NEW MOONS
The Old Moons wake up in their icy Dickensian flat. Fool and Backstreet are in bed together. Hmmm. Ethel 2.0 whines about the cold. Fool is all ludicrously optimistic etc but Backstreet is all "dude, we're fucked!". Well, you will be with that kind of attitude, young man! Backstreet settles Ethel in the caff while Fool tries to get a job so he can afford to fix the electrics. After a bit Rainman offers to let Ethel 2.0 spend the day at his house and Fool gets a job minding the stall for Teen while she goes shopping.

The two new "sexy" Moon cousins arrive. One of them is apparently Lee from the Office and the other one is new (and a noticably worse actor). Lee has got steely blue eyes and the other one has got curly dark hair and looks a bit latin or something. Surprisingly he is the fiery impetuous one. They re not bad, I suppose. It turns out they are from Manchester. (Is it actually possible for people to come to Walford from Manchester?? I sense a great disturbance in the Force). Hopefully I will be able to come up with a reason to call one of them Button Moon! Fiery Moon has stolen a bag containing drugs and fake money from some bad men and they had to go on the lam. They break into the Vic looking for Fool and then wander round the square, argue with O-Den (Fiery nicked his wallet in the Vic) and are generally annoying. Inexplicably, Fiery breaks into Poline's (?) house to hide the Bag of More-Crime-Storylines.

A-Garry can't cope in the Arches without his little friend Minty. He tells Bealemeister to sort it out, bitch. PantoJane isn't answering her phone. Chez Minty, Ian apolgises. Minty says he has to look after Sham and that Bealemeister should cut him some slack. No sign of Sham, but I like to imagine she is locked in her room painting her entire face with lipstick and freaking out like Diane Ladd in "Wild at Heart".

Fool starts out shit on the stall but then presses the button on his back that turns his "Annoying Factor" up to 11 and sings and degrades himself to sell nasty clothes. Byrite mocks him. He runs into Lee and is all "Grrr, what are you doing here. It was your idiot brother that got me sent to prison". Is it some Law of Physics that every Moon male comes in a set with a more stupid annoying one?

DI Baldster asks Kyert to come back top the police and use her amazing manicure skillz TO FIGHT CRIME!!! Kyert gazes dreamily into space and imagines herself singing "All that Jazz" whilst wearing black fishnet stockings.

I don't really know what's going one with those stupid Wattseses. O-Den is being arsey with LadyDen about missing Shazza and Vuh-vuh-vickney. Teen talks to O-Den about the faux baby drama shenanigans. She keeps saying that Denman loves her whatever. O-Den arranges for a family drink in the vic and outs Teens "pregnancy" by saying she shouldn't drink in her condition. Everyoen is all "a who's in the what now?" and Teen says that she is with Denman's child. Denman looks a bit bemused. L:ater Teen takes O-Den to one side and tells him off for manipulating her. He points out that he heard Denman say he only loves Teen for her ovearies or something. Oh, I don't know.

Ethel 2.0 has some kind of fit so all the Moons rush round to see her - it's just the flu. Zzzz. She is pleased to see the new Moons. They take her home and Lee fixes the electrics (or, given the general levels of cretin-tude running through this family, puts 50p in the metre). Fool says they can stay for one night and Lee makes a smug face.

COCKED UP KNEES-UP / SATAN AND THAT RED DRESS (aka THE XMAS EPISODE THAT TIME FORGOT)

(by guestblogger ACE!!! this should hgave been posted at xmas but my parent's poxy computer didn't work so I had to wait til I got home to sort it out. I'm sure you'll agree that it was worth the wait...)

It's Christmas morning in the Square and the residents are preparing
for the big day. Teen and Denman celebrate their first xmas together by exchanging rather meaningless gifts. Teen gets him a gym membership and Denman has managed to find the one pair of gloves in London that manage to contain Teen's giant manhands. They argue a bit about O-Den throwing the Moons out on their bums on Xmas Eve, but head over to the Vic nevertheless.

Meanwhile Billy gives Drippy her anniversary present and has bought Cute Baby Fred a toy that he can't play with for a good few years because it is useless to shop for a baby or so he says. Hows about a stuffed animal, you muppet? Eh? Drippy nods approvingly/annoyingly (cross whatever you feel is less appropriate) but wonders what Fool would have gotten CBF.

The Dolescums celebrate Xmas with Keef dressed up as Father Xmas. He
gets Rosie Klebb something red and saucy and Demi and Dumber are disgusted
and so is half the nation as they meet up with Xmas dinner again. Anyway,
Dumberer has gotten Demi the Donkey from the nativity as a pressie but she
doesn't want it because now that she has Cute Baby Aleesha (CBA?) she wants
nothing else but nappies and sleepless nights. What-ev-ah.

