MAGNUM KYERT
Kyert has fifteen minutes to get an accomplice's name out of Fill, otherwise Birthday Girl Marsden will taunt her about her Stockholm Syndrome problem for evermore. Yes folks, you guessed it. It's an EE two-hander.

Well, not quite, Shazza shouts at O-Den and poor Denman, so O-Den goes off to give Squeaky the good news. Squeaky is packing untidily and for some reason looks a lot like Mariah Carey's pudgy (but equally mad) older sister. Squeaky is shocked. So shocked that O-Den has to remind her that she is MiniFill's mother and therefore is perfectly entitled to go and get MiniFill while Fill is in chokey. Get a grip, woman! Once O-Den hands over a wodge of the night's earnings, Squeaky catches herself on, and goes with O-Den to claim MiniFill. Perhaps the poor kid will get a decent haircut now.

It must be the grey walls, the damp or the smell of disinfectant mixed with urine, because being in the interview room suddenly turns Kyert into HoneyTrapper/Interrogator/Good Cop/Bad Cop/Dirty Kyerty all rolled into one. Fill changes his story about ten million times. First he was just going to meet a bloke in a factory car park in the middle of nowhere on snooker hall business when suddenly there was a blinding light, and aliens in black leather jackets beamed him into the wages office, put a gun and a big bag of cash in his hand, and forced him to beat up a security guard. Then the aliens vanished and he was surrounded by the Armed Response team. No really, honest!

Yeah well, Kyert eventually gets the truth, Fill, the truth, out of him. He sulks, stomps, blusters and tries to get arsey about Squeaky and Shazz coming over to see Kyert, but she's having none of it. As far as Kyert is concerned, he has wasted a whole year of her life with his LIES. Then Fill says it's all Squeaky's fault because everything was fine until she came along and ruined his life by being alive and all. He nearly stamps his foot and starts crying like a big girl, but Kyert's mascara is running, and she has to leave. Fill begs her to look after MiniFill and keep her away from Squeaky, but Marsden starts with the taunting as soon as Kyert leaves the room, so Kyert runs home.

Back at Casa Mitchell, Squeaky is wrestling with MiniFill/Brianetta Sewell and telling Rickay that she's going to take her baybay back now. Kyert comes home and helps Squeaky into the cab, handing her the Blue Bunny of Destiny and wishing her luck.

Meanwhile, Sham is demanding to see Fill at the station, but the police have had enough Mitchells for one night and tell her he's sleeping. Fill is sad.

O-Den watches all from his window (Shazza is sulking at the club, and god only knows where Vickney is). Denman kind of likes this avenging angel father/son gig, and I quite like his hair all boyish and tousled.

NATURAL BORN FILLERS
Great steaming piles of excrement! A whole hour-long EE heist special! And after the day I’ve had too.

So anyway, Denman’s still smirking evilly in his prison cell while O-Den and Fill finalise the details in the Queen Vic toilets. So that’s what they’re calling it these days. Fill’s alibi is a dinner with Kyert, and he’s got Rickay to babysit – although he tells all and sundry that he’s running late because he’s got a “bit of business” to sort out. Why doesn’t he just tattoo “It’s a Fair Cop” on his forehead to make it easier for everyone?

Sham appears to be going on holiday to Spain. Again. Has the girl got dual citizenship or what? Fill is mean to her because he’s getting nervous, and she strops off. Enter Squeaky, who squeaks on about MiniFill, access, Evil Marcus, Shazza helping her get MiniFill back blah blah. Fill does his puce bully act, and tells Squeaky that he’ll get rid of her if she stands in his way. Instead of going, “Ooooh…physical threats! That’s going to go down well in court innit, Spudface”, Squeaky allows O-Den to drag her outside, but only so that she can whine at him about betrayal and trust Den, trust.

Kyert’s spidey sense is tingling as Fill disappears into the night wearing black leather all over and carrying a big holdall marked “Swag”. Squeaky marches over to Shazza’s place, but doesn’t get much time to whinge because Shazza runs off to the police station to pick up Denman. But Denman’s already gone. Shazza does the jaw thing and returns to Squeaky (who had left a note and was just leaving) and the parallel plot for women, aka the Alliance of Molls or Not without My Baybay XVII.

