmm...this Ben/Cruestella plot. Not quite sure what's going on here, but those On High say that we've got to do some bullying thing. So keep up the good work. What's that? You want to raise the stakes? Fill is going to notice that something's wrong, but he'll get the wrong idea? Speak up!

SCRIPTWRITER: Errr...well, I thought Fill could notice that something is wrong, but being such a dreadful father, would think that Cruestella has it covered.

HEAD PRODUCER: SILENCE! I HAVE AN IDEA. Even better than that, we have a chance for one of those two handers that we usually reserve for Dot and a lucky stooge. Who can we have...think think...

SCRIPTWRITER: How about Dadley? The symmetry between the -

HEAD PRODUCERS: Bald Heads! Yes I know! It'll be like living Gilbert & George, only without the poo. Well, they'll have to talk shit, but you know what I mean. I like the cut of your jib, young...I'm sorry are you male or female? It's hard to tell with those EE-issue uniforms and haircuts. Anyway, not that it matters. Write some stuff about fatherly bonding and up the ante with Stella's torment. How is she abusing him, by the way? Chinese burns on arms? Oh, and throw in an awkward conversation about birds and bees. That'll sort the kid out for another week.

Hang on...I haven't finished with you yet. Since you're such an ideas...whatever...you can also handle the Goggins/Parklife wedding. I want them married by May.

SCRIPTWRITER: I thought doctors couldn't perform weddings...

HEAD PRODUCER: No, not Dr Foxxy, fool! May the month. We haven't had an unfeasibly quick wedding for a while. Make Mrs Goggins decide on 27 April, which is also the anniversary of The Death of St Jimbo. See? I know my Easties lore... That'll give Deano a chance to earn some acting spurs.

SCRIPTWRITER: But...Deano?

HEAD PRODUCER: Nothing too hard, just let him pout a bit over at Atkins's place and do his hilarious drunk acting thing. Carly can do that screwy up face and scream a bit, and the teens'll love it. Make sure he takes his shirt off too. Oh, and give her a cough. I like coughs...

Alright then, who have we got left? Hmmm.... Dadley and JoJo...running out of ideas with those two. Just get her to send him saucy text messages and maybe one of the kids will find it or something. Do 40-year-olds know how to do photo messaging? Must ask my mum.

What else? Oh, Dot and Jim and that baby. Oh I don't know. Can't she come up with some story about it being Nick's? Oh he's had cancer and been in prison forever, hasn't he? How about a ghost baby? We'll rope in the blonde Tanyette and freak out the Beale Devil Children some more.

Oh, there's a point. Prison Bitch Bert. Has he gone blind yet? No? well, get that zombie-faced kid to save him, and get him to the hospital. There's potential in that relationship. We could have another set of Cottons if Dot decides to take her walking frame and go.

sycophantic laughter from the writers' corner...

DID I SAY YOU COULD SPEAK? That's better. Now...time for pudding...

THE TRUE MEANING OF EASTER = STEALING BABIES FROM ROMANIAN CRACK WHORES, APPARENTLY
Every so often, EE comes up with a plot that is so utterly crazy/mad/nutcase that all you can do is stare at the screen open mouthed and wonder what on earth they were thinking of. I am recalling such classics as “Babs goes to Spain for Fur-wank’s funeral only to discover that he has faked his own death and is in cahoots with Rula Lenska”, or “The Teen Muppets crash their minibus in the icy wastes of Scotland and Teen and that other girl lez up for 5 minutes.” You can normally tell when something mental is going to happen because location shooting is involved and this week is no exception.

Whenever they don’t know what to do with Dot, they reel out their copy of “Ingmar Bergman for Dummies” and have her having a crisis of faith or whinging on about the Silence of God or something (they haven’t yet had Dot being raped by God in the form of a giant spider, but I’m sure it won’t be long). This week, Jim notes that Dot is sad and takes her on a day trip to where they used to go hop picking in Kent in their youth. Nothing says “holiday” like back-breaking agricultural labour, that’s for sure. Dot goes to pester her old vicar, only he isn’t there any more and there is a nice lady vicar instead. Nice Lady Vicar gives her directions to see Old Dead Vicar’s son, who turns out to be television’s Dennis Pennis.

Dennis and Dot have a fascinating theological conversation where Dennis tries to lay all this newfangled relativistic hoo ha on Dot and she is all “la la la, I’m not listening”. Something happens to make her think her about Nick, so she goes back to church and whines prays about being a bad mother and asks for a sign to prove that she isn’t. As it happens a hard faced girl is dumping her little baby on the doorstep of the church at that very second, so Dot decides to take it home with her. Right.

In other news, Agarry discovers that Sullen has got engaged and acts a bit mardy. He is supposed to sign the mortgage papers with Minty and Naomi but instead makes some mysterious phonecalls and then buggers off to a Registry Office, leaving a handy clue for the others (like a big poster stuck to the wall saying “Don’t forget to go the Registry Office” or something). Minty is cross that his non gay non lover is getting married to someone else. When Agarry gets to the office, he meets a middle aged blonde lady wearing a cowboy hat who gives him a big kiss and tells him she thought he wasn’t going to come. WTF???

