LAME-O PLOTS: THE GIFT THAT KEEPS ON GIVING
Scalliq and DJ Ross are wheeled into surgery, trailed by weeping, grateful Ferreira Kidz. Adull discovers that Ash promised Scalliq that the Kidz would look after him after the operation, and he starts bitching again. OK, remind me never to do this man a favour. Anyway, he somehow comes round to Ash's way of thinking by the end of the operation and everything's fine. Yay! Now can we move on? If Ethel 2.0's miracle recovery from MAJOR BRAIN SURGERY is to be believed, Scalliq and DJ Ross probably be running around the square with big Elastoplasts on their backs before the week is out.

Juhneen dyes her hair an especially eevil shade of Ice Queen blonde and taunts Bad Brutha some more about Nat. Bad Brutha decides to tell Nat the truth (oh boy). He gets about as far as admitting he forced Baz to go to Scotland, but somehow misses out the whole shagging Juhneen and evil-plot-to-get-Baz's-vast-fortune bit. Nat says she loves BB(eh? after one drunken snog on V Day?) and wants to "leave the past behind her" and "start afresh". Always two phrases that spell imminent doom in any soap relationship. I give it a month.

Simpleton is reduced to asking Kyert for a job. Ian sneers. Simpleton endures the sneering until he declares to the Midwich Twins: "One day, all this will be yours. This, and a sandwich making empire that stretches as far as Purfleet, my children". No mention of DC Steven, by the way. Anyway, Simpers calls her lawyer to ensure that Little Bobby finds out exactly who his dad is and gets to claim his slice of the Bealemeister's pie. Hang on, I thought she was broke? How is she going to pay for this?

Mo is still stuffing herself with crisps and mainlining lard in order to be as fat as possible at the Thinly Disguised Weight Watchers weigh-in. Juley tells MY Gus to make Mo fall in love with him because that's how you lose weight, innit? MY Gus runs off, screaming. I decided to cook a pie for my mother-in-law's weekend visit at this point, but anyway Mo only puts on 2 kilos in the weigh-in, and Ethel wins enough money to go to Eastbourne - Gomorrah of the South, without having to ask Fool for the money. Oooh...this will end in tears.

Speaking of Fool, the Moons are back from the plot cupboard with some lameness about Fool's impending 40th birthday and how he doesn't want people to know his age etc etc. Slutty is going to plan a big surprise party with special "Happy Birthday Grandad" balloons and they'll probably get divorced.

BROTHER DON'T PREACH, COS I'M KEEPING MY KIDNEY, WOO-OOOH
by Mark
NC dieting subplot – Pat and Mo get ready for the start of their weight-loss-a-thon. I hope this means that we get to see Pat hopped up on “diet pills” at some point. For some reason Gus and Jules start to run a “guess the weight of the Mo” sweepstake. Mo decides that it will be easier to lose weight if she is really fat at the start of the contest and so spends the whole episode troughing down crates full of crisps.

Bad Brutha learns that all successful relationships are built on lies and deceit – this is illustrated by Fool telling Slutty she looks nice in a hideous Bridget Riley style dress.

Ethel 2.0 wants to go on a coach trip to Eastbourne (Sodom of the East? I don’t really know where Eastbourne is) but Fool won’t let her go on her own. Jesus, it’s Eastbourne, it’s not like she’s asking to go to war torn Congo for her hols.

Simpleton offers to do the catering for the Vic but Fool has to turn her down as Slutty says no way. She doesn’t want to employ the woman who stole A-Garrry’s sperm as it might annoy Sullen. I wouldn’t want to annoy hormonal pregnant Sullen either. Brrrr.