Naturally, it’s all about men and babies. Well, Fill and MiniFill to be precise. But we’ll get back to that.

Fill and O-Den drive to the heist spot and grunt macho-ly at each other. Fill’s worried about his alibi – bit late now, mate. O-Den waxes lyrical about the thieving life and how Fill loves it really. Fill fusses and frets and generally makes a big bald old woman of himself, growling “I’m in charge” and going grrr a lot.

At the heist spot, some bloke hands over the keys and tells them that everything’s sorted. That’s nice. In fact, everything’s nice. The gates swing open practically before they touch the locks, they skip merrily across a floodlit car park, and there are lots of handy boxes to hide behind while the single security guard does his rounds. Even the well-lit roof has a handy open skylight next to a really handy unlocked ladder that just stretches nicely to the floor. Good eh? Fill bumbles along, suspecting nothing. O-Den faffs around a bit to make him nervous and stretch the tension out a bit, but eventually they unlock the safe room, work out that the big grey thing in the corner with the red key-shaped panel on the front might just be a safe full of huge wodges of cash. Christ Almighty! Hasn’t this factory ever heard of BACS? Or cheques, even?

They fill the swag bag, but the lone security guard sees them and runs off, with O-Den in hot pursuit. Fill fusses with the bag and turns a corner to find O-Den and the security guard in a passionate embrace. OK, not really, the security guard is playing possum and O-Den is going, “Oooh…I’ve fallen”. They limp to the handy skylight, and O-Den pretends to have lost the keys, so Fill has to run back for them. He returns to find O-Den taking up the ladder and cackling. There’s a heated exchange of views, and O-Den throws a nice big gun and a symbolic £10k at Fill’s feet, saying, “This is from Squeaky. So long… sucker!”

Fill runs around banging on doors and trying to phone Kyert. Umm…yeah, that’s what you do when you’ve been framed so convincingly that they’re going to hang you in the Tate Gallery, isn’t it? Phone the wife.

Kyert’s too busy telling Squeaky and Shazza that they’re sad old slappas who are just jealous that she’s got Fill. So Fill phones O-Den and shouts at him instead. O-Den acts all scared and says: “Wotcher gonna do? Set Billy on me?” Classic. Fill says that O-Den will henceforth be his “pet project” (there’s probably a whole Talkback reality series in that idea). O-Den says: “Mind the soap in the showers, love” and drives off into the night. The police seem to have been caught in heavy traffic because Fill has enough time to call Sham at the airport and hand over responsibility for his Evil Empire to her, then run around a bit more before the Met’s finest catch up with him.

Back at the Kitchen of Plot Convenience, the Blonde Alliance is still trying to persuade Kyert that Fill is bad mmmkay. Kyert says naaw I love him, but Squeaky says that one day she too will see the blank grey void that is Fill’s soul and run, run like Squeaky did once. Shazza gets fed up with Squeaky’s babble and sends her away so that she and Kyert can talk, Girl Detective to Girl Detective. Squeaky mopes on Loser's Bench for a bit, then wanders into the Garden of Desperation.

O-Den meets up with Denman, tells him to stop looking pretty and drive, drive into the night. He points out that Fill is only interested in O-Den, not Denman. Denman looks crushed. Is there no way into Fill’s heart? He starts fretting about telling Shazza or not telling Shazza, hinting that he’d got to know her quite well while O-Den wasn’t around. “Yes! Biblically!” – shouts a nation. O-Den bans him from telling Shazza how big and bad and clever they are. Denman pouts, but keeps his shirt on.

Down at Walford nick, it’s Lady Copper Marsden’s birthday. She sees Fill in cuffs, waves her birthday cake around gleefully and dances into the interview room with Bald Geordie Copper. Fill keeps looking at the clock like he's wondering if he's going to get fitted up for the Leg of Time job too. Marsden gets to say, “Don’t make me larf”, and we’re only minutes from “You’re going daaaahn”, but then the action switches back to Chez Kyert. Boo!