Jim (and every sane person in the audience) wants to know what the hell is going on, but Dot insists that they’re keeping the baby (while overacting like crazy to register her much publicised disapproval of such a crappy storyline). They have to babysit Abi, so they rope her into their web of lies and deceit and she helps them hide the truth from Mo, who hears the baby crying and acts all nosy. Abi says that it is a ghost baby and Mo believes her – “It beats signing on, I suppose.” thinks Laila Morse.

Back at the Registry Office, the annoying lady turns out to be Annoying Garry’s annoying mother, whom we shall call Annoying Hazel. She is actually marrying some other bloke, a smarmy colonel type in a blazer with brass buttons, and wanted Agarry to come along. There is a non comedy misunderstanding and Colonel Blazer thinks that Agarry is Ahazel’s bit on the side. He punches Agarry and dumps Ahazel. Ahazel now has nowhere to go, so Agarry tells her to book into a hotel and is all set to drive off back to Walford on his scooter.

Dot finds a Clue in baby Tomas’ nappy and sends Jim to a strip club in Dartmouth to investigate. There are non comedy shenanigans with Jim trying to interrogate a bunch of Albanian strippers and then being marched off to the cash machine by the bouncer to pay £120 for two glasses of baby cham. Meanwhile, the mother, who has a severe fringe and whose name is Anna Kalashnikova or something, tracks Dot down to Walford and says “you crazy lady, in my country when we leave baby in church it is so that baby is raised by wolves and becomes mighty warrior”. Dot asks Anna to move in with them so Anna says “Oh, OK”.

Agarry drives around a bit and then says “Oh bloody hell” and goes back to collect Ahazel. My boyfriend says “Oh f***ing hell, does that mean she’s in it all the time now?” Agarry takes AHazel back to stay temporarily with him, Minty and Naomi, and she immediately sets about embarrassing him with cute baby garry photos. Minty takes one look at Ahazel and is all, “hello, foxy lady” and Ahazel takes one look at Minty and is all, “You’re a groovy boy, I’d like to strap you on sometime!” Agarry is sick in his mouth a little bit and Naomi points out that the childhood photos might be slightly less embarrassing than watching Minty and Hazel rutting on the floor.

Jim remembers that he used to be a racist and has a quick rant about them asylum seekers coming over here and stealing all our jobs. Oh Jim, I don’t think you could get a job as a stripper even if all the legal immigrants were sent back home. He tries to talk sense into Dot and says that Anna is a dirty ho. Dot explains that Mary Magdelene was also a dirty ho so he can shut his cake hole. Jim goes down the street and phones up the Immigration Service, who apparently have a rapid response unit in the area (I don’t know if this is very realistic but it seems to me to be be NOT). Dot et al run and hide in a church and claim asylum but the kindly immigration bloke points out that they aren’t actually living in the 14th century and drags Anna away to be put on the first plane to Boratstan, leaving Jim and Dot holding the baby, both figuratively and literally. It’s an Easter Miracle!

GHOST ON THE (WASHING) MACHINE

Just what is Cruestella up to? What drives a career woman to act all pathetic in order to snag the affections of a spud-faced pub landlord, then proceed to terrorise his young son? Whatever evil non-event the producers have planned for us, it's pretty damn good. Cruestella pours water on Ben's bed and tells him that dreaming about being bullied by the Children of Razorlight makes him wee in his sleep. But if she hides him from the Children of Razorlight, he has to tell Fill that he wants Cruestella to be his new mummy.

Cruestella does weird stuff to Fill's accounts book while everybody sleeps. Fill finds out and tells Ben to go to the playscheme and stand up to the Children of Razorlight like a true Mitchell. Cruestella says that she will protect Ben's snivelling little carcass. For a price! Fill beats up the main bully's dad and Cruestella messes with Ben's head some more. Wow! I love this... even though bullying small boys and messing around with their little brains is bad, m'kay?

There's stuff about Dasbo, @@@ and Lin. @@@ starts wearing make up and puts her profile on the Russians for pervs a dating site when she looks as Russian as my cat looks barely old enough to have started her periods. Good move @@@. Thought you were supposed to be clever? Dasbo also messes with Mickney's head re: DVDLi. No, I don't know either.

Big Mo tries to put NurseTanyah out of business (eh? Oh, this will be the big revenge!!! thing that Mo talked about the other week). The bright idea is to tell a bunch of pensioners that NurseTanyah is doing an OAP free perm special, and bring them to the doorstep, waving their vouchers. NurseTanyah gives them all perms - or at least pats their hair and waves some hairspray about - and thanks Big Mo for the marketing boost. Mo goes: "Bah! I'll get you NurseTanyah! And those Tanyettes too!"