Most of this episode is taken up with the Kidney Subplot That Refused to Die. The Ferriera kidz discover that Scalliq has done a bunk. After arsing around for a fortnight it is now apparently urgent again that the kidney is transplanted asap. Ash goes into action hero mode, tracks Scalliq back to his scummy bedsit and kicks down the door when Scalliq won’t answer. Kareena and Adull chat to Ross and pretend that everything is fine. Scalliq and Ash have a very very very very long argument about the kidney. It is quite well acted and all (especially by Scalliq) and in the end it boils down to the fact that Scalliq doesn’t feel sufficiently loved by his new family to give up any of his vital organs. Ash trudges back to the hospital to give the bad news (if it was me I would have immediately beaten up Adull, while screaming “it’s all your fault, you stupidly bearded bastard!”). they are getting ready to tell Ross the bad news when Scalliq suddenly appears, having changed his mind for the 84th time in this storyline.

SIMPLETON STRIKES OUT
Ian Beale, high-flying entrepenoooer and local businessman, likes nothing better than to swan around his mother's old caff, sporting a red pinny and giving Simpleton hell. So that's what he does - minor things like protracted solicitor negotiations, contract signings and completion dates don't exist in EE world. Sham's already on to her next asset stripping exercise and can't be bothered with Simpleton's whingeing.

Hairwatch: Today Sham's hair is in an Olivia Newton-John/Summer Lovin' do, and very greasy it looks too.

Beale forces Simpers to watch as his minions take down her tasteful neon sign. This proves too much, and Simpers throws a tray of eggs at the window and stalks off, followed by Pat. They're soon back when they realise that the council will offer her nothing more than a B&B room with hot and cold running cockroaches, and Pat runs out of fags. Ian tells Simpers to bugger off, but re-employs Pat with a cheeky grin and a payy rise. Simpers is cross that Pat has betrayed her so, but Pat spins some convoluted logic to argue that Ian is now paying for the Simplet while he and Simpleton kip on Pat's sofa.

Incidentally, if Pat has Eeevil Gavin's old flat, he had quite old ladyish tastes, didn't he? Flowered wallpaper and everything!

Adull takes a swing for Scalliq when he finds Scalliq buying kicking choons from the CD stall instead of Flowers for DJ Ross with some money he borrowed of Kareena. Ash forces a reconciliation, and the Ferreiras pack Scalliq off to the kidney removal unit before he changes his mind again. Having settled into his room (where is this magic hospital with the unlimited single rooms and no public wards?), Scalliq wanders downstairs to annoy DJ Ross some more. He overhears Adull whining about having to be nice to Scalliq, and Ash replying: "Don't worry. Once that lovely, healthy throbbing kidney is inside DJ Ross, we'll turn him out onto the streets to die. Bwahahahaah!" Scalliq runs away. If he was younger, they could have done a "Scalliq divorces his family and moves into a children's home where he lives happily ever after" storyline and shoehorn that into this care home season.

There's some nonsense about Backstreet and tattoos and Teen flaunting her pulchitrude all over the place. Next!

NC Battleaxe battle alert. Mo and Pat decide to lose weight competitively. Maybe Mo will cheat and there will be a storyline on the awful consequences of laxative abuse to coincide with a Body Image and the Elderly season.

TriniDad and Yolande visit Unconvincing Urchin in the children's home, where the kid has a bigger room than I had, festooned with posters of various 'urban' music stars, plus a poster for The Strokes. Hmmm...didn't think that one through, did we, set dressers? So anyway Yolande and TriniDad decide to try fostering. Which means we can look forward to regular appearances by attractively troubled teen muppets in need of TriniDad and Bad Brutha's guidance and help. Oh...goody...

I think we should start doing Footballers Wives updates instead. EE is flying off into the realms of the unbelievable - and I'd rather follow the family life of an illegitimate transgendered baby, its mother/grandmother, father/half-brother and his dead wives mates than this...

BEALEMEISTER VS EELMEISTER
by Mark
Luckily this lame urchin story is only going to last as long as the BBC "kids in care" season. Phew. Urchin impresses TriniDad with his knowledge of Lee "Scratch" Perry records while Bad Brutha lurks around suspiciously in the background. Yolande is going back to Jamaica to sort out her affairs after her divorce. Urchin boy steals a gold chain from her handbag but then is wracked with guilt and tries to put it back, but keeps being interrupted. The theft is discovered and everyone is building up to a "dramatic confrontation" when the doorbell rings - it is a couple of teachers from drama school coming to repossess Urchin boy until he can act for toffee. Only joking - he is dragged back to a childrens home. Bad Brutha feels bad but who cares.

