SHAM PAIN

The "new improved" comments thing went down like a lead balloon so I have added Haloscan comments which are more like the old ones but will hopefully be less shite and crash-y. Comment away, readers!

To the episode... Fool and Slutty are acting all awkwarsd and uncertain after their night of high drama. Fool still won't touch Slutty properly or look her in the eye. Slutty is sad. Tink and Ethel 2.0 pop up and are annoying. Ethel uses her Old Lady Powers to discern that something is up with Fool/Slutty and decides that her and Tink should move out once they are married. Tink makes vile "oldster sex-o-rama" type faces at the prospect. They overhear Kareena moaning in the Vic and decide to buy the Ferriera house once it has been repossessed and all.

Gus looks at the Book of Records and moans that it is all retarded and stupid. Ditto this lame plot. Juley convinces Gus to try for a food scoffing record (even though the Guiness Book etc etc no longer accepts these, as any fule kno) and talks Gus into going for a hot curry eating competition. They do it in the Square without any officials watching or anything. Idiots. Denman keeps time and Julio calls him "Big Man D" about 4 times - how does Juley know that Denman is "big"??? Enquiring minds want to know. Anyway, Gus pukes after a few minutes and Doktor Boden-shirt tells them off for being so stupid, in the style of an overacting James Bond villain.

The PolDot symbiotic hive-mind makes Moomin and Martin attend a meeting with Comedy Vicar to discuss the service. Dot wants a Tristan/Isolde style medieval wedding but Poline doesn't. the 2 M's grit their teeth and exchange banter about whether Moomin has to "obey" Martin (ie. Not). Later on Poldot argue because they have both bought dresses that are the same colour. Moomin flips and yells that they are ruining the wedding for her. Also it turns out that neither Robbie nor Carol Jackson can make it to the wedding. Quelle Surprise! Why not just admit defeat and cast another actress as Carol - this is getting totally ridiculous.

Ian "salt/rub/wound/in" Beale asks A-Garrry to babysit Bobby (who really is a cute kid) for a bit. While A-G is busy, Byrite Andy asks Minty to ring a dodgy motor or something. Minty is reluctant but Byrite says he will get him sacked if he doesn't.
Sham catches Minty at it and Minty tries to fob her off with a lame excuse. Sham says "I'm not totally blonde!" and admits to having picked up some off-camera mechanical knowledge when she was still Daniella Westbrook. When Minty confesses, Sham goes off to yell at Byrite.

Ladyden emotionally blackmails O-Den into coming shopping for birthday clothes for Vickney. Vickney buys some ugly lime green shoes. LadyDen is still suspicious and tries to find out about Mystery Wench from O-Den's mobile phone. O-Den catches her at it. LadyDen makes hacky faces.

Fool arranges a mystery surprise or something over the phone. He wants Slutty to come with him to gloat that Andy's dastardly scheme failed but Slutty doesn't want to . Fool says that that is the least she owes him so Slutty reluctantly agrees. They march into Sham/Andy's gaff and Andy says something like "So, you haven't watched my amateur porn yet?" Fool says "Yes! and it sucked! also me and Slutty are solid as a rock and you are mere pond scum!" Andy calls Fool a fool (shout out?) and says: "How dare you mock me puny mortal, I will get Sham to sack you from the Vic, bwa ha ha ha!" Fool doesn't say that he will tell Sham about Byrite's sexcapades but just goes "Whatever, we'll get a job in some other shitty pub" and gives Andy his tape back. At that moment, Sham shows up - Fool gets her to say that she has no intention of sacking them and then him and Slutty leave. Sham shouts at Byrite for fucking with her business and storms off. Byrite makes mad, loser type faces and settles down to watch the video and maybe knock one off at the wrist. It turns out that Fool gave him a copy of his and Slutty's wedding video instead, the scamp. Ha ha, sucks to be you, Byrite!

