CAKEY BREAKY HEART
I missed the first half hour but basically Curly comes back after apparently being forgiven by Tony Bennett re Salsa Inferno. He is in charge of the club and doesn’t think he has anything to worry about Tony wreaking revenge or whatnot. Lee tries to talk sense into him but has apparently forgotten that Curly is thicker than a sack of hammers. Curly ignores him and ponces off again – all this in prep for next week’s gangster nonsense, which I’m sure Sarah will greatly enjoy watching and blogging (tee hee).

In other news, Straight Pike passes the police check about driving the mini bus. His relief is shortlived though, as Big Mo (Dear Big Mo, pls don’t wear your hair down in that flat bob. It is inexplicably disturbing. Thanks) finds a prison tattoo on Prison Bitch Bert’s shoulder while they are “making out”(“Mr Benn is my Daddy”?) and works out that he has been in the Big House. She finds out that he and Pike were both burglars and then makes lots of snide comments about “doing houses” when Straight Pike is wittering on about giving Poline a loft conversion. Pike is worried that his secret prison shame will be revealed. Still.

Drippy has got CBF hopped up on baby crack or something. She has to stop though when Charlie finds her huge stash of empty calpol bottles/syringes/pipes made out of coke cans etc.

David Wessex has to go away on an urgent job and Babs is sad. Phoney goes to the hospital and finds that her Victorian Lady’s Condition is now better. There is now nothing standing in the way of the hideously misjudged Billy/Phoney freak genetic experiment. It is Bab’s birthday and Pat is worried about going because of her renewed slapper reputation, but Parkilfe cheers her up with a cheery tale about how his son died of cystic fibrosis (causing Beano to decide to be annoying for two, to make up for his brother’s loss) so Pat goes and has a good time.

Bradley asks JoJo round for a meal and she accepts. They have Dot’n’Jim’s house to themselves and are all awkward etc about whether they are going to do it – Jojo is about to leave in frustration but Bradley asks if they can wait and do it later – when he has stopped being gay perhaps – and JoJo agrees.

Yolande is being all icy and cold to Trini-dad and keeps going out drinking without him and dancing with strange fellers. Trini-dad tries to be understanding and saintly. On Pat’s birthday, she gets drunk and starts flirting with Parklife through the medium of car metaphors. Gross. Parklife pretends to go along with it but it is reverse psychology or something and Yolande goes “Adulterous Sex?? Eek!” and runs away. She goes home and confesses to Trini-dad but says that she couldn’t go through with it. She also forgives him again for about the 15th time.

Moomin tries to talk to Poline and Martin about no longer paying her share of the mortgage, but they both tell her to get lost. Jim is shunning Moomin re her sinful sapphism, so Moomin goes whining to Dot and tries to get her to change Jim’s mind. Dot tries but Jim is all “No! It is filthy and wrong!” so Dot tells Moomin to fight her own battles. Martin is trying to put a brave face on things, but then one day he is the Vic and Prison Bitch Bert is making off colour comments about “joining in” with Moomin and Naomi (ew). Martin goes mad and punches Bert in the eye. Bert starts writhing around making pirate noises (“Aargh! Aaaarghhh!”) It is pretty funny. Martin runs outside and Bert goes after him and apologises for going too far – he says that Martin should just tell him to shut up if he gets too annoying. Does that just count for Martin or can the audience do that too? Shut up Bert. Martin starts whining about his failed teen marriage and Bert comforts him. Oh what ev er.

Jane bonds with Ben about sandwiches. Ben chats to Minty about Fill and starts acting more normally – he agrees to let them hold a birthday party for him (that’s the third birthday in a week – it was also Yolande’s). Ian makes a cake in the shape of Wembley stadium (only it isn’t very realistic because it is actually finished) and invites all the relatives round. Bert horns in too and Poline makes sour faces. There is a bit of tension between Babs and Ian as Babs buys an Ipod for Ben whereas Ian only got him a satsuma and a bit of string. Jane (or poss Ian) gives a boring speech about how they shouldn’t fight as they all want things to be nice for Ben. Babs finally agrees to pretend not to have bought him anything and that tug of love conflicts = bad and wrong. Oh what a surprise – it is at this very moment that Fill appears in the Vic. He finds out from Billy that Kaffee is dead and Ben is with Ian etc and is pissed off that no-one bothered to tell him.

Babs and Ian are bonding and Ian offers to let Babs carry the cake through to Ben. Fill charges in and starts shouting and going all red faced and heart-attacky. One thing leads to another and Fill grabs Ian and starts to shove his face into the Wembley Cake (complete with lit candles ohs noes!!) He is only saved from a painful Flame Cake Face of Death Horror when Ben comes into the room – of course he is shocked and appalled to see Fill acting like a psycho and runs away. (btw, if this was Batman, Ian would have been hideously disfigured by the flaming cake, gone mad and turned to life of confectionery related crime as The Patissier!!)

Next day, Fill is sad that his son thinks he is a mental. He carries on moaning that no-one told him about Kaffee and Ben, has a row with Babs and then stomps into the garage and fires Carly. Carly runs off squealing “I’m telling my dad on you!” Later on Carly moans to Parklife (and anyone else in sight – shut up Carly) and Parklife does his cockernee babbling trick to convince Minty to take responsibility for Carly’s employment status. Minty goes and tells Fill that everyone was doing everything for his own good and he should stop being such a big baby. In the end, Fill forgives Minty and lets Carly have her job back. Jane takes Ben round to see Fill. Fill gives him a model race car for his birthday and they play with cars while Jane smirks approvingly in the background. Ian comes and spoils it though and Ben runs away again or is dragged away or something. After they have gone, Fill finds Ben’s model car smashed on the floor, smashed like Fill’s dreams of fatherhood blah blah (TM Eastenders Book of Obvious Symbolism). He is sitting on his own in the Arches and finds a convenient bottle of vodka in a desk drawer. The bottle: “Drink me! Drink meeeee!” Fill : “Oh alright then!” He is just about to fall of the wagon when Grant walks into the Arches and makes a quizzical face.

