DEN! IS! DEAD!
Denman appears at the window of Poline’s house. With a shirt on. Damn you, EE producers! I mean, we get wall-to-wall shirtless Christopher Eccleston action for Dr Who, but not even a tiny rip in the space-time continuum of Denman's t-shirt for EE. What is going on here?

So anyway, Denman and Shazz are staying at Poline's in Derek's old room. Nobody likes Denman except Dot and Betty the dog. Teen fears Shazza’s Shoulderpads of Truth, and lurks around McArfur Park, waiting for Denman. Denman bumps into her, glowers prettily and promises to keep his mouth shut.

Slutty and Rainman try to organise a lynching in the market, but Shazza tiptoes over to the Slaters, and threatens to knock Teen's halo off if she doesn't call off the family and leave Denman alone. Teen: wet and whiny. Shazz: fab when she’s evil.

Meanwhile, Denman discovers that Byrite is dead and has left him the Bookies, plus his collection of naked firemen pictures. Denman: sad and super bad. He glowers prettily at Pat and asks why Byrite would commit suicide by jumping into oncoming traffic over Blackwall Tunnel, and not just take an overdose or something. Pat shrugs and shows him The Books – why do business owners in EE keep going on about The Books? And why do they always get Pat to do them instead of a proper accountant? Tony Bennett makes a half-arsed attempt at scaring Denman, but gets an extra special pretty glower for his pains. Denman’s face suggests he knows why Byrite died and who did it.

Fembot-hair Shazz asks more questions about Oden but gets nowhere.

Drippy keeps lastminute.com going by ordering another ticket to Ibeefa for Teen. The Slaters decide to do another send-off in the Vic. Do these people never learn? In walks Denman and the locals finger their pitchforks lovingly. Minty hides his life-sized wicker person in crypto-incest pose and mutters something about needing more firelighters. Slutty and Rainman kick off with a torrent of abuse at Denman, who drinks his girly vodka and looks bored. Slutty tries to punch Denman but lamps poor AGarry instead. Teen screams: “Stop that! It wasn’t Denman’s baby! It was ODen’s!!”. Shazz smirks grimly and the rest of the pub goes “eewwww!”. LadyDen mutters about her carcrash life and everybody looks embarrassed. Except Curly, who tries to start a fight with Denman. Lee puts him back in the plot cupboard and goes to ask LadyDen if she’s OK. LadyDen cries on his shoulder.

Teen runs home but Slutty wants ANSWERS. Over the next two days Teen gets the full Slutty interrogation and I’m surprised Amnesty International don’t protest. Rainman bellows tragically at every opportunity, and nobody reminds him that it’s about Teen, not him. Denman tells her he’s very cross, but also very sorry, and wrinkles his nose adorably. Slutty finally gets Teen to admit that ODen is Dead.

I was out watching Cymbeline on Thursday, but the various plot twists and shoddy acting made me think I was watching EE, only in the open air with posher actors.

Stacey suggests that Teen might be going to meet ODen in Spain. Hell breaks loose again, and Teen finally confesses to Slutty that she not only slept with ODen, but she killed him too. Well, helped someone else kill him. Rainman diverts Slutty’s attention long enough for Teen to escape without her suitcase. Slutty gives chase and corners her in the gents at Walford Tube for yet another two hander on the nature of motherhood and how crap Slutty is at the whole parent thing (Teen). Nevertheless killing people is Not A Good Thing, and Teen should go to the police (Slutty). Going to the police would only mean Bad Girls jail for Teen and she doesn't fancy her chances with Psycho Natalie (oh I dunno). Slutty says Teen disgusts her. Teen runs off.

LadyDen and Sham fret about Teen spilling the beans. With all the timing of a 50p watch, Fool declares his love for Drippy. Drippy: “Not NOW!” Denman decides that life with Poline is probably worse than sleeping on the beach at Brighton. Shazz cons LadyDen into giving them houseroom at the Vic. But at least LadyDen stands more of a chance of seeing Denman with his shirt off, so she should take comfort in small mercies.

Teen and Slutty make up, then break up, and there’s all kinds of running around the square barefoot from Slutty. They make up at the tube station and Teen disappears with an Albert Square street sign under her arm. That’ll be fun at check-in. Slutty storms over to the Vic and somehow ends up in the cellar staring at the ODen-shaped lump in the floor. She hisses to LadyDen that she knows everything, and that LadyDen will pay, oh yes, she will pay.