Kyert is telling Shazza that she loves Fill and knows about the grey void of Fill’s soul etc etc, but that doesn’t matter and they’re going to have little spudlets of their own one day, just you wait and see. (at this point Mr P’s notes say, “Eughh”).

There’s a knock at the door, and DS Fat Bastard crashes the party with his Podgy Plods. Kyert wrestles with MiniFill (who seems to have acquired a Brian Sewell haircut, poor little mite), hands her over to Rickay the babysitter, and runs off to Walford nick. At the station, Lady Copper Marsden gloats like a big gloaty thing, offers cake to all and sundry and taunts Kyert about Fill has turned her to the Dark Side. Kyert says noooo! I'm still good, and offers to use her honeytrapping powers on Fill to get the name of his accomplice.

O-Den and Denman return home to find Shazza waving Squeaky’s note accusingly at them. Duh duh duuuuh!

FOOL: STILL GLAD HE CRASHED THE WEDDING
(by Mark)
Shazza and Squeaky meet up to discuss their legal shenanigans. Shazza warns Squeaky not to do anything stupid to jeopardise the case. Squeaky? Do something stupid? What are the chances of that happening? Bent Lawyer Marcus finds out what is going on (somehow) and warns Fill. Fill has a bratty fit and says he will spend any amount of money to make the problem go away. BLM toadies off and finds Squeaky sitting alone in the caff. He tries the whole “you’re a tramp, a drunk and an unfit mother!” routine but Squeaky shows a bit of spine for once and says “See you in court, bitch!”

Ash, Dadvis, Shirley. Blah blah blah. Ash still hasn’t told Dadvis

Fool can’t get a venue for the wedding on xmas day at such short notice. He has the genius idea of getting married at the Vic. Getting married at your workplace; how romantic. I know that if I ever wed it will certainly be in my crappy hessian coated office cubicle. (Sarah: Don't you need a special marriage venue licence thingy for that?) He goes to the council to get a licence or something (Sarah: ahaahhh) and has to smarm round the civil service lady to get the licence extra quick. The civil service lady looks a bit like a klingon in the forehead/hair area. Mission accomplished, Fool then worries about whether Slutty will approve of his wacky idea. I can’t even remember if he tells her or not. Oh well….

Fill and the Dens continue to plot their crime. The Dens bicker the whole time and Denman continues to act like a “loose cannon”. Fill gives his grease monkeys the morning off so he can make some dodgy number plates at the Arches but A-Garry catches him making them when he pops in with Sullen to “talk”. Sham and Kyert pop up every now and again but they don’t really do anything interesting. Denman pretends to get drunk when he should be resting before the job and gets into a contrived scuffle with some bloke in the Vic. The fuzz come along and drag Denman off to cool down in the cells. Denman smirks evilly, just in case anyone in the audience is as stupid as Fill and doesn’t realise that it’s a set up. Fill says that he will take Denman’s place and break into the factory. Mug.

GIRLS AGAINST BOYS
Trinidad mopes around and poignantly fingers one of Yolande's colourful scarves. He goes to talk to Dot and Jim but they say that she has gorn. Trinidad hits the bottle and makes Bad Brutha slow dance with him (heh). suddenly there is a ring at the doorbell and yes! It is Yolande, she acts all angry and displays her full range of eye bulging facial expressions but it turns out that she is only joking and has come back so they can throw money around and shout "woo hoo! we're rich!"

Shazza has got her pout working overtime. O-Den and Denman keep patronising her and telling her not to bother them while they do manly crime things. Meanwhile Fill suddenly has a caffiene overdose or something and decides for no reason that he won't let Squeaky see Louise any more. Eh? Squeaky is outraged. No-one puts Squeaky in the corner! She goes moaning to Shazz and Shazz agrees to pay for a lawyer so that Squeaky can get custody and so that Shazz can prove that lawyers are better than crime. And also more boring. An underemployed lawyer appears at two seconds notice and says that Squeaky has a very good case. Shazza and Squeaky pour out some fizzy pop and drink a toast to their blonde alliance.