Vickney runs around trying to lure people to a club in Dalston. Yeah! Dalston! Let's all die in a hail of bullets! No-one wants to go, surprisingly. Backstreet is growing his hair and it isn't looking good. Him, Micky, Gus and Julio have a card game in the Vic but don't let Vickney play. Fool finds out that they are playing for cash (playing Snap by the look of it. Muppets) and confiscates the cash. Whatever. Vickney cringes with horror when she gets a txt from Shazza and flirts with Ash some more.

Adull bosses Scalliq around on the stall and calls him an idiot. This week he is on the rag because Ash said Scalliq could sleep over at their house for a bit. Aargh, shut up, Adull! Scalliq gets pissed off and goes for his counselling sesh at the hospital. Scalliq pops home to get the books and finds Dadvis' shit elvis record and makes a sly face. You just know he is going to play it and touch himself in a lewd way. Scalliq goes back to Chez Ferreira, starts drinking whiskey and finds the Dadvis rekkid. At the stall some hooded scally nicks some coats. Apparently this is Scalliq's fault. Adull goes home and has a "dramatic confrontation" with Scalliq. He is all set to beat Scalliq up when scalliq says "hello! kidney donor!" Adull grinds his teeth with frustration. Scalliq tries out his scratching skillz with Dadvis' single and then dashes it to pieces on the floor. Ruh roh.

Gay Pike is pimping out some kind of weight watchers thing at the community centre. Next.

Nat moans at Big Brutha for playing her around and says she is going to visit a mate in Bristol for a bit. BB is sad.

Sham chastises Simpleton for earning no money at the caff. Sham has got wierd, flat 1970's hair. Simpleton is moving into a new, costlier flat and needs a pay rise. Meanwhile Sham gets a surveyor to value the caff. Ian overhears them discussing the value and his weasel ears prick up. Simpleton puts on an impromptu pie, eels and mash evening to earn extra cash and impress Sham but, oh, where can she purchase jellied eels at such short notice? Ian puts in a bid for the caff but Sham says he has to pay 10 grand more out of spite/loyalty to Fill. Ian tries to borrow the money off Poline but she tells him to fuck off after the property development/bankruptcy debacle. Byrite Andy gives a wierd nietzschean speech and says that Sham is the boss and she should choose who she sells the caff to. Will to power, Sham! Simpleton tries to trick Ian into revealing the name of his fish supplier but to no avail. Luckily Fool knows of a black market eel merchant. Seriously. I have given up on commenting on how lame EE is at the moment... Simpletons's eel evening is a great success but Sham sells the caff to Ian anyway - wow, she has all that money to spend on unfortunate hair cuts. Ian makes a hateful smug face and Simpleton is sad.

ADULL'S DONE RON WRONG
It's DJ Ross's 21st birthday. He's moping in his bed, feeling sorry for himself, when the Kidz (and Scalliq - the Scrappy Doo of the Ferreira Scooby Gang) appear like magic with some kicking deckx and a silver-coloured plastic key of the kind that mad grannies buy in bulk for when their grandchildren reach 21. The key's from Adull, and there's some slightly odd bollocks about DJ Ross having the "key", but still looking for the "door". Mmmm....DEEP. Adull resumes the cat's arse expression when Scalliq starts joking about "Dad"(vis), and runs off to manage his failing clothes stall.