In the Vic, while Lady Den is channeling her inner Delia Smith over Xmas dinner, SantaDen is arranging for Teen and Denman to fly off to Barbados together to seperate the newly hotted up Crypto Incest Madness again. Vickney presents Shazzatella (I'm sure her hair is a tribute to that nickname ;) ) with the most hideous handbag known to man and I start imagining her clobbering Teen with it later in a "handbags at dawn" moment, but alas, she doesn't even smack Vickney across the face with it....now that would be a Xmas dream come true.

Fool and Backstreet wake up in the Bealemeister's chip van and Fool plans to
get Ethel 2.0 and leave Walford for good. Backstreet whines that this is their home and that they can't leave their friends. What friends you fuckwit? Anyhoo, Fool gets their stuff from the Vic and decides to call a cab on Xmas day conveniently forgetting that he didn't take O-Den's wad of cash last night. Moron.

In the Vic the Weird Family sit down for Xmas dinner courtesy of
LadyDelia while Shazza and Denman pull a cracker which contains a hideous pink
ring of Crypto Incest Destiny which Denman hides away from Teen's grubby
manhands. SantaDen presents Teen and Denman with the tickets to BArbados and that
is where the shit hits the fan. Denman comes out (don't get too excited)
with his Crypto Incestuous Love for Shazzatella and Teen goes into hissy fit
overdrive quite convincingly. SantaDen vows that this will happen over his
dead body (wait for it, mate) and follows Teen to the stairs. LadyDelia, in
good EE tradition, bursts into a fit of anger and smashes half the Moon
family china on the floor. Nothing says good landlady as smashing a few
bits and bobs round Xmas time. I can't wait for her dominance of the Vic!
Meanwhile SantaDen puppetmasters Teen into faking a pregnancy to keep
Denman by her broad shoulders and away from Shazzatella. She reluctantly tells
Denman that she is carrying his spawn and Shazza goes into super jaw
wobbling mode and strops off to Weird Family Central.

The wrinklies turn up for Xmas dinner at the Vic and SantaDen does his
best Scrooge and cancels their Xmas dinner. Ruh Roh! The locals then badger
Fool into holding a Xmas party at Casa Bealemeister. The whole square rallies
round to organise the do under the guise of "community spirit". Ethel
2.0 has one of her clear moments and calls O-Den "The Dark Lord" which I
find rather amusing but that could have been the alcohol laughing.
Bealemeister reluctantly agrees to have the peasants enter his Kingdom but softens
up when PantoJane graces him with a visit. In the end she even promises
him some nookie so that is a definate go-ahead on the Bride of Bealemeister
part IV then! You just know CJDave is going to pop his clogs Boxing day
morning.

Meanwhile in the Flat-of-not-so-Immaculate-Conception Teen does her
best to trap Denman into her web of lies. She's even poignantly touching her
belly in a deja Simpleton way. I can see months and months of "I am pregnant,
you know" coming up. Yawn! Denman escapes the web narrowly so SantaDen
suggests Teen uses her bellytouching powers on barren Sharon instead. O-Den goes
from SantaDen to SatanDen there, dear readers.

LadyDelia and Vickney go over to Casa Bealemeister to smooth things
over with the locals with a couple of bottles of bubbly. Poline and Vickney
share their last scene together before Vickney.... oh hell we all know she is
leaving. She also has a mistletoe moment with Backstreet which is quite
sweet actually.

Shazzatella decides that she should be the one to leave so Denman can
support his spawn. Joint custody ring any bells Shazza? She jaw-wobbles
as she tells Denman the news and he squints, cries and is actually quite
convincing but as the rest of the nation above the age of 15 I am glad
this Crypto Incest Madness is finally over.

At Casa Bealemeister the local female cronies strut their stuff to
"Sexbomb" Yep, think about the comedy in that one! Fool thanks Drippy for helping
him save Xmas for the last time in Walford and low and behold they find
themselves under the mistletoe......oooh the suspence, the wit, the
clever writing....blah blah blah bah humbug! The kiss and almost get caught by
Billy, CBF and the half of Walford! Ruh Roh again! Fool decides to stay
in Walford. For Drippy? Are you F***ing serious? He forgot the cabbie and can't pay his bill so the locals chip in in the name of community spirit again or so we are meant to believe.

SatanDen has one-to-ones with both of the Crypto Incest Lovers and
Denman menages to totally outshines daddy dearest in the acting department.
S-Den tells Shazza that he loves her 1000 times more than Vickney just as the
latter walks in on them. She decides to strop off and join Shazza into
going to New Yoik. Lame-ass departure storyline I hear you say. Yep!