Fool scrapes around for tat to sell to buy an engagement ring for Slutty. Three words, Fool: "interest" "free" "credit". He sells a load of old shite and buys a ring with a tiny tiny diamond. Drippy looks at it all "that's a bit shit, isn't it?" so Fool tries to put off the engagement but it's too late! Drippy has already invited all of Walford society! Ethel 2.0 wanders round with a mischeivous twinkle in her eye and a tiny tiny plaster behind her ear covering up the scar from her MAJOR BRAIN SURGERY. Fool says "I want to give Slutty the stars!" and Ethel says "but she already has the Moon!" Aaaargh! Fuck Off! If any one else makes a character say a Moon related comment then there will be big big trouble. At one point Shane Ritchie's crappy single is playing in the Vic and Slutty says that it is her favourite. I think they are trying to make us angry on purpose. When Fool proposes, it turns out that Ethel has swapped the shit ring for her own diamond incrusted blinger. wow, she is really is Ethel 2.0 - she has cursed them with her Ring of Predestination just like Ethel Mark One did to Moomin and Jaymee. Anyway Slutty accepts. They are to have an Xmas day wedding (at such short notice? etc etc, oh I give up). Fool gives the ratners ring to Ethel and she is pleased for some reason.

Posh sees Simpleton buying a dowdy frock and makes a bitchy comment before swanning off to Knightsbridge to buy some posh clothes. She sees that sullen is moping around about Slutty's engagement and goes to confront her dramatically. She says that Gazzer still lurves Sullen and that she should go and fight for him. She kind of skims over the whole "shagging A-Garrry" part. She then goes into a wierd rant about how they should have stopped her marrying neville and becoming posh and how she wishes she could still be a hard faced cockney bruiser like her sisters. Whatever. They both overact a lot. Still, I like Posh and her mad steely eyes. They should have her in more often. In the end Posh drives off back to her empty, rich life (oh, boo hoo) and Sullen looks resolute.

Fill is unimpressed by Denman's criminal abilities and keeps moaning at him for not taking it seriously. Denman flutters his eyelashes at Fill but it doesn't thaw Fill's icy heart. Try taking your shirt off, Denman, that normally does the trick. O-Den actually says "It's all about trust, Fill". Ha ha! While they are discussing it, O-Den's contact shows up and says they have to rob the cash tomorrow!!!

THINK OF THE CHILDREN
Tonight's Eastenders has been postponed to make way for the annual BBC Children in Need wackathon. Apparently instead of the usual episode we're going to be treated to the EE cast doing The Wizard of Oz, and Dadvis is Elvising up.

If you're feeling unaccountably generous, you can donate online, but please please please do NOT buy the Shane Ritchie charity single.

TRIN-DECENT PROPOSAL
A-Garry can't help boasting to Rickay (Rickay? Is he still in it?) that he has got three birds on the go. Rickay falls to his knees and shouts that it must be a sign of the apocalypse. Not really, he explains that Sullen, Posh and Simpleton are bound to talk to each other at some point and that A-G will be in big trouble when they do. A-Garry makes faces like "thinking hard! brain hurts!" Sullen shows up, still all pleased that she can shag Gaz without having to pretend that she likes him. She has lost an earring. Also she implies that A-G has a huge cock. Thanks for that, Sullen. Annoying Garry is instantly paranoid that one of his other bitches will find the earring. Simpleton appears long enough to tell him to save his energy for later. Grrr! Posh shows up to have her flanges adjusted and A-Garry tries to dump her by letting her down gently. She instantly spots the tell tale earing on the floor, realises what is going on, goes mental and runs away to tell Sullen. Ruh roh.

Dadvis phones Shirley to ask her out, right when Ash is macking on her. Of course, Ash instantly loses interest and gets dressed. Shirley accepts the date and whimpers that she didn't know what to say. Jesus, is saying "no" much harder than saying "yes"? Later on, Ash lurks outside the betting shop, sweating and jonesing real bad, so he can tell her to tell Dadvis that she isn't interested. At the date, Shirley says she only sees Dadvis as a friend and leaves. Dadvis later tells Ash that he sees it as a challenge. Ash fails to tell Dadvis that Shirley is his lady and instead looks a bit hapless.

Fill catches Squeaky staying out late with Lou and grassing him up to Kyert for being mean. He says that if she doesn't wind her neck in then he won't let her see Lou at all. Squeaky flaps around impotently in her faux burberry mac.