Yolande starts work at the launderette. What happened to the Kwik E Mart? She winds Dot up with her fancy new ideas about not smoking and alteration services. Dot tries to nobble Yolande's laundry load and thinks that Yolande is after her job. Mr Opodopolus offers Poline's old job to Yolande. Dot has a meltdown and screams "I quit". Dot spends the rest of the week in either the caff or the pub, muttering about ageism. Yolande refuses the offer, but reminds Dot that Poline is properly dead and should really be buried, so get a grip. Dot grippeth not.

Beale tells the family that they're moving into Poline's old house. He promises a new double bed for Panto Jane, but Devil Child Lucy says the place smells of wee, and she can sense the presence of Poline. Obviously DC Lucy's satanic powers are not yet at a level that she can do battle with Poline's enfeebled ghost, so they all move back to the old house. Especially after Fill and Bill tell a posh couple that Ian rented the old place to that Walford is a den of vice, violence and iniquity. Posh couple demand a rent reduction. PJ finds Poline's ashes in a cupboard, and DC Lucy says she's still not moving. PJ enlists the local vicar's help. The vicar tells them that Auntie Poline is not a demon, but DC Peter sees the crossed fingers behind his back and starts getting all Buffy on his arse. Ian gives the ashes to Dot to keep in her ashtray and bribes DC Lucy and DC Peter to come back to the house. Dot keeps Poline in the launderette and talks to her after hours. Oh boy. I'd love to see what happens when they run out of powder.

Fill intercepts PJane's new bed and gives it to Billy. Because making Ian Beale's life a misery is not the same as proper bullying because Ian has foolish aspirations towards middle-classness and keeps yattering about gentrification, so therefore needs to be put in his place.

Pregnancy triangle update! Slimy snogs GADawn in front of Dr SheWolf and moves in with GADawn. Another meltdown and then Dr SheWolf tells Slimy's employers that he fixed up a dodgy credit card for GADawn in PantoJane's name. Never mind Slimy, there's always the caff. Or the bookie's. Or perhaps you could work on MMartin's stall? Well, that's GADawn's attitude anyway. Dr SheWolf tells Slimy that she'll see him crawling back to her after GADawn leaves him when the money runs out etc etc. Slimy and GAD scuttle off to his mum's for a bit. SheWolf: thwarted!

SEVEN DADLEY SINS
The theme of this week’s episodes is “All middle class ladies be crazy!!” First of all we have Dr Fox, who is cackling with glee at the news that GADawn is past the legal limit for abortions and also referring to herself in the third person alot. (“What Dr Fox wants! Dr Fox gets! Bwa ha ha!!” etc). Calm down love, you’re not a character from Flash Gordon. GADawn meanwhile moves into the flat above Minty/Garry (who are disappointed, as they were hoping for a new cast member) and gets Stella to check over her Surrogacy Agreement. Stella says it is a load of tosh, legal-wise so GADawn tells Smarmy that they can live together and keep the baby and skip through tulip fields forevah! Smarmy dumps her. Ha!

GADawn is snivelling around so Dr Fox tells her that Smarmy never fancied her in the first place but just pretended to, so that GADawn would keep the baby, which is now more fought over than the Alcase-Lorraine region of France/Germany. GADawn drinks a bottle of vodka, has a hot bath and sticks “Vera Drake” in the DVD player. Everyone thinks she is trying to commit suicide and calls an ambulance. Dawn and the baybay both turn out to be alright. Smarmy sits on Losers Bench for a spot of manly crying and then tells Dawn that he does love her really after all, but Dawn tells him to “Git Ahhht!!!”

JoJo/Dadley drags on and on. This week JoJo wears a horrendous “sexy outfit” that makes her like a Victorian killer doll and Dadley sexes her up in his own living room while he is supposed to be researching guinea pigs on the internet. Don’t ask. Can something please happen with this plot now? Is that too much to ask? In other Slater news, BroJo weirdly flirts with Babs for a bit (mate, it’s called “masturbation”, look into it) and JoJo Ma reappears, saying that she wants to go on a holiday with her kids. The hateful brats all run a mile but then something happens so that Dadley ends up paying for a holiday for JoJo and Ma anyway.

Billy wants to turn the defunct DVD shop into an internet caff – how very 1998. He bickers with Fill and Beale about them investing or not. Meanwhile news spreads about Phoney’s pregnancy. Billy and Phoney think their little flat won’t be big enough and talk about renting Poline’s Palace of Burnt Memories instead. Beale says no, of course, because he is horrid and then suggests to Panto Jane that he moves them and the devil brood into Poline’s Palace of etc and so on instead. Jane: “Erm, I don’t think so!!”