Outside the Vic Denman tells Teen that he is going to be a favver to
her faux-baby and she hugs him with her gigantic masculine arms. For a
moment I think she is choking the poor thing but he seems to be OK after she
lets go. Shazzatella and Vickney get into a black cab (original) and Denman
gives Shazza his love with the hideous pink ring of Crypto Incest Destiny and
tells her he will love her forevah and evah! Slade's Merry Xmas
everybody plays as the cab drives off and we end on "it's only just begun" Damn I
thought this was the end of this Crypto Incestuous Crap! Or is it the
beginning of a new era for EastEnders? Duh Duh Duuuuh!

Blogged by Ace.

LA LA LOVE YOU
Oh boy, missed the first ten minutes because of family stuff, but...

O-Den hassles Teen some more about Baybay of Deception and making Denman stay. Denman's been wandering the streets at night, howling (have you seen the frost on those windows, EE producers? The poor boy's lucky not to have lost a toe). He can't face going home, but O-Den says he's got a baybay to worry about now, and that he should tell Teen that he loves her, even if he doesn't. Denman goes home, finds Teen pacing about, fretting about her future, and says: "No. Don't. Go. I. Love. You." I've seen more emoting from Mr Spock in a Jeffries tube. Teen's phantom pregnancy hormones have definitely kicked in, because she believes him.

LadyDen announces to Kyert that she's leaving the hairdressing trade to become a glorified barmaid. Kyert: sad. Bald Geordie copper comes over for a drink, and asks her if she fancies working as Spender's glamorous, tough-talking partner with a heart of gold. Kyert says she's perfectly happy doing nails and practising her foxtrot for now, thank you. Yeah, right. Bet she's counting the days before she starts on Chicago...

Byrite goes over to Sham's with her clothes and starts shouting about how she tried to ruin him. ooooh...somebody didn't get their cup of tea at the right temperature this morning. Sham snivels. Byrite gets bored and decides to offer O-Den some money for the club. O-Den's still mooning about, missing Shazz and saying the pub's not the same without her. LadyDen's miffed and tells him to get over himself and sell the club to Byrite while he's at it. Byrite comes over later with a very generous offer, but O-Den says he still won't sell to an evil drug baronet, and his ninja kittens can do their worst for all he cares. LadyDen: very fed up.

Fool tries to nick some spuds from the chippy, and Ian gets cross with Backstreet for letting him. It's staff problems all over for Ian. Minty's worried about Sham, and takes a break to check up on her. Ian finds out and tells him off. Minty quits. AGarry sticks up for Minty, and Ian realises that empires need happy minions. Again. Oh, and he leaves a message for PJane, who appears to have run off after making the Beale with two backs. Maybe he said that he was in charge in mid-coitus or something.

Minty has to top up Sham's mobile because she doesn't have the money to pay for such luxuries like mobile bills and shampoo.

O LITTLE TOWN OF BETHLEDEN
By our special Festive Guest Blogger: Filmfan

O-Den’s gutted because he can’t afford to buy Shazza’s share of the club. (What? Not even with the Wattses Hidden Millions?) He tells Denman to start packing things up because the club is for sale. Denman whines and asks for Shazza’s number, but O-Den’s all, "No chance, sister-shagger". Denman strops round to Byrite and gives him his money back, letting slip that the club is for sale. There’s also a bit where Byrite is moaning about his marriages and Denman actually says: "That’s because you don’t like women". A nation nods, wisely.

Fool and Drippy decide that their kiss should be The Kiss That Must Never Be Spoken Of Again. Meanwhile, Billy's thinking of having CBF christened. Dolescum Keef remembers when all his kids were christened at the same time. He mentions that Mickney's not actually his biological son, but that he's always treated him like he is. (Oh yeah, scriptwriters? Does Mickney know?) Billy has a look that says: "So I’m not the only man bringing up another man’s kid after all. Hurrah!" Later he asks Fool to be CBF’s godfather and Fool panics because he thinks Drippy has told Billy about The Kiss Of Shame. Yawn.

Poline has another go at O-Den, accusing him of not taking family seriously enough. He tells her she has no right to lecture him about parenting. Well, maybe not, but you’d never catch Poline doing naughty things over the internet.

Sham is still staying at Minty’s. Minty doesn’t know what makes him happier: the fact that Sham is lounging round his house in sweatpants all day or his Shiny New MP3 Player (or one of those things the kidz all have these days). Byrite barges past Minty and confronts Sam with a bill for £200 that the Bealemeister gave him from the Arches. He demands to be paid by the end of the day. Byrite sneers at Sham when she pleads poverty. At the cash machine, she sees that Byrite has emptied out their joint account and admits to Minty that she was "too stupid" to think of it first. No shit. Sham says that she still needs £200 and, oh, that’s a nice new toy Minty, how much did that cost? Minty then sells his MP3 player to the Bealemeister and pays Byrite, begging him not to leave Sham with nothing. Byrite laughs an Evil Laugh.