A MOOMIN WITHOUT A MARTIN IS LIKE A FISH WITHOUT A BICYCLE
Naomi still thinks that Moomin might be another bi-curious timewaster, and tells Moomin not to pass up on a free trip to Paree, . Moomin says she’d rather write 5000 words on urinary tract infections while sharing a bathroom with Minty and Agarry. She packs her bags, tells Mmartin that she’s a lesbimatarian now, and that she’s going to live with Naomi. But Naomi runs off to visit her mother. Oh no! Moomin throws her bags at Agarry and stomps off in hot pursuit. She catches up with Naomi at the station, and the hapless commuters have to make way for another weirdo couple declaring their undying love in the middle of the ticket hall. I’m sure there are by-laws about that sort of thing. Mmartin takes to his bed in shock after finding them at it on Minty’s sofa. Ian prattles comfortingly about his three failed marriages, devil children etc. Nice one Ian, send him straight to the top floor of Centre Point, why don’t you?

Keef tries to wriggle out of marrying by taking the Groomzilla route. The wedding must be a full white number, in a church, with CBAleesha as a flower girl. Nice try, but he's up against GADawn, who gets Rosa to ditch the plans fora church wedding in favour of the usual unfeasibly high-speed register office job. And there’s an engagement party in the Vic. Babs has spared plenty of expense, recycling Martin and Moomin’s wedding banner, only one plate of curly ham sandwiches with the crusts left on. Keef: worried. Me: bored. Rosie: Bridezilla. Me: still bored.

Naomi and Moomin announce their relationship to Agarry and Minty, who are too shocked to ask if they can watch. Next week, they’ll adopt a cat called Gertrude and sign up for a drumming workshop.

Straight Pike and Northerner lie on the insurance form about previous convictions. This is probably Important For Later. Still wondering about Straight Pike’s crime. Maybe it was the ghost/graverobbing fraud thing that he perpetrated in Randall & Hopkirk (Deceased). Or maybe the shopkeeper got fed up with him walking out of the shop without paying for his costumes.

Poline tells Jim and Dot that Moomin is a lying lesbitarian slut who has broken her little boy’s heart. Moomin visits and leaves with Dot intoning: “Thou shalt not yodel in the furry canyon” at her retreating back, and thinks that everybody hates her. Naomi persuades her to go out, but instead of raving it up at a nice club somewhere (I’m assured they do exist), they go to the Vic. Naomi orders two gin and tonics, and Babs looks disapproving. What, is gin and tonic some kind of gay drink all of a sudden? Poline and Sonia have the inevitable barney at the Klebb engagement do. Poline declares that no-one has the right to humiliate her son in public except Poline. Martin asks Moomin what he ever did to her, apart from getting her pregnant at 14, killing the LOVE OF HER LIFE, and forcing her to share a mortgage and a bathroom with Poline.

A health visitor makes a surprise visit to Drippy following Bobby’s attempt to sacrifice Cute Baby Freddy. Drippy acts all paranoid and demands that Panto Jane comes over to make a statement about CBFreddy’s non-violent nature or something like that. Health Visitor tries to a) care, and b) empathise what with CBFreddy being a rape baby, and Drippy goes off on one. CBFreddy wakes up again. Drippy won’t give him Calpol because suffering constant pain is character building. Big Mo starts secretly slipping CBFreddy some pink goo of oblivion but Drippy finds out and gets shouty. Nobody tells Drippy to get a grip. NotGayDoctor just simpers something about Drippy doing what feels right. Feels right? We’re talking about a Slater here. You know, the sisters that love to share…

NotDavid Wessex reveals that he’s not too happy about Phoney’s pregnancy because Ma Phoney died in childbirth with a hereditary heart condition. How quaintly Victorian. Phoney goes to see Dr NotGayYet, who runs a few tests and tells her that she’s absolutely fine. Phoney: cross and still not talking to David for making her live in fear of Death or something like that.

Parklife thinks that Pat fancies him because she cooked him some posh chicken at Beano’s suggestion. We discover that Parklife wears Chelski underpants. I really did not need that information: we’re still recovering from Pineapplegate. Parklife and Pat formulate a cunning plan to wreak revenge on Beano for stirring and get him to do…the cleaning. Really, they’re above all this.

Everybody’s telling Bradley and JoJo to hurry up and start with The Sex. Beano the Virgin tells Bradley that women love it when a man drags them into a bin-filled alley and bends them over a bag of rotten chicken legs. JoJo: unimpressed. I think they’ve split up again.

Mmartin’s brilliant idea for getting Moomin to jump back over the fence is to get her to buy a present for Moominchild (who appears to be back with AdoptoGran). It fails. Mmartin: sad. Moomin: on the phone to Celia Hammond.

PS: Just watching the new Coldplay video. Yacht Rock gone mad, I tells you.

HONEY'S TOO TRITE TO MENTION
A fairly “meh” week, probably not helped by the fact that I managed to watch the episodes in reverse order. It was a bit like Memento, only without being exciting and having good performances etc.

Ian lands back with another recruit for his army of creepy child Satanists – Kaffee’s bloke has died and so Ian has brought Ben back to the UK. Ben is very quiet and subdued – because he probably knows he will be sacked in 6 months time and replaced with a strapping 18 year old – and Ian, Jane and the kids try to make him feel at home. When Babs finds out she runs over and starts squawking that – you guessed it – he’s a Mitchell and should be with other Mitchells. PantoJane begs that she doesn’t tell Fill just yet as Ben is still all traumatised etc and doesn’t need to be a “tragic tug of love tot” just yet – that can wait til next week. It turns out the only place Ben feels at home is in the arches, playing with spanners. Whatever.

Dot gives Jim a pile of old crap (ugly vase, fish slice etc) to give to a charity shop but instead he sells it to Deano for his stall and spends the money on crack and hookers (ok, gambling). Of course Dot finds out and is cross – cue amusing (in theory) scenes of Dot waving a fish slice around like a psycho killer. Straight Pike and his prison bitch Bert stand up for Jim, so Dot is offended and moans at Poline. Poline and Dot fall out over it. Later on, Poline and Jim get home to find Bert dry humping Big Mo on their sofa – aargh, my eyes!! – Poline starts squealing that her house has turned into a knocking shop (I don’t think that even Bert would PAY to dry hump big Mo) and throws Mo out (um, why didn’t they just go to the Slater house – it’s half empty these days esp compared to when 15 people used to live there in the Slater heyday. Still, good for Mo for getting some action for the first time ever!). Pike takes Bert’s side and says it isn’t a big deal so Poline falls out with Pike too. Lots of funny scenes of Dot, Poline and Jim all acting arsey around each other. Pike finally sucks up to both Dot and Poline by offering to drive a minibus on Dot’s church trip but then he finds out he isn’t eligible for the insurance as he was an ex-con. He invents some lame excuse so he doesn’t have to disclose his Secret Prison Shame and everyone makes up anyway.

