POLINE CONVERSION
So anyway, your boyfriend dumps you in a quite nasty and humiliating way in front of his faaancy office friends, after one of them has tried to get it on with you in the toilets etc etc. You're feeling angry, hungover, and rather sad, so what do you do? Yes, that's right girls, you go and have sex with your ex's dad. Though this is only after you've dressed up like Morticia Addams at the beach and had a go at everyone in the pub on Christmas Day. Hang on a minute, what were they all doing in the pub on Christmas Day anyway? Normal families are snoozing in front of Wallace & Gromit while the offspring bicker about whose go it is on the Wii...

Well, that's about it for JoJo then. She slinks around all week, tempting Dadley into her single bed and getting him all hot and bothered while muttering darkly about revenge. Bradley looks embarrassed because NurseTanyah and Duckface thinks she's still in with a chance. He tries to get her to pay for the damage to his new motor (£300?! I want the name of that mechanic), and then tells her that she doesn't have to pay ...I think I fell asleep at this point. Anyway, Dadley does lots of sneaking around. JoJo wears lots of make-up and announces that she wants to be Dadley's Bit On The Side. Woah...ambitious, eh?

Phoney decides to try and be a Proper Mum to the cute Downs baby before she dies. Only she insists that she gets a proper name instead of "Petal". Billy: happy.

The non-comedy nonsense involves Minty, Fill and AGarry dressing up as Santa and getting caught in the chimney or something. Chloebecca tells Santa that she wants a cardigan for Christmas. Moomin cries NOOOOOOOO! and runs into the night.

Not really. But Poline is off to Florida to live with Shell and possibly take up a professorship in Advanced Miserablism at the University of North Beach. Somehow Shell has managed to book a last-minute flight at the busiest time of the year, and no damn Heathrow fog isn't going to dissuade Poline from her mission to spread gloom and greyness to the sunny shores of Miami. Not even the Bealemeister whingeing about how he is but her apprentice in Evil, and if she goes, only Panto Jane will give a monkey's toss about him. Well, you could always give Patrick a job. Moomin appears, and I missed the two-hander between her and Poline because it was bathtime, but Mr P says it was rather good, and Moomin lamps Poline.

Poline goes to drop one last morsel of poison into the Vic's champagne bucket, but suddenly gets a bit of a headache in MacArfur Park, and drops down dead in front of Loser's Bench. MMartin finds her, face down in the snow (wtf?!). Moomin: looks slightly guilty. Chloebecca won't talk to Moomin, and tells her that she saw her hit Poline. Moomin: guiltier. MMartin hears a Last Voicemail from Poline that apologises to everyone for all the hurt and misery she has caused. What...all of it? Moomin: guilty as a big guilty sack of guilt.

NurseTanyah and Dadley decide to have their Christmas party anyway, and Dot agrees that it's what Poline would have wanted. A nation cries: "You what?!?" Straight Pike escapes from the Plot Cupboard for one last hurrah. MMartin tells him that Poline is dead as he's packing his stuff. Straight Pike is shocked. Prison Bitch Bert takes him off to the pub, where he sits and looks shocked until somehow he gets into the party. Everybody goes quiet, and then Straight Pike says: "Oh who cares? She was an evil old witch and I'm glad she's dead." Everybody: shocked and appalled. MMartin tries to get Pike to attend Poline's funeral, but he says the only reason he'd go is to dance on her grave or something. Anyway, even Fill is mildly shocked, but then he's still reeling from the announcement that Sophie Thompson is moving into the Vic. Actually, that's an EE record. From solicitor to live-in barmaid in less than a month. She's still not quite getting on with Ben.

Over at the Dolescums, Dasbo tries to seduce the DVD girl, but fails utterly and gets his photo on the Internet or something. Dr Foxy follows GADawn around, muttering about her blissfully uncomplicated fallopian tubes and working ovaries. GADawn spends the abortion money on a vile pair of purple boots, and arranges an NHS termination instead. Dr Foxy offers her loads of money for the baby (oh yes, we saw that one coming, didn't we readers?). GADawn tells her she's a mentalist harpy. Dr Foxy tells Slimy to go and save his BABY'S LIFE or she won't let him live with her any more or whatever. Slimy persuades GADawn not to abort, and GADawn fails to realise that it's just another Slimy ruse and thinks he still loves her. Mickney: glad to be an uncle, and significantly less...orange...since we last saw him.

Meanwhile, at the Wicks/Evans Palace of Truth and Beauty, the Parklifes cancel their annual "Drink Your Way Around The World in Five Hours-athon" in deference to Mrs Goggins's feelings about drunkards. They do some lame party games instead, and much fun is not had by all. But...in the Other Pub where EE characters go to have out-of-square crises, Atkins off Bad Girls is serving fat blokes and looking bored. Then, out of the blue, she decides to go and visit the family! Hurrah for Atkins!

(NOT) KNOCKED-UP DOC?
I don't see the final unravelling of Poline's WEB OF LIES, but I do see the build up.

Everybody's sad about Poline's brain tumour (except Moomin, but she hides it well).Straight Pike calls the hospital to find out when Poline can go in for her brain scan. Poline tries to tell him that her oncologist perished in a bizarre gardening accident and she fried the MRI machine with a laser blast meant for Moomin. Mmartin mooches Oedipally. Straight Pike tries Doctor Foxy but Dr is too busy injecting herself with baby-making drugs to care.