TEEN TITAN

It turns out that Teen never told Slutty her Shocking Secret. Teen wanders round biting her lip and looking anguished while Slutty says "What is it, Zo?" about a million times. Sham is lurking around and keeps checking that Teen hasn't split her Teen-beans yet. In the end it looks like Teen is going to tell Slutty so Sham drags her round the flat and tells her that she didn't actually murder O-Den but merely assaulted him, and LadyDen murdered him later. "Why didn't you tell me before?" says Teen. "Because I was ruthless then, but I've since had one of my many unconvincing character transplants and am good now!" says Sham. Later on LadyDen is pottering round the vic when there is a knocking on the door. who could it be? she opens the door and *smack* walks right into one of Teen's Mighty Manhands of Justice. oooo, that's going to leave a mark!

Dot bickers with Jim and then goes on a drive in the country with Pixy Mervyn Hayes. They park up and have a picnic and lots of Alan Bennet style malarky about custard creams etc, then Mervyn says that he lurves Dot and starts licking her lime green driving glove. I bet he is just a glove fetishist. Dot squeals and runs away and the car rolls down a hill and crashes into a gate. Doh. Dot says she is going to give up driving and never wants to see Pixy Mervyn Hayes again, no matter how often he shouts through her letter box. Jim mutters about how chicks can't drive. Dot is sad and Pat heeds her pain. She says that Dot can't let a bunch of old duffers get her down and that she should carry on learning to drive. Pat offers to teach her to drive and Dot gives her a "Maybe not, Ms Hit and Run" look. Pat wins her over with biblical homilies. Go Pat and Dot!

Demi is sad because Leo (or "Lear", as she pronounces it) hasn't txted her for days. Lear turns up and says that Angry Dad stole his phone and has had him grounded. He says that now he has a paper round and soon they will have enough money to elope and raise the baybay together. I think you need two paper rounds for an elopement and a baybay. At least.

Aargh! My eyes! Slutty has put on some bright red slacks and a glittery floaty red top. she looks like a hippy post box. Teen tells her that she is going to move to Spain and get a job with Kellay. Slutty is sad. She tells Teen that she can run but she can't hide, or something. Teen admits that she has a terrible secret, but now it is resolved and everything is alright. Fool tells slutty not to be selfish and to stayon good terms with Teen. Slutty puts on a brave face and tries to act pleased for Teen. Sham is pleased that she is going but is having troubles of her as she is skint. PantoJane makes Ian give her a job (I am guessing that there is witholding of sex involved) so Ian says she can drive the crappy van out to a lay-bye and sell bacon butties. This is about the 18th time that sham has worked for Ian, but at least the script makes a joke of this fact and doesn't pretend that we have all forgotten. Sham accepts and Ian is still a dick. On the first day he bosses her around while Curly stands around saying that gets the horn loitering around in lay byes. I bet you do, you big queen. The van doesn't work so Ian shouts at AGarry and Minty. The three Beale-minions plus Curly have hijinks and skive off when Ian's back is turned and Sham starts to warm to Curly's flirting.

There is a cute urban fox on the square. bless. Predictably Ian wants to kill it and no doubt serve it's roasted meat from the van in baps. Them foxes is darn good eatin'!

Oh my god, suddenly we are in two parter hell and everything is really stagey and Laden with Symbolism. Can we back to wacky old ladies taking driving lessons, please. First of all, Fool and Billy are trapped alone in a near silent vic with only Silent Tracey for company. They bicker about Slutty/Drippy, build houses out of beer mats and whine about their childhoods. Gawd, just shut up! They are friends again afterwards but still....

Meanwhile, Drippy and Slutty listen in on Charlie telling JoJo off for nicking some money and joke that he is rubbish at being angry (intertextual jibe at the actor playing Charlie for being rubbish? YOU be the judge dear reader). They start doing Teen's packing ansd Slutty tells a boring story about one time that Charlie and Mrs Slater had a row and Mrs SLater nearly left but then everything was back to normal in the morning. Oh who cares? Seriously? Drippy flaps around the packing, pulling anguished faces and says things like "There's too much luggage! It won't fit!" Oh my god, the symbolism it is like a piercing beacon of TRUTH!!!

Finally; after the smack down, Teen and LadyDen go into the kitchen to have a dramatic confrontation. This is the most fun two-hander on account of LadyDen's hellacious over-acting. They argue about blackmail/murder blah bling blah and Teen said she was saving LadyDen from O-Den's murderous throttling. LadyDen says she didn't need saving and it was all part of her masterplan that she files under "D" for "Dysfunctional as fuck marriages". LadyDen says she was determined to do anything to keep hold of O-Den after her first marriage petered out because the bloke was shooting blanks. It seems the whole thing was part of a plot to get shazza to hate O-Den so that Ladyden would have him all to herself and Teen went and ruined it all by murdering him. Cree. Pee. Teen strides off triumphantly and that top makes her bosom look humungous.