PantoJane feels guilty for totally doing it with the Bealemeister on Christmas Day when she should have been by CJDave’s side. The Bealemeister puts his foot in it by tactfully suggesting that it’ll be a relief when CJDave finally carks it. D’oh! Nice one, Bealemeister. PantoJane goes and tells Kyert that she’s married and that she blames her Night Of Lust with the Bealemeister for CJDave’s pneumonia, Instant Karma-style. (CJDave only has weeks to live apparently, so not long now, readers). The Bealemeister arrives with a present (Minty’s MP3 player) and apologises, but PantoJane’s not having any of it and sends him packing. Bealemeister: sad.

O-Den advises Teen to stop moping and concentrate on getting herself knocked up. Later on, Byrite slow-claps her in the Square, saying that she got what she wanted. Denman apologizes for telling Byrite. And Dot. Teen begs him to admit that he loves her. Denman’s all "Grrr. Argh. Confused" and storms out. Again.

TWO UNWISE DENS
by our Special Festive Guest Blogger: FilmFan

The Bealemeister wakes up naked in PantoJane’s arms, with a shit-eating grin on his face. Not the first thing you want to see after a two day Christmas blow-out, really. Fool and Backstreet have spent the night in the Bealemeister’s living room. The Midwich Twins persuade Fool to do some impromptu karaoke, but thankfully he is put off by the sight of PantoJane emerging from the Bealemeister Boudoir. The Bealemeister wants some more Hot Lovin’ but PJ feels guilty and runs off to be with CJDave for a bit.

Teen’s not too comfortable with lying about the Baby Of Deception, which is a surprise, given that the other night she was all, "But Shazza, HIS CHILD IS INSIDE ME!" Denman agrees with her that they shouldn’t tell anyone else just yet and then rushes off to tell Dot. Dot tells him to THINK OF THE CHILD. Meanwhile O-Den urges Teen to keep schtum or she’ll lose Denman. Teen: conflicted.

Meanwhile, back in the Vic, it’s business as usual for O-Den. LadyDen looks fabulous behind the bar - it’s a shame O-Den has to leave, really. Jim and Dolescum Keef waste no time in ensuring that their various freeloading arrangements are still valid under the new management. Poline comes in and discovers that Vickney has gone without saying goodbye. Poor Poline. Shazza phones and asks O-Den to sell the club. O-Den: sad. He immediately takes it out on the regulars, telling them to put up or shut up but LadyDen’s all, "Get a grip, loser" and he offers everyone a free drink instead.

Fool promises Ethel and Backstreet that he’ll find them somewhere else to live by the end of the day. PantoJane uses her Panto Skillz and goes into Fairy Godmother mode. She badgers the Bealemeister and they trick the Slum Landlord into coming round to the Chip Shop flat. Fool talks his way into the flat (some rubbish about dogs, which is a bit stupid) and the Bealemeister ponies up the deposit. Judging by the Bealemeister’s recent generous streak, it would appear that all Scrooge really needed was to get laid. Later, PantoJane persuades Dot, Jim, the Millers etc to decorate and tidy Fool’s Plaice(sic). As they’re celebrating, PJ receives a call from the hospice to say that CJDave’s got pneumonia. PJ: guilty. Also, Fool corners Drippy under the mistletoe and totally snogs her, seconds before Billy comes in. Drippy: confused...and yet strangely aroused.

LITTLE DENKEY, LITTLE DENKEY, ON A LONELY ROAD
Merry Christmas Everybody! I woke up with dysentery, but poor old Denman and Fool got an even rougher deal. Denman is busy trying to hide his runaway tickets to New York from Teen (see that Shazz? She's got class...no scurrying off to Costa Del Furwank for her. She goes to a city with decent shops in it). Teen: still blissfully unaware that a pleurisy-invoking cleavage and 24 hour limpet impersonations are not the way to Keep Your Man.

Fool wakes up in a van with Backstreet. And he's got a plan. They're moving to Kent to live with Maxwell and his silver hammer collection. Backstreet talks sense for the first time in his life and says he'd rather live in the van.

Poline and Gay Pike prepare for the first Christmas meal ever not cooked by Poline or something like that. Which means it'll be edible for once. The Dolescums are wondering what to do with the donkey that Dumber stole for Demi's Xmas present. In the end, Mickney and Dumber dump it around at Poline's and Gay Pike is happy to get his donkey back...whatever.

