MY TWO TRINIDADS
It's all about dads this week. Davetta's dad has found out about BroJo (via Lee); and Mrs Goggins finds out about her real dad. Or does she??

The ongoing feud between BroJo and Lee heats up somewhat when Tony Bennett informs Davetta that he wants to meet this new man of hers. BroJo works out that Lee is somehow behind Tony Bennett's summons, and there's more homoerotic grr-ing over Davetta's soul. Lee's not in a good way. His girlfriend's a Cyberperson, his cousin's doing interesting euthanasia dramas on ITV, and he shot his brother just to watch him die. And what is Lee doing? Minding a chipmunk-faced, over-monied teen who owns a nightclub that even Alicia Duvall would think was a bit of a dump. No wonder he's fed up.

Moomin and Martin's decree absolute comes through. Poline almost smiles for about a milisecond, but Moomin tempts him with champagne - every trainee nurse at the Royal London has a bottle stashed in her fridge, as any fule kno - and they end up in bed together. Maybe
Moomin's teaching him a few moves that she learned from her week as a lesbian. Anyway, Dot catches them kissing and they decide that it was a moment of post-divorce madness, and nothing that Poline should know about. Poline is secretly pleased when he doesn't come home until 10am the following day, and thinks that he's in there with the hot primary school teacher and not with The Dirty Jackson. Moomin tells him that there's no future now that they've spent all that money on getting divorced and everything.

Working on the principle that all black people from Trinidad must be related to each other, and that they will eventually congregate in a particular area of east London, Mrs Goggins traces her father to one of the Five Hectors. What kind of name is that for a doo wop band? Shouldn't they be called The Chanterelles or something more doowoppy? TriniDad looks shifty and avoids her gaze at Porkpie's wake. The only other surviving Hector appears, and he's been spending the intervening years butling for the Fresh Prince of Bel Air and buying flash cars, by the look of it. TriniDad: cross that there's somebody that makes him look about as sexy as Poline's cardigan. Yolande tells TriniDad to stop mucking about and tell Mrs Goggins that he's her father, forgetting that there were four other Hectors to choose from. Mrs Goggins finally corners him and asks: "Are you my dad or what?". There's an ice-breaking dinner party that Cedric the Ex-Butler crashes, and the family is torn between nice cars and flash stuff (Chelski - who I think is OK, and you is all haytas, innit?); and a B&B housing the best Desmond Dekker collection this side of Haringey (@@@). Mrs Goggins asks Cedric to do a DNA test. TriniDad: sad.

BroJo meets with Tony Bennett and nearly slips on his own slime trail. Tony tells him to keep away from Davetta, but BroJo gives him the schtick about seeing supernovas off the moons of Saturn or some such rubbish (never stayed awake long enough to see all the famous bits of Blade Runner, sorry...), so he's not afraid of some tired ex-boxer in a rounders vest. Tony gets cross, and goes back to his cell to punch the wall. He appears to be sharing a bunk with famous film director and BFI nemesis Alan Parker. Alan offers to get a few of his contacts on the outside to sort out the ginger upstart. Like what, set up a soul band or get some kids to pelt him with custard pies? Tony collapses and clutches his arm in an "I'm having a heart attack" kind of way. Alan asks him who he has to sort out, and Tony says: "groogh...argh...Lee...groogh...meurgh...from...arrrgh...Office...". Oh dear.

BroJo tells Davetta that Lee told Tony on him. Davetta gets a call from the hospital about Tony's heart attack, and decides to drop into the club to sack Lee. Davetta shrieks a bit about being better off with a gold digging ponce than a psycho stalker boy who shot his own brother...etc. Lee tells Davetta that Curly would (sadly) have been alive if he hadn't tangled with Tony and started grooming Davetta to be his child bride. Then he really gets into his stride and says that everybody only pretends to like Needy Little Rich Girl Davetta; even JoJo just feels sorry for her. Off he goes to pack. Two ladies appear in the club to tell Davetta of Tony's death. Davetta is stunned and doesn't even notice when Lee walks back in to steal a few thousand out of the company safe. Lee stalks out of the club and into an ambush. Two of Alan's friends are waiting for him, and I don't think they want to discuss the career of Levi Stubbs.

BROJO RISING
Pantojane is suspicious about Ian’s creepy ass proposal and who can blame her. She wonders if he knows about the affair! Gasp! But he says no and that he truly lurves her. Ian goes to see Fill and tells him not to tell PJane that Ian knows about her sordid shenans with Guh-want, as Ian doesn’t want her to know until he dumps her at the altar (probably). Jane makes him propose again and accepts this time. Ruh roh. DC Lucy says she enjoys going to her dad’s frequent weddings. Bitch. Jane wants a quiet wedding but Ian announces it to all at the Vic on purpose. I bet this is all a psych out and Ian is going to be as good as gold. Jane must be exceptional at shot calling type activities, is all I’m sayin’

Moomin and MMartin (sigh) are getting ready for Chloebecca’s birthday. Poline of course is a heinous witch and keeps plotting to cut Moomin out of everything. Moomin grasses her up to Martin.

There is non comedy nonsense re Mrs Goggins and Parklife being embarrassed about Pat etc hearing their loud sex noises. Mrs Goggins then has a row with Yolande about some change or something and then goes to apologise when she realises that she was in the wrong. Her and Yolande bond (of course, as they are both black ladies ) and sing a song together at krapaoke..

Next day. Trinidad hears that his friend off of Desmonds has died. The friend was in a motown type group with Trinidad and some other blokes (we’ll call it the 5 tops) and then OMG, what are the chances – it turns out that Mrs Goggins never knew her father but did know that he was in the 5 Tops . Wow, this plot is so half baked that I’m getting salmonella just writing about it. If it turns out that TriniDad really is Mrs Goggins dad then I will have no choice but to go on a rampage of some kind.

GADawn is worried that the Vic is not busy enough to keep her employed and suggest that Babs gets the Blazin Squad or someone in to bring in the crowds. Wow, Dawn really is as stupid as she looks. Babs says yes but then welshes on the deal and gets karaoke in instead. Babs sings “My Way” (I would have preferred it if she had sung “My humps” instead, tee hee). Moomin and martin sing something (“I got you (pregnant then ran over your boyfriend and married you anyway) babe” perhaps) while Poline makes the bitchface in one corner. Next day, she keeps trying to set him up with birds and make him go out on the pull etc. Weirdo. All her plans seem to come to fruition when they go to a thing at school and martin meets a hot teacher he knew from when he was a kid.