Anyway, Straight Pike finds out the way the plot is going and outs Poline as a liar. Everyone moves in with Moomin. Chloebecca thinks that the house smells of wee and wants to go back to Poline's, where the air is ripe with bracing odour of brimstone and charred banana.

Meanwhile, Ben doesn't like Sophie Thompson and pretends to lose his glasses/smashes his hearing aid/leave horses' heads on Sophie's sofa. Fill: uncomprehending.

@@ tries to get to the bottom of the Mystery of the Positive Pregnancy Test, but Parklife finds out and starts throwing accusations at any menstruating female within 100 yards. Eventually Mrs G buys two more pregnancy tests, and hands them to Chelski and Carly. Chelski and Carly show negative,and the whole family looks suspiciously at @@. Not really. Everybody goes: “Hmmmm…whoever could it be? Oh, haven’t we got to return GADawn’s coat?”

I can't quite understand why a doctor and a city trader type have to sell their Barretts starter home and live in a one-bed flat so that they can afford IVF, but there you go. Slimy gets hacky looks from assorted Dolescums. GADawn glares and momentarily deludes herself that Slimy is just waiting for the right time to dump Dr Foxy and move in with her. Slimy says that no, he wants to make posh test tube babies with Dr Foxy, not rough working class organic babies with GADawn, and offers her some abortion money. GADawn throws him out, then goes to Dr Foxy to arrange the abortion. Either that shows hitherto unknown levels of irony on GADawn's part or she really is that stupid. Oh, my mistake: it’s a flimsy plot device….

Slimy sees GAD stomping out of the surgery and rushes in to tell Dr Foxy that no, he is definitely not the father of GAD’s baby, but Dr Foxy says: “Umm…hang on a minute…married man…barren wife…pack your things and go, Bastard Face”. The following morning, she stops GAD in the street and smacks her one. Way to go with that Hippocratic oath, Doc. Later, Slimy tries to tell Dr Foxy that it was all over with GAD months ago, and he probably isn’t the father anyway. GAD tells Dr to check the dates and work it out for herself, after all, as GAD says: “You’re supposed to be the brainy one”. Go Go GADawn! Slimy left gaping in the street as wife and ex-girlf storm off in opposite directions.

Oh alright then…there’s another fight at Dot’s this time, and Chloebecca has to summon all her Moominpowers to make them stop shouting at each other. This involves shouting: “Stop shouting!” into the living room. Poline is affronted by a six-year-old child having a voice – after all Mmartin didn’t get his own lines until he was at least 13 and it didn’t do him any harm. She scuttles back to her lair to stick pins into Moomindolls, and Mmartin and Moomin decide to reveal the identity of Chloebecca’s real parents in the form of a fairy story. It would have been so much better as a light-sabre duel over the car pit in the arches, wouldn’t it.

Next door, Bradley is getting into trouble with Stacey over his faaancy City ways. Apparently he’s been given the task of organizing the firm’s Christmas party with the help of two posh PR fluffy types. Male PR fluffy bosses Bradley around and teases him about eating whelks for breakfast and being common; while Female PR fluffy wears very short skirts and gives him advice about how not to be common. Stacey is busy looking for a flat, which they are going to pay for with Bradley’s huge City bonus, apparently. Female PR fluffy pouts and invites Bradley out for sushi and more advice on not being common. Bradley blushes and goes out with the fluffy rather than look at a flat. Stacey: cross. Male PR fluffy teases Bradley about being 18 and not driving a car yet. Bradley says: “Umm…no actually, I’ve got a car. It’s green…and it’s…sporty with a...umm soft top…”. Then he goes out and buys an green soft-top sports car of some description (looks like a Peugeot from here) instead of spending it on a deposit. Stacey: crosser.

In other news. AGarry and Minty try to get Naomi to find them a flat. She doesn't, but does get a part time job at the surgery. Without an interview or checks or anything...wow. Fill makes them do something unspecified to the pub fireplace that was prompted by Sophie Thompson going on about chestnuts roasting on an open fire or something.

Other news 2: Ex Prison-now-Pat’s Bitch Bert doesn’t want to go to his wife’s funeral, then he doesn’t, then he does. He encounters a merry band of hooded urchins terrorizing the crematorium and is torn between horror and pride when he discovers that the Lead Hoodie is his grandson. What are the chances...etc.

EIGHT GO MAD IN DORSET
After all the excitement last week it is the LAW OF SOAP that this week has to be really shit. First of all, Parklife, Mrs Goggins, their assorted kids, Trinidad and Yolande all use Parklife's prize money to go to Dorset. In December. Right. I think a easyjet tip to malaga or something would have been more convincing but never mind.

@@@ has taken to calling Trinidad “grampa” and has started buying him horrible novelty records saying that there is no one quite like him etc etc. Trinidad pulls gurny faces and eventually confesses that it is all a tissue of lies! All the Gogginses are shocked and appalled but Trinidad says it wasn’t a scam and that he just wanted a proper family after his two idiot sons were written out of the show and everyone miraculously forgot about the whole foster parent malarkey.

Carly and Beano mooch around the village and meet a pub landlord who used to be mates with Parklife and who is something of a silver fox. Carly flirts with him but Deano keeps sabotaging it, possibly because he fancies the landlord too. Anyway, it turns out that Silver Fox is in cahoots with Parklife’s ex-wife/Carly & Deano’s mum, who is played by that hard faced one off Bad Girls who everyone thought escaped but ended up dying a horrible death in a sealed up room or something. Anyway, she contrives to meet the kids without telling them who she is. She later confronts Parklife and he goes “You’re dead to me! Our other son died and you didn’t even come to the funeral! Bitch!” He says they all have to leave Dorset and race back to London, but Mrs Ex Parklife says it isn’t over yet, oh no.