Carly wants to get a job but doesn’t want to work at the car lot with Parklife. She says she wants to work with cars but doesn’t know what her true talent is – well it certainly isn’t acting. She begs AGary and Minty to let her have a go as a mechanic and they all like the idea of having a sexy wench around the place but of course she turns out to be a dab hand with a carburettor too. Babs is a bit sceptical (“In my day girls were only allowed to be busty nurses or busty barmaids or busty prey for Benny Hill” etc) but lets her stay.

Martin has a business plan to make more £££! (as per Harry Hill: 1. sell more spuds. 2. Put Pat back on the game.) While he is at the bank, Moomin and Naomi talk about work and going somewhere nice on holiday etc (I hear that LESBOS is nice at this time of year!) but then Martin sees their brochures and books a surprise weekend for him and Moomin in Paris. Moomin tries to be pleased but is obviously not because she would rather be spending a weekend in Naomi’s pants.

Drippy is turning into a right moany cow lately. Also her hairdon’t makes her look like she is about 50. Her and Jane go to the park with Freddy and Bobby and Bobby tries to sacrifice Freddy to Shub Niggurath - The Goat with a Thousand Young by, um, hitting him on the head with a stick. They go to hospital to get it sorted out and presumably this will be Important For Later (ie to be used in ammo re tug of love case or for Drippy to be investigated by social services).

David Not-essex (David Sussex? David Wessex?) keeps letching over Babs but she keeps moaning about his dog and telling him to take it outside so he sits on Losers bench and sulks. Babs relents and goes to talk to him and he says that his dog is his only family! I know that Phoney is annoying but that’s a bit harsh! Babs says he can come back in and, if he plays his cards right, can unclog her u-bend in the morning. Pure filth! Babs also lets slip that Phoney is pregnant and David Wessex makes a dramatic face. He goes to speak to his dimwit daughter and says that medical science has shown that she is officially too thick to breed and that if she has a baby she might die like her mum. Phoney says she doesn’t care – helpfully reinforcing the “too thick to breed” hypothesis.

It is AGary’s birthday and they have a surprise birthday at his house. There are lots of extras there that we have never seen before. Martin gets drunk so Moomin takes him home and leaves him to drown in a pool of his own vomit while she goes back to the party. They are chatting on a step when Moomin tries to slip Naomi the tongue. Naomi says “Uurgh! Get off!” and runs away. Later she tells Moomin that it is bad and wrong for her to toy with her feelings like that when she is just going to go back to Martin anyway. Moomin is all “How can something feel so right when it’s so wrong, blah blah blah” and says she will dump Martin for Naomi. Finally!

Lots of Miller tedium this week. DCI Carter finds out that his mum left £5,000 to Rosa Klebb and plots with GADawn to get hold of the money. He persuades Dawn to pose as Rosa long enough to get the money by saying that he needs it for a big romantic gesture to win back June-from-the-Bill once and for all. Oops, I mean so he can get them a house in Spain and have a fresh start. Buy a whole house for £5K? yeah right. Dawn is too blinded by love for her father (or else blinded by her hideous orange coat) to see the obvious flaws in this plan and reluctantly goes along with it. In the end Mickney and Rosa find out and guess that Carver is tricking GADawn. They find out he hasn’t booked her a flight to Spain, even though he said he had, so they all march off to have a dramatic confrontation. Carver admits that he was swindling the money for one of his dodgy scams and Rosa gives him the money (wha?) and tells him never to bother them again. GADawn is all set to run off to a convent or something but Mickney tells her that families stick together, unless your name is Keef, in which case you can just fuck off.

Keef keeps sniffing around but Rosa keeps telling him to get lost, as he is too useless and slack and she wants a man who can support her etc etc. In the end he moves his manky old chair and DVD’s to Gus’s house until the housing dept can decipher his childish crayon scrawl and get him a new flat. Gus shouts at him to stop sitting on his arse and do something, so Keef sells all his manky crap and possibly a kidney on the internet, as suddenly he has enough money to buy Rosa an engagement ring and ask her to marry him. Rosa does not exactly look overjoyed but cliffhanger anyway.

MORE, TOO MUCH MORE THAN A PRETTY FACE (I DON'T THINK SO)
There's a fat bloke in a jeep - no, not the usual London crack dealer kind, the Countryside Alliance ex-army kind that probably has a brace of dead badgers and a beagle in the back. And he's giving Billy evil looks. This man is supposed to be David Essex. But David Essex decided that singing Rock On to housewives in Cheadle would be a far far better thing to do than cosy up to Barbara Windsor four times a week, and we got Fat Bloke instead. Fat Bloke isn't a bad actor, and he's not all that fat, just fatter than David, and not exactly blessed in the twinkly-eyed gipsy good looks department. Trouble is, the producers didn't bother to change anybody's lines, so we can look forward to lots of comments about how good-looking Phoney's dad is. However, this is the world where Fill Mitchell is a ladies' man and Ian Beale calls the shots, so it's not like it's weird or anything.

So, NotDavid Essex gets mistaken for a plumber by Billy - oh the hilarity - and gets to monkey around with wrenches and stuff under the sink while poor Billy wrestles with the worst non-comedy mistaken identity nonsense ever written, and tells NotDavid that he's a bit scared of Phoney's dad. Meanwhile assorted relatives of Pat shout at each other and Phil Daniels goes to work in the car lot because he can't leave his little gurl heartbroken.