Vickney surveys the debris of her broken dreams and decides to deconstruct Shazza's special dress from Denman. The phone rings, and we hear Shazza and Denman leaving a giggly message about how they haven't had a chance to see much yet (yeah, I bet you haven't), but Tenerife looks really nice. Adull hassles Vickney about the sweatshirts, and Vickney throws a teen muppet stroppette. She takes the Sweatshirt money, and tries to get Backstreet to serve her a vodka. He refuses, so she strops to the back of the pub and leaves 20 squids in exchange for a stolen bottle of "Russkey" vodka - from Russ Abbot's personal supply, no doubt. Now, I don't drink vodka, but I'm sure even a bottle of best quaity Stolly costs less than that...

The Unconvincing Urchin cooks breakfast for TriniDad and Yolande, who are bowled over by his chirpy charms. Bad Brutha isn't, and glares at him suspiciously. Juhneen, wearing the Black Leather Jacket of Doom, sees BB and Nat organising another "date", and bustles over to taunt BB about how it's evil and wrong for somebody as wicked as him to date Lovely Natalie and take on the twisted Offspring of Baz as well. BB looks sad and cancels the date because one hacky look from Juhneen still withers his spine.

Billy gets an oil stain on his wedding suit. He delivers some "packages" for Byrite in Byrite's posh car, and Byrite gives him some cash to get a new bespoke suit. Sham is looking at the "books" for the caff, trying to work out why, when it's nearly full most days, it's still not making any money - look just tell Dot, Nat, and Moomin that they can't sit there for hours, nursing a cup of stewed, cold tea and discussing Life with other EE types. Oh no, Byrite tells her to sell the caff, and Sham's mouth twitches approvingly.

Scalliq discovers that Adull is so wet, he can't even get 50 quid back off Vickney. Yodelling "Scrappy Dappy Doo!", he swings into action and finds Vickney sipping Vodka by the Swings of Contemplation. Judging by the state of the bottle, she has managed to drink a thimbleful, and she's pissed and shouting at passing old ladies already. What is it with young people of today? So, Scalliq demands the money back. She throws it at him and tells him that none of the Ferreiras really love him - they just want his healthy, pulsing kidney and then they'll throw him on the scrapheap of life. Scalliq skips back to the Ferreiras and presents Adull with the cash.

Adull storms out and finds Vickney wandering the streets, nearly-full bottle in hand. She overacts badly and shouts a lot about how crap siblings are, pretending that they love you and then snogging each other behind your back.Then for some reason she decides to climb the scaffolding (haven't they taken that down since Nick Cotton's incident with Mark that almost made Mark interesting? tsk!), while Adull bleats ineffectually down below. Anyway a train comes along while Vickney is dancing on the tracks, fails to run her over (damn you!), and Vickney gets scared. It's down to Ash to run to the rescue, which he does. And Vickney snogs him. I've said it before and I'll say it again. Jesus. Wept. What the fuck is going on here? This crap is making Eldorado look like Pinter.

JUST SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP, ADULL
It is the morning after the night of crypto etc etc loving. Denman is already dressed (damn him!) but Shazza is still in bed with tousled, post-lovin' style hair. This time she is not freaked out that she has shagged her brother and is ready for more, but then Vickney bounds in and shows them her hideous sweatshirts. Vickney fails to pick up the incest vibes and skips away once they have praised her "fashion" "designs".

Adull says "dad wouldn't do it like that" about fifty million times. Aargh, shut up! Apparently it is DJ Ross' birthday soon. Scalliq, Ash and Kareena plan buying some new deckx for him while Adull mopes around prissily in the background. Vickney delivers the sweatshirts, causing Adull to piss and moan some more.

Billy is worried that Byrite Andy will make him commit crimes but instead he just has to research horse racing or some such nonsense. Let's move on.

Yolande gets her divorce papers through. Her and Trini-dad plan to celebrate and ask Bad Brutha along, but he has a date with Nat. BB is unsure that his relationship is going anywhere. Yolande says that he should go for it as "there are too many broken hearts in the world." Who sang that? Rick Astley? Jason Donovan? Someone shit, that's for sure. Nat and BB talk about all the regrettable things they have done and then snog outside the Vic. Of course, Juhneen is walking past and stands there looking evil in her evil black coat.