On the way back @@@ finds a pregnancy testing thing – who could it be, gosh gasp???

Meanwhile back in Walford, Prison Bitch Bert has a plot all of his own. Don’t encourage him pls thanks. He goes to visit his dying ex wife in the hospice and takes Pat instead of Mo as presumably he doesn’t want Mo stealing all the morphine and then selling it on at Chloe Becca’s nativity play. Mo is jealous and Charlie tries to be the voice of reason as usual, but as usual turns out to be the rather too high pitched voice of ineffectuality.

They bring Mrs Ex Burt back so she can die on Pat’s sofa. Umm OK – I hope those sofa cushion covers can be dry cleaned. They talk about the past and it turns out that Bert’s daughter also died of cancer without ever knowing about Bert, but that he has a long lost grandson who will no doubt be shoe horned uncomfortably into Walford in the next few weeks. Mrs Ex Bert says she wants to kiss Bert, even though he has an ugly beard (that’s no way to talk about Mo!!) and then karks it. Back to Poline’s reign of terror now please!!!

POLINE DAMNS THE WORLD TO HECK
We don't get to see the fire of DOOM, but it looks like Poline's fruitbowl survived the conflagration, as did she. Did MMartin make a dash through the inferno to save his sulking mother? Did Joe construct a rescue ladder out of bits of 2x4 and old knickers? We will never know.

All we do know is that Poline's expression hasn't changed since we last saw her, sitting on the stairs, clutching BettytheDog to her breast while Moomin conducted her very own speak bitterness session in the living room. There she is, in her hospital bed, eyebrows perfectly arched, and mouth like the proverbial cat's arse. Nobody wants to tell Poline the truth about MMartin and Moomin, even though she drops mile-wide hints at every opportunity. So Poline decides that if nobody is going to tell the truth, she's going to lie too. But she doesn't tell her loved ones that she's running a crack whorehouse out of Arfur's shed, oh no. She says that the doctors checked her for smoke damage and found...cancer. Apparently she has a brain tumour in her lungs and only has days to live, so everybody had better start being nice to her and doing as they're told, or she'll come back and haunt them or something. MMartin immediately promises to do anything she likes, including stuffing her corpse and keeping it in the living room while he dresses up in her old cardigans and cleanses the showers of Walford of SIN. Not really. But he does dump Moomin. Moomin: foiled!

It's also the run up to another Wedding of the Month. Panto Jane's mother, Auntie Mabel (aka Nurse Gladys Emmanuel) flies in from inspecting poo factories on CBeebies, and parks her spotty Damien Hirst plane down by the canal. Auntie Mabel doesn't like Ian. The words: "weasel-faced loser" are never far from her lips. Though she lets it drop that Jane's real name is Lesley.

PantoJane has the usual EE hen party, when a bunch of women she barely speaks to suddenly come together to drink champagne and talk about strippers/marriage being a living hell/quote Dylan Thomas. Except Junior Hussies DC Lucy and Lauren manage to invite themselves along too, and get drunk on cheap cava. PJane cancels the stripper and carts DC Lucy home. Ian gets cross and almost adds "can't look after other peoples' teenage children" to her list of crimes, except that DC Lucy says that having Panto Jane for a stepmother might be OK.

Poline looks at a photo of her Twiggyesque 1960s self, and wants to play an old record from her youth. Oooh, is it "Come Outside"? Joe finds her old dansette, and she cranks it up to play a Dusty Springfield classic. Blimey, all we need are the drag queens. Instead, we get Ian.

Ian wonders about not publicly humiliating PJane on her second big day, but then Poline tells him that she knows all about Martin and The Dirty Jackson and has decided to punish them by dying of cancer. Ian cries like a girl until Poline tells him to shut up, she's not really dying: she just made it up to punish the world for lying and possibly showing the damage that lies can do. Yes, that sounds like soap logic to me.... Ian tells her about PJane and Grunt, and Poline says that crushing her spirit isn't enough; he needs to tell the world that he is a cuckold three times over. In a church. In front of Auntie Mabel.

Meanwhile, at the Mitchells, Babs is organising some medieval banquet, complete with stuffed pigs head, some weird layered roast bird dish and a fat bloke in a dress chucking chicken legs about. Oh, that's Minty.

Fill has an attack of conscience and texts: "He KNOWS" to PJane. PJane runs into the rain in her dress, and refuses to marry Ian. Poline decides to have a go anyway, and is wearing a special Satanic Red outfit for the occasion, with matching hat. Ian runs off to read Jane's list of crimes in the street or something. What follows is possibly one of the worst things I have ever seen on TV. And I've been watching The X-Factor.

It rains. Ian screams. PJane screams back. PJane runs off to the allotments and cries a bit. Ian runs after her, still screaming. Then suddenly it's dark, and they fall into Arfur/MMartin's carrot patch and start throwing mud at each other, still screaming. Ian says he gave her everything: a job, three kids to look after, a house to run, free chips and choice of leftover fishcakes every other Saturday...everything a woman could want. But PJane says she wanted more, like baldy ex-para loving and lots of it. Obviously Ian calling the shots was never good enough for Miss Picky, eh Patrick?