The day of Teen's departure. The Slaters all banter round the breakfast table and decide to have a leaving party at the Vic. LadyDen goes round to overact at Sham and threaten her, later on Teen goes and says that Sham can come to the party too. Drippy and Slutty go over to the vic to arrange things with LadyDen and are shocked to see that she has a big bruise from the Manhand attack. They are concerned and Drippy starts to go on about her tragic experiences of domestic violence. I am liking the irony. LadyDen has to pretend that she got so drunk that she fell over. Teen shows up and makes subtle sarcy comments. Later on, teen goes to lunch with Charlie and they bond and Slutty thinks she has a chance with Fool, for the three millionth time. Lee tries to talk to LadyDen but makes her angry or something. Aargh, my videotape stopped before the actual party. Anyway, they are all carousing while Sham and LadyDen exchange unpleasantries when yes, you guessed it. Shazza and Denman show up and ask about O-Den. Everyone goes quiet, no doubt wondering what the hell Shazza has done with her hair.

REDEMPTION OR DEATH
Damn this summer madness. I was too busy enjoying myself to see Friday's EE so here's a partial shoddy update.

Tony Bennett keeps making Jim an offer he can't refuse- though it sounds well dodgy to Dot. TB lends them the money to buy Casa Brannigan, they live in it rent-free until they both pop their clogs in a tragic, yet romantic double suicide involving a mug of Horlicks laced with arsenic and Viagra, and TB gets the house. Not even a whisper of a possible future battle between Nasty Nick Cotton and Moomin? Tsk! Etina and Dot save the day for Nick fans by invoking the spirit of Ethel 1.0, TB decides to let the lovable oldsters be because he doesn’t want little old ladies to remember him as a dodgy geezer who was an ugly baby or something like that.

The Force is strong in Dot this week. Tony Bennett not only decides that he doesn’t want to be a bad boy any more, but celebrates by buying Dot and Jim a new sofa, and sacking Lee and Curly for making dodgy deals behind his back. Not long before Byrite comes back from the grave to shake his hoary locks at Tony then.

Poline is in MechaGranzilla mode, so Adoptogran calls upon the mighty forces of Walford Social Services, who say that Poline must bid farewell to Moominchild forevah. The Moomins agree and Poline gathers together a few photos of Arfur and one of Lou's more tasteful bits of jewellery for Moominchild to ponder when she asks why she has these strange urges to bed men twice her age and play the trumpet very badly. MMartin punches Ian for colluding with Poline. Go Martin!

Moomin can't resist another look at Moominchild, so she follows Poline to the Park of Contrivance and hides unconvincingly behind a telegraph pole while Poline apologises to Adoptogran. Adoptogran starts having second thoughts but Poline says that Mchild will only end up like Vickney so it's probably best not to see her again. Moomin hugs Poline and they wave goodbye to Moominchild. The next time we see her she'll be Moominteen, and most likely "troubled". Maybe even a Juhneen 2.0…

On to the Tepid Triangle of Tedium. Slutty and Fool are all bright and shouty in the market, and everyone tells Drippy that Slutty and Fool were made for each other - ie they belong together in the circle of Hell reserved for dim shouty berks and early evictees from Big Brother. Drippy:sad. Fool protests that he and Slutty will never shag again - not even after 50 vodkas and a lager top. Drippy: happy. Rest of cast: chinny reckon.

A greasy man leaves a vanful of karaoke equipment at the Arches so lovable scamps Minty and Agarry borrow it to stage a karaoke evening, where Fool ends up behind the bar with Slutty and Drippy. Fool is sad and confused but not quite crying. Minty and AGarry fail dismally to pull yet again - they should have done "No Woman No Cry" - and Mr Greasy pops up to reclaim his stolen stuff. Slutty leads the pub in a singalong so that Ethel 2.0 can serenade her William with Fool - look, it's too tedious to explain, but the mob goes: "Ahhh! Aren't they sweet?" again and Drippy slinks away. Maybe she has realised that Billy wasn't so bad after all.