Simpleton is having trouble finding somewhere new to live. Also the caff is doing badly all of a sudden, even though it always looks busy to me.

Adull hides all the sweatshirts at the back of the stall and then tells Vickney that they aren't selling because they're shit. Vickney is sad and says that she will go on holiday after all. Shazza rolls her eyes dementedly at the thought of not being able to knock boots with Denman. Then some girls find the sweatshirts and want to buy, like, a hundred of them so suddenly Vickney is back in business and can't go on holiday after all. This plot is so lame.

Speaking of lame plots, Trinidad and Yolande hear a disturbance downstairs and are all set to kall the kops when they discover that the intruder is a teen black urchin lad who has only broken in to find a bite to eat, guv'nor. Urchin boy spins a tale of woe involving absent fathers, no bus fare etc etc. Trinidad and Yolande bandage his wounded hand , give him a sandwich and say he can stay the night. Cor blimey guv'nor, you're a saint and a gentleman and no mistake, innit!

Shazza and Denman are struck blind by the force of plot contrivance and forget to take a huge, gigantic bag with them. Vickney grabs the bag and runs after the cab and spots them snogging each other in the back seat. Jesus, they couldn't even wait til they had left Walford? Slags, the pair of them. Vickney is shocked and appalled.

WE'RE ALL GOING ON A FREAKOID HOLIDAY
They're packing to go on holiday at Weird Family Central. Well, Denman and Shazza are. Denman carefully irons and folds three t-shirts and a jacket, and tries (unsuccessfully) to get them into Shazza's suitcase. He confesses that he's never been on a proper holiday before because Ma Rickman's idea of a summer break was to shut him in the garden shed with a sun lamp and a paddling pool. Shazza runs out to buy him a pair of swimming trunks, but only after she spends far too long looking him up and down and imagining him frolicking in the Spanish surf, shirtless and trunkless...stop that now, Shazza.

Vickney's "customised" sweatshirts are vile. Vile vile vile.

The Ferreiras have a bit of a scare about Ronny, and start drawing dotted lines and arrows around Scalliq's kidney area. Kareena tries to fatten him up a bit more while Adull continues moping about with the cat's arse expression.

Shirley decides to take Byrite to a tribunal - he probably thinks that's something out of Gladiator, dear - and various betting shop regulars mutter sympathetically. Somehow the "tribunal" is transmogrified into a slightly pathetic picket line, which gives TriniDad and Jim a chance to reminisce on their radical Marxist past - wouldn't have put Jim down as a member of the International Marxist Group's crash-helmeted shock troops of the 60s, but there you go. Anyway, Byrite doesn't do a Disney and get his gangland pals involved in a shopfront battle. Of course not. He's the World's Most Pathetic Evil Boss, as well as being the World's Worst Gangsta. He makes David Brent look like Richard Branson and gives Shirley a huge wodge of cash to bugger off. Which she does. She decides to sell the flat and visit her son in New Zealand. The cat is going "to a friend's". A likely story.

My spouse wonders if all the old Eastenders writers have emigrated and found jobs on Neighbours, leaving a bunch of teenage H-oaks fans in charge at the BBC.

Shazza wanders around the Square, looking winsome and wondering winsomely about Den's love potential. Poline and Kyert warn her that Denman is nothing but a crawling king snake who's bad to the bone and nothin' but a low down cheating loser who will bring her nothing but heartache. Shazza tries to get out of going on holiday with Den, but he catches her sniffing his discarded shirts, and they have a weird argument about how all this sick wrongness will rebound on Shazza, and she'll lose her entire Weird Family. Then she starts snogging Denman and I wonder what time The Brits will start. Even Cat Deeley's dresses make more sense than this.

Billy decides to try and get a job. Sham says she's had to cut down to only one bitch these days, and Araminta got in there first. Billy goes to Byrite's to try for Shirley's job, but Byrite instead offers him a position as Byrite's Bitch. Billy realises how embarrassing it would be to be the World's Worst Gangsta's bitch, but Mo's taunting pushes him too far, and he takes the job.

