KYERT UNCOVERED!

Tepid Denouement: The Fill and Lisa Story, Pt 4

Fill says that that is the last time he ever saw Squeaky. He then rambles on a bit about how guilty he feels for driving Squeaky insane with the power of soliliquy. Yeah, we believe you Fill. He goes off to see to mini-Fill and Kyert tells the coppers through the wire that they have their answer and she is going to give them the wire in 5 minutes and then give Fill some hot lovin'. She can't come up with a good excuse to get out of the house so instead she goes to the loo and takes off the wire (which looks like a 1950's hearing aid. I have no idea if that's realistic or not, I'm just saying.) She tells the wire that she is taking it off and that they can all go home. However, it's broken (well, it does date back to the Korean War) so they can't hear her.

Fill and Kyert talk bollocks for hours while the cops become increasingly worried that she hasn't come out like she said she would. In the end they ring her on her mobile and Fill gets her phone and finds the wire in her hand bag. Dun Dun Dunnnn!!! He thinks she is a private investigator hired by Squeaky but Kyert admits that she is a copper and that she only ever approached him to find out about Squeaky. Fill is all angry and starts choking her and throwing bottles at her. Kyert goes "I still wuv you!" Wow, she is even madder than Squeaky. The coppers bust in and stop Fill from killing her but Stockholm Syndrome Kyert says she won't press charges and the coppers all leave. (That lady copper has a "I'll get you some day, Mitchell!" moment before she goes.) Kyert goes "It's year zero - but not in a genocidal Pol Pot kind of way - lets get married!" but Fill goes all red and weepy and says "It's all a tissue of lies!" and throws her out, but he makes her try on the engagement ring first, the big drama queen. "It fits!" he grunts cornily. Kyert runs off crying past Losers Bench and Fill throws his head back and roars like a wounded wildebeest. So sad. Fill and kyert were both pretty good in this but it is totally fucking unbelievable that they were the loves of each other lives when all they ever did was meet up in the Vic for five minutes once a week until Kyert said "No, I can't" and ran off in a strop.

I'M A LOSER PHIL, SO PLEASE TAKE MY BAYBAY (AND KILL ME)

Death In the Sun: The Fill and Lisa Story, Pt 3

So here we are at the edge of the cliff. Fill is purple apart from his little ginger beard, Lisa is cowering about five inches from the edge of a very high cliff, clutching MiniFill and whimpering. My first: "Oh get a fucking grip!" shout of the evening.

Lisa won't come away from the edge until Fill gives her his nasty jacket. She wipes her bloody nose on the sleeve (the nation goes: "ahaaaaa!"). A man walks his encouragingly large Alsatian close by, but confuses Squeaky's shouting with a particularly harsh seagull and moves on. I mean, if you you're walking your dog along a cliff, and there's this squeaking, blood-stained woman and baby cowering at the cliff edge being shouted at by a potato-headed thug, you'd think: "Oh they're OK." and walk on, wouldn't you?

A roll of thunder appears from nowhere, and Fill suggests they take refuge in a convenient abandoned cottage. Firewood appears magically from nowhere, and Fill makes a fire before embarking on Operation Soften Up Squeaky. He starts off with compliments, telling her that he missed the two of them. Squeaky is suspicous. When the nice stuff doesn't work, Fill reverts to the usual Mitchell modus operandi. He hacks away at Squeaky's fragile self-confidence, telling her over and over again that she is mad, a mess, a bad mother, and threatens to have her committed for being a gun-wielding maniac blah blah. There's some stuff about a recurring dream about Squeaky being left alone by her dad and the miscarried baby, which Fill uses as proof that she's a nutter.

Actually, the actors were fairly convincing and I did find myself shouting at Squeaky to get the baybay, get the fuck out of there and leave Mr Potato Head to languish in his own self-pity.

Moving on. Squeaky is by now a snivelling pile of snot and blood. Fill snatches MiniFill and walks off, telling Squeaky that he will grass her up for attempted murder (the fact that he'd go down for perjury is mentioned in one of Squeaky's momentary flashes of logic, but brushed aside hastily). She returns to the cliff edge and snivels some more. Fill takes his jacket back and walks away.

Lisa is alone on the edge. Will she jump? Will she stagger away, get found by a former US Marine turned drifter and karate expert who will take her under his wing, teach her the Way of the Warrior Woman plus a few shit-hot kicks and moves, so that Lisa returns to Walford as a black clad Ninja looking for her baybay and to finish the job on Fill?

NOT WITHOUT MY BAYBAY!

Shattered Trust: The Fill and Lisa Story, Pt 2,By Mark

The shadow of Fill's head on the wall transforms into the the shadow of Fill's head on the wall in Portugal, thanks to the magic of editing. Fill is grumping around making the hotel staff miserable and talking to Babs on his mobile. He has made friends with a wizened Paul Daniels looking bloke who wears nasty jumpers for no other reason than to move the plot along later on.