O-Den tells Shazz that he wants her to run the pub with and pass on the club to Teen and Denman. Shazz isn't keen, probably because she's got over her Dad fixation now that she's got a brother to fix on instead. Shazz and Denman escape to the house to "get crackers", which is what the young people appear to be calling it these days. Shazz gives Denman a watch with "4evah" engraved on it, and there's a conversation about getting plastic cracker rings from boyfriends and fathers getting rid of said ring. Now pay attention you at the back, this might be Important For Later. Teen's suspicious about Denman and Shazz giggling in corners and humming snatches of On The Town every few minutes, but O-Den tells her she's got nothing to worry about.

Minty's cooking Christmas dinner for Sham, who appears to be wearing his clothes and wandering around his flat, snivelling every time somebody looks at her. Oh get a grip woman, and wash your hair while you're at it.

Fool goes to collect his stuff from the Vic, and Teen helps him carry the stuff over to the Slater tardis. Fool warns her about O-Den and his evil ways, but Teen just flutters and whitters annoyingly. Isn't she cold in that get-up?

Puns about stuffing big birds a-plenty over at the Slaters', where Mo and Pat are circling each other in the kitchen like slightly miffed tabbies. Pat prefers her stuffing up the jacksie, apparently.

PantoJane's getting bored with just looking at CJDave twitching every now and again, and wonders if Xmas dinner chez Beale wouldn't be a better option. After all, the Midwich Twins might get cross with their presents and try to fry Daddy's brain.

So, that's the build-up over and done with. Let's get on with the proper EE Xmas Bombshell. O-Den makes a speech to welcome the family, then presents Denman and Teen with a holiday in the Bahamas. Denman says: "No, sorry. I can't go. Shazz and I are running off to New York where they look kindly on weird crypto-relationships. We might even get a TV series out of it." Shazz holds his hand and looks soppy. Vickney says: "Oh fuck! not again!", and Teen shrieks about being betraaayyyed. LadyDen just looks slightly annoyed that nobody's appreciating her hard work. Teen goes for Shazz, Shazz looks smug and serene as O-Den carries Teen away to have a chat.

O-Den tells Teen to get a grip and tell everybody that she's pregnant or something. That usually works. So she does. Well, it makes Denman stop for a minute, and Shazz remembers that she's Barren. Teen grabs a glass of champagne and downs it in one. You can tell nobody believes her because any properly pregnant woman would have had it forcibly removed from her grasp with a: "You won't be needing that for a while, young lady." Everybody runs off screaming, and meanwhile, Poline, Dot et al are outside, waiting for their Xmas dinner. O-Den tells them that Christmas is cancelled (oooh get the Sheriff of Walford...), and Poline leads the lynch mob over to the Slaters'. Fool is about to get in the cab, when- my my is our celebrity comedian special guest none other than Simon Day off The Fast Show playing the non-comedy cabbie? Wooh.

Anyway, where were we? Oh yes. Fool is blamed for ruining Christmas by getting sacked by O-Den and forgetting to cancel the pub dinner. So go to another pub, idiots. Actually, if you thought the pub shenanigans were a bit much, Fool's blitz spirit emergency Christmas makes you hanker for more of Denman's poor troubled face. So here goes: he sends everybody over to the Bealemeister's, then steals food from assorted Xmas dinners, including Minty's special goose. Sham gets invited too, but she just snivels and wails some more. Actually, where is Byrite? Still giving Quentin his present? Simon Day gets bored after a few hours and tells Fool that he owes him hundreds of pounds in waiting fees. Fool shouts at Ethel, everybody finds out what is going on, and the combined goodwill of the entire room not only persuades the Moons to stay, but somehow PantoJane gets the idea to shag Ian.

Ok, so that's the Moon plot over with. All we needed was a shot of a full Moon with Shane Richie's crying face underneath...oh no, sorry. Fool and Drippy kiss, and they're about to move in for extra tongues when Billy interrupts, but doesn't see anything suspicious. Next.

Denman and Teen are talking about this "baybay". Denman can't work out how she got pregnant, and accuses Teen of not taking her pills properly. Off he storms, conveniently, so that O-Den can now tell Teen to go and turn the waterworks on with Shazz. I forget the precise physical movements of this, but there's a lot of running between the pub and the flat and the house and back to the pub again. Teen snivels a lot about the little life (not) kicking inside her, and Denman wrinkles his nose adorably. Shazz has her cases packed and she eventually has to make Denman's mind up for him. O-Den tries to get her to stay, and we get an insight into the O-Den/Shazz fixation. Apparently she's the only pure and good thing in his life, and if he loses her, he goes completely eeeevil. Cool! Off you go, Shazz. Denman says he loves her more than Vickney, only Vickney's been listening at the door like a little slyboots, and she decides that she doesn't fancy hanging around Walford and that she's going to take Denman's ticket.