The Doggy Doorstep of Doom moves to the launderette, where Teen sees it propping open a door. LadyDen tries to make out that Poline has just put Betty the dog in the freezer, but eventually admits that it is indeed the murder weapon but that she cleaned it before handing it back to Poline. This prompts a full-on Psycho Teen moment, and everybody thinks it’s because she still hasn’t got over the not-miscarriage. Slutty pats Teen's head and recites a speech about being a better mother and saying goodbye to the Slutty past or something like that. Teen nearly tells all, but doesn’t. She’s off to her glittering future as a Liv Tyler looky-likey next week anyway…

BECAUSE YOU DEMANDED IT!!!
I wouldn't normally do this, but because lots of people have asked over the years I thought I would do a special announcement that I have finally got round to writing about the Bill!!! check it out at TV Dinners!

SLATER VS SLATER

Ok, so maybe it was a bit ambitious to say that we would update every Monday - let's just say that we'll do it as early in the week as we can...

Anyhoo, it is all go with the tedious Slater/Moon/Mitchell love parallelogram. Drippy and Fool have an empassioned conversation, while Drippy and Billy have a different empassioned conversation.

Fool: I have moved on and don't love you any more. OK, maybe a bit but not really. Is it time for me to make the Sad Face now?
Slutty: I've changed, I did it all for us, let's try again!

Billy: I hate you and want a divorce. OK, no I don't. Freddy is cool.
Drippy: Sweet. Don't tell Slutty about Fool. I only snogged him once. Thanks!

I'm sure they act the hell out of it but I was out carousing in the fine bank holiday weather so whatever. The snoresome foursome continue to circle awkwardly round each other, whilst making tragic faces. Drippy tells Fool it is ovah! but he won't accept it. Billy is supportive. Drippy and Slutty are awkward with each other. etc etc. They have a welcome home party where Slutty cruelly prevents Drippy form wearing a red tight chinese style dress and makes her wear a shapeless grey one instead - I guess she didn't have any burlap sacks handy. It still isn't enough to entice Fool but Drippy says that Fool has to try with Slutty anyway.

Meanwhile it is also problems-a-rama with Slutty and Teen. Teen feels that Slutty abandoned her and acts all sullen and avoid-y. Slutty makes her sit down in the Vic and have a proper chat. Teen says that she had to have a miscarraige alone as Denman had dumped her for that bitch Shazza. LadyDen thinks they are going to talk about the moider and keeps running over and interrupting. In the end, Teen and Slutty make up and Teen gives Slutty 50% of the stall.

Demi continues to have tortured teen romance with Busted. She gives a nice christening photo to Poline but that only spurs her on to carry on visiting Adoptogran and Moominchild.

ETina and Tony Bennet spend a day together and ETina reveals that she can cook and is also numerate. Pat will be out of a job now there is another woman on th esquare who knows her times tables. Tony B is so impressed that he asks her to move in. ETina agrees as long as she can wreak make-over hell on the house.

Dot continues having driving lessons with Pixie Mervyn. Jim feels jealous and threatened, especially when Dot and PM tag team him about buying a new sofa. Tony Bennett overhears Jim moaniNG about the cost of sofas and offers to buy their cahncil hahse as an investment and let them live there rent free. Jim is tempted yet agonised and won't discuss it with Dot. ETina finds out and is worried that TB is going to do something evil (ie make the lovable old timers homeless or something).

Sham gets back from wherever she has been - she says she was visiting Fill but if that's the case there must be a solarium in the visiting room of HMP Lakeland Plastics because she is hella orange. She finds out that the flat wa sbroken into and that - gasp the Doorstop of Doom is missing! LadyDen toys with her like apuppet - sending her to Polines on an errand so she will see the Doorstop etc and eventually they have a Dramatic Confrontation. Sham ,rather pathetically, says she didn't intend to use the Doorstop to blackmail LadyDen but that a big boy told her to do it or something. They argue an dsham says she can grass LadyDen up anytime she wants. LadyDen calls her bluff and passes her the phone but Sham can't go through with it so LadyDen sacks her. When Billy finds out he shouts at LadyDen and makes her be nice ot Sham so LadyDen, pathetically, is nice to Sham again. Oh who cares, Denman and Shazza are on the front of TV Quick! They're coming back soon and they're looking for O-Den!!!!!!!

RETURN OF THE KAT
Big Mo gets a call from Big Mel, or Big Mary, or something Big. This leads me to believe that Mo was in some kind of chirpy cockney crime outfit of the 60s called the Big Ms – kind of like The Italian Job meets the Spice Girls with extra pies.