The other middle class crazy lady storyline is that of Cruestella D’Evil, who is on fine form this week. Ben hides his hearing aid so he doesn’t have to go to school but then Cruestella makes him go anyway. All the kids tease him for being deaf and Ben wets himself. Cruestella mutters that he is a “wee stained little freak”(double ha!) and offers to help him hide his shame from Fill. Then she mocks him for being a wuss and says that he has to be HARD if he wants to be a proper Mitchell and worthy of his daddy’s love. Next day, Ben tries to smack one of the boys (when instead he should have teased him for being a rubbish actor and having hair like a girl) who made him wet himself and ends up being thrown roughly to the ground and given a good shoeing. Cruestella watches with a faint smile on her face for a few minutes before breaking it up.

Ben goes crying to Ian, shows him his bruises and tells him that Stella is beating him (Ian comes up with the “Cruella” nickname). Ian goes round to see Fill and be all Bealemeisterfull and outraged and then they quickly discover that he was actually beaten up by the kids from school. They tell Ben off and Cruestella slips into his room, tells him that he will be taken into care if he carries on lying and then gives him a hug and says that she’ll protect him. Brrr, creepy. This storyline with all the headfuckery and emotional blackmail etc is so much better than a clichéd child beating plot. Well done the BBC!

WHEN I'M SIXTY-ERR?

It's a milestone birthday for Peggy. Not sure which one. The EE producers don't divulge that, but if she's supposed to be 60, then I'm Liz Hurley. Fill, Cruestella (thank you GU) and Victim Ben decorate the pub with old Carry On Stills, pictures of Babs taking tea with the Krays, you know the kind of thing. Babs has a few non-comedy senior moments over the catering delivery, and Ian sneers. Babs also engages some bloke with an outrageous accent to makeover the living room so that it looks like something out of a Furniture Village ad. The ladies not classed as a) totty, b) mad, or c) pregnant (Yolande, Babs and PantoJane) go to a yoga class and the bouffanted teacher in a leotard tries to realign Babs's chakras without her permission. Babs is later sad about this because it's the best offer she gets all week after NotDavid Essex says he's not coming to her birthday party.

Phoney is pregant again, and worries about telling Billy. Billy runs foul of a debt collector who follows him around until he hands over the money, and worries about telling Phoney. Phoney gets a job as the receptionist in the Hair Patting salon to make more money. Her first task is to screw up GADawn's hair patting and colouring appointment. GADawn makes an unreasonable amount of fuss, and Duckface Preeti has to fit her in over lunch or something.

Slimy is installing GAD in a flat above the plot cupboard, and AGarry is allowed out to sniff around. He's got a thing for pregnant ladies, after all. GAD's little head is too full of colour charts and sofa catalogues to notice, and she skips off to get her hair done. Only Chelski switches the hair dye for a red felt-tip pen, and GAD ends up with rather cute Gothy streaks instead of honey highlights. GAD marches into the pub and starts having a go a the nice ladies, who finally admit that Dr SheWolf has persuaded them all to pretend to like her, but they all really think she's a wee hoor. GAD can't believe that her only friend in the world is Carly (incidentally, whatever happened to Genghis, the Dolescum Dog?), and stomps off home to cry. I can't help thinking that with all this womb rental, accommodation costs etc, they'd have been better off visiting an orphanage in a developing country, but what the hey...

Plenty of action in the Hair Patting salon, today. JoJo decides to upgrade her appearance (again), and gets Preeti to set her hair in some carmen rollers to make her look like a Charlie's Angel, but not in a good way. Really, you'd think that GADawn could take one look at JoJo's hair and get some money off Slimy to get a proper cut in town.

Dr SheWolf tells NurseTanyah of her surrogacy hell, but with all the controlling and pimping her husband bits removed. Nurse Tanyah looks slightly concerned that Dr SheWolf and her flexible interpretation of the Hippocratic Oath is in charge of her family's health. Meanwhile Dadley is shagging JoJo amid the ashes of Poline's fruitbowl or something. No wonder the Bealemeister can't sell it if he hasn't even bothered to paint over the smoke stains. Two letters, Ian: B and Q.

There's some stuff about moving to Spain. It's always Spain isn't it? Never Cheadle. Or Stockholm. Stockholm's nice. Very clean.

JoJo thinks that Dadley is selling her a line. NurseTanyah has been watching far too many property programmes, and is impatient to make a fresh start. Blimey, she's only been in Walford for five minutes. But the Tanyettes don't want to move because they've got friends. Really? Well, Lauren is kind of mates with Zombie Jay and DC Lucy - no wonder she's going all Goth. Abi is friends with umm... Ben.

Not if CruStella has anything to do with it. CruStella says that Abi is a Bad Person, and that if Ben so much as talks to her, it'll be Spoontime for Benjy at Bedtime again. CruStella does mad faces and learns how to beat Ben at Grand Theft Auto and tells Abi that she's not welcome at Ben's birthday party.

Phoney tells Billy that she's pregnant. Billy tells Phoney that they're broke. But they decide to have the baby anyway. But only after Billy has made lots of bad smell-type faces and overacted like a good 'un. He's too good for this crap.

