HE AIN'T SCALLY, HE'S YOUR BROTHER
Dot finally remembers that she's a christian and decides that if Sonia can forgive Martin then she can too. She makes Jim grudgingly agree. She says that Martin can come round for tea and can fuck Sonia and everything. Wa hey.

All the Slaters continue to add bits of money to Charlie's legal defence fund. He gets a letter from the Cabbie Council giving him right to appeal to get his badge back. Sullen and AGarry do not feel they are pulling their weight, defence fund wise as all AG's spare cash goes to Simpleton to support the Freak Genetic Experiment. Sullen tries to persuade AG to be a deadbeat dad but he won't so Sullen decides to get off her lazy arse and look for work for a change. She gets a job at the Kwik-E-Mart and is immediately confronted by Simpleton buying olive oil, the decadent bitch. Sullen acts like the job is really stressful when it totally isn't so AGarry says she can quit and that Simpleton will just have to "use lard like everyone else". That was funny yet also disturbing. Agarry confronts Simpleton despite his fear that she can "kill just by flaring a nostril"and says that he can't afford to keep her in olive oil for the time being. Simpleton goes into super venomous mode and says that if he doesn't pay hard cash then he doesn't get access to Bobby. AG compromises and says that he will pay her back all the money he owes when Charlie has sorted out his problems. Simpleton agrees, but does lots of evil, intense glaring anyway.

Slutty helps the Slater finances by not charging her family for drinks. Sham spots her doing it, has a mentalist episode in the name of Fill, and reprimands Fool. Fool in turn tells off Slutty, who apologises really sarcastically and says she will make up the money and explain to Shamantha. Fool gives some cash to Charlie anyway so Slutty rewards him with instant sex while Silent Tracey is stuck alone at the bar. I bet she hates the pair of them. Meanwhile, Sham contemplates buying Angies Den. I bet she will call it "Fill's Radiant Hole" or something, seeing as that is her favourite topic of conversation these days.

Dadvis suddenly fucks off to Goa to visit relatives (cough*work permit problems*cough). Scalliq promises to Mickey that he will confess all to Kareena. He agrees to meet her at the playground after work. Scalliq says that he is so nervous that he wants to fly to Marrakesh. Eh? Maybe he read all those William Burroughs books about hot gay morrocan boys. Kareena puts on a flimsy pyschadelic top for the occasion. Dude, you are going to the Swings of Contemplation not Studio 54. When they meet, Scalliq beats around the bush until Kareena says "Admit it, you lurrve me!" Scalliq says "No, I hate you because you are a dog and I never want to go out with you." Kareena is sad. Scalliq has an existential crisis, runs around in a strop and keeps bumping into (both literally and figuratively) the same group of shaven headed spides. In the end one of them pushes him in the chest. DJ Ross protests and all the spides start beating Ross up. Maybe they are the fashion police coming to investigate crimes against hair styling products.

Pat and Rickay discuss their fears about Juhneen. Rickay is wracked with doubt and makes lots of "brain hurt, must think harder" type faces. In the end he hands Liam over to Gus for the evening and sits in the dark so the bright lights and shiny objects don't disturb his delicate thought processes. When Juhneen gets home he tells her that he wants to know the Absolute Truth about Baz's death. Juhneen says that there is no such thing as truth and that it is all a contingent narrative predicated on the uncertain relationship between language and quote reality unquote. Only joking, she tries to bluff it out and then looks scared when she realises that Rickay might be on to something.

MURDER, SHE HOPED
Pat does some ace Acorn Antiques style acting while pretending to be lost in thought at the caff and then having to serve coffee. She is racked with indecison after Bad Brutha hinted that Juhneen was "dangerous". Nat starts wittering on about how she is glad she stopped being suspicious as it means she can move on etc etc. Pat makes her cover her shift at the caff while she goes into No-longer-a-Girl Detective mode and interviews Juhneen and Bad Brutha about the curious incident of the Baz in the night-time.

Mickey Finhead tells Scalliq that he has to tell Kareena that they are related. Scalliq tries to weasle out of it for a change. Kareena has convinced herself that Scalliq didn't jump her bones because he respects her too much. Like, what a delusionoid. she spends all the episode lurking around, flicking her hair and grinning scarily at Scalliq. Gus interviews a lady for the flat (but rejects her because she has a creepy inappropriate relationship with her pet dalmation) and Scalliq puts the moves on her in front of Kareena to prove that he doesn't love her. Then he chickens out at the last minute - how pathetic, he can't even be a full on weasel. Anyway, Kareena sees all this and thinks he loves her even more.