THE GOOMAH STRIKES BACK
Hmmm...OK, most of the second half of Monday's ep was the set up to tonight's Fool/Slutty two-hander.

The first half dealt with Ian doing his "I'm Superdad. I don't need your help with Simplet" thing. The Midwich Twins glower at poor crying Simplet and Kyert (who appears to have moved in) tells him to call AGarry. AGarry takes Ian through the complicated West-Ham-themed evening routine and looks sad. Poor AGarry!

Teen plays hard to get with Denman and gets invited out for fish and chips or something. MY Gus decides to go for a world record. No I don't know why either. World's sappiest poem?

Byrite looks evil, gives Fool the tape under the flimsiest pretext imaginable. Fool chucks it in bin. Later, Fool prepares romantic candlelit tryst in the living room, having got rid of Ethel and Backstreet. While he's waiting, curiosity gets the better of him, and he puts the vid on, only to find Byrite and Kat doing it the nasty way.

So, having spent a lovely evening playing cards with various Slaters at the Slater tardis, Kat bounces home and finds Fool watching That Vid.

Slutty: Ohhhh...shit. It's not like that...really

Fool: What do you mean you dirty 'ho? Everybody said that you were a dirty 'ho but I didn't listen because you kept telling me what a good girl you really are. What a fool I am to marry you! Why yes, I am the Fool of Albert Square. How many other men have you shagged behind my back, you 'ho?

Slutty: Byrite tricked me into sleeping with him. He said he'd kill you if I didn't put out and you didn't pay up.

Fool: But I did pay up!

Slutty: Umm...yeah, that was after we'd...ummm...

Fool: Woe woe and thrice woe! For verily I am the cuckold! You're my wife, fer chrissakes. Wives don't go around sleeping with toy gangstas, or did nobody explain that to you at 'ho school?

Slutty: I did it for you! Are you saying that you wouldn't do the same for me?

Fool: Well...ummm...no...I mean yes...ummm...no no! Look, don't go playing around with my moral certainties like that. Wives don't go around sleeping with toy gangstas! Not even Slutty wives like you! I've seen you with your short skirts and orange foundation...

Slutty: Hang on a minute! I became shiny and new when I married you. And you forced me back into Sluttydom with your stupid superhero complex, fuckwit.

Fool: That's no superhero complex; that's a sincere reaction to the discovery that my parents might have avoided their hideous fatal car crash if I had fixed Dad's car stereo so that he might swap Chris de Burgh tapes without taking his eye off the road.

Slutty: Well if we're going to play that game, I was raped when I was 13...

Fool: Not fair!

Slutty: Tough, and shagging Byrite was worse than shagging Uncle Boon. But I did it for you! My only crime is loving you too much. Byrite staged all this to split us up, and you're doing exactly what he wants.

Anyway, it continues in this vein for another ten minutes or so. My sister-in-law called in the middle, so I might have missed something. Slutty finally walks out of the Vic, then Fool calls her back. They agree to salvage the pitiful remains of their marriage. Slutty is happy: Fool tries not to scrub his hands after touching her.

Interesting fact no 675: the staff of Bangalor call centres working for UK-based companies have to watch episodes of EastEnders in order to understand UK culture. I make no further comment.

Looks like a double post tonight, guys...

LAND OF PLENTY, LAND OF FUN, TO FIND OUT I'M IAN BEALE'S SON
Apologies all, but the tortuous Pixies-related titles may continue for some months now they're on tour.