BroJo and Lee continue their homoerotic feud for Davetta’s VERY SOUL. I suggest naked wrestling. BroJo resorts to dirty tricks like breaking into Lee’s house and making spooky noises etc. At one point he hilariously mocks up the ghost of Ethel 2.0 to give Lee the shits. It would have been funnier if he had actually dressed up as Ethel 2.0 himself and then humped out with a knife going “eeeeee!!!” like in Psycho. Lee shouts and acts all crazy mad nutcase. Dozy Davetta tells BroJo not to miss with Lee as Lee once shot his brother in Epping, just to watch him die. Brojo does a patented hug/look over shoulder/evil face combo. I am getting a bit sick of BroJo’s evil faces and also think he needs a haircut. And to get his kit off more often.

Brojo goes to taunt Lee with his newfound knowledge and Lee whines to Davetta for telling BroJo important facts. Davetta loves BroJo. Tells Lee to leave off etc and so on. Rinse, repeat. Lee offers to pay BroJo off but BroJo says “bwa ha ha, I will steal everything off that stupid ballroom dancing brat! Bwa ha ha”. Instead of, like taping him or filming him say that (using the club’s magic CCTV system), Lee phones Tony Bennett in prison and says “help!”

Southern Jezebel SJ is still ripping off the Minster. St Gus is annoyed that he is spending money on SJ when he can’t pay his rent etc. Naomi and AGarry fret about him and arrange for Fill to let him have his job back. Agarry spots Stupid Jaws actually snogging Sid in broad daylight. Dun dun dunhhh! Minty prepares a special meal for SJ but she is too busy sexing up her creepy brotherlover. Afterwards they start bickering and SJ squeals “I want a byebee, Seed!” about 50 times in a row. Gary goes round to tell Minty about his kissing news and they have an argument about SJ. Minty admits that one time he found them naked and there was a perfectly good explanation ie they both fell in a puddle and had to change their clothes and then Sid bruised his penis and SJ had to kiss it better etc etc. AG gets him to go straight round to SJ’s dingy bedsit and they find her and Seed in bed. Minty makes a sad face.

Next day (a lot of stuff is happening next day in this blog) Minty is putting as brave face on his incest/cuckold shame. SJ and Sid have completely disappeared (forevah, hopefully). AGarry goes for a chat, but Minty says he is fine. AG doesn’t believe him. They argue and AG says that he thinks Minty knew that SJ was ripping him off but let her get away with it because he was so desperate and hornay. Minty punches AG in the face. Gasp! AG is shocked! They had talked about trying some S&M but hadn’t agreed on a safe word yet! AG runs off to cry and cross “Mr Garry Mintster” off the front of his exercise book. Minty is so ashamed that he packs his bags to leave town. AG begs him to stay and asks him to move back in and Minty does a cute little smile and agrees. Awwww. Re-united and it feels so good!

(OFF TOPIC NEWS!!! Me and Sarah write about Robin Hood and Strictly Come Dancing on TV Dinners and I have done another bit of the capital-ring walk - through the east end OMG!!)

THE FULL MINTY
Part shoddy crib, part yes-I-actually-watched-it-this-week. And I want two hours of my life back, please.

Operation Skin Minty is up and running again. I can't really get a handle on this on-again-off-again femme fatale business. Especially as the femme isn't exactly fatale and keeps blethering in mock Welsh while her rat-faced boyfriend/brother lurks in the background. I can only guess that it's leading up to some kind of explosive finale involving Kissing Sid, some Castrol GTX, and a set of adjustable spanners. Until then we have to put up with Minty mooching around, sighing every time he sees a blonde hair (Note to Minty: stop watching Hollyoaks), Kissing Sid looks mean and shifty and tells SJ that he's outta there if SJ doesn't get back together with Minty and wring the rest of his huge mechanic's salary out of him. They'd be better off targeting Jim, wouldn't they? Or the Bealemeister. He's got a thing about calculating, man-faced blondes.

Minty mooches around at the Arches. AGarry smugly tells Minty that SJ is no better than she should be, the hussy. Minty sighs and sees SJ bouncing towards him, hair swinging, grimacing until her eyes disappear, and decides to treat her to lunch in the pub. Kissing Sid appears again, and makes mean, shifty comments about not wanting his sister to go out with a tightwad. Minty gets drunk on three beers and goes back to finish off the service on the Bealewagon.

Oh yes, Ian orders PJane to get the Bealewagon serviced by Anybody But Fill before sunset or there will be trouble, and then flounces off to the accountants. PJane doesn't say: "Do it yourself, fishface", and spends a morning buttering toast and calling mechanics. I mean, how difficult is it to get a car serviced in London? She can't find anybody to take the car and secretly sends the car to the Arches anyway. Ian finds out, refuses to pay for the service, and there are non-comedy shenanigans when Ian tries to sneak the car out of the yard (Fill lies in the back seat and goes: "Boo!" if you must know).

On the other side of the square, the Slaters are bored of the plot cupboard and are off to Lanzarote. Well, Mo and Prison Bitch Bert are. Apparently Posh Slater (remember her? The one with the wigs) has a villa out there or something. Davetta wants BroJo all to herself, so pays for JoJo to join them - but she has to get BroJo to give JoJo the money because JoJo doesn't want any gangster dosh. Then Bradley gets to go too. But PB Bert is scared of flying and tries to persuade Mo that Mablethorpe is much more bracing for people their age. BroJo is all smirky and tries to steal one of Davetta's rent cheques so that he can go on a spree at Lawrence Corner. But Davetta wants to go for a lovely walk and a picnic with home-made sandwiches, not even M&S ones. BroJo: thwarted.

Prison Bitch Bert manages to dodge the EasyJet flight and returns to the Slater tardis. Davetta: thwarted. BroJo: strangely uninterested.

An utterly dreadful Health Visitor patronises Phoney, just as she was getting the hang of feeding the Cutest Baby in the WORLD*. Phoney does that starey thing again and hands the baby back to Billy. How can Phoney not bond with that little darling? NotDavid moves in and sends Phoney off to be pampered. But Phoney doesn't go, and there's more staring into space and going "aggh!" every time Billy suggests they let the baby have some fresh air. Foxy Doctor intervenes and points out that Petal (?!) is indeed the Cutest Baby Evah. Phoney holds Petal for a bit, and Billy tells her that she'll be a great mother. NotDavid departs for some work in Kent.