There's a Ferreira cab waiting at the door. Shazz hugs everybody (except Teen). Teen tries to tell them that she's lying and O-Den made her do it, but nobody listens. Denman gives Shazz a plastic ring out of a cracker with "4evah" on it. Fancy that, eh? Shazz leaves...everybody sad. Even Teen because she knows Denman doesn't love her and it's a hollow victory...yadda yadda. Well, I for one can't wait for Shazz's next comeback hairdon't.

GOD REST YE MERRY GENTLEDEN
After Thursday's ep, which was brilliant, I did find myself wondering why Den went to all this trouble for a dodgy old boozer with a crap jukebox, but it was good fun to watch.

So, where were we? Denman and Shazza are busy snogging when Denman gets a call from Teen, reminding him that they're supposed to be going Xmas shopping together. That's Relationship Rule no. 768 - Never take the boyfriend shopping unless you need him to carry stuff - broken then. Denman trails around the market with a martyred expression on his face while Teen points significantly to baby clothes and tries to kiss him in front of Shazza. Way to go, Teen...

O-Den and LadyDen summon the troops to the Queen Vic to make an announcement. Fool's rushing around making preparations for some big Christmas "event". O-Den helps himself at the bar and laughs sinisterly when Fool protests.

Betty the dog spends the episode wearing a selection of camp seasonal outfits, the little fag hound. Gay Pike is distraught because half the cast of the nativity play have gone down with "this flu bug", and he's thinking of cancelling it. Poline adjusts Betty's santa cape and sets out to find new cast members: basically the teen muppets. And Ian. As the Angel Gabriel.

Rosie Klebb works out that the mystery nappy and clothes changer is none other than...Demi! Well...duh. Demi says she wants to be a proper mum, with all the sleepless nights and not having a minute to herself ever againm. Rosie and Keef look all soppy and approving, and don't think that it's just a ruse to slack off school.

Little Orphan Annie goes back to her mum, who looks quite normal and healthy and nice. What was she doing in hospital then? TriniDad and Yolande: sad.

PantoJane is spending Xmas with CJDave. She makes some time to attend the Nativity play, but then slips out to tell CJ Dave all about Ian's skinny legs. CJDave laughs. We all do, actually. So anyway, the Nativity is a roaring success, if only for the sight of Ian Beale in a tinsel halo and boxer shorts. Dot quotes the bible at all and sundry, and Scalliq makes an endearing scally shepherd who manages not to paint go-faster stripes on the live donkey. Demi gets all togged up in a sparkly blue nightie and towel for the nativity play, and manages to feed Cute Aleesha enough Calpol to keep her quiet throughout the performance. Cute Aleesha makes a fab baby Jesus anyway. The cutest bit is the primary kids singing Away in a Manger on the balcony and not gobbing on anyone. Not even Poline.

Back at the Vic, O-Den announces that the pub is a Watts pub once again, and they're moving in immediately. Shazza's polite "oh that's nice" is misinterpreted by Denman as "oh Dad, it's been my life's ambition to get this place back...I'll never shag my brother again...", and off he strops. Vickney and LadyDen remember that the flat is occupied, and tell O-Den off for chucking the Moons out on Christmas Eve, and O-Den says: "ooops...knew I forgot something." Den nips upstairs to tell Fool that the pub is all his now, so could he please pack up his crap and Ethel 2.0 and get out as soon as. He waves a big wodge of cash at Fool, but Fool refuses it. Hmm...I'm thinking tribunal...wrongful dismissal...tenancy hearing...oh sorry, of course not. They leave, but only after Fool tries to punch O-Den and O-Den pulls his Scrooge face. Ethel goes to stay at the Slater tardis (oooh...lucky Ethel), but the best Fool and Backstreet can do is to break into Ian Beale's chip van and sleep on the counter. Walford doesn't have an emergency housing office then? OoooK

Back at the club, Denman and Shazz have made up and are planning their Escape To New York. Denman gets carried away and starts kissing Shazz behind the bar - luckily the punters seem too pissed to care. Except for O-Den, who sees them from the door and looks grim. Duh duh duuuhhh...

EASTIES UPDATES NEEDS YOU!
Me and Sarah have had a quick chat about what we are up to over xmas
and it does looks like there are going to be gaps due to family
commitments etc. It's a shame to miss bits out when all the most
exciting plots of the year occur so we are throwing open the blog to
any guest bloggers who feel like having a crack! If anyone feels like
writing up tonight, the xmas lunchtime episode or any other episodes
we leave out next week - then please email them to me at:

elmarkco(at)yahoo.co.uk (with @ instead of (at) obv)

and I will post them up! We don't have a set writing format or
anything but would suggest that you stick to the regular nicknames and
roughly have one paragraph per major plotline. Also it would be best
if you put the update in the body of the email rather than sending an
attachment No worries if no-one does feel like GIVING SOMETHING BACK
instead of just TAKING all the time (only joking) - we'll see what
happens. Happy Christmas!