GADawn turns up in a red dress to match her hair, and "looks amazing", according to the official spoilers. Dr SheWolf sends Slimy out to "keep GAD happy", and looks mad and smug at the same time. Slimy looks worried.

Everything's going well at the party. Babs is wearing something ghastly in white and Bacofoil that screams Peter Stringfellow In Drag; Pat is wearing Stealth Bomber earrings. BroJo uses his combat skillz to create one of those champagne towers that you used to see in 1970s semi-porn movies starring Joan Collins; and JoJo makes sour comments about Nurse Tanyah's Spanish plans, and tells her that Dadley will probably leave her anyway, so what's the point. Not really. But there is a fight between JoJo and NurseTanyah over who spilled whose Babycham, and Ian knocks over the champagne tower while nobody's looking. Dadley runs after JoJo, saying that says he's going to give the little minx a good seeing-to demand an apology. Then he tells JoJo that he's in love with her. Eh? I've seen more passionate declarations from a wet cushion. NurseTanyah encounters BroJo in the ladies again, and he tries it on. NT says no, and discovers Dadley coming out of the Slater Tardis with JoJo. JoJo apologises, but what for???

BEN FLEW OVER THE CUCKOO'S NEST
Thanks to Red Nose Day, I only have three eps to do this week. Hurrah!

Parklife does the walk of shame from Atkins boudoir of cheap nylon garmentry after begging her not to tell anyone. He runs into Pat who tells him off for being a numpty and then says she will support him etc. Parklife then meets Beano and Carly and they all hug and forgive him too. Beano finds out about Carly’s big strop that sent Parklife packing in the first place and there is a bit of shouting. Great.

Parklife goes round to see Mrs Goggins and says, “I’m sorry. I made a mistake but it was horrible. That bloke from Torchwood died for no reason and then I had to drive a moped off a cliff. Crazy!” Mrs Goggins is all, “So you’re back, from outer space, coming home to Walford with that look upon your face…” and slams the door. Later on she says that her and the girls are moving to Leytonstone. Didn’t we just have this storyline two weeks ago? They are forced to sit together by their kids at a red nose day pub quiz and Atkins does a drunken speech about how her life sucks, but Parklife and Goggins are clearly made for each other and should get married. Later on, Parklife shows up at the Post Office and proposes to her. Mrs G says “You won’t get round me that easily – oh wait a minute, you will!” and says yes. Cue another unfeasibly brisk wedding, no doubt.

Billy is having money problems as everyone is eschewing his video shop in favour of DVDLi’s DVDs. He doesn’t tell anyone. Phoney gets a job as hairpatting receptionist though. Cue “boo hoo my wife earns more than me, I’m not a real man!” snoryline? Phoney is full on with her malapropisms this week but I will not encourage the scriptwriter by repeating any of them.

Dr Shewolf is still whinging on about GADawn and Gadawn is still whinging on about Smarmy. Shewolf complains that Dawn is eating too many chips or something and says “We can’t put her in a box!” in a tone that suggests that she could instead make her live in the bottom of a well and lower supplies in a basket (“It will put on the lotion! It will put on the lotion or else it will get stretch marks!”). She says they can put GADawn up in a flat “so we can control what she eats or drinks”. I think Dr Fox is confusing “flat” for “prison”. Smarmy tries to sell the idea to GADAwn but she doesn’t want to live in a damp bedsit on her own.

Dadley/Jojo affair drags on for another week. High point = Jojo getting dolled up to look “sophisticated” like Tanyah and everyone laughing at her. Dadley also says he wants to move to Spain with her. Oh as if.

Abi Tanyette sits with Ben and makes fun of him for liking Sdulla now. Ben explained that she was nice to him in that weird Hall of Mirrors malarkey. Abi tries to get Sdulla into trouble by telling Fill and Babs that she lost him, but Ben and Sdulla both team up to downplay it. Later on Sdulla accuses Ben of betraying her in her dry whispery voice and stares at him coldly from the top of a flight of stairs. Brrr. When did Sdulla turn into Nurse Rachett? Later on she manages to make Ben and Abi fall out completely and also gets Abi into trouble when Nurse Tanyah goes round to ask why she shouted at her daughter.

Ben is a bit unwell and Sdulla offers to look after him. They watch a DVD (crappy BBC version of “Lion/Witch/Wardrobe” – if Billy’s shop doesn’t have the posh Hollywood version with Tilda Swinton then it deserves to fail!!), then Sdulla offers to make them a nice hot chocolate and deliberately burns Ben’s hand with the hot spoon. Oh my god, so hardcore!! This storyline is actually pretty good now – especially as it is Ben who is being tormented, though I’m sure step mums all over the country are grinding their teeth in irritation. She tells him it is a joke and then gets him to lie for her again when Babs asks why he is wearing a plaster. Sdulla says all creepy stuff about how Daddy isn’t going to love him any more now that he loves her – then says “ha ha, only joking!” and offers to make him another HOT DRINK!!! Ben makes a wibbly face and the BBC bod announces a phone line in case Emma Thompson’s sister is menacing you with caffeinated beverages too (I know I know child abuse is v serious).