Ethel 2.0 is out of hospital with a headscarf covering her NON EXISTENT OPERATION scar. Slutty is really nice to her. Bless.

Go Go Girl Detective Shazza!!! She asks Denman what was in the briefcase but he fobs her off with lies. Shazza later finds the suitcase, but it is empty. She deduces that Denman was lying by asking O-Den cunning detective type questions. She approaches Talon Queen Kyert and tells her that Fill and the Dens are doing crime. Kyert says that she trusts her Fill. It is all about trust, trust, trust! Sham has one scene where she whines about her crappy job. O-Den tells Fill that Denman is going to be their wingman on the crime. Fill says no but he can't find anyone else to do the job as he has no mates. Denman keeps teasing Fill in a vaguely flirty way. Is there something you want to tell us, Denman? Shazza confronts Denman with her detective evidence but he fobs her off with a different lie. She believes him that time but then sees Fill and the Dens plotting in the Vic and does that thing with her jaw.

Ugh, this plot is so half baked that I think I am coming down with e coli. Pious Ex raises the price for Yolande to 15k. Trini-dad is tempted but says no. P-Ex gets the cash out and rubs it in Trini-Dad's face to tempt him even more. Bad Brutha says that he should take the money. Trini-Dad still says no as his love is worth more than mere delicious money. I don't think it would be too hard to keep both the cash and Yolande, but that's just me. P-Ex tells Yolande that Trini-Dad offered to sell her for cash money and arranges it so that Yolande catches TriniDad fingering the dough. P-Ex makes a really smug "My evil plan has worked!" face and Trini-Dad looks devastated. Yolande has apparently been struck blind for plot purposes as she doesn't notice this. She takes the money and says that both of them can fuck away off and then leaves.

By the way everyone, this blog is officially one year old. Happy birthday to us!

Doh, I thought it was my turn to do it again... Move on ... nothing to see here...

RESERVOIR SPROGS
No wonder Shazza’s the colour of freshly sawn teak; she seems to spend her days hiding behind bushes in MacArfur Park, spying on her dad. She ropes Denman into her crime-solving gang.

Dot persuades Yolande to listen to what Pious Ex has to say. But, oooh…well, it turns out Pious Ex isn’t so pious after all. He’s an eeevil manipulative philandererer who thinks that Ethics is that flat place just south of Thuffolk. Yolande throws him out (Go Yolande!) but he bumps into TriniDad and decides to get him drunk and tell him that Yolande is a loose woman who eats men for breakfast. TriniDad is unimpressed. So Pious Ex says: “OK, I’ll buy her off you. How does ten grand sound?” You what?

Simpleton is worried that AGarry doesn’t love her any more – for god’s sake woman, he’s only been shagging you for ten minutes, if you’re lucky. Agarry looks “conflicted” and tries to run away, but Simpers is mega clingy and attaches herself to his legs all the way to work. I’m convinced that somebody is slipping mind-numbing pheronomes into the Slater’s water supply because both Posh and Sullen start flicking their hair and pouting seductively when AGarry passes through their transom. Sullen ambushes AGarry at work, and they shag in the Ford Fiesta Of Infidelity. Later Posh finds him, a wizened, exhausted husk, and leaps on him while his manhood shrieks for mercy.

Fool’s foolishness reaches new, dizzying heights of fooldom. How can you forget the name of your solicitor – even five years spent dodging fallen soap bars at HMP Lakeland Plastics shouldn’t dislodge the memory of your own divorce lawyer. He finds his ex-wife’s phone number and somehow manages to extract her address from this information. His ex-mother-in-law answers the door in her spangly Bet Lynch best catsuit and tries it on with him before suddenly remembering that it’s Fool and not the milkman. Apparently she claims he is divorced. Fool is happy, and so is Slutty.