Big Mel’s in prison, and Mo goes to see her. Any fule can see it isn’t a proper prison: there’s no psycho blonde and her six-foot bald Jamaican bouncer, and no Sylvia Bodybag. Do they think we’re stupid? Anyway Big Mel moans about a mouthy cow who “thinks she runs the place”, and good golly Big Molly if it isn’t Slutty. Prison life means that she has had to ditch the leopardskin mini for a grey hoody, but it just so happens that she gets let out the next day, and it’s back to the full warpaint and black stuff. Mo tracks her down to a seedy pub where she is busy berating a sullen barman played by someone I met at a friend’s wedding. Slutty isn’t keen on coming home, but Mo keeps telling her that Teen needs her. Anyway, it soon turns out that Slutty doesn’t have much choice: the boyf chucks her out and then she gets into a fight with Darlene Cake’s mum at the Hostel For Wayward Young Ladies, and ends up losing everything except for her full leopardskin ensemble and some red lippy.

Meanwhile Fool and Drippy are drowning in their own wetness. Drippy tries to sort things out with Billy, who has finally realised that he loves Cute Baby Freddy after all. Fool wants to know why she can’t just dump Billy like an hot brick and move in and marry him right now. Shut up Fool.

Dolescum Central has been moved to the dodgy estate from whence they came while the rat situation is dealt with. Demi suffers abuse from the local brat gangs, and Busted Boy (called Leo) looks tortured. They send each other secret txts, standing on their flats’ balconies, while Rosie and the others busy themselves with the preparations for Cute Baby Aleesha’s christening. We also get to know Busted Boy’s family a bit better. Mrs Busted is a doormat: Mr Busted is seething with bitterness and rancour over something Keef did to ruin their thriving E-coli Burger stall. After Mr Busted breaks up the christening by yelling: “The child is Satan spawned of a whore!”, Keef improvises a baptism in the kitchen sink, and I think we’re supposed to infer that he is a saint in Dolescum clothing or something. Poline wears her non-evil hat and reluctantly approves of the whole thing.

Note to EE producers: lingering shots of Cute Baby Aleesha in full-on cute mode will not cause me to modify my language. So there. But she is a little darling, bless her.

Demi and Busted Boy meet secretly on the roof and make plans to run away together (running away forever, DemiandLeo!). Meanwhile Mr Busted and Keef have a slanging match in the car park – all we need now is a few ballet-dancing Puerto Ricans and we’ll have a full-on East Side Story. Mr Busted wrecks Clint’s Creamy Whip Van. Clint is sad that his creamy whip will no longer tantalise the tastebuds. Keef discovers that the rat epidemic is down to Jim’s compost heap (way to go with the environmental message, producers), and moves the family back home. Demi decides not to run away because she can’t leave CBAleesha. Busted Boy doesn’t look all that bothered. Bye bye Busted Boy. Hope you find a new career soon and not in the Year 3000.

Slutty returns to Walford and keeps nearly stumbling on Fool and Drippy discussing the future of their non-relationship. She overhears Rainman discussing a big family dinner, and snits off because he doesn’t mention her - hang on, he doesn’t’ even know she’s alive. Big Mo catches up with her and tears up her travelcard to make her stop running away. Slutty snits off anyway. While Slutty is arguing with the bus driver, local scamps put her bag under the bus wheels, and she has no choice but to go home long enough to steal some of Teen’s clothes.
Meanwhile Drippy and Fool have concocted a sensitive, thoughtful and tasteful way of announcing their love to the world. Drippy has to come up to Fool in the pub and snog his face off. Fool turns around when he feels a tap on his shoulder, tongue a-ready, but eeeek! It’s Slutty!

POLINIAN CRAPSODY
The stall is not making enough money so Mickney has to sack Keef. They are worried about telling him but he doesn’t really care, seeing as how is a workshy bastard. Keef and Dumber bond over homework and Keef takes his first steps on the road to semi-literacy. Good for you, Keef. They all have a DoleScum conference about choosing god-parents for Baybay Aleesha – Keef and Rosa Klebb take over and plump for LadyDen and Tony Bennett on account of how they are rich and have lots of access to free liquor. Also they are both MURDERERS. Way to go, Dolescums. Demi is sad and later sneaks off and recruits Poline and Mickney instead – I wouldn’t say that a venomous witch and deranged he-muppet are much of an improvement but well done Demi for showing some spine. Also, looking forward to Poline/Rosa catfights aplenty at the christening.