NotDavid tells Phoney that Billy's not good enough for her, but Billy perseveres - given the alternative is Drippy and her Flintlock hairdo, I don't suppose we can blame him - and NotDavid says he approves. He also embarks on a flirtation with Babs with brings out her fiery side. Is there any side of Babs that isn't fiery? Even her wig looks a bit like a forest fire in Lapland.

Poline has survived a week of making The Sex with Straight Pike, but she's not impressed to find Northerner mangling his vowels on her sofa. It looks like Northerner was Straight Pike's prison wife. Northerner hints at Straight Pike's Dark Secret and Straight Pike persuades Poline to let him stay. Poline: cross. Good to see marriage hasn't changed her.

Dolescum update: Keef sees a chance to get his feet back under the table after Jim Carter's mum's funeral. But Carter gets there first. Keef says: "Rosie Klebb chose me, go away!" Carter: "No, she chose Demi and Cute Baby Aleesha." Keef: sad and still on MYGus's sofa. Nope, I still don't care...

JoJo has a horrible week, poor lamb. First, she realises that she does fancy Bradley (well, he does have a lovely smile, but he's still gaygaygaygaygay), then Davetta returns for her stuff and tells Stacey that they're not best friends any more because her psycho dad is all she needs or something - it's a shoddy crib this week by the way. JoJo cries and decides to be horrible to Bradders because Nobody Will Ever Hurt Her Again. She tries flirting with Lee, who has only popped out for a swift half. JoJo's drunken antics soon send him scuttling back to the plot cupboard, and Bradley takes her home. She cries some more and Bradley promises to be There For Her like a true GBF should be.

THE WALFORD UNDERGROUND AND NICO
There are repercussions aplenty re the Patrick/Patricia shock revelations. Everyone calls Pat an old slappah and frowns disapprovingly at JoJo for being a stirrer. Trinidad grovels to Yolande, who overacts like crazy now that she has got the sniff of a decent storyline. She gives Trinidad a hard time (re how could you hurt me, why did you do it if it meant nothing to you, how can I ever trust you again blah blah blah). Trinidad: “Pleeeeeese!!” She says she’ll think about it. Pat goes round to talk to her and says that Yolande would be a fool to give up on TD and that Pat would pity the fool who gives up on TD. She lets Yolande slap her one and Yolande starts going on about Pat is a cheap narsty old whore with ugly earrings. Pat says “Well if Trinidad wanted to cheat on you it must because you are rubbish in bed or something.” Yolande is sad and packs her bags. TD keeps a low profile at the shop and down the pub until Babs tells him to get his arse home and grovel some more. He chases her to the tube station but Yolande gets on the tube – or not! She was only pretending! She says she’ll stay if TD gives up the car lot and is nice to her for the rest of his life.

Bradders doesn’t want to have anything to do with Jojo now that she has revealed her dark side. Jojo is sad. Bradders seems to genuinely want to go out with JoJo so maybe he is straight after all, or maybe he thinks that JoJo would be excellent faghag material and would be ideal to take along to G.A.Y. to kidney punch all the spiteful little bitches there who give you a hard time for wanting to, say, walk past them to go to the other bit of the club…

Ian is poncing around making everyone record video messages for Cathy – messages to beyond the grave! Yes, it turns out that she has died in a mystery car accident with her husband (which makes me think of Gillian Taylforth’s court case re fellating some bloke in a car. At least he would have died happy…). Ian starts pressing buttons on his calculator like a mentalist and won’t talk to PantoJane etc. In the end he locks himself alone in the caff and starts mopping furiously (but nothing can wipe away his memories of Cathy!!). For some reason it is Martin who talks Ian into letting him in. He comforts the Bealemeister and makes him cry and let it all out etc.

The moominchild has been packed off back to Moomingran and Poline and Straight Pike are still at their honeymoon. Martin is looking forward to some time alone with Moomin and specifically Moomin’s lady parts. Moomin is suffering from lesbian panic attacks though and schedules a dinner round Dot’s (but tells Martin it was Dot’s idea). Martin misses it because he is too busy “comforting” Ian and passive-aggressively doesn’t phone Moomin or tell her what he was doing next time he sees her so they can have a pointless row. Next day Moomin promises to cook a special meal but Martin finds out that it was not actually Dot’s idea for the dinner and, instead of confronting Moomin, passive aggressively invites all the blokes round for a poker game at his house without telling her and then won’t talk to her when they all land round. (Everyone looks forward to winning money off Bradley but he turns out to be an internet poker ace and wins – gee I didn’t see that coming). Everyone squirms around uncomfortably as Moomin and Martin have a “Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf” attack. Naomi says that Moomin can stay with her if she wants and Moomin hisses “This is my MARRIDGE we’re talking about!” Later on she begs Martin to talk to her if he cares about their MARRIDGE and Martin walks away. Ooo! Harsh! I must have missed a bit because next thing you know they are all lovey dovey again and Moomin has forgotten that she is a lesbian. Martin is just about to do her on the kitchen table (Poline would disapprove of such unhygienic practices, methinks) when there is knock on the door. Who could it be?

It is some seedy bloke called Bert who is a comedy northerner who says stereotypical things about how southerners are unfriendly. No Bert, they’re only unfriendly to annoying bastards like you. (PS my family are from Sheffield so I’m allowed to make fun of northerners). He is looking for Straight Pike but spends an episode flirting with Yolande, hanging round the pub and muttering incomprehensibly about ginnels and whippets etc while hovis advert music plays in the background. The B&B is shut so he breaks into Poline’s house and surprises the young love/hate birds. He says that he is best mates with Pike and Pike would def let him stay. Martin and Moomin have dilemmas.