Anyway, in the middle of all this...perhaps Ian swallows some of MMartin's leftover hemp seeds...Ian has a revelation, and decides that he really does love PJane, and that they can put all this behind them. PJane is only marginally less surprised than we are...Poline sees them from her lair and scuttles out to remind him of his duty to rend PJane limb from scarlet limb. Ian says he's changed his mind, and maybe Poline should say that the cancer diagnosis was all a mistake, and they mistook her for the hatchet faced harridan at the other end of the ward...Poline scowls and says: "Go to hell..." Excellent!

THE PERILS OF POLINE
Another semi crib this week, I’m afraid as I was out a lot last week and am super busy this week. I’m sure I have missed loads out but that’s what the comments are for!

Anyway, BroJo calls off the wedding to Davetta in front of everyone but she still sucks up to him and begs him to keep lurving her. Both Jojo and Davetta take it in turns to march into the salon and slap Priitstick for letching over BroJo, in one scene Priitstick is wearing a huge and bizarre red ribbon in her hair like Toni Basil. Priiti says that actually BroJo started it.

Davetta suggests to BroJo that they both move to her big house in Essex so she can lock him naked in a room and stare at him 24 hrs a day through CCTV (possibly). Meanwhile Jojo, BroJo and Bradley worry about what to tell JoJo Ma re Bro Jo’s miraculous return from the dead, esp as JoJo Ma seems to be acting a bit down, even though she swears she is taking her meds. Annoying Brat Davetta keeps whining that she hasn’t been introduced to JoJo Ma as BroJo’s intended. Bradely tells her to keep out of it. JoJo goes to see her mum and is about to tell her about BroJo but can’t go through with it and confesses her abortion shame instead. They both hug and cry.

Smarmy Metrosexual says that he lurves GADawn but can’t leave his wife because they have started IVF or something. Dawn says that she's a gift wrapped kitty kat and only turns into a tiger when she’s under attack. Later on Dr Fox(y lady) says that she has been made permanent and that they can move into the flat above the surgery. (Eh? I thought only pubs came with built in accommodation…) Smar-Met is shocked and appalled that she might get wind of his philandering once she gets to know everyone.

Davetta decides to take matters into her own hands and takes some flowers round to JoJo Ma and is prattling on like “I’m sure BroJo has told you all about me! I used to be a likeable and sympathetic character but now I’m an annoying little madame!” JojoMa and then Davetta’s faces are a picture when they both realise the truth. I miss the shocking climax to this plot, but apparently BroJo goes around and has a fight with Jojo Ma and blames her for everything. Everything! I’m sure there was a lot of ACTING involved. For some reason Davetta decides to leave Walford FOREVAH and become a ballroom dancer in Essex. Byeee!

Sophie Thompson has been put off by Ian’s poisonous muttering and is avoiding Fill, She comes running back though at the first sight of his big potato head. Weirdo. Babs fusses around and interferes, as she always does when there is a chance of one of her spawn getting laid, but it appears that Ben does not like his new mummy.

Ian is in full on weasel mode, with lots of evil face hug action. He cancels the caterers and does other sneaky things while PantoJane skips around going “Wahey! I’m getting married” and tries out severe hairdos with Nurse Tanyah. He buys a pay as you go phone and texts Jane, saying that he is Guh-want wanting to meet up for a night of hot loving. Jane goes to the Park of Contemplation to meet him and Ian spies on her. (There are some funny yet incomprehensible scenes where little Bobby dresses up as a princess. Perhaps Str8 Pike has revived his Mr Benn activities). He does not keep his new decepta-phone long enough to hear Jane leave a message saying “It’s ovah Grant! I love Ian!”

Dole Scum Keef keeps forgetting to go shopping so his kids have to eat crackers for breakfast. Remind me again why he is still in it? There is some non comedy bobbins with Dasbo and Mickney buying dodgy DVD’s off a pretty Chinese girl in the street – kudos to EE for acknowledging a current trend but to be honest, most of the ones I see selling DVD’s don’t appear to be born in England and speak good English…

Oh wow, it all starts kicking off re Poline this week. First of all, Moomin and Martin keep having filthy moominsex assignations at Dot’s. There is a non comedy mix up at one point and Dot gets to see Martin’s throbbing member. Vom. Dot keeps telling them that they have to tell Poline, but Martin is too chicken. Poline is depressed (like, even more than usual) and keeps staring sadly at pictures of Grange Hill era Todd Carthy. Str8 Pike is totally unable to cheer her up. At one point, Dot, Str8 Pike, Martin and Moomin are all discussing her, not realising that Poline is sat on the stairs listening in. Moomin is going on about how Poline is such a vindictive old witch and only Dot defends her. Poline gets more and more stony faced as they prattle on and then runs upstairs to hide. Once they have gone she cadges one of Dot’s fags and puts it down carelessly and then goes upstairs to pack a bag. The fag falls onto a doily or something and catches fire. Ruh roh. Poline doesn’t know what is going on until smoke starts pouring into the room. By this time Martin and people outside have seen it and Martin runs into the Fiery Inferno and starts calling for her. Poline sits in silence upstairs and waits for DEATH!!!!!! OMG, for the first time in years I am dying to know what happens next!

SOMETHING KINDA YAWWN
Sooo sorry this is late (and quick - life took over from blogging again)

We're building up to Davetta's big exit with some odd, Oedipan shenanigans from BroJo re: JoJoMa. JoJo's busy trying to prove to JoJo Ma that BroJo isn't dead by making him turn up on the doorstep. Sorry darling, but wouldn't the sight of her long lost son on the threshold when she's not taking her meds properly trigger a major episode? Bradley doesn't think it's such a good idea, and neither does BroJo. He skedaddles, and JoJo trudges back home to watch the final of Make Me A Supermodel with Bradders and a nice cup of tea. Bradley decides not to dump her just yet.