ETina: she’s leaving! She’s not leaving! She’s leaving! She’s not leaving! Oh just get on with it. I think she stays in the end and Davetta gives her her blessing. Whatever. Davetta spends half the time running to Jojo and sharing all the shock revelations. Jojo is quite funny. Tony Bennet confesses that the reason he isn’t as close to Davetta as he was to Scarlett is that Scarlett had meningitis when Mrs Bennett was preggers with Davetta, so Mrs B went away to protect the baby and Tony nursed Scarlett through her near fatal brain fever and bonded a lot. Tony and Davetta cry, hug, learn etc. Davetta also decides to go back to her posho boarding school. Shame – come back soon, Davetta, we like you! Q: Gasp! What is JoJo going to do in the meantime? A: hang around and make fun of AGarry. That’s alright then.

Dot has more bone shaking driving lessons with Him out of Summer Holiday. Jim is jealous and Moomin tells him off for not being supportive.

Agarry and Minty have more disastrous non-comedy dates – with women not each other (for now…)

Fool and Drippy sneak around trying to have their insipid affair. Ethel 2.0 and Big Mo are both on their cases. Here’s a thought, you thickos – why not try hopping on a bus instead of having all your secret dates in Walford. Jeeezus. The first date is in Fool’s flat – he wants to show her “It’s a wonderful Life” but the DVD player is bust so Fool acts it out (and gets it wrong, apparently) instead, giving Shane Ritchie opportunity to be uber-annoying. Shut up, Fool. Next time he cooks her a meal in Agarry’s/Minty’s gay love nest but then the blokes come home early so Fool takes Drippy to the Arches to finish their tea instead – oh the arches, How many sordid sexual shenanigans have you witnessed? If these walls could talk etc. Drippy starts getting all metaphysical and saying that their dating disasters are omens that their love is Not To Be. Don’t be silly – if that was true the fates would conspire to put Slutty back on the scene! Fool calms her down by snogging her and saying “How can something wrong feel so right?” Shut up, Fool. Again.

Moomin and MMartin languish at Dot’s but don’t really like it. Poline bickers with Dot about whether she is driving her family away. She tries to get Pike to talk Mmartin round but he refuses and says that he thinks she’s in the wrong. Poline tells him to pack his bags and get out then! Oh my god! What a bitch!! Pike stays at Dot’s TARDIS for a bit and then decides to go and live with his son. Buh bye Pike. Maybe the next token gay character won’t be a big waste of space who only got laid once in five years. I would worry about who is going to manage the community centre now, but apparently it has disappeared into a hole in the fabric of the space time continuum. So that’s alright then. Anyway, as the week progresses, Poline seems to become more reasonable. She talks about how she doesn’t want to lose her family and has a nice chat with MMartin when they meet at the graveyard on the anniversary of Arfur’s death. She announces that she is going to give them the house and move somewhere smaller and in the meantime is going to stay with her sister in Sarfend. She packs her bag and orders a taxi. Moomin and Mmartin beg her to stay but she is insistent and drives off. Moomin and Mmartin instantly move back into their old house from Dot’s. But what is this? Poline drives round the corner, tells the driver to stop for a few minutes and then goes back home. She tells moomin/mmartin that her sister has suddenly fallen ill and there has been a change of plan. Now that they have moved back in they may as well stay. She says she will look for a B&B in the morning and goes of to see Dot. Mmartin and Moomin sink into depression when they realise that Poline has manipulated them like witless puppets. Poline tells Dot that she has finally got them home again and soon she will have Chloe home too. Oh Poline, you evil evil bitch. Beelzebub has a devil set aside for you. For you. For yoooooooo!!!!!

IT AIN’T HALF-BAKED MUM
Drippy/Fool first, I think. Drippy has obviously been ambushed by a Benefit make-up lady, because she’s slapping on the Dr Feelgood and consulting Teen over shades of lipstick. Curly notices that Drippy scrubs up well, and decides to move in on her, Teen heads him off, and Fool is free to carrying on gazing at her like some half-witted lemming. Ethel 2.0 notices that Fool is foolier than usual, and decides in her sweet little old lady way that it’s because he fancies Panto Jane. I’m not sure what she based her theory on – I think he might have smiled at her once. Panto Jane gets flustered and tells Drippy and there’s all sorts of non-comedy carrying-on as Drippy thinks that she has been betrayyyyed etc. Fool finally bites the bullet, drags Drippy to one side and consummates their passion with a quick knee-trembler on Loser’s Bench. Not really. He spins some nonsense about a man being connected to the woman he loves by a silver thread that is so fine that nobody trips up on it or something. I think he’s trying to say: "yes I fancy you something rotten, but I’m afraid that Big Mo will use my internal organs to redecorate her living room, so can we kind of be going out without telling anyone?” I think it was something like that because that’s the only thing that can explain the rest of the week’s skulking around, exchanging secret longing looks, and simpering. Not sure where Cute Baby Freddie is in all of this, but I am impressed at Drippy’s childcare arrangements that allow her to hang around markets all day and do her make-up.

