There are basically three plot lines to deal with this week and here they are – presented in order of descending ridiculousness/annoyingness

WHOOPS VICAR, PANTOJANE STOLE MY TROUSERS!!
First we have a ludicrous attempt at a farce which makes me feel a little bit embarrassed for all involved. Ian and GADawn bicker a bit about GAD’s latest credit card bill and set off to the WWTF hotel conference thing while Jane is left to clean a deep fat fryer with a toothbrush while simultaneously looking after Ian’s infernal legion of kids. The conference is in some fancy pants hotel/golf club type thing and as soon as Ian and GADawn arrive they bump into Smarmy Metrosexual, Mr Beardy and Mrs Beardy, who is played by that red headed lady off Holby City and numerous other TV dramas. I normally quite like her but she is a bit rubbish in this, perhaps due to the appalling part she is landed with. Anyway, they immediately start on this bizarre innuendo laden conversation which makes me think Ian is going to be dragged into a sordid wife swapping ring or something. Mrs Beardy makes sarky remarks about GADawn’s age and keeps spotting her canoodling with Smarmy and pursing her lips disapprovingly.

They agree to play golf and Ian puts on ridiculous orange plus fours/argyle type combo that makes him look like an Edwardian easyjet employee or something. Cue lots of scenes of Smarmy groping GADawn’s arse while “adjusting her swing” etc and of Mrs Beardy noticing and pursing her lips etc. Ian is really smarmy and obsequious and loses on purpose to get in Beardy’s good books (and pants probably too, they way they are carrying on). They then go off to get ready for dinner and Ian tells GADawn off for being a slut and flirting with Smarmy all the time.

Meanwhile PantoJane decides to go and surprise Ian for dinner at the hotel – of ocurse, she arrives just as Ian is giving his speech and thanking his lovely wife Jane. Gadawn has the grace to look totally embarrassed and just wants to get out of there but Jane makes her stay and inexplicably goes along with Ian’s lie and says that she is Ian’s live in nanny and that Ian and Dawn treat her like dirt, even though Jane is also boning Ian in some sort of bizarre three way type dealy. Smarmy, Beardy and Mrs Beardy are shocked and appalled, yet also totally turned on, by these shock revelations. Smarmy begs Dawn to leave Ian and Mrs Beardy tries to jump Ian’s bones – they then have to hide in a cupboard when Mr Beardy goes into Ian’s room and nearly catches them. Meanwhile Jane can’t find Ian and goes on a pointless rampage round the grounds looking for him in a golf cart, crashing into stuff and making non-comedy faces while various golfers and staff shake their fists and say “I say!” I am only surprised they don’t include a shot of her crashing into a fully laden fruit cart. Jane has a mini catfight with Dawn where they basically insult each other’s hair and then finds Ian and Mrs Beardy in the cupboard. She stomps off and takes the car and Ian runs after her in a cab. Smarmy takes Dawn home and finds out that she is really GADawn – he decides that he still likes her, even if she is a no good broad with the morals of an alley cat.

Pat appears for no reason so as to give Jane someone to talk to. Jane is all upset and says she can’t believe she dumped Grant to be put in this situation. Pat is all common sensey etc and begs Jane not to tell Ian about Grant to get back at him. Ian gets home and snivels at Jane and talks her into staying. Phew, I’m glad that is all over with – until of course Ian does find out about Jane/Grant.

JO JO JR?
In other news, JoJo and Davetta get back from their holiday and are not getting on well, as apparently JoJo had a personality change half way through and turned into a moody cow. Charlie does his usual “There’s something you’re not telling me! I’m just worried about my gels!” routine and begs for JoJo to talk to someone about it. Jojo wants to talk to Bradley but he rushes off on a training course. Meanwhile Davetta gets her A Level results and has done alright considering all the soap shenanigans she has gone through in the last year. She wanders round on her own and flirts with mystery blond bloke and Lee, who tells her she is too young and to leave it out. Double meanwhile, JoJo wees on a magic stick and gasp, non-shock, non-horror – turns out to be pregnant. Wow, that’s an original storyline for a teen female character, though at least this time we actually know that JoJo has been Doing It, unlike when Vickney was miraculously knocked up by someone whom she never even spoke to…

SHAUN OF THE DEAD SEXY
Mystery blond bloke is a security guard who used to be in the army and now lives in Pat/Juhneen’s Dreary Bedsit. He has the odd drink in the Vic and then lies alone in said Dreary Bedsit fondling a large claw hammer. WTF?? The claw hammer/dreary psycho inducing wallpaper combo make me think he is going to be a serial killer or something and I was actually quite intrigued by this storyline as it had not been splattered over the front of the supermarket magazines for weeks on end, for once.

Yet another new mystery bloke turns up in the square and – yes, we all knew this was coming – it is JoJo’s long lost brother Shaun, who is quite HOTT, though we haven’t seen much of his acting yet other than “activate glower” and “sneer” etc. He is looking for MBB but is surprised to run into JoJo in the Vic instead. JoJo thinks he is looking for her and drags him back home for tea and biccies – it turns out he ran away without trace after their dad died, never contacted them again and joined the army. When it turns out that he isn’t actually looking for Jojo, she is sad etc. Shaun (BroJo?) has a quick go at Charlie for not looking after JoJo right after the dad died and while JoJo Ma was all mental etc and then sneaks off with some rope and gaffer tape for a session of gay bondage with his ex boyfriend Mystery Blond Bloke.

Oh not really – they have a Dramatic Confrontation instead. Sigh. It turns out they were in the army together in Iraq and MBB accidentally on purpose shot BroJo because he thought BroJo was knocking off his bird. Bro Jo is back to wreak revenge but MBB grabs his hammer to defend himself. BroJo headbutts him, ties him up and drives him off in the boot of MBB’s car – MBB wakes to find himself hanging upside down from a building site or something but then BroJo can’t go through with his revenge because he doesn’t want to go to prison now he has a good part in a soap rediscovered his family. He tells MBB to sling his hook, lets him go and then returns to chat with JoJo about her pregnancy. Hurrah for having a new sexy male actor on the show. Boo for Jojo being preggers though.

SUPERPOLINEMOOMINTASTICEXMEETSDADLEYDOCIOUS

Bradley is all packed up and ready to go and sleep under his desk in the Twilight Zone, Jim won’t let him back until he gets an honest job running a stall in the market or working at the bookies. Dadley finds out and asks NoAngel if Bradley can move in with them. NoAngel tells him to ask the girls.

