MOOM - OUT OF CON - TROLL
Moomin isn't talking to Martin about the whole Chloe drama. Martin goes and explains all to Dot and Jim and they decide to all gang up and stage an intervention. Dot lures Moomin round to her house to help wash her net curtains, the sly minx.

The DoleScums have run out of baby food, dog food and normal-person-food. Rosie goes out on the scrounge, Mickney touts for work round the market and Keef washed the dog and sits on his worthless arse. Dumber is whining and begging for new trainers so the other kids don't make fun of him. Keef says that inner beauty is more important, etc. Dumber looks at the paper and says "Why don't you get this crappy tele sales job. Even you could do that!" Keef looks at a totally different part of the paper and says "Why no, that job would be totally unsuitable!". A light bulb goes off over Dumber's head when he realises that his old man can't read.

Mickney watches Fool's stall while Fool goes to lunch with Drippy. Curly and Lee tease him about his new girlfriend. They go to the restaurant set and worry that they are underdressed. FFS, unless you are in the Ritz no-one cares what you wear in a restaurant these days. They have a nice time (simpering, staring, etc). Drippy does the trick with the amaretto wrapper and Fool is enchanted by her magic skillz. They agree to do it again once Drippy is back from "visiting Sullen".

St MY Gus isn't talking to Juley. He tells Juley that the Hoodyed Claw is a mugger but Juley is all "what - ev - uh". Gus says he has to move out of the flat. Yolande (who is involved for some reason I do not fathom) says that Juley can stay at theirs and have a shower while Gus cools down. Trini-dad lends Juley one of Bad Bro's shirts and says that Juley reminds him of BB. Meanwhile, JoJo still isn't talking to Davetta. JoJo is hanging round the pub when Hoodyed Claw comes in and starts macking on her. she agrees to go with him to the portakabin and Davetta spots them together and runs off to tell her dad. In the portakabin, it looks like hoodyed CLaw is not going to take no for an answer, but then Tony bennet busts in just in time to save what is left of Jojo's "virtue". He is about to beat up the Claw, but Davetta asks him not to. He phones the cops and gets him arrested while JoJo runs home to cry (and still not talk to Davetta). Juley sees the arrest and apologises to Gus. Gus forgives him. Pushover.

The intervention is quite well acted (esp by Dot. Even Martin doesn't make a fool of himself). They seem to manage to convince Moomin that she is doing it for her own selfish reasons and that it will only hurt Chloe and Chloe's adopt-o-gran. They point out that ther eis no way Moomin is going to get the kid and discuss what is going to happen when Chloe is 18 and might/might not look for Moomin. There is a funny bit where Moomin says "Gawd, you abduct a baby once and they never let you forget about it!" Moomin finally breaks out the "but it feels right" excuse. So pitiful. Martin puts on a mean voice and says "If it's so right, then why have you lied about your identity, "PAMELA!!!"". Moomin gasps and runs away.

Demi doesn't believe that Keef can't read. Mo spots Rosie Klebb stealing a single poignant jar of baby food from the Kwik E Mart and tells not ot nick form local shops for local people. Rosie goes home, starts crying and tells Keef that she has hit rock bottom and has no dignity left - she doesn't care about his dignity any more so can he now please fuck off and get a job.

Martin finds Moomin alone, twitching, in a darkened room. She says they all think her maternal instincts have gone crazy. Well, you said it love. They back and forth some more and Martin finally says that she has to tell Adopt-o-Gran the shocking truth about "Pamela" or else he will tell her himslef. Gasp! Again!

TOO BUSY THINKIN' 'BOUT MOOMINBABY
Short, shoddy BBC crib tonight readers. Blame it on limited interweb access at work and an actual social life.

Moomin is still on the "it's my baby" tip. MMartin agrees to visit AGranny with her, but then chickens out at the last moment because he's scared that Moomin will get attached and try to steal the Moominchild again. Then he finds out that AGranny thinks Moomin's name is 'Pam' and Moomin wants him to be 'Mr Pam'. MMartin: scared, angry, and scarily right to be.

Rosie Klebb and Demi leave Keef in charge of Cute Baby Aleesha and the housework. Keef has trouble cleaning the sink, and doesn't realise that CBA's crying is down to teething troubles (what, he's had two kids and never worked that one out?), according to the list of instructions wot Demi wrote that he can't read because he's illiterate. Don't worry Keef, it was probably written in teenage txtspk, anyway. Rosie returns and tells him to watch TV while she sorts out the (burnt) dinner, because that's all he's good for.