Dot decides to get proper driving lessons from Melvyn Hayes, of all people. Well, he’d fit into her handbag and he’s very smiley. Dot loves him. Jim is jealous. Ummm…do the words “tree”, “barking”, “up” and “wrong” fit together to make a well-known phrase or saying?

Actually I’ve thought of a new soap game: 70s Sitcom Bingo. I’m still working on the rules, but when you can count more than four former stars of slightly rubbish 70s sitcoms (and Dad’s Army), shout House! This week we have Love Thy Neighbour, It Ain’t Half Hot Mum and Dad’s Army. It still doesn’t beat Brookie’s coup: nabbing the star of Randall & Hopkirk (Deceased) and making him marry the granny. You get extra points if they starred in a movie with Cliff and the Shads, though.

Poline spends the week trying to play MMartin and Moomin off against each other, but Moomin’s powers are particularly strong this week, and Poline’s face is getting too scary to live with. In the end MMartin says they’re moving out to live with Dot and Jim. Dot tries to make amends, but Poline’s in full-on Granny Frenzy and won’t listen to anyone.

Sham’s away…I dunno, in Rio, I presume. Anyway, burglars burglarise her flat, so Minty and LadyDen try to tidy up for her. LadyDen’s busy looking around for a can of Pledge when she finds the Dog of Doom in the cupboard under the sink. Honestly, Sham is such a total slattern that a) I don’t think she’d notice that burglars had been in, and b) she hasn’t even cleaned the bloody murder weapon. LadyDen throws some stuff around, and calls Teen over to help her “tidy up” while she hides the dog behind the curtain. I have absolutely no idea what is going on in that curly head of hers. Anyway, LadyDen compliments Teen on her ability to keep things going. Teen says her life is a living hell and she wishes it was over. Hmmm…OK. LadyDen washes the dog (no perfumes of Araby involved, by the look of it. Just an Addis brush and lots of elbow-grease) and hands it back to Poline. Then she stands Oden’s grave and gloats about what a brilliant baddy she is, and how much she’s enjoying her bad self.

Tony Bennett is a little fed up: young Davetta and ETina actually like each other and ETina keeps suggesting that Davetta joins them.TB thinks that communicating with children is Bad and Wrong, but reluctantly agrees to let Davetta tag along. Davetta turns up at ETina’s place with JoJo who immediately suggests: “Let’s look through her stuff! Yay!”. They do, and Davetta unearths a badly-Photoshopped picture of TB and ETina with 90s hair, in front of a beach scene. JoJo goes: “eek”, and Davetta starts asking questions. ETina breaks down within seconds of Davetta calling her a lying old whore, and confesses all. Davetta storms off home and has a go at TB. TB tells her not to talk about it because talking is wrong and messes up your head, and he pays psychiatrists to sort out her problems so he doesn’t have to talk to her. Davetta keeps on at him, and tells her that she knows that he wishes that the other daughter had survived and not him. TB: shocked and dismayed. Davetta runs outside, to find JoJo keeping an anxious vigil in the street. ETina creeps away, watched by Pat, who is sad.

GRAN ROYALE
Not off to a great start with this weekly malarkey as I was out on Monday and Friday. Doh.

Have you all been wondering what has been happening with the lovably proleteriat Dolescums? No, me neither. Mickney finds an old speak and spell machine or something and sets it up to read out letters to Keef. I read about this on the BBC website and it makes zero sense to me. Zero. Keef finds out that Dumber is in trouble at school and has to meet a teacher, who says that Dumber is falling behind with his readin’n’writin and needs extra help at home. Keef rolls his eyes as the plot cruelly exposes his achilles heel yet again. Keef says he will make Dumber work harder and sets up a special work area. He stands over Dumber with a whip shouting “read, dammit!” until Dumber runs off in a sulk. Dumber says he doesn’t see why he should learn to read if Keef can’t. In the end they agree that Dumber will try harder in school if Keef learns to read too. Finally.