Meanwhile, Kyert’s Copper Spider Sense is twitching because Fill is meeting with dodgy blokes carrying briefcases and not telling her what it’s all about. Fill tells her not to worry her pretty little head. Said briefcase is carried by Fill to O-Den’s place, watched by Boy Detective Denman and Girl Detective Shazza. Rather than the expected Pret BLT sandwich and a copy of the Evening Standard, it’s got lots of really cool safecracking-type tools and fireworky things in it, as Denman discovers when he uses his Swiss Army lockpicking keyring attachment to open the case. O-Den comes home and finds Denman demonstrating the acting prowess that got him noticed at the Croydon Operatic and Dramatic Arts Society. I wonder if his top ever fell off during the first act of The Mikado like it did for one hapless chorus member* a couple of years ago?

*NB: at least one reader in the Sutton area will know exactly who I'm talking about.

THE GREAT LAME ROBBERY
Fool and Slutty in bed - they giggle and stare drippily at each other for a bit until Slutty asks if they can resolve the ontological status of Fool's marraige. He says he used to be married but he can't remember if the divorce was ever finalised, because it wasn't like it was important or anything. He says Nana will know for sure. Oh, that's a great plan. Next they will find out that the location of the divorce papers is disclosed on a special map that is tattooed on the backs of seven holy tibetan infants. Meanwhile Drippy gets to keep her barmaid job and chats some more to the man who is going to (spoiler) rape her - because that's what women get if they take a job without their husbands' approval. fuck off EE writers (end spoiler). All the other Slaters sit around and wonder if Slutty has done the right thing. Charlie looks thoughtful. Maybe he is wondering if he has to give his West Ham season ticket back.

O-Den plots with Fill (they are going to rob a factory's Xmas payroll, fact fans) . Fill phones up various crim friends for one last job. Oh, just saying that is the kiss of death. Denman sulks around and has to say terrible tough guy dialogue about O-Den being in league with the devil. Also, cut your hair Denman. Girl Detective Shazza watches O-Den talk with other shadowy gents. When her and Denman confront O-den he tells them not to worry their pretty little heads about it.

My name is Ash and I am a Gambloholic wakes up with Shirley. When he goes home it turns out that he hasn't been back for two days. Way to go, tiger. Later on he runs into Shirley in the street but ignores her because Dadvis is standing right behind them. Shirley is sad. Spineless bitch Ash says it is "too soon" to worry Dadvis and that he will tell him later when it is more dramatic and conflicty.

Fool goes to the orspital to visit Ethel 2.0 and ask her about the Lost Divorce of the Covenant. Ethel can't really remember (surprise surprise) but it turns out that she can go home soon. Ethel's "full head of hair and giant bandage" combo is hilarious - it would have been more realistic if they'd stuck a cartoon style, cross shaped plaster on her forehead. Fool says "oh what will Slutty do if we can't be wed" perhaps thinking that he is in a Charles Dickens novel instead of the goddamned 21st century where couples cohabit without being married all the time.

Byrite Andy is still dressed up in his wack Little Lord Fauntleroy wedding outfit. He sits in the picnic area of the Park of Contrivance and broods. Later on he turns up at the vic with two heavies (No sign of White Vin Diesel though, shame) and says he wants his engagement ring back. All the Slaters get ready to rumble, in the immortal words of PJ and Duncan, but Slutty says OK. It turns out the ring is stuck. Maybe it is encrusted to her finger with Fool's man juice. Andy says he's not leaving without it and tries to look menacing. I hoped he was going to start waving a pair of bloodstained secateurs around, but sadly not. In the end, Sullen says "look over there!" and rubs some of Mo's pile cream on her finger while she isn't looking and they get ring off. Sullen keeps waving her hair around like she is in a Pantene advert. Stop it! Slutty makes Andy take the dress and all the presents away too, so he ends up looking like a petty loser. Ha ha.

Some tall rich carribean gentlemen arrives, checks into the B&B and then wanders round being pious. Who could it be? You'll never guess. Trini-Dad and Yolande are out shopping all day. When they get back they chase each other round the table hornily and laugh a lot. Eww. Trinidad fakes a heart attack and then jumps Yolande's bones when she goes over. They are rolling round on the floor when Tall Bloke comes in and shouts "Whore of Babylon!" (not really, but he looked like he was thinking it). Yolande says "what are you doing here, husband?" Gasp! That wasn't obvious at all!