So anyway, AGarry goes to visit Doktor Boden-Shirt, and discovers (though Doktor Boden-Shirt tries not to tell him) that the Simplet is a completely different blood group from him and Simpleton - in fact it's the same as my kid's (Mr P denies everything and has banned me from every chip shop in London, just in case). We discover that Ian Beale doesn't know his blood group. He tries to chisel his blood group out of Boden-Shirt, who glares ineffectively at him, and admits that he just might be Papa Simplet but the only way to find out for sure is a DNA test. Ian now wants the Simplet because he would be the ideal Freak Genetic Replacement for Devil Child Stephen, now with Wicksy in New Zealand - probably on a tiny island off Auckland where they lure stray Australians into giant cages and burn them as an offering to the Gods of ITV. Sullen looks glad that she might actually be shot of the kid and tries to persuade AGarry that it's all for the best, and he's got another, proper child on its way anyway (though I'd wonder about that one, knowing Sullen it's probably the lingering aftermath of Beppay's sperm). But AGarry turns in quite a respectable tear-jerking speech about being the one Simplet smiles at, and the first person to hold him etc etc etc. He tries to run away with Simplet, but runs out of ideas at the station, gets shouted at by a self-righteous Brummie extra, and comes home again. Ian's waiting with the Slaters, who actually stand by, snivelling, and let him take the poor kid away from AGarry. Leave now, AGarry. Your inlaws are not only stupid, but even more annoying than you.

Slutty misses Fool, but keeps finding lame-ass lovenotes from him everywhere, which she waves talismanically at Byrite. Byrite says: "Haha , my little pretty. I'm going to get you good this time, and tell your idiot husband that we done it in my girlfriend's bed." Slutty: "Go ahead, you big pervy loser". Byrite apparently carries That Video everywhere with him...eww.

Kellay kind of knows she should really be with MY Gus and not Backstreet, but she's prepared to make the best of a bad job.

Teen's treating Denman mean and keeping him keen. She gets LadyDen to make her up like Cher, goes to the niteclub and chats with anything in trousers to get Denman jealous. Because all the teen muppet storylines are written by former Jackie storyliners (yes I know I'm showing my age), Denman falls for it and Teen gets her man.

O-Den arranges an assignation with Mystery Laydee, and gives LadyDen the runaround. Next!

MoominBride plots with Vickney to get the dress she wants from the Bridezilla shop. Polzilla is angry that her plans for the giant bridal cardigan have been thwarted because now they have to change the flower order.

CABIN FEVER
by Mark
I missed this last night as a result of a VCR disaster (ie I forgot to set it…) and so had to cobble this together from the BBC site…

Moomin shops for her moomingown but gets annoyed as Dothra and Polzilla are too busy arguing to help her. Destroy All Monsters, Sonia, you know it makes sense. They reject all the dresses she likes so in the end Moomin has a bratty fit and stomps off. Bitch hag Poline buys a dress for her anyway. I didn’t see it but I am assuming it is a grey knitted cardigan-esque number…

The Ferrieraz get a post card from the props department. Oops, I mean “Madhur”. Apparently she is in the Himalayas (of course she is….) researching a new recipe book and so she can’t help them.

In the Kabinet of Lust, Kellay and Backstreet discover that devious minx Vickney has removed all the phones from the room so they have no way of calling for help. Backstreet tries to break the door down but is obviously too weak and feeble. They bicker and bring up the sorry episode of their 18th birthday fumble and Kellay’s ho past. Through some unbelievable miracle of dialogue writing they end up making friends and then flirting with each other. But lo! Vickney realises that her astronomy bollocks was all a mistake and that they aren’t a cosmic love match after all. She goes to let them out and finds them shagging on the lino or something. How lame was that plotline? (clue: very)

Ian is shocked and appalled that Bobby could be his baybay. Especially as he had a secret vasectomy and then spent the last year calling it a freak genetic experiment. He asks why O-Den is helping him and O-Den says he feels bad for being a deadbeat dad himself and also he was friends with Ian’s dad and so is loyal to the House of Bealemeister. When Ian finds out that Pat knew all along he is cross and they have a row. Ian thinks that Pat likes AGarrry more than she likes him and sacks her from the caff. (Tribunal! Tribunal!). A-Garry is also cross with Pat and says he wants to keep Bobby whoever the Dad is. Poor old Pat – it isn’t her fault that Simpleton was such a dozy cow.