JINGLE HELL
For some reason I decided to plumb the deepest depths of light entertainment hell and write up the Eastenders Xmas Party. I must be insane.

It starts with Fool "Pub manager by day, pub singer by night" Moon walking down the street and introducing the whole shebang. He is playing himself Shane Ritchie and is supposed to be the organiser of the spontaneous shenanigans. He bursts into song (Santa claus is coming to town) and, um, considering he sings about 50 songs throughout the evening he is a rotten singer. A bunch of extras turn into a dance troupe (aka The Walfordettes) and do super cheesy musical theatre style dancing. There are even street sweepers doing that musical theatre thing with their brooms. The Square is v full and lit up and a double glazed conservatory has mysteriously appeared on the site of Losers Bench. Fool joins the cast on stage in the conservatory and they all sing while the Walfordettes frug madly.

Minty and A-Garry do a piss take of the BBC1 capoeira station ident, popping up frequently throughout the show. It is amusing enough the first few times.

There is a lame Dickens Christmas Carol sketch cut throughout the show, with Bealemeister as Scrooge, of course. Jane as, um, Mrs Scottish Scrooge and Demi and Dumber as the Cratchett Kids. Fur-wank is the ghost of xmas past, Mickney is the ghost of xmas present and the Right Hon Charles Kennedy MP is the ghost of xmas future. What. The. Fuck??? It is not remotely funny or entertaining.

There are micro-celebrities scattered throughout the show, including an inexplicable Posh Spice "look alike" and Kelly Holmes as Fool's runner. Geddit? Oh Kelly, you are better than this.

Jane sings "Have Yourself a Merry Christmas". She is not bad but not as good as she thinks she is. She looks nice though.

The Teen muppets discuss what act they are going to do. Non comedy o rama. Gus breakdances a bit. Go Gus! Bust some moves!

Keef and Mo give some microcelebrities lessons on how to act like an Eastenders actors (including John bird or Fortune and a Bird of a Feather). Keef and Mo are hilariously dressed as aerobics instructors. The sketches are lame lame lame but the clips they use to demonstrate are ace: There is one of Squeaky when she was having her Drunken Downward Spiral. Ha ha ha, classic. I could watch Squeaky trying to act drunk all day. There is a slapping montage and a scene of Babs wearing a heinous gold bomber jacket. It all ends with Drippy coming on and hitting Keef with an iron, as I have often dreamed of doing myself.

Yolande Shirley Basseys her way through a song about spending Christmas on Christmas Island, whilst chasing Trinidad round the sofa. According to google, Christmas Island has a unique population with a blend of Chinese, Malay & Caucasians from the Australian mainland. A visit here is a diverse cultural experience with numerous temples, festivals and a variety of cuisines.

Martina, Kareena and Adull inexplicably dress in edwardian outfits, play the pianola and sing an EE version of the 12 days of Christmas, again the best part is the clips they use - especially one of Fill beating the shit out of a fridge. Die, Evil Fridge! Die!

I have given up trying to work out the logic behind this. Moomin tries to train small kiddies to act out classic EE scenes. For some reason Moomin is mean and bitchy and her hair is weird. The scenes selected are quite funny though: Teen finding out Slutty is her mum, Poline belting Arfur with the frying pan, Den divorcing Angie and PAt and Fur-wank bellowing at each other in the rain. Unfortunately this just reminds us of when EE used to be good.

McFly come on and do their "My first ever little 1960s covers band" impression with a rendition of a Beach Boys song. The Walfordettes do crazy go go dancing in the background.

Fool goes into the bookies and inexplicably starts singing Fairy Tale of New York with Kyert. Aiiieee! My ears are bleeding! They are both terrible. Let's hope Kyert gets some vocal coaching before she starts in Chicago.

Minty is dressed as a chicken. Later on A-Garry eats some chicken and is sad. Just think, people actually got paid to come up with this.

Pat dresses up as Father xmas to sing "White Christmas" using her normal posh voice. If you shut your eyes it is like listening to the radio in the 1950s. Fur-wank comes on at the end also as Father Xmas. I am hoping they are going to fight to see who is the real father xmas but instead they just kiss. Later on, Pat does a Gollum "my precious" impression over some earrings. Poor Pat.

Lemar: zzzzzz

Fool sits on the Swings of Contemplation and introduces Sham, who sings the wham song "Last Christmas" whilst wandering round her ex-house and overacting. She is not a bad singer though - I could totally see her as a Eurovision contestant. She goes outside (who knows how many muppets died to create her faux fur coat) and carries on singing on the Swings, where she will now be living after Byrite chucked her.