Minty gets into trouble with Fill and gets sacked after he points out that somebody with Fill's relationship/parenting/drinking history has no business dishing out advice on how to deal with women. Fill cheers himself up by buying the video shop for Ben. I'm with Grace Dent on this one. What kind of present is that for a ten-year-old? Maybe if you got rid of the videos and boring DVDs and filled it with Lego Bionicles and Megabloks dragon thingumajigs you might be onto something there Fill...but even a shop full of copies of Van Wilder: Party Liaison wouldn't do much for most small boys.

In other news, BroJo amuses himself by making silent phone calls to Lee, sending him junk mail about retirement homes, and generally being a dick. Dear producers: if you're going to create a handsome-but-troubled sociopath, could you at least give him something decently crazy to do? One misdirected Stannah stair lift brochure does not a reign of terror make. I reckon he fancies Lee, and this is the only way he knows of communicating his love.

PJane writes a cheque for the car service. Does this woman have "Doormat" tattooed across her forehead? Ian has an accident because Minty didn't put the wheels on properly and is cross. Minty is too busy shagging SJ to care. But Winston gets at least ten lines after Ian ploughs into his stall. Go Winston! Tell it like it is! Ian storms back to the Arches and accuses Fill of trying to kill him. Fill says: "Ha, if I really wanted to kill you, I'd tell you that your girlfriend shagged my brother...oh..."

Ian apparently storms off into the night, and PJane gets worried when he isn't around the following morning. Don't worry PJ, he's probably got Juhneen's address somewhere. Fill swears on his mother's life that he didn't tell Ian about PJ and Grunt.

Meanwhile Minty is wracked with guilt - given the number of times he and Fill have tried to hurt Ian very badly, I'm not quite sure what he's on about here. Anyway, Fill tries to blame Minty and chuck SJ out. Minty blames Fill, and there's lots of pink-faced shouting.

Ian returns with that sneery look on his face and asks PJane to marry him. PJane doesn't stop to think about what has happened to at least two of Ian's ex-wives and says yes. Nooooo! Run Panto Jane! Run!

EASTIES UPDATE SPECIAL: THE OUTSIDERS AKA THE DEN VINCI CODE
I totally missed the first half of Denman’s new televisual offering, which is a huge shame as (a) I missed all the shirtlessness and (b) I would have loved to be able to take the piss out of the whole thing (if anyone wants to take the piss out of the first half then pls email me at elmarkco(at)yahoo(dot)co(dot)uk and I will splice the two piss-takes together quicker than Fur-wank with a pair of dodgy bashed up motors).

Anyway, as far as I can tell, Denman is a rugged loner style art thief or some such, who runs around in a black polo neck jumper like the Saint at the behest of a shadowy organisation who stand round a giant magic telly like Galadriel’s spooky “mirror of watching stuff” in LOTR. He is teamed up with an art expert girl who is probably supposed to be “glamorous and feisty” but who took a wrong turn along the lines of “pie faced and brittle”. I suppose I will have to call her Shazza. Don’t ask me to explain the plot as I doubt it makes sense even if you have watched the whole thing – it seems that Denman and Shazza have to recover a secret painting that contains a secret code giving the secret of eternal life (oh Dan Brown, you have a lot to answer for). It is owned by some creepy rich folk with a James Bond base on a remote island and the Vatican also want it so the Pope can live forevah (um hey Pope, I’m no theologian but isn’t that what HEAVEN is for???). Denman is beset by Vatican ninjas (That’s right. Vatican. Ninjas. It would have been less ludicrous if those colourful swiss guard dudes had attacked them) in a fight scene that won’t be making Jet Li lose any sleep.Denman is all "Grrr! Smash! and kills one of the ninjas with his bare hands! Shazza looks all perturbed - either (a) she is shocked by his brutal hotttness or (b) she is thinking "damn, I'lll never get my kids into church school now!"

There is more plotiness and then Denman has to smuggle himself onto James Bond island in a packet of frozen fish fingers whilst in suspended animation or something. Shazza has to wake him up with a shot of adrenalin from his icy sleep (ie he is wearing a bit of blue lip stick) and he pretends not to wake up to mess with her head – what a larf riot. There is a hilarious scene where she kind of mashes his face around squealing “Wake up! Wake up!” that is most unflattering to poor Denman).

After Denman finally stops messing around, he climbs over ONE invisible laser beam (Catherine Zeta Jones somewhere is saying “easy peasy!” Even Britney Spears could cope with more laser beams than that in the Toxic video and she had to sing at the same time!) and steals the magic picture. He is supposed to run away but stops to save Shazza from being shot by the baddies’ Chris De Burgh looking henchman (cue more lame fisticuffs). Denman falls over and has some kind of traumatic flashback where a little girl’s ghost leads him away by the hand. What. Ev. Er. Not shown: Denman muttering “Goddamnit Vickney, can’t you leave me alone for a second!” He then blows everything up with some executive desk toys (cue some not at all special effects), outruns both an explosion and a speeding bullet (I must have missed the part where they explain that he comes from the planet Krypton) and disappears without trace. When Shazza gets back to the shadowy base thing with the magic telly, it turns out that they sold the magic picture to the Vatican after all. Ohs noes – the shadowy secret organisation is not to be trusted. Who would have thought it? Oh the cynicism etc and so on. Then it turns out that Denman switched the picture for a fake and kept the real one – what a tinker. Also: So many twists! Mind cannot compute. Looks like you won’t be living forever after all Mr Pope. Sucks to be you.

In the end, Shazza and Denman meet up in a graveyard and erm, talk about stuff aka beg to be given a proper series. Yes please – with C of E ninjas next time! Those Anglican mofos are hardcore!

A MATTER OF PARKLIFE AND DEATH
This week's extra special Easties Update contributed by the lovely Patrick
It's been a bumper week this week, but we'll save the main storyline until last.

The homos*xuals who run the BBC have decided that wet, topless BroJo is a good idea. He struts his topless stuff around the Slater kitchen, causing JoJo to feel ill (no possibility of a Brookside-style storyline, then) and Davetta to juice up. JoJo tells Davetta that BroJo is a Bad Lad and will only hurt her. Davetta flutters her eyelashes and says "but he really likes me so everything will be all right". Don't these young girls watch soap operas? JoJo warns BroJo to break it off with Ruby, but be gentle with her. Unexpectedly, BroJo agrees. What is his cunning plan? He cancels lunch with Davetta. Davetta: sad. She asks JoJo to find out why BroJo has broken it off. BroJo convinces JoJo (too many "Jos". Ed.) that he does really like Davetta! JoJo says, all right, go out with her then. Davetta: happy. It is unclear at this point whether the beast with two backs has been made, but I think probably not.