Dadley: “Girls, can Bradley come and live with us?”
Girl 1: “Only if we can have a pony EACH, a Nintendo DS with that sappy game about growing tulips and stroking puppies EACH, all the Turkey Twizzlers we can eat, and a cashnolimit makeover session in Claire’s Accessories
Dadley: “OK”
Girl 2: “And I want my ears pierced.”

In the end, he doesn't need to bother because EE seems to be experimenting with the Para Plot Device – parachuting in an ex or long lost rellie for a week or two and building a crisis around it, before ex/ll rellie gets shipped back to jail or Brazil or in this case…Tring.

Jim flies in Bradley’s Mum, whose name is Rachel, but we’ll call her Mumley. Mumley is sooo totally over Dadley, even though she was abandoned in the prime of her life, and has since lived in a darkened room with only Bradley and her Kate Bush collection for company, occasionally shouting “Dadley is a BASTARD” at the void. Mumley decides to stick around and wreak revenge on NoAngel for ruining her life. This apparently means making snarky comments about marriage-wrecking whores every five minutes, getting drunk at NoAngel’s brown salon opening, starting a fight and then trying to cop off with Dadley by the arches. Dadley says he doesn’t want to hurt either Mumley or NoAngel, but Mumley runs off and pretends that she and Dadley had a minute of passion among the used carburettors, which is all the proof you need that Dadley is a BASTARD and Bradley should check out prices of season tickets from Hertfordshire. Bradley says no and packs Mumley off home on her own. That’s a pity. Mumley had potential as the bitch-from-hell ex living across the road with her father-in-law.

Minty runs around after SJ, fixing her shelves and making sucky noises on the phone, prompting much musing from his flatmates on the nature of love and what the Australians ever did for us. Naomi tries to cheer up Agarry, who says that he has lost all interest in women since Sullen left him. He perks up after Naomi offers to show him her baps, but then she runs off on a date before he can take her up on it. A “blind” (ie it’s dark) dating session with Lee sees AG pretending to be Michael Caine in Zulu, but the only woman who sticks around for longer than five seconds is Carly. Time for another tedious love triangle, methinks. I thought the point of going to these things was to meet new people…

Meanwhile, Minty finds SJ naked in a room with the Sid the SydneyBrother and stomps off in a great huff of hurtiness. SJ explains that Sid got mugged and had to strip naked and then suddenly all her clothes fell off. Minty believes her, the big stupid bear, but as soon as he goes, up jumps Sid from behind the sofa – or a pouffe or from under the kitchen table: how he manages to find somewhere to hide in a flat that tiny – and starts snogging SJ. So, are we talking incest? Sister-swapping? He’s her secret Aussie husband but she’s stringing Minty along on a sinister immigration marriage scam? Is this the end of Minty and his superfluous presence on the cast list?

Moominwars update. Oh boy. Poline invokes Mary Poppins, the Demon Queen of Childcare, and gets an extra seat at the theatre so that Moomin can’t babysit the Moominchild. Joe finds a picture that the Moominchild drew of her freakish family that shows Moomin the NotMummy, Mmartin the NotDaddy, NotGranny Poline the Empress of Evil, Straight Pike and AdoptoGran. But no sign of the dead AdoptoParents. Hmm… The picture is imbued with Active Moomin Powers, and in the end Poline says that Moomin isn’t allowed to set foot in the house, speak to her or Straight Pike, and can only communicate to MMartin using semaphore or French sign language, but she can have access to Moominchild, as long as Moominchild wears gloves at all times to prevent contamination by a Dirty Jackson.

In other news: Mrs Goggins bullies Chelski into getting a job at the salon. Little Ben runs about playing tricks on his dad, conning one of the Dadley children into sticking her head through the railings, and water bombing the other Dadley child, sparking off a riot in the market and messing up GADawn’s hair. Everybody seems to think this crime spree is cute, but I say slap an ASBO on the little bugger it’s too late. Chelski keeps chatting up some mystery blonde bloke who doesn't say much and is about as charming as a cervical smear test. I believe he may be Important For Later.

PO FACED KILLAH
Poline has passed the boundaries of sour faced ness and is now a full-on raging harridan. She spends all of Monday following Mmartin around, henpecking him, telling him that if he eats anything that he’ll spoil his tea, gloating about that dirty Jackson Moomin and poisoning Chloebecca’s mind against her. In the end Mmartin turns round and calls her an “evil bitch” and tells her to shut up! Wow – go Martin! Poline is all “how very dare you!” but Martin puts his foot down and says that if she doesn’t stop being so hateful she will lose everything. Everything! ( apart from Straight Pike, whom she is welcome to keep). Next day, Mmartin decides to grow a spine and let Moomin have Chloebecca for the day. Chloebecca is all “Granny Poline says that you are no better than you ought to be and that everything you touch rots and dies!” Moomin is sad but perseveres and plays with her and Gus until the brainwashing starts to lose its effects, but then Poline shows up and takes Chloebecca away and says that Moomin is an evil drunken trollop etc etc. Moomin: sadder.

Next day Moomin has to see her tutor about a placement at A&E or something. Pity the accident victims of Walford Borough. The nurse lady says that Moomin has got the placement but that everyone has noticed that has been acting all crazy lately and that she needs to check herself before she wrecks herself. Or something. Moomin goes home and promptly dumps St Gus – after all, when you’re trying to get over a week of alcoholism and sexual identity confusion then the last thing you need is a supportive, kind boyfriend. Gus is sad.

Mrs Goggins is still a bit antsy after Spandau-gate last week and won’t let @@@ go out on her own. Chelski rolls her eyes a lot. St Gus chats to @@@ about her school poetry project and kerr-rash - we have an instant crush, complete with @@@ gazing moonily at Gus in the caff and lurking on losers bench and peering at him through shrubbery. Pls don’t boil Wellard in a big pot @@@, thanks. Chelski unsuccessfully tries to cop off with some blond bloke I have never seen before and also decides to apply for a job at Tanyah’s Hall of Head Spraying.

Minty/Agarry/SJ – oh is SJ a cheating slut, oh no it’s all a misunderstanding part XXXVVVIII. Minty spots SJ with a bronzed hunk on the doorstep of her shag pad and is jealous for a bit, but then it turns out that it’s only SJ’s brother. Before long she’ll have the entire staff of Walford’s branch of Walkabout living in there. Mark my words.