Mickney sees Juley talking to The Hooded Claw and figures out that Juley selling stuff stolen by HC may have had something to do with them losing the stall. Juley does lots of pointing and shouting. Mickney waves his arms and shouts about getting mugged and putting food on his family's table. St MY Gus shakes his head and looks sad.

AGarry and Minty keep talking about their shagpad. Minty wants to set up a cleaning rota. AGarry says they'll just get the birds to clean up before they leave...maybe they're making a play for Poline and Rosie? Anyway, AGarry. Mo and Charlie interrupt a 'special lunch' that Drippy has prepared for Fool but it doesn't matter because Fool offers to take her out to the Posh Restaurant. Drippy, like Teen, appears to have no compunction about nicking her sister's leftovers.

JoJo won't go to college and get some qualifications because she's fed up with people telling her what to do, in true clueless teen fashion. Poline tells Tony Bennet that JoJo is a bad 'un who causes trouble wherever she goes. TB bans Davetta from ever seeing her again. JoJo: sad.

I BEG YOUR PARDON, I NEVER PROMISED YOU A ROSIE GARDEN

Many thanks to FilmFan and Sarah for manning the barricades while I was away. sorry this is late, blogger email updating can suck my left one, seriously.

The rehabilitation of the DoleScums begins here. Rosie Klebb tells the others that they have to start behaving so they aren't forced out of Walford by a lynch mob of torch wielding peasants. She touts round for extra work and snaps at Pat. Pat buys her a drink and sits her down and tells her to not be so defensive and bad tempered all the time. Rosie says that Pat obviously doesn't know what it's like for everyone to think you are common and no-good. Pat says "Chinny reckon!" and then hires Rosie to distribute fliers for the re-opened booky's office, which Pat is going to run
until Denman shows his pretty face again. Rosie gratefully accepts and then goes and apologises to Poline and says "You obviously don't know what it's like for people to accuse your husband of doing bad things, like say stealing the Xmas Club money". Poline Learns an Important Lesson, forgives her and takes a few fliers.

Davetta wants to be friends with Jojo again and turns to Curly of all people for advice – was her Magic 8-ball broken or something, because you would probably get more sense out of one of those. Curly says to apologise and, if that doesn't work, to buy her a present. Davetta buys a necklace from Mickney's House of Tat. Juley has been fencing stolen jewellery for the Knife-Wielding Mugger (apparently Juley owes
him a favour) who has the most horrendous Ali G style fake street accent ever, Aii! Davetta buys one of the dodgy bracelets and Curly helps her take it back when it breaks. When mickney refuses, Curly has one of his episodes and starts shouting and gnashing his teeth etc and the Market Inspector gets involved.

Charley speaks to Social Services or something, who says that JoJo should be in school. Also it is illegal for her to be working full time on account of how she is too young. Damn those pesky child labour laws. It's political correctness gone mad! As she is going home, Demi grabs a bucket of flowers with water from a stall and dumps them on Jojo's head. They have a super girly catfight but Rosie breaks it up, dropping all her leaflets in the water as she does so. Pat makes a hacky face. Jojo
still won't talk to Davetta, so she pushes the (new) jewellery through the letter box instead.

When TriniDad finds out the Betting shop is open, he has a funny turn and runs away from the shop. Yolande thinks he is placing a bet, but instead he is having Traumatic Flashbacks on Losers Bench about Bad Brutha, Byrite and all the shouting/overacting he did in the Betting Office. Yolande gives him some money and tells him to place a bet to make him feel better. Dot and Jim flap around and provide "comedy" asides, etc.

Moomin has taken to wearing this really sanctimonious expression on her face, like a brainwashed cult member or something. She argues with Martin about visiting Chloe and says she will never do it again. A few minutes later she meets him again and says she was actually lying and is going to carry on seeing Chloe for as long as she likes as it "feels like the right thing to do" and she "has to be sure the baybay
is being looked after properly". Aaargh! Her argument is that at least she is being honest instead of running round being mental behind his back. Good one. Martin tells her off and, as we have said many times before, you know you're in trouble when Martin comes across as the sensible one.