BroJo is turning out to be an excellent worker at the club. Apparently he has a slew of amazing ideas like, erm, running drinks promotions. Maybe not opening your nightclub (the clue's in the name) at 11am would be another good idea. Lee is angry, as he wants to sack BroJo. He leaves BroJo to deal with a representative from the brewery, Mr Jones or something. But what is this? Mr Jones is sick, so has sent a foxy young strumpet to go over the figures with BroJo. Lee: annoyed. BroJo: gets leg over. Later, BreweryStrumpet shows up again, and Lee escorts her and BroJo into the office to go over the figures. Then, in best teen girl bitch fashion, Lee calls Davetta and says BroJo urgently wants to see her...in the office! Oh no! They walk towards the door, and Lee throws it open with an overdramatic air. And then, there they are, exposed, BroJo and BreweryStrumpet...going through the figures!! Oh the irony! All is confusion and Lee realises he looks like an idiot. BreweryStrumpet is just leaving, but on the way out we see her doing up her skirt. BroJo looks evilly at the camera and taunts Lee with his failure.

Dot is enjoying a quiet cigarette in the caff when an officious posh woman tells her that the caff is non-smoking (since when?). Seasoned soap viewers will realise that Posh Woman is going to be important later on. And lo and behold, who does she turn out to be but the new GP. Comedy a-go-go. I'm betting that she and Agarry will be an item by November.

Minty is still being given the run around by evil Aussie SJ and her no-good brother. Put 'em both on a prison ship; it was good enough for their great grandparents!**

NurseTanya is overrun at the salon. Little Lauren is off sick and has been left in Dot's care, and Chelsea hasn't shown up either. PantoJane arrives, wanting a manicure. Maybe she needs her nails to be in good shape for when she runs them down the Bealemeister's back and sinks them into his fleshy white buttocks during their hot l*vemaking sessions. PJ tells NT that it's nice that Lauren and Devil Child Lucy have struck up a friendship, but could NT stop Lauren being slutty (i.e. wearing make-up) as it's having a bad influence on DCLucy. PJ says she supposes it's not surprising that Lauren is a child slut as her mother is in the business of marketing the warpaint of wh*res (i.e. make-up). NT is offended and says that DCLucy can probably cook a mean fry-up as that's all PJ does. Tension is avoided when Dot arrives, needing advice on how to discipline the modern child as Lauren, clearly not unwell, is talking about "well buff" boys on her mobile telephonic device. You know you're getting old when you start identifying with Dot.

NotDavidEssex asks Babs to go to the hospital with him to see Billy, Phoney and the BabyOfDoom. Babs agrees to keep NDE on side, but really isn't that keen. NDE is making a dolls' house for the baby. Whilst they're at the hospital, a doctor comes in with some student doctors and makes insensitive comments about how BabyOfDoom has a lower bodyweight and floppy arms than a normal baby. NDE sad and upset. Babs & NDE have a row, with Babs saying that BabyOfDoom should be left exposed on a hillside for the jackals to eat. NDE says that Billy and Phoney need her support, but agrees that he will talk about "options" with Phoney. Babs says that they're both too stupid to look after a BabyOfDoom and it's time everyone realised this. NDE decorates Billy & Phoney's flat with the help of Pat. He and Pat bond as they bitch about Babs's bad attitude. Is Pat going to steal Babs's man AGAIN? Go for it, Pat. Babs arrives with a weedy bunch of flowers, which is pretty poor considering NDE's efforts. BabyOfDoom arrives home and begins to cry. Phoney can't cope and throws the baby at Billy. NDE thinks that maybe Babs has a point, and dismantles the dolls' house he was making. I love it when they hire GCSE English students as EE scriptwriters and tell them to "use symbolism".

Mrs Goggins and Parklife are loved up. Note to Parklife: wearing t-shirts makes you look like a barrel. Spandau's mum (Gr@n for short) arrives and says that Spandau has gone AWOL. Well, the poor bloke was faced with having to go and live in Cardiff. Mrs G refuses to go and help look for Owen. Gr@n says, "but what if he..." and leaves a pregnant pause. @@@ demands to know what she means. It turns out that Spandau has threatened to top himself. @@@ screams "he's probably already dead and it's all your fault!" Chelsea, possibly the worst actress EastEnders has ever seen, and I'm even including Ali who used to run the caff, tells Gr@n that it's all her fault that Spandau turned out Evil. Parklife asks Beano to keep an eye on Chelsea & @@@ whilst he and Mrs G go to find Spandau. Gosh, if I were being threatened by a drunken violent maniac, I'd look to Beano as a first port of call, I surely would.

Spandau is lying comatose in the park. He wakes up for just long enough to see a symbolically happy father and son playing football together. Those GCSE English students again, gotta love 'em. This drives him back to the bottle. I'm sure if you left an open bottle of vodka unattended in an east London park overnight there would be enough left by morning to drink some more. Spandau also apparently has DRUCKS! Well, a bottle of headache pills at least.

@@@ rings Spandau, who tells her that he is a LOSER. @@@ says that's okay, she still loves him. Spandau tricks her into telling him that Mrs G has gone out and says he'll just pop over for a nice cup of tea. @@@ isn't happy about this, but Gr@n says it'll be fine. Gr@n then lies to Mrs G to keep her away. Bad Gr@n!! @@@ is horrified when she sees drunken dishevelled Spandau and, amazingly, does the sensible thing and locks herself in her room. Spandau does a lot of moaning about how he just wants to say goodbye as @@@ cowers in her room. This is pretty well done by EE; @@@ is five zillion times the actress Chelsea is and really does well here. Spandau beats Gr@n up, wrecks the flat and makes off with @@@. Parklife & Mrs G arrive back in a state. Gr@n lies again and says that Beano & Chelsea must have left the door open when they left for work and that's how Spandau got in. Parklife calls the police and Mrs G rings Spandau. Gr@n cracks under stiff police cross-examination ("Did you let him in?" "Yes I did.").

Spandau has got @@@ in a car in Epping Forest, which is where all good EastEnders go to murder their close relatives. He tells Mrs G that he is going to kill himself and @@@, and he also sends Gr@n a txt saying "SORRY MUM BYE". Spandau throws his wallet and keys into the water and smashes his mobile phone. Despite having thrown the keys into the water, he's able to start the car and put the hose into the window. However, as it is a dodgy used car he's stolen from Parklife's lot, it breaks down! Spandau breaks a window of the car and then tries to start it again. You've broken the window, man, even if you were to start the car again you wouldn't be able to carry out your cunning suffocation plan. Continuity really aren't trying very hard here. Spandau and @@@ regain consciousness and @@@ is horrified to realise that Spandau has tried to kill her. Spandau sobs that his dad was his hero. @@@ says that hers was, but no longer now he's tried to kill her. Spandau finds this an unreasonable sentiment and gets angry again.