God, this is already really long and I haven’t even covered Phil Daniels and his annoying brats yet. The daughter (at first I think she looks like a less squinty version of Renee Zellwegger – I later decide that I’m wrong but I’ll call her Renee anyway) has apparently left her hubby in Cyprus because his family are a bunch of meddling bastards or something. She keep huffing and going to her room to cry so this takes about 15 hours of TV to discover. Phildaniels puts off his holiday a bit to try to sort it out and goes to the family’s Greek restaurant to talk to them. The sharp featured hubby Nico is there and says he still wuvs Renee and wants to take her back – he arranges to come round to talk to her but then Nico’s stereotypical greek dad (lets call him Stavros) wants to come too etc. When Renee finds out she whines and huffs a lot, making her the most annoying new character by a long shot (I’ll need a new poll at this rate) but eventually shows up to the meeting. Not only is it Nico and Stavros but a host of aunts and uncles etc too. They start reeling out a list of things that is wrong with Renee (doesn’t like taramosalata, does like the Turkish entry in the eurovision song contest etc etc) while Nico sits there pulling sad faces. Phildaniels tries to keep the peace but there is a big fight anyway, Phil punches Stavros in the face and lots of Pat’s ugly knick knacks are dashed to the ground. It drags on for hours – Phil apologises, Stavros won’t accept apology, Nico comes round to plead with Renee and says he wuvs her, Renee agrees to take him back, Nico spoils it all by talking about going back to Cyprus and working in their restaurant again, Renee moans that he is browbeaten by his family blah blah blah. It all ends up with Renee crying and alone and Phildaniels postponing his holiday once more. Could Nico’s family be the new Di Marcos (vaguely Mediterranean? Check! Work in Mediterranean style catering? Check!?) Do we need or want new Di Marcos?

(MACARFUR) PARK LIFE
I’ve worked out why the BBC are driving EastEnders into the realms of Crossroads. There are no man-size pods hidden in Rainman’s shed: nobody is going to turn on JoJo and do that pointy argh expression a la Donald Sutherland.

Because the BBC is trying to kill this blog.

By forcing us to report on the worst plot twists and personality changes since Pammy woke up in the shower (or whatever happened), they think we’ll give up and go home. Well they’re wrong. Very wrong. Easties Updates will go on, fearlessly exposing the mediocre and laughing at Babs’s wig while adopting JoJo as our very own Skanky Teen Goddess.

Though it would be cool if there were some pods in Rainman’s shed…or maybe they could do a special unlucky lottery number that keeps cropping up in unlikely places that only Billy notices…

Even Babs looks tired of the plot shenans this week, and stops beating up Pat over the Furwank/revolving bow tie incident. Pat’s got other problems though. TriniDad wants to spend Valentine’s Day with both Yolande and Pat (yes, this is my punishment for gloating about Mark having to blog Patrick/Patricia – I get the non-comedy Valentine’s nonsense).

Patrick buys a cheap negligee from the market for Pat’s valentine present, except the world and his dog thinks it’s for Yolande. Straight Pike wears it at his stag night. Ian confiscates the stag party beer money and says it should go to their dream honeymoon in Cleethorpes or wherever. That’s all you need to know.

Later, Pat “surprises” TriniDad with a stunt involving a fur coat and not much else. My EEEEEEYYYYYYYEEEES! The Portakabin’s a-rockin’ just as JoJo comes a-knockin’, and she sees things that her young eyes ought not to see – though Pat and TriniDad are too busy enjoying themselves with the pineapple rings to notice. JoJo spends the rest of the week giving Pat and TriniDad hacky looks and looking sour every time Yolande talks about the massive wrinkly loving she’s getting from TriniDad these days. I don’t blame you, JoJo. TriniDad decides that his poor old heart can’t cope with the excitement of non-stop pineapple hoopla, and gives Pat the elbow. Pat isn’t all that sad, but JoJo sees them kissing in the street and decides to do something about it.

Poline doesn’t want a fuss on her wedding day, but Naomi and Moomin bully her into getting a proper outfit with a hat and everything. According to the BBC site, Martin tells Moomin to start acting like a “his wife” and not some bi-curious lesbotic intellectual type, I suppose. Straight Pike’s daughter Megan appears from nowhere, and wanders around being a bit snotty and hinting mysteriously at Straight Pike’s mystery past. She looks suitably shocked and dismayed at Poline’s hen night where half the room reveals that they have slept with husbands of best friends/relations. Except Dot. Nobody, not even Straight Pike, seems all that sure what Megan is for, other than to look disapprovingly at the Fowlers (Megan: “Who’s that?” Poline: “My daughter Shell…she can’t be here as she’s in Florida and would be stoned to death by an angry mob if she returned to Walford.” Megan: “Who’s he?” Poline: “My son Mark. He’s dead from…errr…something bad.”).

Devil Child Lucy has the best sour face in the whole world, and is fed up that a) Moomin’s idea of ‘spending time with Moominchild’ seems to be to dump her on DC Lucy all day; b) her father must wearing a tinfoil hat because she can’t work out what he’s up to with his secret phone calls. Turns out that Ian is planning a dream holiday (PJane: “Yaaay! Where?”) in SarfEfrika with Kaffee, her pointy-headed gender-confused offspring and assorted teenage footballers – or is that another programme? (PJane: “Noooooo!”).

Chez Dolescum, if I have to. Keef prepares a delicious meal for Valentine’s day, but Rosie Klebb keeps her hatchet face. Then the hospital rings to tell her that Jim Carter’s mum is about to shuffle off her mortal, so Rosie gallops off to the deathbed. Keef: cross. He deletes a message for GADawn from Jim. Everybody goes a bit mental and Rosie chucks Keef out of the house. Keef: sad. MYGus: sadder because his sofa gets colonised by a hairy malodorous lump, and it’s upsetting Wellard.

Poline’s wedding day dawns, and it becomes clear that the idea of acquiring of a stepdaughter that makes her look quite pleasant has been weighing on her mind. She takes off to sulk in the Park of Contrivance, but Megan finds her and delivers a wooden little speech about wanting her dad to be happy, even if she does think he’s mad for marrying such an awful old trout. Dot commandeers Charlie’s cab in the name of love, and they arrive at the register office seconds before Straight Pike follows the old shopkeeper through the mysterious door.

Meanwhile, Pat opens the door to the God of London Acting himself, Phil Daniels. Phil is – wait for it….Beano’s undead dad. Apparently Beano has a habit of running off to random relatives and telling them that his father is dead so can he stay for a bit. Ummm…OK. Anyway, this time Undead Phil wants Beano to stay with Pat because he’s sold the inheritance and he’s off around the world to spend it. An hour later he’s holding court in a corner of the pub while Poline’s reception is in another corner.