Drippy agrees to mind the stall while Fool sorts out some dental woes. she sells some expensive things for cheap, which is all Fool's fault for being too lazy to price his stock. I have no sympathy. Anyway, Fool doesn't care because he wuvs Drippy. There is lots of simpering and meaningful stares. I hate this couple already. Drippy is sad because she has to go away and visit Sullen. What are the chances that Sullen will come and visit them in the Square? Ha ha ha, only joking!

Rosie drags Demi home and is squealing at her to be good and make a good impression etc. She is saying that things are going to improve from now on but then Mickney comes in and says that the Market Inspector has shut them down forever for selling stolen goods.

RUBY MY DREAR
Not often you get Thelonious Monk and Eastenders in the same blog, eh?

It's a double blog this weekend because, quite frankly, I had better things to do. So, let's get a move on with the Moominchild storyline. Moomin starts Thursday being "thoughtful". MMartin mistakes "thoughtful" for "pissed off that he wouldn't let her go to Moominchild's adoptive parents' funeral", and tries to apologise. Moomin confesses that she went to the funeral anyway, and MMartin gets cross that she disobeyed his orders. Correct me if I'm wrong, but this is the 21st century, isn't it? Moomin argues that Moominchild is still their child - she even dances on close relatives' graves and everything. Lots of stomping about and shouting about how Moominchild should be with her proper family, even if she doesn't know Moomin from Adam. Lots of faffing around on Friday, but it ends with Moomin calling herself "Pam" and visiting Adoptive Granny to make sure she isn't a gin-swilling axe-murderer. Given that Moomin tried to steal the kid a few years ago, you'd think her features would be burned on every family member's consciousness, but Adoptive Granny welcomes Moomin into her home, and lets her drink tea in the same room as Devil Moominchild. Granny and Moominchild get on like a house on fire, despite Granny's dubious taste in wallcoverings. Moomin leaves and looks sad but thoughtful. Oh please. Drop this. Now.

I'm tempted to call TWIWAN Jap Stam because of her strangely domed, Dutch-footballer-forehead. Anyway, she's bored with lounging around in her negligee, being a 1960s mistress. So, get yourself down to Ikea and do something about that decor, missus. Oh well. She goes shopping with Little Mo, and bumps into Fool, who has combined a job lot of bunny ears with a bunch of old bikinis, and is trying to sell them as instant Bunny Girl outfits. Strangely, maybe because it's MARCH, or maybe because even East End men know that Life isn't an FHM cover story, the outfits aren't selling. That is until Domehead starts holding them against her skinny frame and saying: "ooh I'd wear this for my man...if I had one...which I don't....hello boys!". Lots of men round and start buying bunny outfits for their wives. FFS, isn't the divorce rate in Walford high enough? Rosie Klebb steals Easter eggs from Fool for the twins and feels bad when Fool foists some bunny ears on her for CB Aleesha.

TB tells Davetta that she's going back to Posh Boarding School until the end of June, when she can leave legally. I forget how Rainman finds out about this, but he does and uses his cabbie ready reckoner to work out that JoJo has been *gasp* telling LIES about not having to go to school after her 16th birthday. You'd think that with five girls - the youngest being barely out of knee-high socks - in the house he'd have worked that one out for himself. Anyway, JoJo is dragged out of the Kwik e Mart and has to think fast to stop herself being frogmarched back to Walford Comp before you can say "not even a grade E GCSE for Neat Colouring-In". JoJo claims that it's far too late to send her back to school, and they'd only get into trouble anyway, even if the authorities did notice. Hmmm...good truanting storyline missed there, eh producers? Tony Bennet sees her giving Ian some lip in the caff and does the "hmmm...moxie!" look. He pays her to spend time with Davetta while he slips off to slip one to TWIWAN/Domehead. Davetta is cross, but then she and JoJo bond over slagging off the entire square, very entertainingly. JoJo confesses her love for Mickney, but also tells Davetta that she grassed up the Dolescums to the Social. Pay attention. Important.

Meanwhile Minty and AGarry make a bid for the Ferreiraz' old flat, and invite Billy to move in with them. Hang on, wasn't it a two-bed? Billy looks suspicious. Pat irons his shirt for him, allowing us to dwell on his Groundskeeper Willie torso for a second or two, then offers him her spare room. Billy decides that he'd have more of a chance escaping from Pat's amorous advances than from AGarry/Minty.

DC Lucy and Ian go to the pub (that's not legal, surely?) and Ian tells her to stop being Evil Stepchild from Hell with PantoJane, or she'll be motherless again before she knows it.