WAITING FOR PARKOT
A pale male arm emerges from under a modish duvet cover. It’s Smarmy and he’s about to wake the sleeping figure beside him. It’s Dr SheWolf! Oh no, what will GADawn say? GADawn is busy twitching curtains chez Dolescum and her finger is hovering over the abortion clinic number, which she must have on speed dial. Dr SheWolf twitches every time the phone rings, expecting it to be GADawn’s abortion. Smarmy tells her that everything’s fine and maybe they don’t need a baby to keep their marriage going anyway. SheWolf orders him to keep GADawn happy with fine wines, cheap lingerie from the market, and a good seeing-to if that’s what it takes.

Smarmy finally persuades GADawn to stay over. Dr SheWolf goes and sits in the café with her slightly mad smile on all night by the look of it. Next morning, Smarmy, who realises he is but a sperm donor in Dr SheWolf’s Baby Hunt, tells her that GAD has ordered him to leave her.

Dr SheWolf visits GAD at home to offer more advice on womb control. GAD finds out he hasn’t left her yet, so decides to tell the Dr herself. Oooh…cat fight. Dr tempts her back to the flat and calls her a “cheap little tanorexic” who doesn’t know the difference between true love and a cheap shag. Dr gets a few more good insults in before she gets bored with GAD and her ‘bovvered?’ face, and starts chewing the scenery in order to stay alive.

Mr P offers the following: “Oh for god’s sake, why don’t they just get together and kill the bastard?” But he doesn’t know that it’s all part of Dr SheWolf’s Cunning Plan. Not quite sure what the point of this Cunning Plan is, but apparently SheWolf is pretending to be a bit mad in order to keep GADawn onside. Smarmy finds this very arousing. Dr SheWolf does the over the shoulder face and looks bored.

DVDLi finds out about Dasbo’s Russian bride scam. As an internet professional, I’m not quite sure about the economics of this little venture, but somehow Dasbo guarantees her #500 per month if she writes a few ‘sexy emails’ to her interweb saddoes clients.

Chelski loses her job, and doesn’t mind because she can spend more time annoying BroJo. BroJo smarms to Nurse Tanyah and gets Chelski her job back. Chelski puts Rainman off his breakfast.

Battle of the battleaxes update. Atkins gets drunk. Pat looks disapproving and offers tea, sympathy and Goddess wisdom. Deano starts a fight with some bloke who has been chatting up Atkins and a newly-returned Babs chucks them both out of the pub. Atkins gets locked out and spends the night on Pat’s sofa. Deano: so, so confused.

Carly finds Atkins on the sofa and starts shouting again. Pat tells Atkins to leave town. Atkins refuses.

NurseTanyah works out that Mo has been corrupting her family’s morals with her filthy knockoff fags. Mo gets caught by Customs, who search the Slater Tardis and fail to find the entire gross tobacco output of the state of Virginia in the living room, but they do her for tax evasion anyway. Mo decides that NurseTanyah is responsible and vows terrible revenge. Oh well, that’s Dadley and JoJo DOOMED then. Thank Christ for that.

Smarmy tells GAD that he’s been taking money out of the joint account, and one day they will run away together. It’s like they were reading last week’s blog, isn’t it? Smarmy tells Dr SheWolf to tell her friends to stop bitching about GADawn. He’s just no fun any more…

Mrs Goggins finds out about BroJo, and tells him to leave Chelski alone. BroJo turns on the charm and tells Mrs G that just jealous because Chelski’s getting some, and Parklife ran off. Chelski finds out, but still doesn’t dump him.

Carly tidies up the car lot office. Pat tells Carly she has to let go and offers the example of Furwank’s nervy b as an example of what to do when a close relative runs off with all your joint earnings. Carly untidies the office and invites Atkins out for a bite to eat and a drink.

Mrs Goggins packs up Parklife’s collection of foreign films and stripey shirts. Carly puts them out for the dustmen.

Cut to umm…Dungeness. A lighthouse. Ooh, are we having one of those Easties Away segments? Parklife, clad in existentialist black and dark brown, tears up his world trip tickets (except for the one to France) and throws them off a lighthouse. He walks along the beach and finds Mr Guppy from Bleak House/doctor bloke off Dorkwood in a beach hut. They fight, and Guppy does his ankle in. It gets a bit Godot while they act their socks off on material that is thinner than a Brazilian model’s little finger. Guppy nicks a bit of Derek Jarman’s garden to kill Parklife with, but Parklife makes him put it back. Eventually they go to a pub and play pool with London Calling playing in the background. That's...like...significant, isn't it? Parklife offers fatherly advice. Guppy nicks his bag with his tickets to France in. Parklife nicks a local’s bike and chases the bus to Folkestone.