Why, do I hear ultrasonic gibbering somewhere? Yes, it is Lisa, playing with MiniFill on a beach and talking to a posh lady in a Monsoon frock. Lisa says her name is "Mary" but she will always be "Squeaky" to me. Squeaky says that Mel is in Lisbon working as a feisty army police woman, I ean "about to have her own baby". How convenient. It is MiniFill's birthday and Monsoon lady offers to help have a birthday party. Some Random Bloke shows up and asks Squeaky out on a date. Monsoon asks lots of probing questions about Squeaky's past and acts all suspicious. However, in a plot twist of "Usual Suspects" type magnitude Random Bloke turns out to be the rat and sells Squeaky's address to Fill. He says he "likes" Squeaky even though they exchanged, like, three sentences. Likes her chest more like... Random Bloke sees Fill be mean to PaulDaniels Bloke and realises that Fill is a psycho. It's all very well feeling bad now, JUDAS!

Monsoon looks after MiniFill at her place while Squeaky pops to the shops. When she gets back to her own flat Fill is there. Dun Dun Dunnnn! They both make small talk and pretend that Fill isn't going to snatch Minifill. Squeaky casually says she will go and fetch MiniFill and bring her back to meet Fill just as soon as she has packed a suitcase (not really). she drives off and fill follows her. Randombloke follows them too and is concerned for Squeaky all of a sudden. Eventually Fill admits that he wants to snatch Minifill and they have a scuffle by Squeaky's car. In the end Squeaky says "Mneuuuu!" and knees Fill in the nads. Go Squeaky! She drives off and Fill follows her for the most pitiful car chase in TV history.

They both drive along a bit at the speed limit while Fill flashes his lights and hoots his horn to try and raise a bit excitement. Squeaky manages to overtake a slow moving tractor but then fill can't! Oh the excitement! Squeaky "hides" in a lay-by and Fill drives past. "Lets go to Lisbon!" says Squeaky and then sets off down a mud track into a damp quarry. I don't think Lisbon is that way, love. She has a puncture (and says "Oh no! I've got a puncture!" Thanks narrator girl) and so gets out and runs off with MiniFill (leaving her keys in the car. idiot). She sets off into a forest and walks straight into a branch, bloodying her nose (idiot x 2) and causing the camera to go all out of focus. Squeaky makes sonar type squeaky noises and spins around for no reason. There is shaky cam footage of trees. Trees. More trees. Fill's story is that Lisa was killed by the Blair Witch? Hmmm. In the end she runs off and finds that she is on the edge of a cliff. Oh for gods sake, does Squeaky even knows what "Lisbon" means. Fill appears and shouts "Ah want-uh my Baybay!" all Mark Smith style. Squeaky gibbers and cowers at the edge of the cliff.

to be continued...

THE UNBEARABLE REDNESS OF FILL
Deadly Betrayal: the Fill and Lisa Story, Pt 1. The first in a special five nighter which promises to tell us the truth about Lisa's death/disappearance/silencing/whatever.

Lady Copper and Baldy Bloke are worried that UKyert is starting to get a bit sympathetic towards Fill (well, she is a woman, and this is the LaLaLa Eastenders universe where short tomato-faced thugs are worshipped as gods). UKyert says: "No no! He's just not as bad as you make him out to be. And I don't think he did it." Lady Copper says: "Oh yes he did, missy. Now go and use your feminine wiles to make him 'fess up". Baldy bloke looks menacing and growls. There's a bloke from Lock Stock...lurking in the background as well, I think.

Fill offers to make a romantic roast beef (on a Monday???) dinner for two so that he and UKyert can share their deepest secrets while digesting Yorkshire pud. Shazza visits Fill and tells him not to scare her off by mentioning all of the violence, vehicle crime, racketeering, murder, alcoholism, semi-incestuous affairs with siblings' partners etc from his past and then she starts whiffling on about Hero Fireman Tom being The One. I decided to feed the cats at this point.

So, UKyert gets wired up, and with half the Met positioned around the house, listening in (no wonder my burglars never got caught, and the neighbours' brats walk all over my garden wall with impunity; the coppers are too busy listening to wife-beaters' confessions from a mike hidden in a WPC's knickers), she goes to practise her womanly wiles on Fill, without actually sleeping with him.

Then follows the most tedious build-up in the history of tedious build-ups. She keeps telling him not to say anything, he says: "but I want to get it off my chest" and groping her knee. There is a non-comedy moment when Lady Copper and Baldy pretend to be snogging so that Fill doesn't recognise them, but that's it. He's going to cast his mind back over the next four episodes. The Yorkshire puds will go all rubbery and this will prove to be the longest week of our lives. I promise you.