There's more nonsense about Family: being a part of, on Friday. Rainman calls upon the other Slaters to rally around JoJo, and they all go down the pub to celebrate their togetherness...or whatever. Anyway, Davetta and TB are there too. TB invites JoJo to lunch, then Davetta goes to console Mickney about JoJo grassing the family up to the social. Mickney looks grim, then calls Rosie, who does the usual shouting and screaming guttersnipe act. JoJo channels Norman Tebbit for a few minutes, and the pub is stunned into silence. Then she turns on poor Davetta and Rainman has to intervene. Nooo! We want a Devil Teen Alliance!

THE END OF A FERR-ERA
I've just got back off holiday and am tired and confused - is it just me or has EE descended into a total miasma of dreariness?

Anywayyyy. There is some confusion as to whether Curly is looking after Tony Bennet's wierd looking daughter, what with her freaky eyebrows and rotten side parting. I quite like Curly's retro brown top. Jojo and Davetta chat and make tentative steps towards forming a Teen Girl Axis of Evil. The coppers come round as it turns out that Davetta ran away from school after beating up some other girl. There is a dreadfully acted scene where Davetta and Tony Bennett go on about whether he really loves her and pays attention etc. It turns out Davetta's mum and sister Scarlet (wtf? Scarlet and Ruby? Would the next kid have been called Vermillion?) died in a fire (OR DID THEY???) and Tony Bennet has been a Neglectful Father ever since. Tony stands up Twi-Wan for lunch. Could her hair be any more shiny and plastic looking? (answer: no) Twi-Wan offers to help with parenting or whatever but Tony packs her off to her tart's boudoifr to hang around in her underwear and eat chocolates, or whatever it is that kept women do in their spare time.

Moomin has a long boring speech where she tries to justify interfering in the life of her Moomin spawn - ie. "I just want to make sure that she is being looked after" - like they are going to sell her into child slavery or make her support herself or something. She ropes Jim into her dubious hi-jinks and they go to the funeral. Martin books a table for dinner and Poline moans that they are being too spendthrifty. Later on Poline tells Moomin that Martin is going to "splash out on her later". Dude, I didn't need to hear that. TMI and also: EWWWW!!!!
At the funeral Moomin lurks around being sanctimonious and officious. She spots baybay Chloe playing with some woman. Moomin - get out fast - Chloe is basically laughing and froliccing on her parent's grave and is obviously the child of Satan. Moomin blags an invite to the funeral tea. She says she has let Chloe go and throws the address away but later retreives it. Oh Moomin. How you disappoint me.

Kareena and Mickney get back together. OR DO THEY??? (I should stop doing that). Martina tells Adull that basically he is nice but boring and dumps him. They all discover what to do about the Tony Bennett situation and Ash goes along and says they can't afford to repay him for the stolen cars. Tony says they have to get out of Walford and leave him the business as payment. The boys talk about it and then decide to go and drive off into the sunset. Kareena says she will stay but then changes her mind and runs off to the job centre with her brothers. Martina dodges the bullet and gets to stay. Smell ya later, Ferreras.

Fight fight fight, fight fight fight: The Mickney and Juley Show
By FilmFan

TWIWAN wakes up in Tony Bennett’s shagpad again, to discover that TB "likes staring at her while she’s asleep". Ewww. Get out now, TWIWAN, while you still can.

It turns out that Ruby / Davetta has stayed over at Casa Moon. I don’t know about you, but I find this faintly disturbing. Lee thinks Curly will get the sack again but Curly’s all smug because he knows TB will be pleased that he saved his daughter. Except Davetta then changes her mind and tells Curly she doesn’t want to see her dad after all. Ruh roh!

The ‘Only Three Ferreraz At A Time’ rule has been violated in honour of their final week. Adull sees Martina leaving Billy’s Flat Of Shame and cries. Good. Later, Martina and Kareena are commiserating each other on the loss of their boyfriends when Adull comes in and has a go at Martina. Suddenly Kareena’s all "You slept with Billy Mitchell? Not cool, dude", forgetting that she was tonguing Juley a mere 48 hours previously.