BroJo goes to the club and starts chatting up Preeti - who I shall call Duckface on account of her looking like, well, a duck. JoJo sees him getting cosy with Duckface and asks herif she isn't a bit old for BroJo. I can't remember if there are fisticuffs, but Duckface ends up in bed with BroJo anyway. JoJo heads Davetta off at the foot of the stairs, and I'm not sure where Davetta's been either. Anyway, JoJo works out that BroJo is only after Davetta's money. A nation belms. JoJo tries to get him to dump Davetta, but they find her crying over Tony Bennet's ashes (careful now, you don't want to go mixing them with Barry's) and decide to string her along for a few more days.

Speaking of which, Billy won't let Baby Petal go to foster parents before the adoption. Phoney's already packing the sleepsuits.

GADawn should have known, should have cared, should have hung around the kitchen in her underwear, acting like a lady instead of chasing after Slimy Metrosexual and discovering that he is married to *gasp* Hot Lady Doctor! She smashes his windscreen and stomps home. Slimy Metrosexual avoids getting beaten up by Mickney and tells GADawn that he loves her but he can't leave his wife. GADawn offers herself up for a charity auction date (eh?? Oh yes, Children in Need). AGarry 'wins' her, but she runs off crying.

Dasbo seems to have gone into some kind of dodgy business with BodySnatched Peter following Keef's decision to close down the market stall because he can't be arsed or something.

The replacement for Dodgy Marcus - last seen heading off to the Bahamas with a suitcase full of Mitchell cash - is funnier and less smug than her big sister Sophie Thompson. Sophie leaves Fill's legal papers in her flat, then her car breaks down, and she loses her keys, so Fill has to step in like Sancho Panza depping for the Don. A nation says: "She's neither squeaky, blonde, nor man-faced! And she's got A-levels! It'll never last!" Ben: not happy. Babs: thinks that dating a lawyer is a bit of a step up from the usual lady gangsters and part-time barmaids. The Beale tries to tell Sophie that Fill is a heartbreaker, a dream taker and lovebreaker whom nice girls shouldn't mess with. I love it when Beale gets weaselly. Go with your badass self, Bealemeister!

Bye bye baby, baby goodbye; Bye bye baby, don't make me cry

By special guest blogger, Patrick
(who has used different nicknames from the usual, just to be difficult)

Mickney and Dasbo are suspicious about BankerRob's intentions. GADawn is loved up and thinks nothing could possibly be wrong and that Rob is "the one". Again, it is clear that no one in EastEnders watches the soaps as verbalising that someone is "the one" is always the kiss of death. In a cunning plan, Mickney steals GADawn's mobile phone and gets BankerRob to meet him in a posh hotel. As we all know, the BBC is run by sodomites so we get a nice scene of BankerRob soaping himself up in the bath and Mickney coming into the bathroom to watch and lick his lips. BankerRob's wife phones as they're chatting (what are the odds, eh, viewers? Well, in soap world, close to 100%). Mickney seems to know it's Rob's wife using mystical extra sensory powers. In a weird homoerotic courting ritual, he punches the towel-wearing Rob and makes Rob agree to dump GADawn. However, Rob meets up with her in the Vic and can't go through with it. A nation yawns.

DevilChild Lucy asks PantoJane for some extra money. PJ says no, as she has to learn to live within her means. DCL: angry. PJ is worried that DCL is being bullied at school and using the extra £2 she'd asked for to pay off the thugs. Pretty poor thugs if they're only asking for £2. PJ says to the Bealemeister that they should tell DCL about the planned adoption and ask her to be bridesmaid. Bealemeister very against this idea but goes along with it. Meanwhile, PJane goes off to see NurseTanya, who assures her that DCL is very popular at school, according to LittleLauren, and that the adoption is wonderful news.

PJane and the Bealemeister sit DCL and Peter down to tell them about the adoption. Incidentally, has anyone else noticed that PantoJane always starts conversations to the children with "Me and your dad"? Hardly a good grammatical role model. Peter, who seems to have been supplied by the Paedophile Recruitment Agency [maybe his head twisted off in a 360 degree twirling frenzy - Ed], doesn't seem to mind. DCL shouts "Nooooo! You're not my mother and you never will be!!!!!!!!!!!!" and storms out. PJane is upset. She and the Bealemeister are talking about it and the Bealemeister takes the opportunity to give her a hug so he can do the Evil Over The Shoulder Grimace that is required in EE every time someone receives a hug.

The Bealemeister goes to talk to DCL about her reluctance to be adopted by PJane. DCL screams at him "I have a mother and today is the anniversary of her death! Why don't we ever talk about her?!" The Bealemeister replies "well, she had an affair with my half-brother-who-wasn't, tried to pass off the resulting baby as mine, then had an affair with my cousin, tried to have me shot, abducted my children and fled the country!" Unfortunately he didn't really say any of that, and just told DCL not to worry about the adoption, "because it's never going to happen". Mwah-ha-ha. O Bealemeister what is your evil plan? We all know PJane isn't anywhere near good enough for you since she rejected your fishly charms for Grunt, but let's face it, you're 38 with three marriages behind you, three kids, a growing paunch and a nasty recurring cold sore. You're not exactly a prime catch.