Sullen is having a cup of tea with Charlie in the caff when Juhneen comes in and starts going on about how Charlie has to work loads of awful late night shifts. Sullen grinds her teeth while Charlie grovels and scrapes to Juhneen and later goes to the portacabin and starts shrieking at Juhneen for being too harsh. Juhneen totally deflates the situation by being all reasonable but then does a patented Evil Juhneen Smile and finds an excuse to sack Charlie. Charlie starts whining about how much he needs the job and Juhneen says "where is your dignity?" and then makes evil faces once he has slunk off.

Dot and Poline continue to battle for the future of Moomin's chastity. Dot moans that she never sees Sonia any more. Poline points out that she would see more of her if she accepted her relationship with Martin.

Byrite Andy lies around in bed with his shirt off (nothing to write home about) and complains when Sham says she has to go off and do gangsta type stuff. More lame flirtatious single entendres about how Sham is a "hands on boss". Sham makes Minty go around and get property details from all the local estate agents and then suggests that they review them over a bottle of wine. Minty gets all excited but when he shows up with his bottle of ?2.79 corner shop plonk (sham says "You shouldn't have. Like, really you shouldn't...") he is immediately told to sod off as Andy shows up a second later with some fancy champagne. Minty trudges away disconsolately, his heart broken into a thousand tiny pieces.

Shazza tries to get a bank loan to rebuild the club and fails. Denman consoles her (not like that, but I'm sure it won't be too long...)

After all her investigatin' and a-sleuthin', Pat decides that Juhneen is, in fact, still evil. she goes to Rickay and tells him that Bad Brutha thinks that Juhneen is "dangerous". Rickay storms round and slams Bad Brutha up against a wall and shouts at him for "spreading accustions", only he can barely even say "accusations" himself. That's what you get for making Rickay try and say a word with four syllables in it. Him and Paul take it in turns to throw each other against walls and grab each other's faces. Get a room, boys. In the end Bad Brutha shouts at Rickay that he has to ask Juhneen what happened as she was there and she is the only one who really knows the TRUTH. Rickay looks confused. Like, even more than usual.

THE SHAW-SHAM REDEMPTION
Mo can't sell her dodgy Russian fags until Teen points out that people in Hoxditch will buy any old shite as long as it is imported. Mo goes round all the "poncey wine bars" and sells all her fags and then runs off to find Mickey to buy some more. Meanwhile, Kellay and Teen spot that Kareena is sad about Scalliq and offer to give her a make over and trick him into meeting her. Their make-over tenplate is Olivia Newton John at the end of Grease. Ha ha ha. Xanadu would have been better though. Scalliq appears to have the pelt of a mangy dog sewn onto the hood of his coat. When he shows up at the secret renezvous, Kareena has big hair, lots of make up and is wearing a red spangly halter neck top. she doesn't look bad, actually. If Scalliq has chills which are multiplying then he certainly doesn't lose control and runs away when she tries to kiss him.

Dot and Poline have words about Martin/Moomin. Dot: against. Poline: for

Shazza and Denman bicker about what to do about the club. Shazza contemplates phoning O-Den but then doesn't. They make up and Denman says he will support her whatever she wants. I bet he will. Denman mocks Sham for relying on Andy and she makes a disparaging comment about the size of Denman's cock.

Sham discovers that Andy is recovered enough to leave the Vic and desperately offers more sex if he will stay. Andy: Thanks but no thanks. Andy is wandering off when he is accosted by heavies who say he is no longer welcome on the mean streets of Ilford. The main heavy is a stubbly lunk with a giant chin who looks exactly like Desperate Dan - bribe him with cow pies, Andy! Byrite slinks back to Sham but then I miss a bit. Doh.

Nat is surprised and pissed off that Rickay is moving in with Juhneen. Gus is sad and starts looking for a new flatmate. They have farewell drinks at the Vic and Sham homophobically mocks their pure bond of manly friendship. When they move over to Juhneen's, Juhneen tells Liam that it is better to be spoiled than to grow up to be a rapacious, whoring, gold-digging murderess so she will buy him anything he ever wants. There is some carry on with Juhneen throwing away Baz's 70's records (David Bowie? I don't think so - it would be non-stop Racey and Darts for Baz) and Pat finding them. Juhneen makes excuses that it is all part of her coping-with-the-grief extravaganza. Later on Bad Brutha (who has been moping/drinking/sitting on Losers Bench all ep) starts muttering that Juhneren is dangerous and bad to the bone etc. Pat makes an anxious face.