Ian gets an unbelievably quick appointment at Vasectomies-R-Us and talks to a consultant. The nad-snipper says that Ian could still have been fertile for a while after the op, as any fule know. (Mmm, thinking about Beale’s bollocks again. Thanks EE writers! Thanks for nothing!) There is a picture on the website of Ian clapping his hands to his ears and screaming a la Macauley Culkin. Ha ha ha! Kyert is supportive in a worthy dull way (I am assuming…) He goes to confront Garry and demands that Bobby is DNA tested. Garry still wants to keep the baby whatever the results. Ian wants the baby if it is his. It is turning into a tragic tot tug of love, as the Sun would put it…

YOU ARE THE SON OF A BEALEMEISTER (ONE, TWO, THREE...)
Pat's earrings weigh particularly heavy today. Almost as heavily as her conscience (see what I did there?). She witters around, trying to tell Ian that the cute genetic experiment is his, but keeps bottling out. AGarry wants her to keep her mouth shut because he's finally got Sullen to treat the poor kid like a human being; besides, all that nappy changing and teaching of West Ham terrace chants must count for something...(NB: is Sullen's dye job growing out, or did she pay for that hairdo?). Pat gets all stressed out and can't even burn toast properly, much to Silent Tracey's silent chagrin (though she did get to say: "Where's my toast?"). Ian is cross. O-Den finally gets the truth out of her, gives her a lecture on how much he regrets never changing Denman's nappy and maybe if he had been around all that crypto incest nonsense may never have happened. Pat dithers on, and O-Den decides to tell Ian himself. The final shot is of a close up of Ian's face: a gorgeous mix of fear, anger and utter lack of gorm.

So, elsewhere. All this astrological matchmaking madness has finally tipped Vickney over the edge. She lures Backstreet and Kellay into the club office and locks them in before they have time to protest. I'd have her sectioned.

Polzilla tries to sneak Moomin off to the Bridal Meringue shop to stuff her into some hideous polyester-and-lace concoction. But Dothra discovers her cunning plan and comes along too. Moomin just wants a quiet wedding with no fuss. OK, nip off to Las Vegas and get married by Elvis, kids.

Teen frets teenily over Denman. Denman sees her applying her lipstick in public like a common slattern and invites her over to the pub for a game of lascivious darts in front of Slutty. Slutty is cross and still sad about Byrite. Meanwhile Byrite discovers that Slutty is Alone because Sham has sent Fool on his Bartending for Dummies course. This is a cue for Byrite to spend hours in the Vic, waggling his tongue at Slutty and threatening to call Fool.

Shazza consigns Hero Fireman Tom to the Dustbin of History. She and Denman have a longing looks-style conversation that implies that Denman's next - but probably only after he's shagged LadyDen.

THE LONELINESS OF THE LONG DISTANCE SLUTTY

Vickney is still suffering from Romantic Comedy Psychosis and is plotting to get Backstreet into Kellay's pants. She invites them both round to dinner without saying the other one is coming and then cooks a special dinner (cue shots of Vickney looking at a "romantic food" cookbook, Vickney smirking at bunches of asparagus etc). Kell and Backster work out what is going on and don't show up. Vickney says they will never get away with thwarting her. Jeezuz Vickney, get a life.

LadyDen nearly catches O-Den phoning his mystery wench.

Teen is still a nervous wreck because Denman hasn't called her. Slutty tells her to get a grip.

It is Crypto-Bridezilla versus Dot-thra. Poline is going into marriage planner uber-drive. She decides that Gay Pike is going to the best man and that Moomin and Mmartin will drive in a horse drawn carraige. Mmartin flaps his jaw, ineffectually. Meanwhile Dot says she should plan the wedding as she is the bride's family and Jim just wants to put a few balloons up. They all meet up to discuss it and Poline and Dot make snooty sarcasmo faces and roll their eyes a lot.