Dot is determined to learn how to drive and browbeats Jim into teaching her. He tries to put her off and when that doesn’t work he sets up a fake car in the living room using household implements. Dot won’t put up with that and demands a real lesson. She is wearing a green coat with huge brass buttons, like she is in the WI platoon of the hussars, or something. Pike and TriniDad stand around laughing like fools while Dot grinds the gearbox and lurches round the Square. There is a lot of screeching from dot and forced hilarity from everyone else. Maybe the writers think we will find the plot funny if they have characters standing around laughing the whole time. They run out of petrol after 5 minutes, which turns out to be a cunning ruse by Jim to get out of the lesson. Dot then asks Pike to teach her and he reluctantly agrees. They get stuck behind a lorry and then Dot knocks over some flowers in the market when she tries to reverse. Any fule kno that for your first lesson the instructor drives you to a quiet residential area before letting you get behind the wheel. Dot is sad and downhearted and goes to the caff to cry – PantoJane asks what is wrong and tells her that she can do it and not to give up, blah blah blah empowerment etc. Jane gives Dot a lesson and goes a lot better – so much so that Dot decides to get a proper instructor.

Minty and AGarry go on a double date – Garry has arranged to see a nice young lady from speed dating (who is well up for it, as they say) who has brought a Lisa Riley-esque comedy fat bird along for Minty. Faux-Lisa’s rubenesque charms are obviously no match for A-Garry’s lean thighs etc so Minty strops off and AGarry goes after him, turning down a guaranteed shag so he can wrestle with Minty on the sofa while they pour lager on each other. No, I am not making that up.

ETina and Davetta get to know each other and it all seems to go pretty well, despite JoJo’s attempts to sabotage everything. ETina used to be a nightclub singer, apparently – go on, prove it. I won’t be satisfied that this is true until she sings a version of “I’ve never been to me” in the nightclub. Actually I missed all this so I have nothing else to report…

Martin goes off to Asif’s stag doo. Asif is going to be a very handy plot device for whenever Martin needs a week off in future – “Asif is having a baby and I’m the god father!” “Asif is in a coma and he needs familiar voices to read out the lyrics of his favourite Spice Girls songs to his slumbering form!” “Asif has been kidnapped and the criminal will only negotiate with Martin!” etc etc. Moomin is not looking forward to being stuck alone with Poline and wants to go and stay with Dot. Poline and Ian start plotting to find out where Chloe is living so she can see her and Poline is extra nice to Moomin out of guilt. Moomin feels guilty in turn and decides to stay in Poline’s house. Poline and Ian go into Go Go Gran Detective! mode and snoop around until they find Adoptogran’s address in Moomin’s Magical Hatbox of Memories. Panto jane finds out about all this and disapproves, until Ian gives a stirring speech about how Poline was always there for him when one of his many wives tried to have him killed or shagged a Mitchell or whatever. Jane agrees to help out of loyalty to Ian and the two of them go to Adopto-gran’s house and speak to her. Gran is saying “I don’t want anything to do with you mentalists, after that crazy Moomin lied to me!” and Ian is being a bit rubbish so Jane takes over – she says she knows the true meaning of grief after CJDave kicked the bucket last year and says that Chloe needs as much love as possible now that her parents are dead, and that Poline is another pool of love that Chloe could bathe in, or something, and also that BEALEMEISTER MUST NOT BE DEFIED. I don’t think anyone has ever called Poline a “pool of love” before – a “pool of bile” maybe. Gran agrees while Ian pulls gimpy faces in the background. I bet Jane is due for an extra dose of Bealemeister lovin’ tonight. Poline goes round for tea the next day and is very well behaved. AdoptoGran still won’t let her stay for the evening meal though. Poline goes home and tells Ian that she is now determined more than ever to get Chloe. Doh. Later on, Moomin finds out what Poline has done and they have another of their generic rows about what it means to be a real mum and love your baybay etc. Moomin cries a lot and makes mad faces, apparently.

SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT
Mark and I have recently been talking about the future of this blog.

As you are probably aware, keeping a regular blog on Eastenders requires a huge commitment in terms of time and creative juice. We have been trying to update as soon as possible after each episode and, what with all the other demands on our time, this has become increasingly difficult. The blog was set up as a bit of fun, and it's rapidly turning into a chore.

Having said all that, we don't want to stop writing Easties Updates for good. We've worked too hard on building up our readership, and we like our little community (even the ones who point out the bits we've missed - you know who you are).

So, our decision is that we will carry on writing updates for Eastenders, but on a weekly basis. This means that starting from 9 May, Mark and I will take turns to provide a review of the previous week's shenanigans. In future we might write up odd individual episodes of EE if we fel like it or if something shocking that will change the Square forever happens. This will give us time to write on other TV shows in our new blog, TV Dinners. TV Dinners will feature other talented writers, and will cover shows other than Eastenders - in fact, whatever takes our fancy.

Thanks for all your support over the years - we hope you'll continue to read Easties and also check out TV Dinners.