JoJo decides that a pub in the throes of a wedding reception with Phil Daniels holding court in the corner is the ideal place to tell Yolande that Pat and TriniDad have been making the beast with two backs (with extra pineapple chunks). Yolande slaps Pat. Pat slaps her back....Phil dives in to save his auntie-in-law, misses his cab and finds his daughter crying at the door because her marriage is dead in the water. Or something. Oh well...

PATRICK/PATRICIA
Poline and Straight Pike dither around about whether she is going to marry him or not. In the end he gives her an ultimatum and says that unless she is at the tube station at a certain time (romantic!) he will def leave to join the French Foreign Legion. Pike moans to Martin and asks him to help him get into his mother’s pants. Martin agrees, the freak, but says that only Dot has any chance of persuading Poline to change her mind. There are many heavy handed references to Poline’s mum WHO DIED ALONE!!!! but Poline still can’t decide. Dot takes her shopping and they have a nice chat. Poline is worried because she hasn’t “been” with a man since Arfur died, and even then it was, you know… Arfur. Poline and Dot are very good at this kind of stuff, but it doesn’t disguise the fact that this plot is lame. Poline decides to take the plunge and they have a Race Against Time back to the tube station with non-comedy Dot driving shenanigans a go go. Straight Pike isn’t there but it turns out he was only fibbing re the Foreign Legion to make Poline come to a decision. He shows up in the kitchen and Poline smiles scarily and says that yes she will marry Pike and condemn him to a life time of misery and henpecking. Martin is pleased (and hugs Pike but not Poline – strange) and Moomin activates her powers for a sec and gives Poline an Elizabeth Duke gold necklace so she can wear Arfur’s wedding ring round her neck whilst wearing Pike’s ring too. Poline gets sick of everyone gossiping so they phone up the Implausible Walford Instant Wedding Bureau and arrange to get married next week! We will probably find out Straight Pike’s dark secret the week after, if not at the wedding itself.

Phoney and Billy want to move in together but Billy is so rubbish they can’t afford to live anywhere, not even in a cardboard box under the railway bridge. Pat agrees to let Phoney move in with her and Billy. What is up with Phoney wearing a faux fur cardigan under a horrible mangy dog looking fur coat. She isn’t a barbarian riding across the icy steppes en route to some pillaging. Phoney witters on about her dead mother and shows Billy her Box of Memories. Pat feels single and old.

GADawn is hungry for a man and tries to put moves on Lee, but he is too busy standing by the bar trying to work out why he is still in the program. Beano tries to chat her up but she brushes him off, so Beano suggests a wager with Lee – whoever pulls her first is the winner. Lee wins and is about to take her home when Beano pops up to give him his £20 and congratulate him on winning the “Dawn is a slaggg” bet. GADawn stomps off on her own in a huff and is sad (part 1). Next day, GADawn tries it on with Doktor Fox by feigning injury, but he tells her he isn’t looking for a girlfriend (but are you looking for a boyfriend? Eh? Eh?). GADawn is sad (part 2). Next day at work she gets chatting to a smarmy salesman type who asks her out for a meal. At the table he is all Swiss Tony, going on about how a fine wine is like a beautiful woman and a nice car is like a beautiful woman etc etc, and GADawn thinks she has landed herself a high class gentleman. GADawn has evidently never watched television before, because as soon as they get outside he turns all rapey and tries to ravish her. GADAwn whimpers that she thought they really had something but he suddenly turns into a nasty squire’s son from a Georgette Heyer novel and says “You working class doxies are only good for one thing! A sound rogering, by gods teeth! Etc!” GADawn runs away and is sad (part 3). Beano spots her snivelling in the caff and “cheers her up with his cheeky banter” (tm BBC website). A nation sighs as the “Dawn 4 Deano 4eva” plot clanks into predictable motion.

Something boring happens to make DS Keef feel insecure about his marriage. Again.

Moomin and Naomi arrange to go out for drinks but then Naomi cancels as she had a response to her personal add and now has a blind date with, like, a real proper lesbian. I hope they haven’t arranged to meet in the Candy Bar as it would be enough to send her back into the closet at record speed. Anyway, she is nervous about going so Moomin talks her into it and helps her get gussied up for the evening. Moomin demands that Naomi texts asap to let her know how it went and settles in for a quiet evening with Martin, Moominspawn and a DVD of instant child traumatiser Watership Down. Naomi doesn’t text her so she goes round to see her and finds her all dejected on the sofa as the other girl stood her up. Bitch. Moomin hugs Naomi (by basically shoving N’s head down her cleavage) and starts going on all “You’ll find a nice girl when you least expect it, someone who really loves you, someone who works as a nurse and looks like a Finnish cartoon character! Doh! I’ve said too much!” Moomin runs home and repulses Martin when he tries it on with her. He goes to bed in a bit of a huff and Moomin stands there and pulls the Tragic Face of “Oh No, Maybe I am a Lesbian!!”

JoJo wants Bradley to pretend to take her on dates so Rainman will give her money, but Bradley goes one step further and tricks her into going on actual dates. On the way home, he spots Jim watching them through a window and snogs Jojo so he can prove that he’s straight (perhaps). JoJo says “Eww, get off!” and Bradley smirks unconvincingly, as is his wont. A similar thing happens the next day. Zzz.

Pat is still feeling old and single. She tries flirting a bit with Trinidad but he says he was only ever nice to her because he felt sorry for her. Ruh roh. There is much dithering around and finally Pat is sacked for good – but then Yolande finds out that actually Trinidad can’t do book keeping, can’t do VAT, can’t buy cars and can’t sell cars. He didn’t really think this car lot deal through, did he? Yolande says he has to get Pat back on board or else the business is fucked. Pat says she will only come back on board if she is fucked too - by Trinidad on a regular basis. Trinidad says “eep!” and runs away. Back at the house Yolande says “That’s not good enough! Do anything to get her back! Anything! Anything at all! Do you see what the scriptwriters are doing here? Do you see?” Cut to Pat having a fag and growling “Ready for round two, stud!” in her best Fat Pat Babs Cabs voice. Trinidad is in bed, grinning like a loon, still wearing his stupid hat.