Billy is going to grass Andy/Slutty up to Sham out of spite but then Byrite gives Billy the project manager job for converting the snookerall into offices. Billy is a chartered surveyor now? I must have missed the one where that happened. There is EE Trusty Plot Device number 1 where Billy is about to tell her and Sham interrupts and talks over him. I can't get enough of that one (note: sarcasm). Billy decides to hold his tongue.

Slutty is sad. It turns out that Byrite tricked her and only pretended to have a bloody beating victim paraded in front of her. He says it is all about the shex and that it isn't ovah until he says it's ovah. Slutty says "I hate you!" and Byrite looks psychotic. Fool goes off on some sort of "Pub Management for Dummies" course and Slutty weeps alone in the Vic.

Pat thinks deep thoughts about the Birth Certificate and then stomps off to see Ian. He, yes, talks all over her and won't let her tell him about the baybay. Pat sees A-Garry being a Good Dad and is all set to burn the birth certificate (don't do that! The poor kid will need to apply for a passport some day!) but then doesn't. She has a boring conversation about adoption with Shazza where they both sound as though they are reading the lines off a social services website or something. In the end Pat does the Right Thing and goes and tells A-Garrry that the baybay may not be his. Dun Dun Dunnnnhhh, etc

SHE'S STILL SHE'S STILL SLUTTY FROM THE BLOCK
The things they do to get a bit of sex into this programme. Fool, conveniently, has disappeared, leaving a note saying: "Trust Me" - oh yeah, like you've got a good track record, mate. Slutty also finds a parcel from Andy: it contains a "slimming" black negligée, that he orders her to wear at 4pm, when he's booked her in for this legendary seeing to. Maybe he's got a thing for Greek widows, but anyway Slutty doesn't like the black negligée thing and rips it to shreds.

In the pub, Slutty can't concentrate on serving customers, so poor old Silent Tracey gets lumbered with the lunchtime rush (Den and Ian) while Slutty mopes in her room, looking stricken. Ethel 2.0 drops by to offer pearls of Alzheimer wisdom and Slutty goes for the silent film star in peril look. In black. Lots and lots of black. Just in case we didn't work out that she's not too keen.

Meanwhile, it's Simpleton's funeral. AGarry has dressed the Simplet in navy blue,and Ian won't go because he thinks Simpleton has suffered enough. Pat and Dot manage to whip a respectable number of extras along to the funeral, using threats, promises of food etc. Later, Pat is clearing out Simpleton's stuff, when she finds Simplet's birth certificate that says that Ian's the Daddy.

LadyDen's still cross about O-Den eating Sham's face in front of the whole pub. O-Den gets Ian to cook a romantic meal for two that involves carrots in some way. Ian has an attack of conscience and blubs unconvincingly for about two seconds. Honestly, it's like watching a vulture weep.

Scalliq suggests that the Ferreiras squat in the home that is no longer theirs. The Kidz go: "Yeah! Smash the State! We're the Kidz! In your Face, Thatcher!". Next week: they get a hamster and call it SPG.

Vickney/stars/Spencer/Kellay sub-plot. Spencer shouts at Vickney for trying to pair him up with Kellay, telling her that he's been there, done that, got the "I Shagged Kellay and all I got was this stupid-" T-shirt. Vickney witters on about how it's all pre-ordained in the stars. What next: Fashion advice from the I Ching? Tsk!

Back at chez Mitchell, Slutty and Byrite are arguing about the nature of true love. Byrite says non, il n'existe pas, and gets all existential on Slutty's ass. Slutty says she loves Fool, not Byrite and his furs and diamonds etc. Byrite says: "Once a slut, always a slut. You love all this, not Fool". Nobody mentions that "All this" appears to be running a dodgy bookies and living in your girlfriend's mum's house. Billy almost saves the day with some gormless excuse about leaving his wallet behind, but Byrite waves him away. Oh no! Poor Slutty is ordered upstairs and make like she enjoys it, or...I dunno...Fool might get the full truncheon treatment. So she does. We don't see anything (thank the lord).