Ian gets a credit card statement for £300 from the hooky card that GA Dawn ordered and is angry. He makes her cut up the card and tells her to never darken the Bealemeister name again. Of course next day he has to go grovelling back to her as he has been invited to some dull WTF function and needs a fake wife to take along. GADawn agrees for £££ and then goes to see Smarmy Metrosexual to take out a new card anyway. Minx.

Mickney thinks that Nurse Tanyah fancies him, but she doesn’t, surprise surprise. Meanwhile Dot and Jim bond with the Tanyettes and take them to the zoo etc. Bradley brings his work colleagues to the Vic (including one colleague with a speaking part and two mute ones who make up the numbers). They are all dicks and try to cop off with GADawn and take the piss out of Bradley. Dadley is cross and goes “Grr smash” with Speaking-Colleague. Speaking–Colleague mocks Bradley even more – there are even scenes of Bradley being mocked at work in an office set and everything. Colleague makes all these “hilarious” animated GIF things of Bradley’s head on a baby’s body – I bet he is the type of colleague who sends loads of shit joke emails that you’ve already seen about a million times and spent about three days at work making comical Zidane headbut animations. A boss bloke comes up with a cheesy contest where both Bradley and Speaking-Colleague have to compete for the same PA job. Dadley says that Bradley should stop at NOTHING, NOTHING I SAY to get the job so Bradley lures Colleague out to the boating lake near the Swings of Contemplation and shoots him like in godfather2. Not really – he just gets Colleague fired by sending a dodgy email to everyone from Colleagues’s PC, though he probably would have got the job anyway with his dull homilies etc. When Jim finds out he thinks that Bradley has gone over to the dark side and throws him out for being a cheat. Um yes Jim, who spends his entire life lying to Dot so he can gamble and carouse etc.

ANOTHER SHODDY CRIB ALERT!
Sorry, but it's late, I've been busy, and I 've only just got my laptop up and running again. So here's the shoddy crib from the BBC site

Monday
Chelsea implores Denise not to flee Walford. Martin receives a surprise birthday gift

Why not leave Walford Chelski? You're more likely to find a flat with a working washing machine, and there will be jobs galore outside the force field that zaps anybody who goes up the stairs to the tube station, I promise. Anyway, Mrs Goggins is all confused. She loves Spandau, she doesn't love Spandau. Chelski walks in on them kissing and throws a wobbler. @@@ almost smiles - but I think that's the thought of Chelski getting together with Beano the loser. Anyway, they're staying.

MMartin turned 21 at the weekend. Blimey, I remember when Poline was pregnant and wearing extra large cardigans and Arfur was contemplating the Christmas club money with a gleam in his eye. Poline keeps badgering him about the post, and it turns out that she put Arfur's compensation money into a trust fund for him when he turned 21. Having said that, if she had spent it on keeping him out of jail, he might not have ended up fathering a child in his teens, killing someone and marrying an on-off lesbian while still living with his mother. Just a thought.

Dot discovers that Jim was a mean drunken oaf and was particularly mean to Dadley. Poor Dadley.

Tuesday
Denise is terrified when Squiggle goes missing. Jake and Carly discover their sexual chemistry.

Ew, ew, and thrice EW! I'd hate to be the cleaner at that night club. Just imagine the emissions you'd be cleaning up in the office every other night. So, Lee and Carly do it in front of Tony Bennet's video screens. Carly: slightly guilty because she hasn't quite split up with MMartin or something.

Ian doesn't want Dawn to be the barmaid when he takes his new Masonic mates out for a drink, so GADawn meets up with Slimy Metrosexual instead. If this was The Archers, he'd turn out to be a cad and a bounder who frightens Tom's pigs and sells crack to Ed Grundy. As it's EastEnders, he'll probably be a posh gangster type who will pull GADawn into the murky world of corporate finance and polo match fixing. Like I care.

@@@ is still having problems with the old dad beating up mum not being a good thing, er, thing. She runs off and Spandau tries to convince her to go to her nan's in Spain and then shouts at her when she wonders if that's a good idea. Parklife finds her sobbing in a corner and takes her home.

Jim/Dadley: still not speaking.

Thursday
Owen's desperate to make amends with Squiggle. Pauline catches Carly in a compromising position.

Spandau's sleeping in a skip. St Gus pulls him out and tells him to stop making the place look untidy. Mrs Goggins is snappy, but somehow Parklife notices that she's on edge. What's she doing, throwing knives at him? Anyway, Parklife rudely awakens Spandau with a left hook and they fight like girls for a bit until Lee breaks them up and hauls Spandau back to the club for a change of clothes and fresh vodka. Meanwhile Parklife screws up changing the Gogginses' locks and whisks the girls over to The Wicks Temple of Truth and Beauty for safety. Spandau finds@@@ but she screams and drops her keys. Spandau twirls his moustache and lets himself into the flat, where he eavesdrops on Mrs G and Parklife. Mrs G says that Spandau is a drunken loser who isn't going to beat her up any more.

Carly tells GADawn about Lee and GADawn goes: "ewwwww! No, not him. He was in The Office and was mean to The Divine Lucy Davis". Poline catches Carly at it with Lee in the club and looks sour. Or maybe that's her usual look.

Mrs Goggins asks Parklife to leave her alone, and then tells Spandau to come out from wherever he's hiding.

Friday
Owen can't contain his anger when Denise delivers a few home truths. Martin's birthday hopes are dashed.

You'd think he'd be used to wave upon wave of blistering invective, but Spandau definitely don't need this pressure on and to cut a long story short tries to throttle Mrs Goggins. Parklife has set up some weirdly complicated phone ringing code that even a vodka-sodden, punch drunk soak can work out, so it's nearly too late when @@@ discovers that she's lost her keys and Parklife dashes to the rescue.

Meanwhile MMartin's birthday starts off OK, and he even lets Moomin and St Gus in to spread the love around or whatever. Well, too much love is spreading around the club, and Lee soon disappears with Carly. GADawn also mentions to MMartin's friends that Carly might have organised the party, but MMartin is still very dumped. MMartin: sad. Moomin: refusing to activate powers just yet...

SPANDAU BULLY
Sorry that this is (a) late and (b) shit – I went on holiday for few days and didn’t get to watch much of it last week.