Mo and Rainman play darts and Carly gets very very drunk. There is mother/daughter shouting. And mother/daughter bonding. Then more mother/daughter shouting. A dart ends up in Mo’s arse. Fill removes the dart from Mo’s arse, and then has to lie down in a darkened room to expunge the image from his head (and ours). I quite like Fill the grumpy landlord: it’s better than Fill the spudhead gangsta.

Non-comedy sub-plot. Pat and Deano play Trivial Pursuit. A nation discovers that Pat is a Trivial Pursuit demon, and possibly even more competitive than my mum.

OK, this is where it goes from Godot to Lost Highway. Parklife finds the burning wreck of the bus on a cliff path somewhere between Folkestone and Dungeness. Blimey, all we need is Sherilyn Fenn screaming her head off... Not quite sure what has happened. Maybe it’s a lorry crash; maybe it was Al Quaeda. Anyway, everybody’s dead, except Guppy, who dies quite hilariously in Parklife’s arms; jerking and everything.

Minutes later, Parklife gets out of a cab in Walford. (Maybe this is the Robin Hood Prince of Thieves moment, when Kevin Costner tells Morgan Freeman that Nottingham is only 15 minutes’ walk from Dover.) Anyway, he ends up at Atkins’s flat. In Atkins’s bed! This can only end in tears. Of boredom!

THE DISCREET SMARM OF THE BEALEGEOISIE
I was out a lot last week so it’s cribbage time again. Sigh.

JoJo and Dadley continue their weird, repetitive and repulsive on/off relationship (though it seems to be more on than off). I can only assume that Dadley is v well hung as I can’t see why else Nurse Tanyah and JoJo would spend so much time fawning over him. Anyway, Duckface has a faux ann summers party and Di Vi Di Li borrows money off Dasbo to buy some pleather undergarments to sell. It all turns out to be a cruel hoax though so Chelski and Duckface can watch her make a fool of herself. That seems a bit much considering they are only fighting over MICKNEY, who doesn’t seem worth the bother, to be honest. The three of them start squealing and pushing each other but then it cuts away before the proper catfight starts. Boring. Nurse Tanyah is also there and Jojo has much angst re Dadley.

DVDLi can’t return the money to Dasbo and @@ is cross, but then it turns out that loads of sad inadequates blokes have signed up to their mail order bride site so they are suddenly loaded. Hmm, are they going to rent out Chelski and GADawn or is this basically a big fraud? Some bloke manages to track them down to Walford and says he is going to come and check out the fictional Olgas for himself. Ruh roh. In other news they think that a webcam of DS Keef might make them money. Trampcam.com?? I suppose I’ve seen crappier websites on the internets

Prison Bitch Bert spends half the week being feckless and irresponsible, while Pat pops up from behind the occasional lamp post to shout “Oi, stop being feckless and irresponsible!” and then disappear again. Ok Bert, if you aren’t going to fuck off back to Emmerdale can you at least cut your hair? That stringy shit is giving me the creeps. The Social come round and Jay is all “yes, I’m v happy here etc and so on” as he would rather even be stuck with Bert than be taken into care. Anyway, one day Jay-Z (Z stands for zombie, of course) is caught stealing a bacon butty from the caff because PB Bert has neglected to feed him his daily helping of BRANES. Doh. Bert has an epiphany, decides to be responsible and gets a job as a street sweeper but he’s still v annoying. Also his mystery ailment reoccurs and he crashes his dustcart into a stall. Let’s hope it’s something terminal.

Dr Fox buys DS Keef a drink and whitters on about sudoku puzzles for a bit as a lame pretext to suddenly squawk, “How is GADawn and her costly womb?? Tell me?? Tell me??” Dr Fox finds out that GADawn has met “someone” in the Cotswolds and immediately starts panicking that her precious baby will be stolen away by a horny handed farm labourer (or stockbroker, seeing as it’s the Cotswolds…).

I am really sad I missed this next bit (honest!) as Ian decides to try and be middle class and has an excruciating dinner party with the other middle class people of the Square (Dr Fox, Smarmy, Dadley, NTanyah). It all goes tits up when they all start going on about GADawn and adoption and the Foxes run off in a huff and Ian gets drunk. Better luck next time, Bealemeister. Bourgeois respectability will be yours one day! Later on it is the anniversary of their miscarriage and Dr Fox whines about her uterus AGAIN

Sdulla helps Ben with his homework. Exciting!

Jay’Z gets one of the Tanyettes to start smoking. Equally exciting!