World’s Stupidest Plotline alert. Martin discovers that Moomin has been on the phone to the paper about Chloe’s parents. She’s all "Who is looking after Chloe? I MUST KNOW!" Martin points out that Chloe has a new family of uncles, aunts and grandparents, all of whom have enough to deal with right now, thankyouverymuch, without Moomin showing up and demanding her bay-bay back. Martin actually has a point for once. Moomin’s all "This isn’t about ME", but there isn’t a viewer in the land who didn’t go "Oh yes it is" at that point. Later Moomin interrupts TriniDad and Jim’s male-bonding Beer and Not Porn session (although I prefer to believe TriniDad’s ‘How did that get
there?’ was genuine because he was expecting porn - perhaps even the tape of
Slutty and Byrite) and gets weepy over some old baby photos. Jim has an
uncharacteristically sensitive moment (Moominpapa powers activate?) and
tries to comfort her but he doesn’t find out about Chloe.

Mickney is moping to Rosa Klebb in the kitchen. Taking literal-mindedness to impressive extremes, he has interpreted Kareena vomiting all over him as a sign of rejection. He then opens the door to discover that Keef, Demi and Dumber have all been listening, non-comedy style. Dumber makes a smartarse vomit-related comment about Mickney’s effect on women. Mickney: sad. He goes to the market stall and confronts Juley. At one point they’re so close that
it looks as though they’re about to kiss, but they fight instead. It’s a better fight than the last one and Juley pretty much kicks Mickney’s arse.

Luckily St Gus arrives just in time to break it up. Hurrah! Later, St Gus and Rosa Klebb are consoling Mickney in the caff and St Gus’s eyes light up with A Cunning Plan. Sadly, this Cunning Plan only appears to involve texting Kareena from Mickney’s phone. Yawn. (Who will Mickney get off with once Kareena leaves, anyway? Perhaps another blogpoll is in order?)
Curly shows up for work and TB tells him he’s sacked. Again. He makes a lot of nasty comments about Curly being a "man-child" and a "boy trapped in a man’s body", so it’s not just us who have noticed that Curly’s a bit sub-normal. (I still say the Of Mice and Men thing is deliberate). TB starts ragging on Lee and Curly’s dad and Curly turns the tables for once, saying that TB’s hardly in a position to criticise, father-wise. TB: rattled. So, anyway, Curly basically grasses up Davetta and takes TB to meet Ruby.

Reading between the lines, we discover that Davetta has probably run away from school and that TB moved house without telling her, which is kind of harsh. Also, TB doesn’t yet know that she was almost mugged - this may be Important For Later. Or it may not. Later, TB tells Curly he’s not sacked after all and entrusts Davetta to his care, telling him to move her into the
flat. (There’s also a hint that she knows who TWIWAN is). When they get to the flat, Davetta spots TB’s Shrine To The Gorgeous Blonde and gets upset, saying that the Mystery Blonde is her sister and is not around anymore. Any other character at this point (Pat, say) would ask her why, but no, we get stupid Curly instead and he’s more interested in checking out the flat.

Davetta runs away and Curly just stands there like an idiot instead of going after her. (He doesn’t bother looking for her either - in his next scene he’s having coffee with Lee in the caff).
It turns out that Adull was so distraught at breaking up with Martina that he forgot to lock all of TB’s cars. Result: they’ve all been nicked. Ha ha! Sucks to be you, Ferreraz. They get together and decide to tell TB the truth, reasoning that he’ll have insurance. Unfortunately, he doesn’t and he orders the Ferrreraz to come up with the price of the cars or the cars themselves by 6pm. Whoops. Cheerio then, Ferreraz. I’d say it was nice knowing you, but we both know that would be a lie.

WHINEY BLONDERAMA
Sham starts this Friday night's excitement by whining to Minty about him deserting her for a manly flatshare with AGarry. The scales have truly fallen from Minty's eyes when he mutters that Sham's blonde enough to get some other mug to look after her before long. AGarry is steeling himself for desertion when Minty saunters into work, but is soon dreaming of long nights in front of the telly with Minty by his side.

Curly isn't blonde, but he sure is wet. Instead of getting himself down the jobcentre, he's trailing around after Tony Bennet - not difficult, even Tony Soprano doesn't spend this much time hanging out so many low-rent dives as TB - begging for his bouncer's job back. TB eventually caves in, and Curly promises not to screw up this time. TB's face says: "yeah yeah..."

JoJo and Rainman go over to the Kwik-E-Mart and 'fess up to the fake mugging. Yolande sucks her teeth silently and storms off, but TriniDad sees an opportunity for some good old-fashioned Dickensian child labour, and sets her to cleaning out the drains with a toothbrush.