Afterwards neither of them look particularly pleased with themselves, and Slutty makes Byrite promise that it's all Ovah. Then Fool rushes in (where Billy feared to tread) with a jiffy bag full of cash. Slutty hides. Byrite takes the cash and goes: "Bwahahahahaha! I'm so evil. I got you my little pretty, and Fool, and the ruby slippers too!"

Slutty sneaks back to the pub where Fool is all: "I paid Byrite back! Hooray for me!", and smiles weakly at him. Byrite watches the afternoon's action, which he taped from a hidden camera on top of the wardrobe, and weeps for his debased soul. Or something. Maybe it was out of focus, and he realised he couldn't flog it on the Internet...

IT'S A KAT TRAP

Oh, this episode was so rubbish I can barely be bothered to write it up. First of all, Kyert and LadyDen open their joint beauty palace in record time. No-one shows up until O-den flirts with Pat and gets her to get her to get her roots touched up. Pat recruits the rest of her crone friends to do the same. LadyDen moans at O-Den for helping her out. OK, now she is annoying. Later on O-Den gives Sham a birthday kiss in front of LadyDen just to annoy her and then phones up his mystery wench to have a moan.


Vickney starts rabbiting on about astrology and uses her heathen sorcerous astromancy to try and set up Kellay and Backstreet. Great! Another plot for me to not remotely care about!


The Ferriera kids all sit around and moan about Ash and the fact that he has made them homeless. They fantasise about breaking his legs etc. Scalliq and DJ Ross try to find cheap rented accommodation but can't find anything. It turns out that Ash has gone missing and Scalliq can't find his pain pills so they think he is going to top himself. They all rush off to find him - try the allotment, that's where sad losers often go to die.


Sham moans that she hasn't got many birthday cards. Yes Sham, that's because no-one likes you. Byrite says he has a surprise for her later. In his pants.


Fool tries to track down Maxwell to borrow money and witters on that everything is going to be all right. Slutty is sick of his Fool-ish optimism and tells him to shut up. she asks what he will do if Byrite attacks her to get at him. Fools says that Byrite will have to beat him up, break every bone in his body, chop his legs off, feed him to rabid hamsters etc etc before he will let him hurt Slutty. Promises promises...Then he runs off to track down Maxwell. Slutty meanwhile decides to take matters into her own hands and asks Sham if she can borrow £7k to "do up the kitchen" and turn the Vic into a swanky gastropub or something. Sham asks for a cashflow projection as though she knows what she's talking about. Today Sham is dressed up as a post box.


Adull finds Ash in the kitchen and they have an overacting competition. I don't know who wins but we the viewers are defintely the losers. Basically it goes: Adull "you ruined outr lives, you idiot!" Ash: "It might have worked if I had just had one more shot, plus you are the idiot for giving money to a crazy gamble-o-holic like me." Adull: "Just admit you're an idiot!" Ash: "you're right! I have a gambling problem! boo hoo!" Adull "I'll let you off then!" It also turns out that he wasn't going to commit suicide after all but that Scalliq just misplaced his pills. Whatever.


Sham turns down the loan to Slutty having discussed it Byrite. Doh! Foiled! Byrite sarcastically offers to help with any problems she might have. Slutty is worried that Fool has done a runner but then he turns up, having failed to track down Maxwell. He resigns himself to taking a beating and says he will do anything for Slutty. Anything!! Hint hint! Byrite gives Sham some spa vouchers to get her out of the way while he has his way with Slutty and then drags a couple of brand new heavies around to the Vic. Fool shuts a curtain - hmm, I doubt that is going to soundproof, Fool. Byrite gets out his truncheon (tee hee) and starts chatting about how he is going to do lots of hurty things with it. Slutty gives a secret "OK, I'll shag you, you bastard" hand signal so Bryite says they have got another day to come up with the money and stalks off. This plot is so shit. All they have to do is catch Byrite unawares and smack him around a bit and he will run off crying like he did before...