DENMAGNUM FORCE
Billy tells the Slaters where Drippy has gone and they all tear their hair out/gnash their teeth etc etc. In addition Charlie gets a letter from the Cabbie Council saying that he has to hand in his badge and his gun (OK, just his badge). They all mope around a bit and then decide that tomorrow is another day/to give Drippy a Reason to Return/to get their shit together - they will raise money to fight Charlie's legal battle and so on. Charlie gets a (badly paid) job driving a car for Juhneen. Teen reduces prices at her stall to raise more cash and Mo buys some knocked off fags from Mickey Finhead - it turns out that they are Russian ones that are probably made out of grass and old newspaper. Mickey squeals "Caveat Emptor, innit!" Mo bellows "I don't even speak Russian!" and Mickey scampers off before she can batter him with a rolling pin. Comedy gold.

Dot whines to Poline about Sonia and Martin fornicating all the time. Poline finds out the facts and then tells Martin she doesn't mind as long as it doesn't intefere with sonia's studies and that they can do it at her house whenever they want. wow - Poline being a reasonable parent. The end times truly are a-coming.

Juhneen turns on the waterworks to convince Rickay to move into her house. she hugs Liam and says "I'm your new mummy now!" Okayyyyy.

Scalliq prints up some flyers saying "Bhangra Night - DJ-ed by the handsome-ist, most sexy DJ Ross evah!!" but Ross still rejects him. Kareena (who is back from Maddhur's house) tells him to give him a chance and says she is going to play the long game to get Scalliq back. Ross finds Scalliq - tears staining his pitiful flyers - and agrees to DJ. Scalliq is happy etc but is probably thinking "shit, now I actually have to book a club"

Denman and Shazz have lots of terse conversations about the Sham Situation while Vickney mopes around saying "what's going on?". Shazza goes to see the insurance blokey but he still won't pay, however low Shazza makes her voice sound. Meanwhile that bitch Sham gets her insurance payout easy peasy. Oh the injustice! Shazza goes into Girl Detective mode and browbeats Bill into not denying that he didn't burn the club down. It's not what I would call "beyond reasonable doubt" but it's enough for shazza. She confronts Sham and says that if Sham pays for the refurb of the club then shazza won't take it any further. Sham makes loads of scared faces and then says she doesn't know what Shazza is talking about and strops off to scream at Billy for being weak. I think that sham'n'shaz should solve their conflict in time honoured soap opera fashion - a catfight in a swimming pool whilst wearing glamorous evening wear. Come on, you know it makes sense! Denman decides to put more pressure on and pops round the arches, starts fondling various containers of flammable substances, playing with matches etc and talking about how awful it would be if Sham's entire pitiful "business empire" burnt down too. sham mutters "you wouldn't dare" and then strops off to scream at Billy and Mince to increase security. Noting the low quality of her minions, she goes to see byrite Andy and begs him to help her in return for letting him doss at the Vic. He says no. Sham strops off (which she does a lot in this episode) and finds Denman confronting Mince and Billy - Denman bitch-slaps Minty into submission immediately and is ranting at Sham and Billy when Andy suddenly appears and tells him to back off or else. Or else what? You'll make him attend an anger management course? I suppose Andy does know that Denman capped old Mad Frankie Knuckles a while back. Denman slinks off and Sham and Andy run into the back room, make arch comments about how they make a great team and then start snogging each other - careful Sham, you'll lick his "bruises" off at that rate....

SLATER VS SLATER
Oh God this episode is going to be unbearable to recap - nothing funny happens and it is just non stop whining and snivelling.

takes deep breath, goes to fetch alcoholic beverage

First of all let's get all the trivial shit out of the way. Sham flirts annoyingly with Byrite Andy under the guise of "going to check the books" - which actually are kept in books; how quaint. Shazza ventures into the burnt out club for the first time and is shocked at the "devastation" - ie. someone has knocked all the chairs over and sprayed everything black. She flaunts her architect/bold redevelopment plans in Sham's face but later finds out that the insurance company might not pay out. Juhneen keeps sniffing round Bad Brutha and is rebuffed. She suggests that Rickay and Liam move into the house with her. Sham is nice to Billy and says he should have told her. Billy sings a few verses of "If I could turn back time" - but without drsssing like a ho and straddling a giant naval cannon. Sadly.