LadyDen's hair is practically Farah Fawcett, and her mind is almost as far gone. She gets a necklace in the post that turns out to be a BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM THE GRAVE off O-Den, and goes a bit twittery when Lee tries to undo the clasp. Sham notices that she's even twitchier than usual, and is less bothered than she should be when LadyDen offers her a partnership in the Vic so that she can bleed it dry through sheer stupidity rather than getting LadyDen to put in all the hard work. Mr P and I started speculating on the possibility of a Lezzer Black Widow plot, where Sham lures rich old geezers upstairs with the promise of hot girl on girl action, and the cellar floor gets raised by six inches every few months...

I've been reading too much Sarah Waters...

Oh yes, Martina dumps Adull after some stuff involving a toy snake. Adull's too good for this crap anyway. M then picks Billy up, and they get it on, then both say it's a big mistake. The end. Bye Martina.

While JoJo is engaged in Dickensian Child Labour, a girl dressed in posh school uniform and looking uncannily like a very young Davy Jones of Monkees fame (ask your parents, kiddies). Davetta wanders around the square, then is shocked when she sees the nightclub sign, and nearly gets run down by TWIWAN's taxi. TWIWAN doesn't recognise her boyfriend's kid, so that's Important, isn't it? JoJo takes little Davetta under her wing, and tries to find out why she threw a wobbler, but Davetta legs it into the streets. Curly turns her away from the club (insert lame joke about School Disco here), and she sends a text message while backing away...into the arms of The Hooded Claw! Oh alright then, it was the only mugger in East London, after her cameraphone, apparently. Curly saves her, and finds out that wee Davetta is in fact Tony Bennet's daughter. And she's probably called Scarlett, or her mum was, or her dad has a secret thing for Vivien Leigh...oh, I dunno. Neither do I care much. TB receives a text message, but doesn't know what to do with it.

Moomin and Martin decide to have a night out, and bring Mickney and Kareena together. While the Moomins are getting jiggy in the toilets, Mickney and Kareena drink copious amounts and Kareena is sick in front of TB. Mickney takes her home. Moomin and Martin go home, and Moomin gets an irresistable urge to read the paper where she discovers that Moominbaby's adopted parents have both died in a car crash. What are the chances of that happening, eh?

WHERE DID JOJO'S MOJO GO?
By FilmFan
Tina Who Is Without A Nickname wakes up in TonyBennet’s new shagpad. She
hints that TB is some sort of super-stud and they’ve been at it all night,
which is frankly way too much information while I’m eating my tea. TB
obviously hopes she’ll stay in her flat FOR THE REST OF HER LIFE and tells
her to stay put while he gets breakfast, but she displays the first
flutterings of what we can only hope is "moxie" and goes out to get her own
breakfast. She is immediately lusted after by every male in the Square,
especially AGarry, who is so excited he runs over Minty’s foot. Later on she
accidentally tells Pat that her old flat has "a whiff of brothel" about it
and manages to briefly unite LadyDen and Sham in their jealousy of her. She
also rejects Curly (twice) and gets knocked back by Lee and no-one guesses
she’s TB’s goomah, even when she whispers in his ear in the club, in front
of everyone.

Curly must be on some new medication. He tries to tell Billy that he’s TB’s
"number two" or something. Billy’s all, "Whatever, loser". TB tells Billy to
work out everything the Ferreiraz owe him, "down to the last penny". Clearly
no-one has told TB that Billy’s not the sharpest tool in the box. Later on,
Scalliq and Martina confess to TB that they’ve been using his cars. TB’s not
happy but at least he doesn’t start pouting like Adull does. It looked like
Martina was dumping Adull but sadly we didn’t get to see him cry, although
he does whine a lot. Fuck off, Adull.

Poline and Pike have gone out for the evening. MMartin hopes for a night of
Hot Loving from Moomin but she has homework. He tries to wait for her to
finish but falls asleep instead. Lame. Why did they even bother filming
this?

Dumber has a nasty cold or something. The Dolescums fret around saying that
he needs medicine. Dumber’s hardly at death’s door, but this is still enough
reason for Rosie Klebb to shoplift from the Kwik-E-Mart. That didn’t take
long, did it? And only last week she was telling Demi that shoplifting was
Evil and Bad and Wrong. Tsk.