AND THEY CALL IT MUPPET LOVE
I will confess now: I was busy cooking dinner tonight (last night?), and only saw bits of what was going on. Not that it's ever stopped me before, eh?

Fool discovers that Slutty has pawned her engagement ring to pay off Byrite, and tells her not to worry her pretty little head about him: he'll find a way. Then every time I looked in after that, he seemed to be trying to get Maxwell to pawn his silver hammer or calling a loan shark. Slutty says: "No loan sharks. Especially ones that don't fancy me.", and calls Byrite for a Secret Meeting. Byrite sets up a Sinister Gangland-type scene which appears to involve the Brand New Heavies carrying a semi-conscious man into the betting shop and Byrite saying: "How many times have I told you? Take the cat food round the back! Oh, I'm sorry Slutty...didn't see you there...no rest for the wicked, eh?" He tries to comfort Slutty in her hour of distress, but she tells him to keep away, and runs back to tell Fool to pack his bags. Fool looks tired and tells her that he's done with running away, and if Byrite wants to set his ninja kittens on him, let him. Slutty holds Fool's head to her heaving breast, tells him that everything's alright, and looks 'thoughtful', yet 'determined'.

Hey guess what everyone! Martin and Moomin want to get married as soon as possible! Why, I have no idea: the tax breaks can't be that great on a fruit and veg stall, and they're already shagging. So anyway, the really bad news is that they want to get married in Southend - Gomorrah of the East. There are many things you can do in Southend, but getting married is not the one that immediately springs to mind. Maybe they've got a thing about piers, Force 10 gales, rain and goose pimples...the mucky pups. Dot is shocked that they don't want a church wedding because it would be too much fuss, and Moomin wants Jim to give her away. Umm...you don't actually need anyone to give you away in a civil ceremony, Moomin love. Dot and Poline have a Mother-of-Bridezilla summit, divide the flower arranging/catering duties, and call in the Comedy Vicar. Moomin and Martin look slightly annoyed that the family might want to get involved in their wedding.

Backstreet (Martin's best man) is still bouncing around the square, shadow boxing, huffing, and looking as physically imposing as the Very Hungry Caterpillar. Denman suggests he goes and talks to Teen about how he feels. Use the "Use me instead..." line, Backstreet. Teen gently knocks him back, telling him that he's like a brother to her (Backstreet does not riposte with :"Like that stopped Denman and Shazz..." Shame). Then she goes back to ogling her mother's sloppy seconds. Ugh. Denman himself gets knocked back by a lairy bride-to-be on her hen night ("No thanks Mr Desperate"), and decides to take up Teen's offer of a drink. Teen has been raiding her mother's wardrobe again, but I like her hair.

O-Den staggers into the niteclub, carrying a box of hairdryers for LadyDen. LadyDen approves. Next.

Back to the Ferreiraz and their mortgage arrears cliffhanger. Today is the day that they pay off the arrears, and they've got their best denims on to impress the Building Society Man. Ash still needs to find the remainder, and what do the muppets do? They entrust the money to a gambler. Off he trots to the bookies, where it gets even more Runyonesque. Nicely Nicely Billy looks concerned as Ash first loses (Yay!), then wins (Boo!), then bets his last £1500 on a horse called Safe As Houses, which even Jim can see is a bad idea. The bookie regulars (including Winston) look concerned as Sucker Bet Ash yells at Nicely Nicely Billy when Billy won't accept his marker or something. Byrite says: "take the money. Bwahahaha". Ash loses. He staggers home, downs half a bottle of bad whisky, and confesses to the Kidz. I would have cared once, honest...