Is if that scene is not mentally scarring enough there is worse to come – next day Pat spends the whole time creeping up behind TriniDad and cupping his balls and licking his neck etc. TriniDad tries to get time away from Yolande for more grisly sexcapades but Yolande decides that we are due for a non comedy subplot and says that TriniDad is lazy and needs to take more exercise. She staples a pedometer to his wrist and says he has to take 6,000 steps before he can come home for tea. Trinidad is sad, especially when Pat phones him and says she has whipped cream and tinned pineapple rings at home. Tinned Pineapple Rings. Either Pat is going to play some perverted version of hoopla or she has a very strange concept of “pineapple on a stick”. I dread to imagine what her crudités would be like. Anyway, physics genius Trini-dad finally works out that any, um, rhythmic movement will count as steps on the pedometer and runs off to move rhythmically with Pat. Yolande is impressed with how much exercise Trinidad has got and drags him upstairs for more sex. Oh please make this stop.

SILENCE OF THE MOOMINS
Phoney spends most of the morning in the bathroom, emerging only to rip Billy's head off for looking at her the wrong way, then crying. Which can mean only one thing: another implausibly quick wedding is in the offing.

Speaking of implausible romances, Straight Pike tells Poline that a funny old shopkeeper in a fez has told him to get back into the spaceman costume sharpish, so is she going to marry him or what? Poline says she's quite happy being a lonely, miserable old trout, thankyouverymuch, but Moomin says she's scared of sex. Thank you Anna Raeburn.

Meanwhile Naomi and Moomin's non-relationship continues not happening. Moomin is struck by mildly curious feelings when Naomi peruses the Wimmin4Wombyn columns, but one glance at Martin cuddling the Silent Moominchild and her heterosexuality returns.

I think the Dolescums may still be in crisis, but frankly I don't give a damn.

Cute baby Freddie is teething and his freakishly large head is driving Drippy into psychotic hallucinatory mode. First she rips into the Handsome New Doctor for suggesting teething remedies and implying that she is a bad mother. Then she thinks she has a chance of getting back with Billy. Then she shouts at Handsome New Doctor again when he gets locked out of his flat and has to get Big Mo to break in for him. The good Doktor Boden Shirt has apparently gone on “sabbatical” to the plot cupboard until they can find a good storyline for a paunchy middle-aged, middle-class man who appears to enjoy his rugby. Oh well, that’s him gone then.

All suggestions for Handsome New Doctor’s nickname gratefully received – though Mark and I reserve the right to bin them and come up with something we like instead. What did you expect? Democracy?

TriniDad and Jim are worried about Bradley and the possible effects of a wide selection of grooming products on his masculinity. Bradley apparently doesn’t go to work until noon because “that’s when New York wakes up” – ummm…I can’t think of a polite alternative to bollocks that carries the same emotional impact. So, “Bollocks” it is. He spends his first afternoon of work fetching dry cleaning and getting the cappuccinos in. Jim and Rainman decide to test Bradley’s gayness by fitting him up with JoJo. Bradley: bit too keen. JoJo realises that ‘dating’ Bradders is a good way of extorting money from RainMan.

In another classic RainMan moment, Charlie hears that Billy wants to marry Phoney and has a go at Billy for breaking Drippy’s heart. Just what planet does this man live on? She can get knocked up by a rapist, go mental when Billy has problems bonding with CBF and then schtup her sister’s husband, but Billy can’t get himself a slightly dim girlfriend without inviting the Wrath of Rainman. Anyway, Billy tries to be subtle about proposing to Phoney, but Drippy overhears in a horribly contrived jukebox sequence. Dear EE producers: 1) the volume controls for a jukebox are always behind the bar, not where the punters can get at them; 2) In what world do you hear The Ruts on a mainstream pub jukebox after 1985? In fact, have you lot ever actually been in a pub? No, not a charming gastropub selling organic sausages in Islington; a proper pub, with pasties and Courage Best and swirly carpets…

So anyway. Drippy: sad. Billy: guilty. Phoney: still stupid.

TriniDad has apparently been visiting Antony in his Thai orphanage for a week. Nice. Pat toys with TriniDad some more, and does his VAT returns for him (cue accountanty rant from Mark). TriniDad feigns a bad back, which somehow affects his ability to do books or sell cars or speak coherently. Yolande tries to sell a car and realises that Pat is better at lying about mileages than she is. I can’t actually remember if Pat gets her job back, but what happened to the job at the bookies, or has Shazza sold it?

BAPTISM OF DIRE
JoJo is sad that Davetta has been whisked away to the plot cupboard without saying goodbye. She sees that Tony Bennett’s house is up for sale and gets Agarry to arrange to view the house with her so she can pump the estate agent for clues. It seems that TB is not coming back evah – though obv he will so he can die dramatically in a week long “special”. JoJo holds a party in TB’s house to mess it up so no-one will buy it and ends up screaming a lot and throwing breakables at Juley. Juley says that Davetta and JoJo can’t be very good friends if Davetta hasn’t bothered to phone her yet. JoJo: sadder.

Meanwhile, Naomi is out of the plot cupboard. Her dullsville plot picks up exactly where she left off, with Moomin wanting to spend too much time with her and Mmartin saying “Grrr, our marriage would be fine if it wasn’t for you meddling, kid”.

Rosie Klebb is wracked with guilt after her non-affair with DCI Carver, so GADawn suggests that she tells DS Keef everything to clear the air. Rosie admits to Keef that she kissed Carver and Keef forgives her, but then GADawn says “Did Rosie tell you that she almost ran away with him too?” Doh. Rosie and Keef have a dramatic confrontation and Keef says he can no longer trust Rosie. Shut up Keef, you should be grateful that any woman is willing to touch your rubbery carcass. Whenever Rosie is sad and upset she pulls mad faces and looks like one of the Evil Dead btw. Keef roams the streets a bit and then moves in with Minty and Agarry. Um OK... The Senior Millers try to hide the truth from the twins but they manage to work it out when Keef doesn’t show up for their birthday.

Straight Pike and Poline go to a pub quiz together. Phoney attempts to run the quiz but its too thick to be able to read out the questions so Babs takes over instead. What is the point of Phoney and her “comedy” retardation? Poline lets Pike sleep on her couch and next day everyone is all “Wah Hey, Nudge Nudge, Wink Wink, Etc”. Poline tells Pike that they have to cool it, even though they haven’t actually done anything, so he fucks off and joins the French Foreign Legion or something. Good.