Basically though this is All Slaters: All the Time. Charlie gets a letter saying that Graham is going to sue his ass for beating him up. Charlie starts bellowing self righteously until it is pointed out that if you a) beat someone up and b) plead guilty then you are basically fucked. Charlie seems to find this a big shock. How this man survived to the age of 60 and fathered 18 annoying loud daughters is a mystery. I bet Darwin is spinning in his grave. Drippy thinks that it is all her fault. She wants to go to work to avoid overhearing all the Slaters trying to talk each other into talking her into having an abortion. Outside, everyone stares at her and nudges each other. Gossip-o-rama. Drippy hunches her shoulders and tries to hide beneath her unfeasibly large hair. At the pub, Fool gives her non-work to do upstairs. When she comes down she runs into Charlie and has to listen to him pissing and moaning about the way that vigilante thugs are so ill-served by the criminal justice system. Slutty gets Drippy on her own and lectures her for hours about how if Drippy has the baby she will ruin everyones life - everyone will gossip and tease the kid, all the Slaters will resent it for the suffering it has caused, Billy will never love her again, the kid will probably turn out to have satanic powers and usher the world into a fiery apocalype etc etc. Aaargh! Who is this frosty mama and what has she done with the real Slutty? Drippy makes "mummy, make the scary lady go away" faces
and then runs off. Teen crutches after her and says she will stand up for Drippy. Drippy whimpers that she isn't strong enough. She gets out the phone book (to call her agent, no doubt) and books an apointment at an abortion clinic. Once she has gone, Teen crutches off to Billy (crutch Teen! crutch!) and tells him that he has to stop her. Billy falls for her non-logic and dashes off.

At the clinic, Drippy chats to various friendly, ethnically diverse staff and is about to have her consultation when Billy arrives and asks if they can talk. He says he doesn't want her to do anything she doesn't want to do. They whinge on for fucking hours about how they still wuv each other until Graham came along and messed ity up. They go "You're my hero!" "No, you're my hero!" until Bill confesses that he torched tha Den because he had angst etc. Drippy says it is her fault for being weak. Or something. I don't care. They are acting their little socks off and I am thinking "Mo has got very blue eyes." In the end Billy gets Drippy to admit that she doesn't want to have the abortion. Drippy says she will move far away so she can have the kid without everyone gossipping etc. Billy asks her to stay and they can get back together but Drippy gets him to admit that he can't love the kid and says she is definitely going - first to Belinda's and then - who knows? A handy Taxi of Finality shows up and Drippy gets in, after her and Billy stroke each other's faces and whimper for three more hours - the Taxi drives off and Billy cries.

SHAZZA UNLEASHED
Sham, and later Billy, are questioned by DS Estelle Morris and her stubbly side kick. They mention that the snooker hall was losing money, that Sham is related to Fill "Mr Potatohead of Crime" Mitchell and that Billy used to work at the club and knows all it's top secret secrets etc. Sham is quite cool, compared to yesterday, but Billy acts all guilty. Denman wants to wreak a terrible revenge against Sham but Shazza tells him not to do anything that could send him back to HM Lakeland Plastics. Denman ambushes Sham and tells her that he is going to get his own back, but that he is going to take his time about it so that she least expects it. Sham spends the whole episode being nauseatingly nice to Shazza, while Shazza's bottom jaw wobbles back and forth so fast that it starts to smoke and issue a low pitched hum. In the end she is about to smack Sham in the face but Kyert and Denman grab a shoulder pad each and hold her back. I wish Shazza was having a vendetta with a lady who didn't have such a similar name.

Nat asks to see Bad Bro and apologises for flying off the handle when she discovered that Bazza had gone up to the Great Fried Food Emporium in the Sky. BB finds out from Pat that Nat is having money trouble now that Baz is dead. What is Nat's job anyway? BB is wracked with guilt (still) and gives her most of the money that Juhneen gave him yesterday.

Rickay says he is going to look into the books/car suppliers etc and confirms that he will be opening any cans of worms that he might come across (yes, I saw that spoiler email that was going around...)

Dot and Jim express concern that Moomin is going out with the boy WHO MURDERED THE LOVE OF HER LIFE but Moomin is all Stepford Wife happy and serene and doesn't care. Who you gonna call? A cult deprogrammer!