SJ reappears from the plot cupboard and starts sniffing round Minty again – Minty acts all offended that she stood him up but forgives her as soon as she flutters her eyelashes and offers to put another shrimp on the barbie or whatever. AGarry rolls his eyes and then rolls them even harder when it turns out that she is homeless and needs a place to stay - Minty says she can stay with him, AGarry and Naomi. Later on SJ, the flaming galah, breaks Naomi’s bottle of shampoo – yes Naomi, that is the quality of plots you will be getting now that Moomin is finished with you. AGarry and Naomi tell Minty to get rid of her, so he pays for a bedsit for her, the big lunk.

Dot gets back from HMP Lakeland Plastics and is in a bad mood but won’t say why. I pray to God and the Little Baby Jesus that Nasty Nick is dead and we won’t have to put up with his terrible acting any more. She stomps off to the laundrette and meets Nurse Tanyah, whose washing machine has broken down (no washing machines work in walford –it’s like the twilight zone!) and who introduces herself as Mrs Branning – gosh gasp!! Dot has a dramatic confrontation with Jim -she gets him to confess about Dadley and she confesses that Nick didn’t want to see her any more once she was better. Damn – so not dead then. The rest of the week is spent with the various family members warily circling each other and trying to arrange a meal, only Jim stomps off at the last minute.

Nurse Tanyah hires Straight Pike, Prison Bitch Bert and Mickney to fit out her hair patting emporium. Mickney breaks something and Bert gets the blame, so Bert tricks Mickney into a freak spray tan disaster like Ross in that episode of Friends – oh my sides they do splitteth.

Davetta is sad that JoJo spends all her time boning Bradley and won’t come over and play with My Little Ponies or whatever it is that teenage girls do nowadays. She orders Lee to give her £2,000 from the club takings so she can pay for a holiday for her and JoJo – apparently it would be too hard to like, book a holiday and get a cheque to pay it or something. Sigh. Davetta stomps around like a little madame, waving her wad of cash around. At first JoJo is happy to go on holiday but then Bradley wants to horn in too and pay for himself to go with them. Davetta: “Why does that ginger bastard have to spoil anything!” Jojo: “Keep your stinking cash then, bitch!”

Davetta goes to the club to put the money back, unaware that shadowy forces are massing against her!! Spand-owen is lurking around on Losers Bench, rocking back and forth! Skint unemployed debt ridden Juley is lurking around wearing a HOODY!!! Professor Plum is hiding by the swings wielding a candlestick etc etc. As Davetta is leaving the club, someone grabs the money and pushes her away so she falls down and bangs her head a bit. Ahem – this is hardly the “Davetta is left for dead oh noes!!” storyline as promised by the soap mags. She is fine of course. When Jojo hears about it she grasses Juley up to the filth. Jojo and Davetta and Bradley all row and fall out and then make up. St Gus finds the money in Juley’s knicker drawer and Juley is so ashamed that he runs off to join the French foreign legion. Buh Bye Juley, you won’t be missed – even though you did stop being a gangsta and saying things like “shizzle on the nizzle” that made no sense. You now leave Naomi, Beano and Prison Bitch Bert battling for the title of “most pointless character in EE”…

Spand-Owen finally drags his sorry arse off Losers Bench and announces that he is moving back to Walford for good. @@@: Happy. Parklife, Chelski: Sad. Mrs Goggins: Ambivalent. Parklife and Mrs Goggins are STILL poncing around with their on/off relationship tedium. Now Parklife is all for it but Mrs Goggins is filled with doubt re Spand-owen. Perhaps her klingon half is taking over or something (I am surely not the only one who thinks she looks like a klingon? Anyone? Bueller?). It doesn’t help that that little hussy @@@ uses her powers for evil and tries to sabotage Parklife/Mrs G and encourage Spand-owen/Mrs G.

Mrs Goggins gets Spand-Owen over for a serious chat and he says that he is a changed man, has stopped drinking, will be a good father to @@@ etc etc etc. Mrs Goggins has a complete personality change for plot reasons moment of weakness and sleeps with him. Doh! Next day Mrs Goggins understandably wants to keep everything quiet but evil bad mean Spand-owen instantly skips off to tell Chelski and Parklife. Parklife hits the bottle and Chelski has a row with Mrs G which results in slappage. Mrs Goggins has a dramatic confrontation with spand-owen who reveals that he is still on the booze and it was all a tissue of lies. Mrs G tells him to get aht, but Spand–owen don’t need that pressure on and punches her in the face. Boo!

SCARAMOUCHE SCARAMOUCHE WILL YOU DO THE PHONEY-DANGO!
St Gus is alternately wondering where his halo has gone and checking his moby for Moomintexts. Juley, in the meantime is sad about being poor and useless. He takes the cleaning job at the Vic. Fill smiles and says he has blocked the toilets specially for him. Davetta laughs when she sees him wearing Marigolds and Juley makes a snarky comment about trustafarian brats living off Daddy's ill-gotten gains. Davetta: sad. JoJo decides to cheer her up with a night "up West", consigning Bradley to an evening with a DVD and a pizza.

There was a movement in the 70s and 80s where radical feminists encouraged straight women to embrace lesbianism in order to shake of the shackles of the patriarchy. Personally I just saw it as another cheesy chat up line (I wore my hair very short in those days), but political lesbianism the only explanation I can come up with for Moomin's sexuality see-saw. Moomin sees MMartin snogging Carly at the stall and decides to become a visible ex-lesbian with St Gus in front of MMartin. A nation yawns and tells her to make up her bloody mind.

Dadley keeps getting naughty texts from That Tart. Nurse Tanyah pretends not to hear anything and witters about getting Jason the interior designer to price up the refurbishment of the nailbar. Bradley announces that he has no father. Dadley: sad.

Parklife realises that confidence is the preference of those that pursue Mrs Goggins, and treats her to a picnic in the park. Mrs Goggins doesn't shout, so I think that means she approves. @@@ doesn't though, and says he's too ugly to be her new stepdad. Parklife tries to win @@@ round with her favourite meal and a feminist textbook so that she can look up "tool of the patriarchy" at her leisure. @@@: not impressed.

Moomin discovers that Bradley is sad about being left home alone while JoJo and Davetta party. There must be something in St Gus's saliva because Moomin feels a strangely familiar stirring and suddenly: MOOMIN POWERS ACTIVATE! She persuades Bradley to go and make up with Dadley, and then celebrates by rogering St Gus senseless.