Mrs G and Parklife read @@@'s secret diary but all it says is that Mrs G is a bitch for not trying harder with Spandau. However, Parklife finds a secret rock which says where Spandau and @@@ are. Don't ask. Parklife and Mrs G race up to Epping Forest. The police hadn't been able to find the two of them (it's no wonder groups of pesky kids with lashings of ginger beer find it easy to solve crimes if all police are as inept as this lot) but Mrs G and Parklife arrive on the scene almost immediately. They find Spandau floating face down in the river, and @@@ lying on the bank, still, grey and, to all appearance, dead!

However, neither are. @@@ is in hospital recovering. Gr@n shows up and says that Spandau has been taken to the funny farm and will never bother them again, because no one in the UK is ever released early from prisons, especially if they're mentally unstable. Chelsea and Mrs G row as Chelsea blames her for letting Spandau back into their lives. Chelsea doesn't want to live with Mrs G. However, all ends happily with the entire Goggins and Parklife clans ensconsed in Pat's house, a plan to which Pat has miraculously agreed.

**:Australians please note: Patrick is in fact the direct descendant of Patrick "Dingo Strangler" O'Patrick - scourge of Botany Bay and harasser of unprepossessing chip shop owners.

SYSTEM OF A DOWNS

I don't know, you wait ages for an update and then two come along at the same time etc etc

GA Dawn gets a lunch date with Mr Smarmy Metrosexual and worries about what to wear – I’d be worried too if the costume dept hated me as much as they seem to hate GADawn - the final outfit turns out to include a bizarre and hideous silver bolero jacket with little puffy sleeves. WTF?? At the date, it is all going well until GADawn asks Smarmy about his ex wife or whatever and he goes all “la la la, is that the time? Look over there!!” and then runs out of the room when her head is turned. GADawn is suspicious! Perhaps he has his missus locked up in the attic a la Jane Eyre!

JoJo is still depressed after babygate and is moping around and snapping at people. Oh where is yr moxie JoJo, pls to get back to yr old self soon! Bradley says he has something v important to ask her and I get pre-emptively angry about a teen wedding plot, but it turns out that he wants to ask her to live with him in a swanky flat belonging to a work colleague who is going to live in HK for a while. JoJo accepts while everyone else mutters that she is no better than she ought to be (or something) but then when they go to meet the prospective landlord, he says no as Jojo is too rough and common for his beautiful loft style apartemente. Not shown – JoJo slashing landlord’s face with sharpened Claire’s Accessories nail file.

Trinidad has an old friend come to visit, who turns out to be that bloke out of Desmonds. He thinks they are going to P.A.R.T.Y. but it turns that out old friend has cancer and hasn’t long to live. Trinidad has an existential crisis and sits on the sofa saying “what’s the point?” but then Yolande cheers him up by playing a record or something. Whatever.

BroJo continues to flirt with Davetta while JoJo makes disapproving faces. I miss bits of the week but at one point Davetta reads him some Keats poetry and BroJo says it is rubbish as Keats obviously never manned a checkpoint in Basra or saw attack ships burning off the shoulder of Orion. Davetta giggles girlishly as philistinism = HOTT!!

Billy goes to the orspital and asks if Phoney has been to see the baby recently. Phoney is all “What baby? Oh right, that one… no, not yet, I‘ve been too busy staring vacantly into space” Billy is sad. A nice male nurse says comforting things. Phoney phreaks out when he calls the baby “Janet” and starts going on about they aren’t going to name her defective child after her sainted mother blah blah blah. Nice Male Nurse suggests they call it “Petal” as that is what people have been calling the kid. I’m sorry but Petal is only a suitable name to give your prize heifer or something. They get to take the baby home – Phoney is pleased to be coming home but then freaks out (again) when she sees that their room has been all babified and again when she worries that people have found out her secret baby shame etc etc.

Babs has been planning a baby party but Fill doesn’t think it is such a good idea and eventually Pat has to tell her that “Petal” has teh DS. Babs is all “oh noo!”, has the party instantly cancelled and has sack cloth and ashes hung around the Vic instead. Good old bigot Babs!! Of course, no one bothers to tell Phoney and Billy that the party is cancelled so they show up to be confronted by bells tolling and moaning and wailing etc. They turn around and run away again and Pat and David Wessex tell Babs off for being insensitive. David Wessex cheers up Phoney a bit and they open the presents – Phoney starts moaning that all the toys are a waste of time as “Petal” won’t be able to play with them and Nice Male Nurse pops up out of nowhere to give a PSA about how actually DS babies love to play. Phoney says unconvincingly that one day she will feel motherly feelings towards little Petal and stares blankly into space (has there been a scene where Phoney hugs someone and gazes coldly over their shoulder yet? What are they waiting for???)

Spandau’s spanner faced mum begs for Mrs Goggins to say nice things at Spandau’s trial so that the judge will be nice to him or something. Mrs Goggins: “Um, I think not!!” @@@ also begs Mrs G to speak at the trial and it all comes out that @@@ visited Spandau at HMP Lakeland Plastics. There is shouting etc but in the end Mrs Goggins succumbs to emotional blackmail, goes to the trial and says “He totally beat the shit out of me and knocked out one of my teeth, but my colossally insensitive and spoilt daughter still likes him so I suppose he can’t be a bad sort really.” The judge says “fair enough” and gives Spandau a suspended sentence – he is free to leave the court! Ruh roh. He tells everyone he is going to move to Cardiff (he avoided prison for that!!) but then runs and hides under a hedge or something so that everyone panics and thinks he has kidnapped @@@ (If I was Mrs Goggins I would let him kidnap the ungrateful little brat). @@@ turns up unharmed and everyone gives a sigh of relief. Mrs G won’t let them says goodbye properly and so Spandau and Mrs S set off in a cab to the coach station, but then Spandau makes a mean face and says stop the cab! he is getting out to launch a reign of terror for a drink. Dun Dun Dunhh!!

PS Off topic I know, but me and my boyfriend have started a new blogging project where we walk all the way round london and blog as we go - pls check it out here and do leave a comment, esp if you live any where along the route and have suggestions of things to See and Do. Thanks M x

DAMMIT JANET
Apologies to all again. Work is going a bit crazy and then my computer started doing flashing pink and green Bridget Riley patterns all over the screen, so it's a mostly shoddy crib-type affair this week.