Moomin is invited to tea chez Fowler, but she's late back from a lecture and the tea's all spoiled. MMartin and Poline are angry because she's obviously forgetting where she came from and spending too much time hobnobbing with faaaancy high class nursing types.

THE CRYPTO FACTOR
By Mark
There is much awkwardness around the Weird Family Central breakfast table. The photo from the ball arrives (of Shazza gazing lovingly at the side of Denman’s manly neck) and Vickney and Denman really like it and put it in a frame. Shazza is sad because it reminds her of her sick, wrong lust all the time. The cops come round and say they haven’t got enough evidence to charge them for arson so Shazza decides that the three of them are going on holiday. She goes on one of her weird nostalgia trips and decides that they have to go to the exact same ghastly Costa resort as where she went with her folks in the 70s.

Byrite Andy says he has a massivo surprise for Sham but it turns out that he has only bought the betting shop. Sham thinks it is a bit shit – let's face it, it’s no glamorous railway arch mechanics shop. He immediately starts annoying Shirley (back out of the plot cupboard with new, improved hair) by taking money out of the till and messing up her banking. When she moans about it he sacks her but Shirley says “no, actually, I quit”. Sham looks at Andy like she is beginning to realise what a dick he is.

Kyert also reappears but doesn’t do much.

Adull is pining for his evil abusive dad. Scalliq offers to help on the stall and tries to win Adull over with his happy go lucky ways and excellent salesmanship. Adull moans about everything. Shut up Adull.

Moomin has made her hair-don’t look halfway decent. She goes shopping with Vickney while Dot makes faces and implies that she is turning into a Painted Jezebel. Jim says that Moomin is like “one of those posh new york ladies with all the shopping bags”. Who would have thought that Jim was a Sex and the City fan? Martin suggests that Vickney uses her unique Fashion Powers as a force for good. She offers to get some groovy threads for the Ferriera stall. Adull says no but then Scalliq nicks £50 from the till and gives it to Vickney to make some of her fashion-forward, cut-up sweatshirts. Vickney runs around squealing “I’m a fashion designer!”

Bad Brutha tentatively asks Nat out for another date. She says yes. Pat thinks it is too soon. Pat needs to lay off the fake tan.

Adull has another bratty fit over the sweatshirts but Ash and Kareena both take Scalliq’s side. Ash says “We have to pull together for DJ Ross” about a hundred times. Adull pulls sour faces - maybe Dadvis is actually dead and his malevolent spirit has possessed Adull.

Shazza books a trip to Costa Concrete Cancer for Thursday. Vickney says that she can’t go as she has to fulfil her massive sales order of 5 frigging sweatshirts by then. Can’t you just stay up late one night, Vickney? Such a lame excuse. Denman says “It looks like it’s just us two then, Shazza” and licks his lips saucily. Shazza looks shocked, yet secretly tempted…

I BELIEVE IN A THING CALLED FREAKISH CRYPTO-INCEST
I'm willing to bet that last night most veteran EE watchers thought they'd been transported by Quantum Leap-style technology into a parallel universe where EastEnders was transformed into fucking Hollyoaks. What the hell is going on here? Valentine's balls? Ugly duckling makeovers? Hall decor crises? Jesus wept.

Kareena decides to cook Scalliq a delicious final family meal before he hands over the body organs. But Adull is still trying to dob him in it with Dadvis, except that Dadvis has disappeared into the heart of Goa and not even his own brother can find him. Adull returns home to find Scalliq joking with Kareena and Ash over one of Madhur's delicious-but-accessible recipes: he gives Scalliq the same look that my cat throws at the baby when she starts crying, and stomps off huffily.

Shazza has put MY Gus and Juley in charge of decorating the Community Centre for the Valentine's Ball - eh? I missed something somewhere didn't I? Ruh roh. They screw it up and Shazz throws a very blonde strop. It's up to Denman to tell her that she's too strong to be knocked sideways by a badly-drawn banner and some cheap balloons, but Shazz carries on stropping. Oh, and she gets a Valentine's card from Juley, but thinks it's from Denman and keeps staring at him.