A sultry temptress type is slinking around the market, flicking her tempting locks and asking where the Brannings live. Yes, it's That Tart, who would be called That Scots Tart, but I can't be bothered with that, so we'll call her McTart instead. Dadley finds her slinking around the Vic and tells her that it's ovah. McTart won't take no for an answer. Dadley is about to shout at her some more when Bradley walks in, full of good intentions. Dadley introduces McTart as a client who he is definitely not sleeping with. Bradley blushes pink and says: "yeah right. I have no father...etc"

NotDavid Essex and Aunt Sally turn up to hand Phoney over to the Mitchells in a naked ceremony involving shrieking, curses and invocations to The Horned One. It's another church do then. NotDavid tells Billy that if he doesn't look after Phoney, he'll find out what fox hunting is really like from the sharp end, and NotDavid will string him up by his nipples like Richard Harris in A Man Called Horse. Meanwhile Phoney celebrates her hen night with Aunt Sally and Babs, who tell her that marriage is nothing but a eternal circle of lies, cheating and raising other womens' children. Phoney retires to bed. Hang on, how can she possibly be eight months gone and still able to sleep on her back?

Moomin gets drunk (I dunno, probably some Moominchild-related incident that I missed). Fill tells her that Jaymee is looking down from heaven and shaking his head in sorrow at how low she has fallen. Moomin tells Fill to bugger off and stop ruining her buzz.

Parklife's cars get keyed. Suspicion falls on @@@, but @@@ won't say that she didn't do it. Dasbo decides to Do Something To Help Her. Might as well lock her up now, then.

McTart books an appointment for a home hairspraying and patting session with Nurse Tanyah. I think she has some plan to say: "Oh by the way, I'm sleeping with your husband" while Nurse Tanyah is mixing up the hair colour. Not a good move. Anyway, Bradley manages to stop McTart from telling Nurse Tanyah by turning into Mean Bradley. How odd. My husband can do that Instant Bastard act too. Mean Bradley tells McTart that she's just another in a long line of Dadley's Tarts, and tells her to get out while she still can. Exit McTart. Bradley glowers and blushes prettily. There's some confusion about a watch later, which Bradley returns to Dadley, only to inform him that he can't be bought off like a McTart, and he's still not talking to him, so there. Dadley shrugs.

Billy wakes up on the morning of his wedding in the middle of a SilentNight warehouse, wanders out, dressed in nothing but his West Ham boxers. I reckon the producers are Leyton Orient supporters, what with all this anti-West Ham defamation that goes on in EE. Anyway, there are shenanigans. Billy ends up in jail, then gets released. Fill and AGarry end up in jail after Fill starts a fight with a man in a vest at the police station. AGarry gets told to shut up a lot. Billy meets Minty back in the square, but all he has to wear is a lime green suit of Naomi's, plus an 80s sociology teacher-tastic tie with piano keys on it. Billy and Minty get locked in a bathroom. Fill saves them, but the shower rail's a goner.

Meanwhile, fights have broken out at the church. Phoney breaks them up and the vicar tells them they have to leave to make way for a male voice choir singing Bohemian Rhapsody at the 2 o'clock funeral. Billy and Phoney end up on Loser's Bench, wondering if there is any point to this lightning wedding business. It's a shame about the viewing figures, because this week's EE had some really good bits - mostly written by Sarah Phelps. So, more Sarah Phelps, producers, and less of this sexual swapshop gangster nonsense.

MOOMINDRUNK
Carly and GADawn are planning a holiday to Ibeeffa, which gives me chills at the thought of a Spanish comedy week abroad that I will have to write in Spanglish after last year’s Franglais masterpiece. GADawn is a bit short of cash so she blackmails Ian into giving her work at the caff, Ian promptly turns around and sacks Juley – Juley??? Is he still in it? Juley moans to St Gus that he is stoney broke and pulls a “massive credit card debt” plotline out of his arse. St Gus looks judgemental, yet saintly, at his brothers foibles. Juley gets Fill to give him a job (despite the “boning a teen girl” debacle last time Fill gave Juley a job) but it is a cleaning job and Juley is too proud/stupid to accept it.

Dole Scum Keef is lying in his own filth, staring at the telly and licking the carpet for sustenance. GADawn yells at him to get off his arse and go shopping but he spends all the money on pie filling and tubes of wasabi or something and is mocked by his spawn. If GAD is going to start being mean to Keef all the time then I am all for her. Later on she is kind to Dasbo and promises to look after him. She also ditches her holiday with Carly in order to keep an eye on things at home. Phew – muy felicidad escapeo!! They eventually get DSK out of the house by moving his manky chair to a market stall so he has to sit outside and actually do work – he turns out to have the ”gift of the gab” or whatever. Yeah right.

Chelski’s boss at the restaurant is this new character (new to me anyway. Oops) called Elaine who I think is played by that annoying bint who won “pro celebrity duet singing” and who was v whiney and annoying on it (”Why are you being mean to me just because my singing voice is like a cat being pushed alive into a dualit toaster and I am competing in a singing competition???”) Her card is marked for sure. Anyway, she has the hots for the Parklife and somehow tricks him into going on an imaginary date at the restauarant.

Moomin stumbles into a work with a hangover and has the dry heaves when confronted by some dude with a bloody knee. They have built an entire hospital set and everything. Very fancy. A bitchy nurse keeps hovering round and saying things like “Don’t use a dirty mop to clean someone’s head laceration , Student Nurse Moomin!” Later on she sniffs alcohol on Moomin’s breath and calls her in for a telling off. Moomin whines about her home problems and Bitchy Nurse snaps “We all have problems! You have to be 100% committed!” Um hello thanks – Holby city is thataway. Moomin goes in the next day for a meeting about her crapulosity and decides to steady her nerves by drinking some neat tequila or something. Oh Moominpaws… She ends up being suspended for two weeks. Martin and Poline find out and say she can’t spend time with Chloebecca and is a drunk, a tramp and an unfit mother (not unlike Sue Ellen from Dallas). Moomin goes round to scream at Poline and Chloebecca tells her to shut up and stop being such a mardy cow. Ha ha ha – pwned by your infant child, Moomin!! She locks herself in her house and is mean to Gus when he tries to be nice to her but he is so saintly that he keeps trying and in the end they have a talk and end up snogging. Oh Gus, what have, what have you, have you done to deserve that?