Monday
Honey keeps looking at baby Janet and going "ew", and then pretending that she's in for an ingrowing toenail. The nurse says she's worried about Phoney's mental state. Don't you have to have more than two functioning brain cells to have a mental state? Davetta confesses that she might fancy BroJo a bit and Stacey is all: "You fancy my almost-ginger Psycho Two Zero brother? Are you mad?". BroJo goes around upsetting people - especially Billy, who turns into a ranting Tube maniac and tries to pick a fight with a bloke in the suit because he's...umm...wearing a suit. Billy obviously doesn't travel on the tube much. Anyway, Suit Man reminds Billy that it's the anniversary of the World Trade Centre bombings (I refuse to call it 9/11 because that's my mum's birthday), and Billy should be thinking peaceful thoughts. "Billy realises that he's been too quick to judge people. He feels ashamed of the way he's been behaving" - it says here.

Tuesday
Oooh, I saw a bit of this one. BroJo goes around being generally irritating and bad to the bone. I'm sure we're going to discover that being this annoying is a genuine symptom of Post Traumatic Disorder, but until we do I'm going to ask the Iraqi insurgents why the hell they let this one go. Maybe he's Osama's latest secret weapon: the Annoying Ginger of the Apocalypse, sent by God to wind us up with his loathsome Lothario ways and petty thievery.

Mrs Goggins has a visitor. It's Spandau's Mum! Mrs Spandau says there's been a terrible mistake, and Spandau's in jail for a crime he didn't commit. Mrs G, Chelski and @@@ all chorus: "Oh yes he did". Mrs Spandau: sad.

Stiffen your sinews, everyone. Babs has been making the beast with two backs with NotDavid Essex, though he's still sleeping on the sofa in case Fill finds out and gets Oedipal on NotDavid's ass. As it happens, Not David confesses to Fill. Fill grunts that he's over that Freudian shit now, and besides, he's been worrying too much about MiniFill to notice. Maybe he's discovered that Squeaky is working as a club singer in Marbella and calls up Grunt for an amusing caper in Spain that involves Fill going a gentle shade of scarlet and Grunt beating up someone called Manuel while Squeaky breaks the sound barrier...

Phoney: "Baby? What baby?". Billy is worried. Enter NotDavid, who wants to know where his grandaughter is. Phoney says it's all gone horribly wrong. NotDavid takes over...

Thursday
Phoney and Billy discover that the baby has a heart condition and needs an operation. A nation gasps. Phoney does her nails. NotDavid repels all visitors and tells Babs that the baby isn't too well. Nobody mentions the D word. Cut to Phoney, surrounded by pictures of grinning Downs children and wanting to know how soon the baby will die. Billy: very sad. So am I, actually. Poor little mite (the baby, not Billy)

Meanwhile BroJo starts putting the moves on Davetta. Davetta wants to know why he's suddenly being so nice and BroJo says that war does funny things to your manners. Oh dear, any minute now he's going to dig himself a trench in McArfur and start quoting Wilfred Owen. Davetta, the poor desperate little scrap, takes him under her wing and gives him a bar job in her club. Lee objects, but Davetta stamps her tiny foot and says: "It's MY club, and if I want a hunky psycho behind the bar, I'll have one, thankyouverymuch!"

Mrs Spandau goes to see Spandau in jail and calls him a no good low down loser bastard for beating up Mrs Goggins. Spandau says: "Yes, yes you're right, but have you seen her in action?" But you can see where @@@'s latent feminism comes from with Mrs S tells Spandau that he's not the victim here, and that he deserves to rot for what he did to the Gogginses. Spandau learns that @@@ doesn't want to see him ever again and is sad.

Fill asks Ben if he'd like a surprise little sister. Ben storms off in an only child huff.

Friday
Fill finds Billy swigging whiskey in Scarlet's - what kind of nightclub opens during the day? I know I ask this all the time, but you know...Anyway, Billy tells Fill that the baby has Down's syndrome. Fill insists on visiting the maternity ward, and introduces himself as "Uncle Fill" to Baby Janet and...gasp...talks to her. Billy has a major revelation and spends the rest of the day chattering away to his little girl. Phoney appears to have locked herself in the bathroom.

@@@ goes with Mrs Spandau to visit Spandau in prison. Spandau says that she did the right thing to shop him to the fuzz, and not to worry about him. He'll make sure he always knows where the soap is in the showers. @@@: sad. Apparently only Mrs Goggins can save him now.

Lee tries to make BroJo into a proper barman but BroJo's all: "Yeah, whatever, Grandad. The chicks dig me because I'm cute and troubled and bad to the bone. You're just a has-been with a nice profile.

Bradley gets Nurse Tanyah to help him pick out some earrings for JoJo. Nurse Tanyah warns him that they might not be common enough for JoJo, but JoJo apparently keeps them for best.

TELL THEM ABOUT THE HONEY-MUMMY
This is very much a week of peaks and troughs and all the troughs come in the first two - three episodes. Oh lordy – first of all it is the surprise wedding that Babs has planned for Billy and Phoney. I have never heard such a ridiculous idea as planning a wedding without either of the participants knowing. Either all those bizarre wigs have caused Bab’s Brain to overheat or else the writers have been borrowing them while they come up with their so-called plots and THEIR brains have overheated. Anyway, Billy finds out, um somehow, so it is all down to Babs to get Phoney to the church without realising there is a wedding on – I suggest waving something shiny in her face to keep her distracted. Fill wants Ben to wear a kilt but the only way he will do it is if Fill wears one too. Ha ha, my sides! Also thanks a lot for making us have to look at Fill’s knees, you bastards.

Everyone else knows and is at church and while they are waiting for the wedding to start, Aussie strumpet SJ and Minty run off to a park to drink extra strong cider like tramps. Minty fantasises about having a big house full of kids and SJ fantasises about having a big fridge full of over-oaked Australian Chardonnay. Hmm, perhaps they are not compatible but it is v hard to say. More clues please writers! When they get back to the wedding they are pissed and AGarry and Naomi (now promoted to “Agarry’s sidekick”) glare at them disapprovingly.

When Phoney gets to the church she first is all delighted but then doesn’t want get married as (a) she is all superstitious and shit and (b) is hella annoying. Babs is cross but eventually Billy gets Phoney to change her mind and the wedding it is on!!