PJane takes DCL over to NurseTanya's for some pampering. Shitty receives an phone call from her mother (BT's Ironically Timed Phone Calls department is working overtime this week), and commiserates with DCL about how hard it must be to have lost her mother. DCL agrees, and then asks PJane if she can have her hair cut. PJane agrees and, lo and behold, DCL has it cut in the style of Cindy. Poline sees the hair cut, makes the sign of the cross and screams "It's Cindy! Cindy from beyond the grave!!!" and tells StraightPike all about what a witch Cindy was to the poor old downtrodden Bealemeister. This is actually a rather good plot development; let's hope that history will repeat itself and DCL will hire a hit man to take out the Bealemeister on his wedding day. Meanwhile, PJane finds a pack of tampons in DCL's bag which we had seen her shoplifting earlier. PJane realises that Lucy has been in such a bad mood as it's her very first rag week (get used to it, love, you've got another 35 years or so to go), so forgives her and they hug.

Bradders has organised a birthday surprise for JoJo - a trip on the LondonEye with champagne and truffles and everything! He tells Dadley about it and Dadley says that JoJo is far too common to appreciate it and that Bradders should find himself a classy lady. What, just like NurseTanya? Bradders also tells Dadley that JoJo's mum has just come out of the funny farm. Dadley immediately tells all his family and LittleLauren makes sarky comments about it to Bradders. Bradders has also, miraculously, managed to find a clothes shop apart from JoJo's stall, and has bought her a posh frock. RainMan delivers a card for JoJo which had arrived at the Tardis by mistake; BroJo sees it's from their mother and rips it up! However, BroJo's crime skills wouldn't tax even the Secret Seven for more than 30 secs, as he leaves the ripped card in the rubbish bin in the living room, where JoJo finds it. JoJo: annoyed.

JoJo wants BroJo to come with her to see their crazy mother, aka NutMum. BroJo says no way; JoJo is the nutty one for even wanting to go. JoJo arrives at NutMum's house to find NutMum not dressed (at 5pm!) and thinking it's 9am. Not a good start. JoJo drops BroJo into the conversation, just casual like, and NutMum starts screaming "He's dead, I tells ya! Sean is dead!" JoJo didn't realise NutMum was quite this far gone. Next day, NutMum is on quite good form and cooks JoJo a nice breakfast and gives her a digital camera for her 18th. JoJo shows NutMum a family picture. NutMum rips it up and screams a lot. JoJo flees back home, only to find that Bradders has gone on the Eye without her. She and Bradders row and she accuses him of trying to change her with his posh frocks and his London Eye trips. Bradders bursts into a few bars of Billy Joel's Just The Way You Are and they make up. JoJo tells BroJo that NutMum thinks he's dead. BroJo doesn't care.

Phoney agrees to take the BabyOfDoom out. Billy is pleased. When he comes home for lunch, Phoney has cooked a big meal. But where is the BabyOfDoom? Billy thinks the worst, but it turns out she's with Pat in the plot cupboard. Phoney says to Billy, isn't it great, just the two of us! Billy fails to pick up on her meaning until she hands him an adoption leaflet. He comes home the next day to find a note from Phoney saying that she just can't take it any more and has left him. Babs is angry and tells Billy to fight for his family "like a proper Mitchell!" Aaaargh. Billy tells her he's sick of hearing about the Mitchells - my hero! Babs and Billy take a taxi to NotDavidEssex's narrowboat in Kent (a taxi to Kent?!?!?! FFS.). They arrive. The narrowboat is moored on a green so idyllic, I keep expecting Miss Betsey Trotwood to appear to chase the donkies away. Phoney, however, has fled to the house of some posh but rather batty woman I've not seen before, who turns out to be her dead mother's sister. BattyAunt reveals her own adoption horror but says it was the right thing for her to do at the time and she will still love Phoney if she throws BabyOfDoom to the jackals.

Babs and NDE have made up now that Babs has confessed that she really rather likes BabyOfDoom, actually. Phoney arrives back and she and Billy talk about how hard BabyOfDoom's life will be. Phoney confesses that she hates the sight of BabyOfDoom and can't bear to be in the same room as "it", and that she nearly killed it with a pillow. Billy is shocked. He thinks back to his Psychology O-Level and pretends to be about to float BabyOfDoom off down the river to see if she survives. Unfortunately this backfires as Phoney is almost ready to shove the boat off, not stop him. Armed with this information, Billy reluctantly consents to the adoption. Fill and Babs are not pleased at all. PoshDoc comes around to get things going. Phoney tells Billy all about how she was expecting BabyJanet, not BabyOfDoom. As you all know, I'm actually a fan of Phoney, and she does all this stuff pretty well. She thanks Billy for going along with giving BabyOfDoom away, but Billy breaks down and cries like a big girl, which is actually rather affecting even to an old cynic such as myself.

And finally, Mrs Goggins tells TriniDad that her mother is coming over from Montserrat to meet him and that they can be a proper family at last. @@@ even wants to take TriniDad's picture to school! TriniDad realises that he hasn't thought this lying-about-the-DNA-results thing through and looks uncomfortable. This has to be one of the stupidest storylines yet for EE, and I'm even including the romance between Alan's mother and Felix the butterfly collector. Gah.