Nurse Tanyah and Dadley decide to hold a housewarming party to get to know people and prove to Bradley that they are nice etc. Bradders and Jim won’t go however. Mrs Goggin’s and her extremely severe bun do go, but then she leaves in a huff when she hears That Bitch Elaine boasting about her date with Parklife. Every one else sits around and acts like idiots. Dadley is boasting to Babs about some fancy hotel where he pursued his adulterous affair and Nurse Tanyah is v pissed off. Dear Nurse Tanyah – I know you feel bad but sleeping with Fill is not the answer for anything ever!! In other news Nurse Tanyah has taken over the salon (and does a business plan actually on a COMPUTER instead of the back of a betting slip like everyone else). I look forward to her taking over from LadyDen as the Square’s chief head sprayer/patter. She cheers up and later manages to actually lure Bradley round for dinner but it is all a big disaster as Dadley doesn’t show up, the girls are bratty and annoying and keep giggling at him (they are pretty believable actually) and in the end Bradley says he never forgave Nurse Tanyah for being a dirty marriage wrecker and stealing Dadley from his mum. He says that Dadley is probably cheating on Nurse Tanyah RIGHT NOW and NT makes a poignant face like a lady in a Roy Lichtenstein picture… Nurse Yanyah tries to trap Dadley in his web of lies but to no avail. Later it turns out that Dadley actually is having an affair. THE SWINE!!!11!

Carly begins to appreciate the true horror of having Poline as her crypto mother in law and dumps Martin.

Smarmy metrosexual WWCTV member flirts with GADawn aka “Mrs Beale” and lets her take out a credit card in Mrs Beale’s name without any proof of ID or anything. This is going to end in tears methinks.

Chelski wants Parklife to go out with her mum and not That Bitch Elaine and so spends all the date being the worst waitress evah and getting in the way all the time. TBElaine sacks her. Doh. Parklife talks That Bitch Elaine into giving her her job back. Un-doh. Mrs Goggins is v grateful but then it turns out that Chelski can only have her job back if she dresses like a clown. I think uou can taker someone to tribunal for that. Despite the clown horror, Parklife and Mrs Goggins end up getting it on, banging a gong. Ha Ha, TB Elaine.

“You’re MY WIFE NOW, Dawn…”

Dadley and Tanya (who was brilliant as Beth in No Angels so will now be called NoAngel, NoAngelsBeth or NABeth or something) move into Tony Bennett’s house. Jim doesn’t like it, not one little bit. Dadley starts introducing himself to the locals and meets Fill, who says, “Hello, my name’s Phil Mitchell and I’ll be sleeping with your wife in about two weeks’ time…” Bradley is still mad about Dadley moving in – his furiously blushing cheeks are like some weird mood indicator or something. (How does he blush on cue like that? Truly, the man is an acting GOD). Anyway, he goes for a shout at Dadley and Dadley tells him that NABeth and the girls are dying to meet him. This pleases Bradley and his mood-indicating cheeks drift back to “mellow”, but then Jim goes and lets it out of the bag that Dadley hasn’t told them after all so Bradley goes round and asks NABeth straight out just as Dadley comes to the door. Ruh Roh!

Unsurprisingly, NABeth isn’t too happy about the LIES and threatens to move out before they’ve even moved in. I’m happy to report that Dadley and NABeth are both excellent actors and there’s a very good scene where Dadley tells NABeth that he doesn’t want to build bridges with Bradders if it means burning them with her. It turns out that the girls’ names are Lauren and Abi, one of whom (Lauren) wears far too much make-up for a 12 year old, so I think we should call her MiniPop. Anyway, MiniPop guilts NABeth into staying because she’s excited to have a long-lost older brother and a long-lost granddad. Dadley: pleased. Later they all meet Moomin when Abi injures herself by practicing the long jump on the concrete (not the sharpest tool in the box then). This gives Jim a chance to ignore them and say that they are Dadley’s kids, not his grandkids. I hope they string this out for a decent length of time rather than wrapping it all up within a week or two. (Are you listening, scriptwriters? Are you bollocks.)

Prison Bitch Bert is still at the Slater’s. Rainman displays previously unsuspected depths of Cunning and lets Bert sleep in so that he can sing “Mac the Knife” at the allotment on his own. (This is every bit as weird as it sounds). Later he locks Bert in shed and leaves him in there overnight! Ha ha! Good. If only he could leave him in there permanently. Or set fire to it. Anyway, Bert also injures his ankle, which makes me laugh unreasonably loudly.

Agarry and Phil have one of their “oh so topical” World Cup conversations about going out on penalties. It’s quite impressive, really, except they edit it in really badly and it looks awful. My mind wanders and I start thinking about how nice it is for Garry and Phil to film their scenes that morning and then see them that night, rather than having to wait three months or whatever it is.

The Bealemeister: Master of Deception. The LIES just keep on coming. In fact, if you had a drinking game where you drank every time the Bealemeister lied to PantoJane you’d be shitfaced within minutes. Anyway, Dawn fleeces Ian for a new dress and then wears a saucy half-dress, half-corset number to impress the Masons while she pretends to be his wife for money. At one point she tells them that Ian is always making her dress up for one reason or another and the Bealemeister makes that hilarious squirmy face he does so well (cf when he caught Janine scrubbing their Sheets of Shame in the laundrette and she called him a pervert). Anyway, Dawn then makes Ian buy her some cheap-looking jewellery in the auction for £150. I’m finally beginning to see the point of Dawn. When they get back, a furious Jane catches Ian handing over the cash, but Dawn lies for Ian, trapping herself in his web of lies once and for all. Meanwhile, the Bealemeister is invited to meet the CCTV committee (as Lee rather amusingly calls them) and Ian suddenly realises that Dawn will now have to pretend to be his wife FOREVAH. He panics though and tells Dawn to “go back to your own world”. Ouch. You know that’s going to come back and bit you on your scrawny ass, Bealemeister.

Over at the House of Dolescum, Keef deliberately fucks up the interview (“I sleep till 12 and can’t read – is that going to be a problem?”) and Rosa decides she’s hads all she can stands and she can’t stands no more, as Popeye used to say. Unfortunately, they’re about to get married so she prepares to suck it up and do the decent thing. Keef tries to make an effort (apart from getting a hair cut, having a wash or trimming his stupid beard) but as he’s on the way to the wedding he spots Genghis rolling around in some shit and decides to join him. I think Keef turning up to his own wedding caked in dogshit might be the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen on EastEnders. Anyway, throughout the wedding, Rosa looks trapped and terrified and finally she bottles it and walks off. Keef doesn’t understand all the fuss – after all, it’s only a bit of shit. What’s the problem?