Fool goes crawling to Sham to get Andy evicted. When Sham finds out that Andy is a gangsta (albeit the worst gangster evah) she says he can stay as long as he likes but he owes her a favour.

The headline of the Walford Gazzette is "Disco Inferno". Ok, heh.

A cute, semi naked man does some washing in the laundrette thus giving Dot and Poline something to talk about. Thumbs up to gratuitous nudity. Drippy takes some washing in and has a funny turn, causing D and P to instantly guess that she is pregnant - before long everyone knows. Meanwhile everyone keeps coming up to Billy and begging him to sort out his issues with Drippy. Maybe they could go on Trisha or something. It is even worse when word gets round that Drippy is with child. In the end Billy stands up in the Vic and announces to everyone that Drippy was raped and is having the baby (seeing as how she is soft hearted and pure etc etc) and that Billy can't have anything to do with the baby. Drippy, who is working in the Vic at the time, runs away and everyone else looks shocked and appalled etc. Nicely acted and all but this episode was pretty dull.

EASTIES UPDATES: THE NEXT GENERATION
Just to let you all know that Sarah had her baby daughter at the weekend and that they are both doing fine. Hurray!!

BURNING DOWN THE HOUSE
Shazza and Vickney return to the Square in a cab. Vickney has also been attacked by the Red Felt Tip Pen of Hurtiness. Mickey is standing outside her house looking forlorn for some reason. Once they get her in, Shazz and Denman give her the third degree about what she was doing at the club. Vickney says she had forgotten her phone. So lame. Shazza asks if she was smoking and throwing petrol around whilst looking for her phone. Vickney says not. shazza leaves and Denman asks her about the dodgy booze so Vickney confesses all.

Over at Camp Mitchell, Sham is wracked with guilt at almost killing Vickney. Mince says she has to be strong etc. Billy is also wracked with guilt, especially as everyone is saying he is a brave hero. Sham makes him take some flowers round to Vickney. He does so and they all stand round awkwardly. Later on the cops arrive and question the Wattseses. It turns out that the dodgy liquor didn't burn very well so Vickney admits that she bought it "for a party". The coppers basically think that Shazza torched the place for the insurance. Shazza is sad.

Bad Brutha is back. He is still sad etc about Baz and says that TriniDad can't discuss it with him. Juhneen makes him sign a bit of paper about the joint account they set up and then gives him loads of money out of the account. Bad Brutha takes it reluctantly. Meanwhile Juhneen expects Rickey to start working for her straight away. Two words Juhneen: "Notice" "period". Rickay says he will phone Sham to give his notice, but when he does, Sham is too wracked with guilt to answer the phone so she gets the bad news from Juhneen instead, makes spiteful faces and rushes over to the arches to sack Rickay. Juhneen lets Rickay sell cars straight away and he immediately spots a pretty lady customer and makes a "how're you doin'?" Joey from Friends type face.

Martin has bought a cheap biro as a present for Moomin's first day at Nursing College but he can't give it to her as Dot is chaperoning her to the bus stop for some reason. They arrange to meet at the Vic but then it turns out that Dot and Poline are going to be there as well. Moomin is late so Dot and Poline start going on about Sonia is too good for the likes of them these days. Jesus, she is going to college with nursing students, not the frigging Dalai Lama. when Moomin shows up, Martin gives her the pen and says he doesn't know why their Love has to be a Secret Love. If it was good enough for Doris Day then it's good enough for you, sonny. Moomin snogs him right there in the pub and Dot makes a sour face.

Charlie gets a letter from the Cabbie Council (is that like the Jedi Council?) saying that they are going to review his license on account of him being a big thug and all. When Drippy finds out about Billy's heroic actions she goes to congratulate him but he tells her to fuck off. Drippy: sad.

Fool and Slutty argue about them sheltering Byrite Andy. Slutty says she has to be nice to him after ditching his sorry ass at the altar. It turns out that the other gangsters thought he was rubbish too and gave him his P45. Wrapped round a large brick. Backstreet picks up on the tension and goes to shout at Andy for trying to come between Slutty and Fool. I'm sorry Backstreet, but you are striking fear into no-one with that gay H&M style ensemble you are wearing.