DOWNS DOWN, DEEPER AND DOWN...
Davetta's ring is too big for her, and PantoJane's clearing every corner of the cafe in a frantic search for her engagement bauble. Pat, the East End's answer to Miss Marple - though I bet Miss M had a much fruitier past, especially the Geraldine McEwan one - eyes BroJo suspiciously. BroJo does some fancy footwork - getting the ring back off Davetta and dropping it in PJane's handbag when she's not looking for PJ to find it later and buying Davetta something from Elizabeth Duke. It's not like Davetta would notice anyway. Indeed, Davetta is so dazzled by the cubic zirconia's sparkle that she thinks BroJo flinching every time she touches him is the frisson of barely-suppressed passion.

Bradley and Stacey realise that they're not going to get swanky Docklands flats on a secretary City chap and a market stall trader's earnings, and Bradley asks Davetta if they can move into Chez Lee. Blimey, the earth has barely settled on his shallow grave and they're already going through his stuff. Davetta makes a thoughtful face and announces to BroJo that they're moving out of the Slater Tardis and into Chez Lee. BroJo nearly goes into spasms over the idea of living with the flowered borders and Barry's remains all over the cellar, and tries to spend Hallowe'en on the sofa instead of watching Davetta shake her barely-legal booty in a leather catsuit at the club. Davetta gets all teary and forces him to spend the day comparing paint swatches in Habitat to prove that he loves her. BroJo's Evil Hug Face count goes through the roof. He gets his revenge by bullying Bradley and JoJo to move in and help with the mortgage or something. Davetta ups the control ante - wow, this girl has ISSUES - and plans a "romantic surprise" weekend in Venice. Aside from the fact that the words "romantic" and "surprise" always spell "mindbending disaster" in Eastenders World, does BroJo look like the kind of man who'd enjoy being serenaded in a gondola? Think so, I do not. BroJo holds back the physical revulsion only just, and says he's not going because it's JoJo's 18th birthday and he doesn't want to miss that. Is it me, or does anybody else think that his relationship with JoJo is a bit...well...creepy? I think JoJo agrees with me.

PantoJane is relieved at getting her ring back, but NOT FOR LONG. Ian's got plans for a huge swanky wedding. PantoJane tells him that she wants a registry office do with a couple of sandwiches in the park afterwards. But then Ian's got all those inlaws from his former marriages to keep sweet, so he sends out the invites for Hotel Des Poshoes anyway. Jane throws the ring at him and says the wedding's off. Then it's on again. Then there's an engagement party in the Vic that Ian uses as a PR opportunity - I'm sorry, is Stephen Merchant his PR monkey or something? PantoJane agrees to marry him after he makes an emotional speech about switching off CJ Dave's life support or something. Ian makes an evil face, just in case we didn't realise that this is another super elaborate Bealemeister setup.

Phoney really can't cope with the concept of a child who is may possibly be stupider than her. Billy meets an old friend with a Downs kid at the Downs Encounter Group, and has lots of fun engaging with parents etc. Phoney tries not to go "Eww!". She wrecks Petal's room and runs off into the night to discuss...adoption! Meanwhile, Babs has a change of heart and says she can love Petal after all, which is nice. Because Billy has a massive care home flashback and takes Petal to live with Babs until Phoney changes her mind. Phoney does lots of weeping and looking very sad indeed, and begs Billy to come back (and bring the baby if he has to). She tells the health visitor that she has changed her mind, then gets this [---] close to putting a pillow over Petal's sleeping face, but doesn't (phew!) and sits on the bed in mentalist staring mode.

Over at the TriniDad's. Geoffrey the Fresh Butler is slimy and tells TriniDad that Yolande is a no good 'ho before disappearing off to rearrange P Diddy's wardrobe or something. TriniDad believes him. Yolande: sad. @@ calls TriniDad "grandad" and gets him to do the paternity test. It comes back negative, but TriniDad doesn't tell Mrs Goggins, and lets the Gogginses believe that they're all family - well, in EE world they probably are really. Yolande announces that she's leaving, but TriniDad says he forgives her too, so she stays. Gogginses/TriniDads: happy, but maybe with a Troubled Hug Face.

In other news: GADawn breaks up with Slimy Metrosexual, then gets back together with him. Maybe Equity was cutting up rough, and the producers had to give her a few lines so that she could keep her card. Beano and Chelski find Parklife and Mrs G in a "compromising position" over at the Gogginses' old place. Ew

BRO JO DOUGH? NO GO! D'OH!
I don’t see no nativity scene but this is certainly a crib! I was out a lot last week! I am going on holiday tomorrow! This is going to be short!

1. It is Chlobecca’s birthday and Poline and Moomin initiate CAKE WAR!!! This does not involve actually fighting with cakes unfortunately. Instead they compete to make a nice cake for C-Bec. Dot makes one for Moomin to present, as she can see what Poline is up to, and then it mysteriously ends up on the floor. (at this point I shout “Poline, you are a transparent bitch!” at the TV) Moomin has a reserve shop bought cake though. In other news, Moomin and Martin have a shag. Gasp! Vom! Etc!

2. Phoney is still not coping with the baybay. In a scene laden with GCSE Symbolism, she starts arranging a Dolls House and then throws all the toy furniture onto the floor. EE script staff now have to write “I am not Ibsen” 100 times as punishment.

3. Nurse Tanyah’s salon is not doing well so Dadley goes to a successful salon round the corner and poaches their key staff member – an asian woman called Preti or something. It looks like he wants to poach more than just her employment contract if you know what I mean and I think you do.