There are non-comedy shenanigans with Ben sulking and feigning illness because boo hoo, sack racing is too difficult. Phil says he’ll help him practice. Ben has got a lot cheekier in the last few weeks and he makes Phil do it, since he says it’s so easy. Phil, his ears no doubt burning from 15 million “potato in a sack”-type jokes being told simultaneously, does some of the world’s worst sack race acting and falls over, unconvincingly. Ben loves it though and they bond, Mitchell-style.

Back at the Dolescums there’s a Crisis Meeting. Rosa’s hiding out with Babs and Keef is still stewing like a fool. Rosa finally comes back and apologises but tells Keef: “I’ve fallen out of love with you. It’s OVAH!” Ha ha! Sucks to be you, Keef. She also develops a rather shocking cold streak and later tells him, “This is a new life and I just don’t want you in it”, in front of all the kids. Harsh. Still, it’s no more than he deserves. In fact, this storyline fails miserably because it’s impossible to feel even remotely sorry for Keef. (Every time I watch EastEnders I keep hoping there’ll be a number to evict Keef at the end but it never happens). She also makes Keef tell Dasbo he doesn’t want him around, so he’ll go with her for “a better life in the Cotswolds”. Anyway, Rosa is true to her word and fucks off, taking Demi and CBAleesha with her. She’s going to take Dasbo too but he starts crying in the back of Clint’s car and she has a change of heart. (Actually, this bit is really sad – Rosa’s crying was really realistic and Dasbo’s breaking down in tears scene was very well acted. Maybe he deserves to stay after all. Shame we have to lose Demi though. Also, apropos of nothing, I’ve just noticed that the actor playing Clint is called “Huggy Leaver”. Weird.)

Moomin continues to be jealous of Carly bonding with Rebecca. Meanwhile, Carly has the devil’s own job trying to impress Poline, who looks even more orange than usual. Luckily, Michelle phones and tells Poline that Shazza’s had a baby and called it Dennis, thereby setting up yet another Dirty Den storyline in 18 years’ time as well as Shazza’s imminent return. Carly’s very good at making the “listening to Poline” face and there’s amusing moment when Moomin mistakenly thinks Carly’s having Martin’s baby. Carly cements her Poline-bonding skillz by mastering mobile photo technology and sending pictures to Michelle for her. Moomin tries to join in but Poline makes hacky face and says the battery is dead. Moomin: sad. There’s some nonsense about Moomin not signing the divorce papers and Carly confronts Moomin about it (hang on – surely it was only last week she said the relationship wasn’t serious?). Anyway, Moomin seeks comfort in MYGus (they shag next week, apparently) and signs the papers. She then plans a night away with Rebecca but Rebecca says she’d rather hang out with Martin and Carly, thankyouverymuch. She then asks Carly to be her mummy for the sports day race in front of Moomin. Moomin: sad again. (This is all so she’ll go into Moomin Meltdown and hit the bottle in entirely plausible fashion next week). Oh, there’s also an amusing bit where Carly tries to talk Martin into a dirty weekend, so that Sonia can be with Rebecca and the Bealemeister overhears and says, “A dirty weekend in Brighton? I would!” Yeah, alright, Bealemeister, no-one’s asking you. I wonder how long it’ll be before he’s paying Dawn to let him “call the shots” in ze bedroom?

WHO’S THE DADLEY?
I missed the very beginning on Monday – stupid football/schedulers etc – but it appears that after last week’s shenans with JoJo Ma, JoJo has let Bradley pillage her loins for the very first time. She is skipping around all happy and in love and Bradley (who seems to be getting the hang of this acting lark) is happy too and mentions to Jim that he has scored (as who would not wish to discuss all their sexual experiences with elderly relatives?) Of course, Jim tells the whole pub. JoJo/Bradley are teased for being a slag/stud respectively and JoJo shouts at Bradley and Bradley shouts at Jim and says that he is a rubbish grandfather. Jim is sad and they bond etc and talk about Jim relationship with his son (Bradley’s dad) whom they have never mentioned before and who just happens to be joining the show later on – what are the chances etc.

Meanwhile there are loads of shoe-horned in scenes where random people say things like “did you see the football last night – we beat Ecuador 1-0 you know!” How topical

Next day, Bradley and JoJo are canoodling in bed. JoJo says she loves Bradley and then is annoyed that he doesn’t say it back. “What is love anyway?” asks Bradley, quoting the wise words of Howard Jones, and they make up and decide to spend the day together and bunk off work. Meanwhile a mystery stranger who looks a bit like Dr Romano off ER appears, takes his crappy car to the garage (how many plots begin with people’s cars breaking down in Walford?) and flirts with Carly about his big end or something repulsive. Of course it turns out to be Jim’s son/Bradley’s dad – he goes and whines to Poline (who is cleaning Jim’s house for when Dot gets back) about how Jim used to play mean tricks on him with Rich Tea biscuits when he was a kid. Dude, get over it. You’re a grown up now and can buy yourself whatever biscuits you like. Jim appears and they bicker, then Bradley appears and they bicker some more. It turns out that Dadley was thrown out 13 yrs ago for cheating on his missis and that Bradley has never seen him since, but now Dadley wants to get to know him etc. He now has a new wife and family and is in trouble with his new missis for cheating on her too. Bradley says he’ll think about it. Dadley goes to get his car and is flirting with Carly some more when his wife appears (who looks a bit like Dr Susan Lewis off ER – spooky!) to tell him off. Dadley begs for forgiveness and suggests they make a new start from his philandering ways – in Walford!!! They look around Tony Bennet’s old house and have a boring argument about infidelity etc – they are both alright actors but no-one cares about the characters yet so shut up. Tanya (the wife) has a look round Walford (ie sticks her head round the door of the pub) and decides she wouldn’t mind living there. It appears that Dadley hasn’t told Tanyah about his ENTIRE OTHER FAMILY LIVING ACROSS THE ROAD – that’s going to work out well then.

Davetta is a bit jealous of JoJo/Bradley and then gets all hot and bothered when she spots Lee canoodling in the club with some random bint. Perhaps someone needs a trip to Anne Summers to buy a “marital aid”? She falls out with JoJo about J using Tony Bennett’s old house as a shag pad but then they make up again leaving JoJo free to hold filthy james bond “theme nights” for Bradley.