There is some nonsense about Girls Aloud being booked but not showing up. I shake my fist at the telly when Fool mocks the ginger one. Cheryl Tweedy is going to kick your ass now, Ritchie. Fool sings yet a-fucking-gain while Martina and dragged up Adull, Gus, Minty and Mickney cavort around him. Martina is possibly the least feminine there. Mickney makes a surprisingly hot bird though. He could totally pull a drunken sailor at closing time in that outfit.

This must be nearly over. A boy sings a christmas carol and Sham and Jane make pious faces and help lead the carol-a-thon. Then it is time for the cockerney knees up ending and - you guessed it - Fool sings "I wish it could be Christmas every day" whilst the whole cast joins in and acts like they don't hate each other and the Walfordettes spaz out violently in the background. I join in at home with my own version, entitled "I wish I could rip out shane ritchie's vocal cords every day". Jesus, that was the longest hour of my life! Yo ho ho!

Well, that's it from me for a while. I'm going away over xmas and aren't allowed to watch EE at my parents house! I'll do what I can though. Thanks to all the readers and comment-makers over the year. Thanks also to the cast and crew of EE for providing laffs aplenty. Happy christmas!

BAD BROTHER BEYOND
Gosh, lots going on tonight. Bad Brother is still freaking out (and, I have to say, overacting a tad) in the bogs of the Vic. He waits until Byrite has gone and runs home to pack and get the hell out of Walford. Unfortunately Trinidad decides to take that moment to stage an intervention and has hidden his car keys. Trinidad tells him to straighten up or get out. BB freaks out some more. There is a funny bit where Trinidad slaps him and he totally bugs out and starts writhing around. Heh. In the end TD stomps off and leaves BB to make his decision. BB packs and is about to leave but - gasp! Not Carter is waiting for him outside. BB tries to shut him out but Not Carter says he will patiently wait for BB to come out and be executed. What???

DS Cheffy Chef and New Lady Cop quiz Byrite about the stupid drugs quarry thing. Byrite mewls "Myeh myeh! I've got a receipt!" and Cheffy Chef laughs in his face, says the receipt is bollocks and that he will get him in the end. Then Denman comes round and Byrite gives him £10k so he can elope with Shazza. Wow, Denman must have been the best assistant ever. Denman mocks Byrites marraige (which is a bit much considering all the money) and Byrite makes a sour face. Later, Shazza coos that they can go to New Yoik together.

Ian annoys Minty, A-Garry and several million viewers.

Fool prattles on about enjoying xmas at the Vic. This is the equivalent to the scene when a young soldier shows someone a photo of his fiance in a war movie and you instantly know that they are TOAST!

O-Den comes round with the money for Vic. It isn't enough but Sham accepts it anyway. She runs round to Marcus and they arrange to go and see Fill at some random tube station that I don't recognise. All the money is put into a silver carry-on case which Marcus puts in the boot of his snazzy motor. At the station, Sham says she will ride with Fill to Luton airport so Marcus gets the case for her out of his boot. Hmm, it doesn't look a tube station where the Thamslink stops, but I could be wrong. Sham waits around for Fill but he never shows up. She phones Marcus but gets no reply. Ruh roh. She goes back to the office but there is no sign of Marcus. Cut to a scene of him phoning to say "byee", dropping his phone in the gutter and driving off. Sham opens the suitcase and it is full of plain paper - he did a switch. Fuuuuuck.

BB freaks out (still) and sees Not Carter sinisterly playing with Little Orphan Annie and so decides to give in to death so his family will be safe. He tells Trinidad and Yolande that he is moving out and that he will be in touch, prays a bit and then goes to take the Final Ride in the Taxi Cab of Death. If I was him I would have put something heavy in my jacket and smacked No Carter on the head, but no - BB goes meekly to his presumed death. What a load of bollocks. All the best to BB in his future career, I'm sure he'll do fine.

Marcus meets a mysterious stranger. Gasp! It is O-Den! O-Den hands over the mystery treasue map (which is apparently photos of Marcus cavorting with underage dolphins or something) and says that he is free to go now that his task is complete. Marcus snits off to retire in the bahamas or something. Well, I didn't see that coming. O-Den and LadyDen gloat in their car and LadyDen gives O-Den his xmas pressie - a sign saying he is licensee of the vic. Dun Dun Dunhhh!

Sham goes home to Byrite and is all snivelling and weeping. She explains what happened and Byrite says "You stupid Mitchell. I could have helped you but you lied to me." Sham says "oh well, we have each other. We can have babies etc." Byrite asks her to step outside, says she is stupid and that he never loved her. He only married her for her money and now she hasn't got any money she is dumped. Also he is keeping the house. He pulls off her wedding ring and locks her out. Wow, harsh. That is the first time that Byrite has actually been convincingly evil. Sham starts screaming and pounding at the door. Byrite turns on the radio and ignores her. Not shown: Quentin getting a booty call he will never forget.