Oh god. Please do not try and comedy EE, unless you are trying to give me an aneurysm on purpose. The wedding is full of lame comedy schtick, with Phoney bossing the vicar around and Ben making humorous “whatever next eh?” type faces. Phoney starts having contractions and then her waters break right after they are married. What are the chances? While they rush off to hospital there is various other plottery going on. Drunken hussy SJ tries to look up Fill’s skirt, as presumably she wants a quick and effective emetic. Agarry tells SJ that she is a no-good madame who is ripping Minty off and never gets a round in. She runs off crying so Minty makes Agarry apologise, only he won’t so Minty says he is moving out. Gasp – the longest standing couple on the soap split up at last! Minty wants to move in with SJ but she says there is no room both for him and the hunky shirtless “brother”. Oh Minty, you are such a sucker.

Phoney’s aunty Una Stubbs is also at the wedding and is having man trouble – the man apparently isn’t very communicative – well what do you expect if you keep expecting to communicate via the medium of charades? Eh? Eh? Babs learns an important lesson from this bollocks and goes and tells David Wessex about her breast cancer and bionic tits etc. Then they totally do it, but hide it from Fill as he is such a Freudian headcase and will probably get jealous or something.

At the hospital there is more comedy as Phoney doesn’t want to give birth (as her mother died in childbirth) and keeps being mean to the long suffering midwife. She locks herself in a room and the midwife does not take the opportunity to have the doorway quickly bricked up like I would have done. Billy talks her down and then there is a long sequence of birthgiving comedy clichés – probably all ripped off from Friends repeats on C4 – Phoney doesn’t want drugs but then she does! Someone sees the umbilical cord and thinks it is a giant cock, Billy sees the um, business end of Phoney during the birth and faints, Phoney keeps saying “epidoodle” instead of epidural and whoever came up with the joke is so pleased with it that is repeated about 300 times. In the end, the baby she is born and Billy and Phoney coo over her and say things like “She’s perfect! she’s the best baby ever! Nothing wrong with this baby, nosiree!” while the midwife runs outside, flattens herself against the wall and makes a hilariously OTT agonised face. So so subtle.

Next day, Phoney and Billy get the sad news that the baby has Downs Syndrome – and now the program actually starts getting good. The medical staff offer them counselling and leaflets etc while Billy and Phoney start with the stages of anger and denial. They blame each other for having malfunctioning reproductive parts and then blame the medical staff. Billy goes to get a coffee and spends too long outside so Phoney has a go at him for that. She has trouble breast feeding and refuses to go to a new mum’s coffee morning as she is too ashamed. She says that she doesn’t want to keep the baby and won’t be able to cope etc etc

Babs shows up with David Wessex, Dot and Pat. They are all cooing over the baby when Goddess Pat makes an “ohs noes” face. She has guessed, it seems. The others take photos and prattle on until the baby is taken away for tests and they all bugger off too. Pat corners Billy by the nursery/cot farm thing and says that she knows the truth – she tells a sad story about a family she knew who had a Downs child and put her into a home as they couldn’t cope and that Billy and Phoney need to love their baby and look after her. (It will probably turn out that this was Pat’s daughter or sister or something for added drama) Excellent work from Pat and Billy in this scene, and Phoney (who normally irritates the hell out of me) is pretty good too now all the non-comedy has finished. They also do a really good job of capturing the weird awkward atmosphere between Billy and Phoney. Anyway, Billy goes back and repeats what Pat said. Phoney is all “yeah whatever… we’ll see” and the week ends with them sitting in silence.

DADLEY DO-RIGHT
I really really don't want to blog this week, and you all know why.

Soap women are either barren or so ridiculously fertile that all they have to do is stand in the same room as a Mitchell and paf! the bun is in the oven. Baking this week is JoJo, who's snapping everybody's head off, scowling and shouting NOOOOO! every time somebody mentions babies. I think it's the NOOOO! thing that arouses Davetta's suspicion. BroJo (hmmm...not bad. Bit Hollyoaks for my taste) finds out and gets curiously Victorian with Bradley, wanting to know his prospects and intentions towards his sister. I suppose this is completely in keeping with somebody who buggered off to Bosnia nine years ago, leaving his little sister to cope with her mad mother on her tod. Yep, I can believe that one, scriptwriters.

Bradley says he doesn't want to be a Dadley just yet, so could JoJo please do the sensible thing and get rid of it, please? Dadley suddenly turns from errant father into the Holy Pontiff (actually, I've seen it happen the other way...) and tells Bradley that he wanted Mumley to have an abortion at first, but then he saw Bradley's little ginger head and instantly fell in love with him. Bradley points out that he was so in love that he buggered off when Bradley was six, so way to go with the parental example, eh? Dadley says that the foetus is a human being, with blood and veins and little fingers and toes. Bradley, has enough of a grasp of elementary biology to ignore that argument and usher JoJo into the cab. I'm not quite sure how they manage to book a private abortion in under 24 hours without seeing a doctor (is Doktor Boden-Shirt back now that NotThatCute Doctor has run off?), having counselling or doing a proper pregnancy test, but JoJo is booked into the clinic and in that operation gown before you can say "morning sickness". The actors do the best they can with very dodgy material and the upshot is that JoJo tells everyone that she had a miscarriage, therefore still can't cope with baby stuff, and runs away every time she sees Phoney advancing on her, brandishing a newborn sleepsuit. And she can't stand the sight of Bradley. Bradley: sad.

Elsewhere Babs takes it upon herself to organise a 'surprise' wedding for Billy and Phoney because the other two attempts were so damn successful. But it does give the superfluous members of the cast something to do, I suppose. NotDavid Essex turns up and seems more interested in getting Babs alone among the optics than celebrating his daughter's wedding. There are non-comedy shenans when Phoney sells her wedding dress to Mo in order to buy an overpriced moses basket. Honestly love, John Lewis do them cheaper, and you can always put the kid in a drawer instead.

Kissing Syd the NotBrother takes SJ's special wedding outfit money off her to put on the 3.30 at Wincanton, which romps home. Meanwhile SJ wheedles more outfit money out of Minty. AGarry finds out about Syd's betting shop-related deception and scowls self-righteously.

Web of Deceit no. MCXXIV, Ian lies to PantoJane about going to the pub to meet Beardy on WWTF business. PantoJane's worried because he's supposed to be taking the kids swimming, and they're starting to do that staring thing and her head feels strangely hot. Beardy tells Ian that the post of Treasurer of the WTF Trust is up for grabs, and it will mean that Ian gets first pick at the annual wife-swapping party, and a key to the executive toilets. Ian passes up the job and runs home to the kids before PJane's head explodes.