Parklife is worried about telling Mrs Goggins that he had a spat with {insert baddy nickname here}. He confides in Dolescum Keef (WHY???) and they argue about whether it is best to be honest/skeazy. Parklife votes for honesty and confesses to the handbags at dawn incident - but then Mrs G shouts that she never wants to see him ever again, as she is wont to do EVERY SINGLE EPISODE. Meanwhile Rosa goes off to the “high street” and reappears with a wedding dress she brought from the Sue Ryder Charity Shop and the news that she has booked a registry office wedding for next week. He decides that he ought to make a bit of an effort and buys some delicious asti spumante to celebrate but then Rosa pulls a job interview for a live-in cleaning/care takery job out of her arse as well. Keef and Dasbo don’t want to move to Norfolk (and I can’t say I blame them). I wonder what hateful hilarious schemes they will come up with to thwart Rosa again.

Agarry is still being a jealous loon re Minty/SJ. After listening to him being sour for hours, they ditch him at the Vic when his back is turned and then AGarry tries the stupid ultimatum approach – saying Minty has to choose to go to Germany with either him or SJ. Minty obv chooses the hot blonde (SJ – not Agarry) but then SJ stands him up anyway.

Ian is still being a dick re the Walford Odd Fellows Society. He keeps going to meetings and sucking up to the two main WOFS members who have been given like a name and lines and stuff – one is a smarmy young metrosexual type bloke and the other one is a mad beardy feller who reminds me a bit of Former Home Secretary Charles Clark. Beardy keeps whittering on about how you have to privileged and special to join the WTF society and also that you need to have a wife who will make pots of jam and be your slave etc. Ian keeps buying him drinks and sucking up to him so Beardy lets Ian offer to help run a charity auction with Jane helping – it turns out to fall on Parent/Teacher night (“Mr Beale – did you realise that Lucy is followed round by demonic crows that do her every bidding? She’s improving at geography though”) so Ian decides to pay cash money to GADawn to be his fake wife instead. I don’t need no good advice to realise that that is all going to end in tears.

SHOULD I STAY OR SHOULD I JOJO
The hitherto unknown Walford Masonic Lodge and Benevolent Fund has set Ian a task to prove that he is worthy of joining the ranks of the lower middle classes. He must stage a World Cup party for the kiddies of Walford, complete with killer bouncy castle and buxom Swedish blondes serving meatballs for that cosmopolitan touch. Only the Swedish blondes are banned by the Evil Home Office, so it's up to Carly and GADawn to don the horned helmets for huge sums of money. Ian also pays Bradley to dress up as a Paraguayan, but even Bradders realises that there aren't that many ginger Paraguayans around and bribes Jim with a bottle of tequila and a poncho to take his place. Poor old Panto Jane ends up prancing around in a giant lion costume. It's all a big success. The head of the Walford Masonic etc appears to be iconic pop artist and Ruralist painter Peter Blake, complete with unconvincing South Armagh accent. Peter witters on about social cohesion and thinking outside the box. He asks Ian if the giant lion in a dress, scaring small children is Ian's wife. Ian apologises and says that she won't be around long. None of his wives are, after all, but Peter says that a Mason needs a wife who is going to get "stuck in". Well, Grant would know all about that, eh? eh?

There is a classic comedy moment when Ian whispers sweet nothings about calling the shots into the lion's ear, only to discover that PJane has swapped places with Fill. Fill blushes (I think) and says he never puts out on a first date.

Parklife's triangle of tedium continues while Mrs Goggins blows cold and freezing. Eventually he gets a snog, but then Owen (please see blogpoll opposite for possible nicknames) turns up and upsets Chelski. Then he upsets Parklife. And @@@ reckons her parents are going to get back together. She also reckons that Mrs G will let her go and visit her nan on the Costa Del BlueRinse. Owen does his best to get us to see past the shifty 80s hair and find the hero inside himself. It almost works until he confronts Parklife in the car lot, intimating that Parklife may be intimidated by the naughty pigeons, and therefore not good enough for Mrs Goggins. He throws something and Parklife throws him roughly to the floor or something. Anyway. They're not friends.

Incidentally, there was much mention of the first Mrs Parklife who, in the best soap tradition, "ran off". So we can expect a tearful Parklife family reunion around August, I reckon.

Minty and SJ (Sara Jane, apparently) get closer until SJ reveals that she stole stuff off an old boyfriend. Yeah? My ex took my guitar, sold my books and kept the money, the bastard... Anyway Minty isn't so sure, but can't bear the thought of being stuck in of an evening listening to AGarry's latest barrel of misogyny. So what does he do? Suggest that AGarry gets a hobby or joins and evening class? Arrange to spend Manly Man time with his best mate? Of course not! He goes and buys an overchromed Vespa (Parklife is allowed a Quadrophenia moment) and says he's driving to Berlin with SJ on the pillion. AGarry: sad. And confused. Sooo confused.

JoJo doesn't want Bradley to know about JoJo Ma, so tries to make out that she's not interested any more. Bradley arranges romantic evening in with her favourite slasher movie, and tries to prove how hard he is by letting her sucker punch him. When he gets his breath back, JoJo says she's still not going to talk about her mum. Bradley says they might as well finish if she's not going to let him in (metaphorically speaking, all that other stuff comes next week). JoJo says if he doesn't like it, then he's dumped. Bradley points out that he dumped her first. JoJo: sad.

But soon JoJo is sad no more. Bradley weasels JoJo Ma's address out of Big Mo, and turns up just as JoJo is trying to unblock the sink or something. JoJo Ma goes all fluttery and daft. JoJo sends her out for more pills while she rips Bradley's throat out. Then Bradley tells her that he loves her. JoJo melts, and Bradley deals quite well with JoJo Ma. Hurrah! Bradley 4 JoJo 4evah!

Over at the Dolescums, I think Jake, Gus and Juley have thrown Keef out of the plot cupboard, because here he is, still moaning about the wedding that will never be. Babs gives Rosa a makeover that involves curling her hair a bit and putting on mascara. Keef pretends not to notice. Rosa gets desperate and tries to seduce him wearing nothing more than an England shirt. Keef feels one of his sick headaches coming on, and points out that Aaron Lennon would probably like his shirt back. She should have got a no. 10 shirt. Rosie: frustrated.