DC Lucy is still upset over JoJo and the Ear-rings Of Shame. PantoJane
cracks and tells the Bealemeister, making him promise not to go off on one.
Of course, he goes off on one and frog-marches DC Lucy over to tell Rainman
Charlie The Truth. Meanwhile, JoJo has been putting the moves on Mickney and
persuades him to take her to LadyDen’s birthday party at the club. She snogs
Mickney just as Kareena turns up. Kareena: horrified. With impeccable
timing, Rainman Charlie, the Bealemeister, DC Lucy and PantoJane then show
up and confront JoJo about the Fake Mugging. Mickney uses this as a good
excuse to make a run for it. JoJo gives DC Lucy a look that says, "You’re
dead, bitch" and confesses. And then…nothing happens. Rainman takes her home
and gives her yet ANOTHER peptalk, telling her she’s faaaaamily now.
Whatever. It’s hard to believe the Bealemeister let her off so lightly,
although he does get off a good line about JoJo being like the girl in The
Exorcist. Um…Bealemeister? Pot? Kettle? Remind you of anything?

Meanwhile, back at the club, LadyDen’s party is in full swing. Lee finally
gets her alone in the office, on the promise of a photo of TB’s legs from
his boxing days. They snog and also spot Curly and Sham running off for a
quick shag on the CCTV, although they’re back seconds later so Curly’s
obviously got it down to a fine art.

AGarry tries and fails to chat up Tina Who Is Without A Nickname (TWIWAN).
Minty finally grows a pair and tells Sham that he and Garry are moving in
together and they don’t care who knows it. Kareena cries on Juley’s shoulder
and ends up snogging him. Mickney arrives and he and Juley have a fight, but
sadly it’s all off camera. TB breaks up the fight and takes Juley into the
office. He makes him empty his pockets and Juley reluctantly hands over all
his coke. TB tells Juley to get ahhht of his club or it’ll be his funeral.
He then sacks Curly for not somehow knowing that Juley had a shitload of
coke. Curly: sad.

SHALLOW, DULL AND PROFOUNDLY DEPRESSING
They really are ripping up the original post-DeadDen scripts and rewriting them based on ideas found in the toilets of selected Elstree hostelries, aren't they? Well, the word on the walls of the Ferret and Clapperboard is that we need some non-comedy shenanigans with Dot, Jim and a hi-tech burglar alarm. It wakes up the whole square, and Poline is cross when Dot says she can't leave the house in case she walks across a motion sensor and sets it off again. Big Mo sees a big removal van backing up to Tony Bennet's new house, and decides that means he's loaded. Umm..Mo, it's a removal van, they're all that big. Just because he can't fit his entire world into the back of a 1975 Hackney carriage doesn't mean he's Alan Bloody Sugar, ferchrissakes. She takes a bag of sugar round to Tony's and noses around his stuff. Tony's busy looking sentimentally at a picture of a blonde JoJo-a-like to notice that the door was on the latch. Look mate, I know you're a big time pimp gangsta, but...you're supposed to be a Londoner, remember? This is what happens when you hire scriptwriters who live in a place where locks are considered the Work of the Horned One (NB: Grace, "Lucifer" or "Beelzebub" might be good substitutions here).

Sham's evil twin has been shopping. She learns that it's LadyDen's birthday and "accidentally" lets slip about the big surprise party that Lee is planning for her. LadyDen looks quizzically at Lee, who is enjoying being Tony's Quentin because it lets him sit around a lot and plan parties for murdering pub landladies. Teen says that Sham and LadyDen are both sick and sad, and she's had enough of them. Her spine must have grown magically overnight.

Teen advises Kareena that if Mickney is still angry over the cocaine thing, then "maybe it's not to be". Well, thank you Claire Rayner.

Billy and Curly are helping Pat to move her tat over to the new house. Billy and Pat bond over a cup of tea, and Pat mumbles something about being old and alone. She also warns Billy about Tony. Billy looks nervous. Later Tony asks him to check up on the Ferreirazz and I have to answer the phone, so I don't see exactly what happens, but whatever it is, it's bad. Billy doesn't say anything to Tony, but Scalliq confesses anyway. Tony marches over to the Ferreirazz and we're all set for a major machine-gun rampage with razor-wielding ninja kittens and everything...oh. Tony tells Billy to work out a repayment plan for all the stolen petrol and tyre wear, then he admires Scalliq's suit - which must be really smelly now that he's been wearing nothing else for a month. Billy twitches, then Tony tells him not to believe everything Pat says about him. NB: I actually wrote Byrite in that last sentence, because that was such a Byrite thing to do.