The rest of the week is taken up with BroJo’s attempts to get into Nurse Tanyah’s knickers. BTW, does it count as crypto-incest if a brother and sister are trying to knock off a pair of spouses? Anyway, BroJo spends the whole time sniffing round Nurse Tanyah and offering to sort out her fusebox (that is not a euphemism, you pervs) at the Hair Patting Shop. It turns out he learnt to be an electrician as well as a sexy brooding psychopath whilst in the army. Nurse Tanyah starts off all “sod off you twerp” but then she changes her mind and is all “boo hoo, Dadley keeps binning me off when it’s time for marriage counselling” and BroJo is all, “You poor thing, tell me all about it… IN BED!!!”

BroJo overhears Dadley whispering saucy come-ons to JoJo on his mobile in the pub (though he doesn’t know it is her yet) like, “wear more self tanning lotion, it really turns me on” and “I love the smell of urinal tablets in the morning,” etc etc. He tries to prove to Nurse Tanyah that the Dadster is having an affair but the seasoned love rat deletes his call history off his phone. Bah! Foiled! BroJo continues to flirt with NT in various ways in front of Dadley, driving Dadley into a jealous rage that causes him to throw BroJo against the wall and say “grr” a few times in a totally non gay stylee. Poor Nurse Tanyah, destined to be fought over by a pair of charmless gingers. Dadley thinks that BroJo is going to do it with NT in the hair shop one night and bursts in to surprise them, but it is all a cunning ploy on BroJo’s part and instead he is doing it with Chelski. Gasp!

GOGGINS A GO-GO OR NO-GO?
Late and short. A bit like Slimy Metrosexual's excuses. But I promise you, as soon as the baybay's born, we'll run away to the Bahamas and get married. I swear.

Just when you think that your internal bullshit detector has reached 11 and won't go any further, the Eastenders scriptwriters send it up a notch. This week, Fill raises his spuddy little head and starts demanding rent off the remaining Parklifes (and Pat), except that Parklife has cleared the business account of all funds. Not even Pat's goddess powers, or Dasbo's Bransonesque entrepeneurial skillz can save them from Fill's hungry bank balance. Instead Carly goes over to Fill's and fixes a car or two so that he can spend some time with Psycho Ben. Well, that was the original idea, but somehow Ben gets farmed out to whoever will have him - even Atkins gets asked, while Fill searches in the plot cupboard for Minty and Agarry. No wonder Ben's evil. Carly shouts at Fill, and the mere threat of her doing more shouting 'acting' is enough for Fill to stomp over to Pat's and let them off half the rent or something. Pat gives a little speech about how Parklife would have been proud of them all standing together in the face of imminent bankruptcy that he was mainly responsible for. Mrs G decides she's had enough and starts packing the Goggins bags for pastures new. Chelski and @@ object, so they end up staying after lots of shouting and pouting.

BS detector reading: 11.7

Psycho Ben tries to get his dad to spend time with him, but Fill keeps wandering off to do something more interesting. Sdulla sits on some Airfix glue, and Ben gets into trouble again, and she flounces off stage right. Then she comes back again the following day and takes him on a trip to the London Dungeon (his choice - told you he was psycho). There is a weird creepy moment when Ben runs into a hall of mirrors shouting for Sdulla and crying about losing her while Sdulla hides behind a corpse and looks strangely evil. It's almost like The Lady from Shanghai - only without Orson Welles...or Rita Hayworth...or decent production values. Somehow this is supposed to mean that they have bonded.

BS detector reading: 12

Nurse Tanyah finds a receipt for some jewellery in Dadley's pocket and is sad because Dadley is obviously cheating on him again. She brings it up at the counsellor's, and Dadley tells her that it was supposed to be a surprise secret necklace but no she's spoiled everything. The next day is Nurse Tanyah's birthday, so Dadley goes to lunch with JoJo in a posh restaurant. The maître d is snooty and asks JoJo if she's old enough to eat posh food. JoJo pretends that Dadley is her dad, and this is her 18th birthday present, and this somehow makes her more attractive or something. Meanwhile NT and the girls make pancakes and bury a dead hamster (with Returned BroJo's help) in the front garden. You start to see Dadley's point.

Anyway, NurseTanyah and Dadley end up in the Vic. NT gets very very drunk, and Dadley takes advantage of her drunkeness to slip one to JoJo in the toilets again. Soon Nurse Tanyah will be wondering why he keeps buying her bottles of Eau du Parazone and asking her to flush when she's ready. NT staggers into the toilets and thinks JoJo is alone. Then in comes BroJo , who starts pestering Nurse Tanyah. Dadley hides in the cubicle with JoJo going, "grrrr...my wife..." very very quietly. JoJo: sad. Because she has fallen in love with Dadley. A nation is mystified. Abi gets a new guinea pig to replace the dead hamster. Let's hope they get hungry Peruvian neighbours, for the guinea pig's sake.

BS detector: 13.987

PB Bert is starting to develop a kind of relationship with Zombie-faced Jay, who is possibly the coolest kid on TV apart from Tracy Beaker. Pat activates her Goddess powers and forces Ian to rent the cute little flat behind the chippy to them. Bert goes to an optician and discovers that he's going blind.

BS detector: off the scale