Denman runs into Mickey and roughs him up a bit so that Mickey never involves Vickney in his dodgy scams again. Mickey is wearing shit loads of foundation - maybe he is really spotty in real life or something. Denman begins to suspect that Sham might have arranged the fire. Him and Shazza run into Sham and Mince in the street and mention the word "Arson" - Sham makes loads of mentalist faces and says "I couldn't have committed arson, me and Minty were at the restaurant so we would have an alibi!" Dear Sham, never ever ever play poker. Yours sincerely, everyone. Shazza and Denman are discussing the whole thing back at their flat when Kyert appears for no reason and says that she knows that the snooker hall was losing money and that Fill wanted to get rid of it. Shazza makes lots of wobbly jaw type faces so Denman asks what she is going to do. Shazza says "If Sham wants to play with matches then she's going to get burnt." and then phones the cops...

VICKNEY SEARS?
Rickay doesn't want to work for Juhneen as he feels loyal to Fill. Juhneen says that Rickey can have Ultimate Greasemonkey Power if he comes to work for her and generally lays big doses of emotional blackmail on him. Rickay says "will I be a partner?" Juhneen says "Yes... eventually, like in 2050 or something" Rickay agrees and they hug and drink to their new business venture.

Fool and Slutty argue for about half an hour about the stupid plastic boxes. The highpoint is when Slutty says "Storage is storage!". I say no more. In the end they make up and chase each other round the pub, squealing hysterically.

Billy turns off all the security systems and pours some whiskey (mmm, whiskey) onto a cushion to start a fire. Then, instead, he decides to think about it, look conflicted, drink the delicious whiskey as god intended, etc etc. Meanwhile Vickney puts bottles on the shelves - incredibly slowly as if they are full of ntroglycerine instead of cheapo booze.

Sullen finds that Drippy is sitting up in the dark. Drippy needs to sort her hair out. She talks about how she thought that Billy had forgiven her but then he fucked off again. Drippy moans that she thought it would be easy to have her rapists bastard child but that it is turning out to be surprisingly complicated. Sullen dares to express an opinion of her own so Drippy tells her to go away.

Sham and Minty eat Indian food while Sham flashes her cleavage at every man in the restaurant so that they remember her. Minty keeps blinking coquettishly, stroking Sham's hand etc. I think someone has a little crush. Sham calls him "Mints" but it sounds like she says "Mince" instead. Tee hee.

Kellay comes out of her room and starts to talk to Teen. After about two seconds they are shrieking at each other like fishwives - fishwives who are very far away form each other. At one point Teen tells Kellay to keep it down and Kellay shouts "why? are you worried the neighbours will fink we're LEZ-BE-ANS!" Kellay does wierd stagey things like get up off one chair and then going to sit on another chair about three fee away. In the end Kellay says that she isn't gay, actually, but loves Teen and just snogged her because she thought she was going to die. Teen says that she kissed her back as she thought she was going to die too. That's OK then.

Vickney - must... move.... bottles.... slowly...

Billy looks at a picture of him and Drippy and then uses the photo to light the fire. Fwoosh! What a drama queen. He then runs away and bumps into Scalliq outside. Scalliq is drunk - no doubt drowning his sorrows over DJ Ross' hard heartedness. Billy then goes to sit in the caff where he is mocked by Denman some more. Backstreet sees smoke coming out of Angie's Den and runs into the caff to squeal a bit before calling 999. Mickey squeaks "Vickney's in there!" Billy starts freaking out and they all run over to the club, apart from Denman who goes to check whether Vickney is at home.

Vickney finally notices that smoke is coming under the door. She starts making her way towards a fire extinguisher (instead of, say, the exit) before coughing a bit and collapsing under a pump of product-placed Caffreys Beer.

Billy, Backstreet and Mickey mill around outside the club before Billy decides that he's going in. Shaz and denman show up. Shazza squeals "Oh no! I lost Hero Fireman Tom to a flamey firey death! I can't lose Vickney the same way!" Ha ha ha. Billy spends half an hour looking round the flamey, hot, firey, etc etc club (I don't think it is that big...) before finally heading for the product placement and spotting Vickney. He carries her out and passes her to the ambulance men who give her oxygen etc. Shaz and Denman praise Billy for his heroics. Billy is embarassed, as well he should be. Sham and Minty show up and then run away again. Vickney is rushed off to hospital.

A car drives into the square and dumps a body in the gutter. Fool and Slutty are making up after their incredibly boring argument when there is a knocking on the door. In the end Fool answers and Byrite Andy collapses on the floor. It looks like he has been attacked, or at least his face has been attacked with a red felt tip pen...