Ian's worried about Devil Child Lucy and JoJo. PantoJane asks DCL what's wrong and DCL admits that her new diamondique earrings came from JoJo's fake mugging profits. Whatevah.

So anyway, in the pub, Poline's casting hacky looks over at Tony, which is EE producer-speak for "The Evil Witch hates him: therefore he is Good. Well, this week anyway". Tony is busy buying drinks for all and buttering up Dot with apt quotations from the Bible. You wouldn't get round my gran that easily, mate. He tells Lee not to go around frightening small children and old ladies with tales of Tony's hardness: Byrite had to go, but now that life is behind him. Lee looks sceptical.

Meanwhile, another lady with a demiwave accosts Tony, and they go off to embrace secretly in Pat's old gaffe. I think Tony is moving Demiwave into the old bedsits, and she's going to redecorate the house, but their love must remain secret because that's how it has always been or something. Tony looks a bit wistful when he does the duplicity-over-the-shoulder thing.

Lucy on the Sly, with Diamondique

Another stunningly inconsequential episode – maybe the writing staff
were so excited about the death of O-Den that they forgot to think up
anything to happen afterwards. Anyway, Pat starts moving her stuff (a
collection of novelty teapots by the look of it) into her new house.
She is sorting out all of Byrite and Sham's old stuff when Sham barges
in and starts whining that it is her house (WAS her house, WAS –
grammar is tricky for a mental midget like Sham). Pat tries to give
Sham her old wedding photo album but she doesn't want it and stomps
off.

Sham continues to blackmail LadyDen. Teen continues to be nervous.
Ladyden continues to snap at Drippy and act put upon. Wake me up when
something actually happens with this plot.

Minty and Agarry look for their new love nest. Minty says he is going
to tell sham that he is moving but then she whines about having a bad
day, so he doesn't.

Billy has his first day working for Tony Bennet. His first mission,
should he choose to accept it, is to collect a mysterious package –
which turns out to be caviar or fish paste or something. Lame. Billy
bickers with Curly a bit. Tony tells them to keep an eye out for the
mystery, hooded mugger and later charms Dot and Poline by offering to
get burglar alarms for them.

JoJo goes back to work and acts like a brave little soldier to squeeze
more sympathy out of Yolande. Yolande says that JoJo is not such an
evil little vixen as she first suspected. Yolande and Patrick bicker
about Patrick being rubbish in the shop – boring, can't they rustle up
another adorable foster urchin or something. When Jojo finds out that
Mickney has been mugged, she goes round to offer sympathy. There is
not a mark on Mickney by the way, despite the beating he took last
week. Jojo and Mickney bond over their mugging trauma and Jojo makes
them cheese on toast, thus ruining Rosie Klebb's carefully thought out
rationing scheme. Kareena asks why he didn't tell her he was mugged
and Mickney says something like "what's it to you, coke fiend?"

JoJo is mean to DC Lucy and makes fun of Ian. DC Lucy uses her devil
powers to look deep into Jojo's soul (and also spots all the new
jewellery/handbags etc that Jojo is touting around) and guesses that
she kept the mugging money. Jojo immediately starts acting friendly
again and bribes her with some Pat stylee dangly diamondique ear
rings. Ian runs after Jojo to give her her purse, which she forgot,
and Curly thinks that he is mugging her and bangs his head against a
skip a few times before Billy and Tony Bennet pull him off.

Pat is in the pub and Poline, Dot and Mo are all making sarcky remarks
about her fancy new house. Pat is sad. Don't let the haytas get you
down, Pat – they are not worthy! All Seeing All Powerful Tony Bennet
comes over to cheer her up and tells her not to worry and that she is
perfectly entitled to keep the house. Pat is worried about losing the
deposit on her old flat but Tony says he will sort it out for her.
Later on, Pat is rearranging her teapots when Tony comes round with a
bottle of champagne. Ring a ding ding! They talk about regrets and
their pasts etc. Zzzz. Tony dodges the question when Pat asks if he
has a special lady friend and leaves her feeling more cheerful. Once
he is out of the house he rings someone up and tells them they can
move in (I assume he is installing his mistress in Pat's old flat as a
shag pad).