Apparently BroJo tries it on with Nurse Tanyah at Bradley's disastrous birthday party. Nurse Tanyah tells Dadley and says that nothing happened. But BroJo decides that he's going to wreck Dadley's life because...umm...well... he's Bradley's Dadley and Bradley has upset JoJo...grrr. BroJo taunts Dadley about kissing Nurse Tanyah and Dadley gets all grr smash. Nurse Tanyah: cross. Dadley: sad. BroJo: smirky.

There are basically three plot lines to deal with this week and here they are – presented in order of descending ridiculousness/annoyingness

WHOOPS VICAR, PANTOJANE STOLE MY TROUSERS!!
First we have a ludicrous attempt at a farce which makes me feel a little bit embarrassed for all involved. Ian and GADawn bicker a bit about GAD’s latest credit card bill and set off to the WWTF hotel conference thing while Jane is left to clean a deep fat fryer with a toothbrush while simultaneously looking after Ian’s infernal legion of kids. The conference is in some fancy pants hotel/golf club type thing and as soon as Ian and GADawn arrive they bump into Smarmy Metrosexual, Mr Beardy and Mrs Beardy, who is played by that red headed lady off Holby City and numerous other TV dramas. I normally quite like her but she is a bit rubbish in this, perhaps due to the appalling part she is landed with. Anyway, they immediately start on this bizarre innuendo laden conversation which makes me think Ian is going to be dragged into a sordid wife swapping ring or something. Mrs Beardy makes sarky remarks about GADawn’s age and keeps spotting her canoodling with Smarmy and pursing her lips disapprovingly.

They agree to play golf and Ian puts on ridiculous orange plus fours/argyle type combo that makes him look like an Edwardian easyjet employee or something. Cue lots of scenes of Smarmy groping GADawn’s arse while “adjusting her swing” etc and of Mrs Beardy noticing and pursing her lips etc. Ian is really smarmy and obsequious and loses on purpose to get in Beardy’s good books (and pants probably too, they way they are carrying on). They then go off to get ready for dinner and Ian tells GADawn off for being a slut and flirting with Smarmy all the time.

Meanwhile PantoJane decides to go and surprise Ian for dinner at the hotel – of ocurse, she arrives just as Ian is giving his speech and thanking his lovely wife Jane. Gadawn has the grace to look totally embarrassed and just wants to get out of there but Jane makes her stay and inexplicably goes along with Ian’s lie and says that she is Ian’s live in nanny and that Ian and Dawn treat her like dirt, even though Jane is also boning Ian in some sort of bizarre three way type dealy. Smarmy, Beardy and Mrs Beardy are shocked and appalled, yet also totally turned on, by these shock revelations. Smarmy begs Dawn to leave Ian and Mrs Beardy tries to jump Ian’s bones – they then have to hide in a cupboard when Mr Beardy goes into Ian’s room and nearly catches them. Meanwhile Jane can’t find Ian and goes on a pointless rampage round the grounds looking for him in a golf cart, crashing into stuff and making non-comedy faces while various golfers and staff shake their fists and say “I say!” I am only surprised they don’t include a shot of her crashing into a fully laden fruit cart. Jane has a mini catfight with Dawn where they basically insult each other’s hair and then finds Ian and Mrs Beardy in the cupboard. She stomps off and takes the car and Ian runs after her in a cab. Smarmy takes Dawn home and finds out that she is really GADawn – he decides that he still likes her, even if she is a no good broad with the morals of an alley cat.

Pat appears for no reason so as to give Jane someone to talk to. Jane is all upset and says she can’t believe she dumped Grant to be put in this situation. Pat is all common sensey etc and begs Jane not to tell Ian about Grant to get back at him. Ian gets home and snivels at Jane and talks her into staying. Phew, I’m glad that is all over with – until of course Ian does find out about Jane/Grant.

JO JO JR?
In other news, JoJo and Davetta get back from their holiday and are not getting on well, as apparently JoJo had a personality change half way through and turned into a moody cow. Charlie does his usual “There’s something you’re not telling me! I’m just worried about my gels!” routine and begs for JoJo to talk to someone about it. Jojo wants to talk to Bradley but he rushes off on a training course. Meanwhile Davetta gets her A Level results and has done alright considering all the soap shenanigans she has gone through in the last year. She wanders round on her own and flirts with mystery blond bloke and Lee, who tells her she is too young and to leave it out. Double meanwhile, JoJo wees on a magic stick and gasp, non-shock, non-horror – turns out to be pregnant. Wow, that’s an original storyline for a teen female character, though at least this time we actually know that JoJo has been Doing It, unlike when Vickney was miraculously knocked up by someone whom she never even spoke to…

SHAUN OF THE DEAD SEXY
Mystery blond bloke is a security guard who used to be in the army and now lives in Pat/Juhneen’s Dreary Bedsit. He has the odd drink in the Vic and then lies alone in said Dreary Bedsit fondling a large claw hammer. WTF?? The claw hammer/dreary psycho inducing wallpaper combo make me think he is going to be a serial killer or something and I was actually quite intrigued by this storyline as it had not been splattered over the front of the supermarket magazines for weeks on end, for once.

Yet another new mystery bloke turns up in the square and – yes, we all knew this was coming – it is JoJo’s long lost brother Shaun, who is quite HOTT, though we haven’t seen much of his acting yet other than “activate glower” and “sneer” etc. He is looking for MBB but is surprised to run into JoJo in the Vic instead. JoJo thinks he is looking for her and drags him back home for tea and biccies – it turns out he ran away without trace after their dad died, never contacted them again and joined the army. When it turns out that he isn’t actually looking for Jojo, she is sad etc. Shaun (BroJo?) has a quick go at Charlie for not looking after JoJo right after the dad died and while JoJo Ma was all mental etc and then sneaks off with some rope and gaffer tape for a session of gay bondage with his ex boyfriend Mystery Blond Bloke.

Oh not really – they have a Dramatic Confrontation instead. Sigh. It turns out they were in the army together in Iraq and MBB accidentally on purpose shot BroJo because he thought BroJo was knocking off his bird. Bro Jo is back to wreak revenge but MBB grabs his hammer to defend himself. BroJo headbutts him, ties him up and drives him off in the boot of MBB’s car – MBB wakes to find himself hanging upside down from a building site or something but then BroJo can’t go through with his revenge because he doesn’t want to go to prison now he has a good part in a soap rediscovered his family. He tells MBB to sling his hook, lets him go and then returns to chat with JoJo about her pregnancy. Hurrah for having a new sexy male actor on the show. Boo for Jojo being preggers though.