I'M THE FIRESTARTER! COCKNEY FIRESTARTER!
Charlie has to go back for sentencing in a few weeks', but in the meantime he's all serene and self-righteous, which confuses the Slater women no end. Billy mutters that it should have been him, but then Billy's not a cabbie with secret cabbie knowledge of the best places to beat up abductees and wreck one's only source of livelihood into the bargain, so he couldn't have done it even if he was that stupid.

Moomin isn't due back at Moomin Nurse college yet, so she spends the day giggling with MMartin on his stall. MY Gus catches up with her in the caff and asks her to say it ain't so. Moomin gazes dementedly at him and says that she knows that Jaymee would want her to be happy, even if it is with the man who KILLED HIM.

MY Gus looks heartbroken, and very very confused. But never mind, here's Kellay looking heartbroken too. Maybe they can console each other and become the Avenging Angels of Albert Square after all. MY Gus polishes his halo and tells Kellay and Teen to sit down and talk to each other about whatever it is that is bothering them. Teen tries, but Kellay runs off and cries.

You know you're in a bad way when Billy Mitchell is the lone voice of reason. Araminta and Sham are all fired up (sorry) about torching the snooker hall and Angie's Den into the bargain. When Billy points out that all any insurer has to do is look at "the books" to work out why the snooker hall went up in flames, Araminta says that's all right, we'll just torch the Wattses place as well because we hates them. Sham gets all excited and changes into her Posh-Spice-Gone-Bad cream suit. Billy looks incredulous. Sham and Araminta spend the rest of the day drawing plans of the night club in an exercise book and writing down exactly how, when and where they are going to light the matches. Nutters.

Billy, in the meantime, gets a message to see Drippy. But Drippy hasn't decided to abort the Grahamette, and Billy storms out again. He goes back to Sham and spouts some nonsense about helping his real family - the one that has repeatedly crapped on and neglected him for years...you know...like a real family. Anyway, he's going to torch the Den because he knows how to hide in the toilets without being detected by Denman.

Fool is fed up of Slutty's stuff cluttering up his bedroom - you'd never think a couple of leather mini skirts and a hundred tiny trashy t-shirts could take up so much room. He gives Slutty some cash to go and buy a new wardrobe, but she spends it on a nice coat instead, and buys a couple of plastic boxes to store Fool's West Ham shirts in. I don't see what is wrong with this, but Mr P sighed theatrically at this point, so it must be a man thing.

Vickney's plans for the Valentine's ball (it's only January, ffs) are heating up. She designs trashy invitations that Shazza gets her Magic Printer to print in nanoseconds; and orders a pile of dodgy brandy (is that what the young people are drinking these days?) from Mickey Finhead. Denman finds out and tells her to call the deal off and give him his money back. Vickney pouts rebelliously.

Drippy whines at Kyert, who has a copper flashback and tells her that keeping the Grahamette might work against her in court. Drippy dismisses Kyert so that she can twitch and slouch...alone.

Nat and Juhneen exchange evil looks in the caff. Nat tells Pat that she dreamed of Bazza shaking his chains and shouting: "I was muuuuurrrdeerrrrred...the owls are not what they seem....". Pat tells her to get a grip.

Juhneen invites Rickay to come and run the car lot with her. Rickay is stunned. We're stunned. I wouldn't trust that man with a tricycle, let alone a dodgy Ford Fiesta.

The nightclub is empty because another club is conveniently holding a free vodka snakebites for the laydeez-type opening night around the corner. Billy sits and twitches in the corner, ignoring Denman's taunts. Denman decides to shut up early, but while he is cashing up, Billy sneaks into the toilets. Meanwhile Vickney and Mickney are lurking in the shadows outside with boxes of dodgy brandy. Denman locks up, then Vickney unlocks up and starts hiding the dodgy bottles behind the Bombay Sapphire. Umm...don't you think that somebody might notice several bottles of brandy on the gin shelf...oh well, it's going to go up in smoke anyway, so whatever...

Araminta looks like all his Christmases have come at once when Sham orders him to take her out for an alibi meal at the local Indian. Then she smiles and winks at every single man under 50 so that "they remember her" - and her delusionoid behaviour. Meanwhile Billy dithers around with a box of matches and looks "conflicted". Oh I hope I don't have my baby tomorrow night - I might not find out whether he torches the club or not...pah!