4. Trinidad invites Geoffrey from Fresh Prince (yes, I looked that name up – I do research!!) to tea and ends up having a drunken brawl with him. Yolande sends him to bed early and then drunkenly shags Geoffrey? Or does she? OMG drunken blackout infidelity shame! Long story short – she didn’t and Geoffrey is a fantasist and serial liar and prob not Mrs Goggins dad either. Bye Geoffrey! Back to silver service temp agency for you!

5. Ugh, I just cannot get excited about this Davetta/Brojo storyline. Basically everyone is going “ohs noes! Where is Lee!” and BroJo is smarming round Davetta and doing many soap style over the shoulder mean face hugs etc (there should actually be a short verb for this activity) and trying not to act too bored while Davetta prattles on about her Bratz dolls or whatever. Then everyone is saying that he is a bad ‘un and not to trusted and then BroJo has to persuade Davetta not to give all her inheritance to charity. It is Tony Bennet’s funeral. At some point Davetta finds that the money has gone from the club safe and suspects Brojo. The only way he can quickly think of to get her to forgive him is to nick Pantojane’s engagement ring and leave it for Davetta to handily find. He says he was thinking of proposing to her ages ago but then everything went all tits up. Davetta squeals “oh yes, lets get married!!” They then go to se the solicitor executing Tony Bennet’s will and he says that Davetta can only have enough money to live on for the time being and won’t get her mahoosive fortune until she is 21. Brojo: gutted.

MY TWO TRINIDADS
It's all about dads this week. Davetta's dad has found out about BroJo (via Lee); and Mrs Goggins finds out about her real dad. Or does she??

The ongoing feud between BroJo and Lee heats up somewhat when Tony Bennett informs Davetta that he wants to meet this new man of hers. BroJo works out that Lee is somehow behind Tony Bennett's summons, and there's more homoerotic grr-ing over Davetta's soul. Lee's not in a good way. His girlfriend's a Cyberperson, his cousin's doing interesting euthanasia dramas on ITV, and he shot his brother just to watch him die. And what is Lee doing? Minding a chipmunk-faced, over-monied teen who owns a nightclub that even Alicia Duvall would think was a bit of a dump. No wonder he's fed up.

Moomin and Martin's decree absolute comes through. Poline almost smiles for about a milisecond, but Moomin tempts him with champagne - every trainee nurse at the Royal London has a bottle stashed in her fridge, as any fule kno - and they end up in bed together. Maybe
Moomin's teaching him a few moves that she learned from her week as a lesbian. Anyway, Dot catches them kissing and they decide that it was a moment of post-divorce madness, and nothing that Poline should know about. Poline is secretly pleased when he doesn't come home until 10am the following day, and thinks that he's in there with the hot primary school teacher and not with The Dirty Jackson. Moomin tells him that there's no future now that they've spent all that money on getting divorced and everything.

Working on the principle that all black people from Trinidad must be related to each other, and that they will eventually congregate in a particular area of east London, Mrs Goggins traces her father to one of the Five Hectors. What kind of name is that for a doo wop band? Shouldn't they be called The Chanterelles or something more doowoppy? TriniDad looks shifty and avoids her gaze at Porkpie's wake. The only other surviving Hector appears, and he's been spending the intervening years butling for the Fresh Prince of Bel Air and buying flash cars, by the look of it. TriniDad: cross that there's somebody that makes him look about as sexy as Poline's cardigan. Yolande tells TriniDad to stop mucking about and tell Mrs Goggins that he's her father, forgetting that there were four other Hectors to choose from. Mrs Goggins finally corners him and asks: "Are you my dad or what?". There's an ice-breaking dinner party that Cedric the Ex-Butler crashes, and the family is torn between nice cars and flash stuff (Chelski - who I think is OK, and you is all haytas, innit?); and a B&B housing the best Desmond Dekker collection this side of Haringey (@@@). Mrs Goggins asks Cedric to do a DNA test. TriniDad: sad.

BroJo meets with Tony Bennett and nearly slips on his own slime trail. Tony tells him to keep away from Davetta, but BroJo gives him the schtick about seeing supernovas off the moons of Saturn or some such rubbish (never stayed awake long enough to see all the famous bits of Blade Runner, sorry...), so he's not afraid of some tired ex-boxer in a rounders vest. Tony gets cross, and goes back to his cell to punch the wall. He appears to be sharing a bunk with famous film director and BFI nemesis Alan Parker. Alan offers to get a few of his contacts on the outside to sort out the ginger upstart. Like what, set up a soul band or get some kids to pelt him with custard pies? Tony collapses and clutches his arm in an "I'm having a heart attack" kind of way. Alan asks him who he has to sort out, and Tony says: "groogh...argh...Lee...groogh...meurgh...from...arrrgh...Office...". Oh dear.

BroJo tells Davetta that Lee told Tony on him. Davetta gets a call from the hospital about Tony's heart attack, and decides to drop into the club to sack Lee. Davetta shrieks a bit about being better off with a gold digging ponce than a psycho stalker boy who shot his own brother...etc. Lee tells Davetta that Curly would (sadly) have been alive if he hadn't tangled with Tony and started grooming Davetta to be his child bride. Then he really gets into his stride and says that everybody only pretends to like Needy Little Rich Girl Davetta; even JoJo just feels sorry for her. Off he goes to pack. Two ladies appear in the club to tell Davetta of Tony's death. Davetta is stunned and doesn't even notice when Lee walks back in to steal a few thousand out of the company safe. Lee stalks out of the club and into an ambush. Two of Alan's friends are waiting for him, and I don't think they want to discuss the career of Levi Stubbs.