Denman proves for once and for all that he really is completely and utterly gay by saving the day on the hall decoration front with a few strategically placed blackout curtains and a bunch of fairy lights. Shazza helps him handle his hammer suggestively while staring some more.

There's lots of this lingering stare stuff. In fact every time Denman and Shazza come within ten feet of each other, they have to spend at least an hour staring at each other with quizzical longing. And funnily enough - nobody notices, not even Bad Brutha and Nat while they are watching them slow dance. Bad Brutha does not turn to Nat and say: "There's something funny going on there. Aren't they related?" - he merely adjusts his cheap white tuxedo and asks Nat for a dance. So, he's going to move on to Nat out of guilt now, I suppose. Good on yer Nat - that'll get right up Juhneen's little nosey and make her even more evil. Hurrah!

Sonia feels frumpy - well I'm not surprised when you wear a pink-flecked round-necked jumper that even Dot would think was a bit on the dull side, love. She continues with her can't go to the ball excuse and MMartin actually looks rather sad. Then Vickney spots her sneaking around when she's supposed to be working, and has a go at Sonia for being shallow and concerned only with appearances (ummm...Vickney? OK...leave it). So there's the girly makeover scene where the pretty girl patronises the not-so-pretty girl and goes to the party feeling really good about herself. Sonia turns up a few minutes after Vickney, having done something really odd to her hair and added a few bits of diamante to the dress. MMartin is impressed and they lick each other a lot during the slow dance.

CHARLIE IN CHAINS
Gay Pike is still having trouble getting a liquor license for the Ball, but then it turns out that Officious Baldy Bloke can get a license dead easy whenever he wants or something. So that's alright then. Kellay and Teen arrange to go with Gus and Backstreet as their respective dates. Juley is trying pitifully to woo Shazza. Moomin gets her non-skank dress (with no mention of where the money came from) but still doesn't feel pretty when she puts it on. Martin says she looks great all the time but Moomin isn't convinced. She lies and says she has to work when the Ball is on. Does that mean Dot held up the post office for nothing?

Sham and Byrite Andy discuss the slendour that will be the new, improved, super deluxe snookerall/Angies Den combo. Shazza is all set to sign away the club when she spots Sham's name buried amongst the legalese. She makes a huffy face, flounces around a bit, pretends that she is going to sign and writes "screw you bastards" on the signature line and storms off. She tells Denman that she is going to discuss the matter with O-Den. Finally.

Arrange the following words to create a familiar Eastenders scene: Bad Brutha. Nat. Jack. Babysitting. Juhneen. Spiteful.

Some Slaters go to visit Charlie in prison. He seems to be having a nice time, actually, even though he has to wear these really gay looking reins over his jumper, like they make toddlers wear so they can stop them running off. He seems to be very popular with the other inmates but I dread to think why. Mo spots some fat beardy crim friend in the visiting room and they have a nice chat.

Scalliq sits at home, savouring the feeling of having two kidneys and listening to the Streets. How very two years ago. Kareena hears that DJ Ross has finally woken up. Meanwhile Adull is still being a spiteful wee bitch. Kareena asks if he would ever give up a kidney for Scalliq and Adull makes a pissy face. Kareena and Scalliq arrange that she will see Ross first and then Scalliq can go once they have explained the whole stupid plot to him. Of course it all goes wrong and Scalliq arrives first. Ross is all confused and doesn't like being a system addict, hooked to a machine (as Five Star prophetically sang, so many years ago). We have to sit through of hours of Scalliq explaining the whole thing to Ross. Oh give me strength. At this rate they are going to make us watch them explain it all to Dadvis and Maddhur over several weeks too. Anyway, Ross is pissed off and throws Scalliq out. When the other kids arrive Ross moans about Scalliq and asks whose kidney he is getting. They tell him it is Scalliq's - duh - and he makes a gurny face.