Dot and Jim are all aquiver because Jim’s previously non-existent grandson Bradley is moving to London to start an office junior job in “the city”. There is some non-comedy nonsense about Dot trying to be hip with the young people by buying gangster rap (P Diddy? I don’t think so) and Nuts/Porn for Dummies type magazines. He turns out to be a young ginger chappy who looks like a stray Weasley sibling and drones on about James Bond etc. His acting is a bit rubbish, but most people are when they start so we won’t hold that against him… YET! Word on the street (ie internet) is that Bradley is going to be a gay – look out for clues, gentle readers!!

Dot shows him round and makes Beano and JoJo take him out for a drink. Jojo is still whining about Davetta, so Beano “creates a diversion” (ie tries to chat up Lamy) while JoJo sneaks into TB’s office to read his emails. She fails anyway. The evening is a bit of a disaster so brainiac Beano decides to spike her drink with ketamine to “cheer her up” – I don’t think horse tranquiliser ketamine actually does that but never mind. Long story short, JoJo collapses on the way home so Bradley tries to lift her onto Losers Bench (because Drugs are for Losers!!), ripping her nasty fishnet tights and putting her New Look blouse in disarray in the process. JoJo wakes up and thinks he is fiddling with her and smacks him in the face, giving him a black eye. She explains what has happened to Big Mo and Charlie, who gets a Taxi Driver vigilante gleam in his eye, and they call the police – Bradley is arrested and eventually charged with “slipping her a roofie” and “naughty wrong touching in the first degree”. That’s what you get for wanting to have a proper job, Bradley. If you wanted to be a street sweeper nothing bad would ever happen to you. Beano has moral dilemmas for a bit and then confesses that it was all his fault – he gets a caution, Bradley is released, JoJo is still sad.

TriniDad has vanished into the plot cupboard and left Pat in charge of the car lot. Yolande has some kind of weird personality transplant and turns into a meddling bitch who is always sniffing around making sure that Pat isn’t being naughty. Pat also has a personality transplant and turns into a 14 year old who thinks it is funny to lock Yolande in the portakabin as revenge. Yolande’s evil twin starts getting her bitch on again while Pat’s evil twin is running around re Deano’s Drug Shame and accuses her of not working hard enough, and also of looking like an old whore. *SLAP* - Pat gives her a big smack and Yolande makes excellent “Pauline from League of Gentlemen” style wobbly mouth faces. Yolande – “you’re fired!” Pat – “I resign!” Me – “Whatever!”

SPY IN THE HOUSE OF DOLESCUM
The machines that go ping have restored Davetta to wellness again, and Tony Bennett brings her home. JoJo has flashbacks to life (and death) with JoJo Ma, and acts like she doesn't want to know poor little Davetta. But they make up, tearfully, and Tony Bennett threatens Juley (again). But Juley says he's not afraid any more because his love for Davetta is pure and strong or something like that. I think the cat did something cute at this point.

Oh no, maybe I was just trying to block out the Dilemna at the House of Dolescum. Somebody remind me why I'm supposed to like this lot again?

Keef is still sad because Jim Carver is only marginally less useless than him and therefore better husband/father material in the eyes of Rosie and GADawn. Carver in the meantime puts the moves on Rosie over lunch at the Posh restaurant. There's some stuff about Rocky DVDs and Rosie returns to find the living room in chaos and boys scrapping on the sofa. I think that makes her kiss Carver on the swings of contemplation. Apparently she makes him feel young again: maybe he means that he looks younger next to Rosie's cleaning-fluid ravaged features. GADawn is happy. Mickney seems to be camping out on a sunbed and refuses to come out until Carver has gone back to Sun Hill or Australia or wherever he's supposed to be in The Bill.

Anyway, while JoJo and Stacey go back to being skanky teens, Keef decides to prove that he's not completely useless by setting up a tea stall and undercutting the Bealemeister's prices. Somehow this gets Ian to apologise to all and sundry about his treatment of Wellard the Wonder Dog. Keef gets bored with flogging cheap tea, and anyway Carver gets a job managing Tony Bennett's club and asks Rosie to help him start a new life with him, Mickney and GADawn. Rosie: "And the twins?" Carver: "Ummm...yes..." Rosie: "And Cute Baby Aleesha?" Carver: "ummm..."

Davetta n Juley get back 2getha, and Tony blows a Freudian gasket again. Oh this is getting boring. JoJo refuses to speak to Davetta evah again. Tony B tells her to stay away from his little girl in another of those strange psycho character transformations that he has every ten minutes. Then he whisks Davetta away in the Taxi of Finality. Bye bye Davetta. Hope you do well in your A-levels and get a proper job in a shop or something.

Pat and TriniDad? Oh puh-leese. Anyway, they have a car selling competition, when they try to see who can shift the ropiest old bangers that last saw daylight on Arthur Daley's car lot. It gets "flirtatious". TriniDad runs away after Pat extracts a refund for said dodgy cars from grinning Beano (for it is he wot sold the cars to TriniDad in the first place). Oh get this boy off my TV and out of my life.

Keef starts suspecting that something is up with Rosie Klebb. Maybe it's the packed suitcase in the hall, or the way she interviewed him about the future of their relationship like magazines tell you ("Where do you see us in five years' time?..." "On the sofa with a cup of tea and the Discovery Channel..."). Anyway he KNOWS. Rosie tries to write him a letter, but Mickney reminds her that he can't read. Then she changes her mind about leaving Keef anyway and Jim Carver runs off with the sofa money. The end.

PS: So traumatised was I by having to recall the dramatic non-events in the House of Dolescum that I forgot to mention that I know why the Moominchild adoption/readoption story doesn't make legal or moral sense. The social worker is none other than punk fashion grande dame Vivienne Westwood. Fine for a brocade corset and killer heels, but probably not that great on the niceties of adoption legislation. Anyway, it looks like Moominchild has returned to the Fowlers for the time being, while Adoptogran has cancer treatment. While she's there she channels the frustration of a nation, and cuts Moomin's hair while she's asleep. Go Moominchild!