I'm going out tomorrow night, thank god.

"SHUT UP BARRY," TIMES INFINITY

The episode starts with the director treating us to a 15 minute pan around Pat’s dreary bedsit. Nice try Stanley No-brick. Simpleton, Babs, Shazz and Vickney all rally round and bring doilies, throw cushions and Athena prints over to cheer the place up. Pat goes round to collect to stuff from mentalist-zombie-Baz. He gives her half an hour to collect her stuff but then goes all crazy, searches her bag and won’t let her take a way a photo of the family. Pat weeps and cringes “No, Barry No!” Whatever happened to hardass Pat? Later on she poignantly fondles Roys signet ring and scarf and cries in the dreary bedsit. However, worse is yet to come – there’s a Placebo fan living next door!

Baz is ordering enough sausage rolls to feed all of Greater London (apart from Pat) at Roy’s funeral. Simpleton doesn’t think she can cope but Fill joins the audience in not remotely caring.

Vickney continues to try and find her long lost step-half-brother-in-law. Dot confirms that Den had an affair with some lady.

More threemenandabaybay inanity: Bad Brutha is a bit paternal for once. These three still wouldn't be interesting if they had found a baby dinosaur. That could talk and sing and dance.

Fill starts taking the Dan Sullivan Threat seriously now he is not consumed with longing for U-Kyert. He tells Billy to tell Drippy what is going on as secrets are bad, innit. Mean baldy man tells Kyert to sling her hook as she has failed. Failed! Kyert rolls her eyes and looks a bit mad. Fills dithers around and then calls Kyert and leaves a message on her phone. He says they should meet up and that there will be “no more secrets” Kyert receives the call and looks smug and then the camera pulls back and reveals that she is in Walford police station with mean baldy man and That Lady Copper. There is a big incident room type set up with a wall chart and photos and post it notes saying “Squeaky: is she dead?” and "Fill: is he a bad man?" etc. Kyert is an undercover cop? I’m shocked!

Missed most of last night's EE, so here's the cobbled-together update

FILL SHUTS DOWN

It's Babs birthday, and Fill has bought her something decent for a change. She realises that UKyert probably chose it and nags Fill about partnering up for yet another disastrous, doom-ridden liaison. As build-ups go, this is going beyond tedium into Archers territory.

Rickay is cross with Sham, who tells him that Juhneen told everybody about him sleeping with Sham. Rickay disowns Juhneen. Juhneen is sad.

3menandabaybay update. Bad Bro is softening towards Baby Bruvette.

The Death of Roy takes on a new, more evil dimension when Bazza gives the funeral catering contract to Simpleton. What does he want to do, poison everyone? Maybe this is the root of the huge cast cull that the tabs have been going on about. Ian is cross.

Pat gets chucked out of Evans Mansions after she changes Roy's answering machine message. Bazza has gone into full EE-mad bloke mode, and transforms the house into a shrine to Roy. He even makes an Invisible Man Roy by arranging his coat and shoes in the hallway.

It's snowing outside - Walford is possibly the only place in London where a two-hour snowfall results in blanket coverage of everything. Pat returns to find that Barry has locked all the doors and won't let her in because he's too busy losing his remaining marbles.

Dull plot development no. 29875765. Vicky's family tree researches unearths the discovery that a strange Walford woman had a child called Dennis Watts in 1975. Sharon looks "thoughtful".

BARRY BARRY, WHERE DID OUR LOVE GO
Fill discovers Simpers cowering behing the counter. She says she's hiding from Ian's cruel jibes. Oh for god's sake woman, just punch the weasel-faced little tosser and steal his Devil children.

Pat goes to the hospital to gaze upon Roy's cold, dead body. Barry goes to the solicitor and discovers that Roy left him everything. Barry looks sly. Sly and stupid is possibly the worst combination in a human being: discuss.

While at the hospital, somebody tells Pat that Roy was carrying a donor card, and can they have first dibs at the useable body parts please. Pat agonises, tries to call Barry, and in the end agrees. Barry finds out, accuses Pat of ruining his father in death as well as life, and chucks her out. Pat is sad. Barry is bad. Please die now, Barry.

More 3menandabaybay antics. TriniDad and Jim nick some paint and decorate Bruvette's room in lime green and purple. It is vile. Bad Bro secretly dons his magic painting overalls and manages to paint an entire room plus woodwork in two coats of lavender emulsion and purple gloss (which is DRY when Dr Perv enters the room)in under three hours. And without getting a drop of paint on his jacket. Amazing? Bloody impossible more like.

Bizarro Robbie is rude, smelly and doesn't know how to use a broom properly. The market traders depose him and appoint MYGus as their new broom monkey. MYGus is happy.

UKyert's contact tells her it's obvious that she has 'feelings' for him and now's the time to get closer to Fill. UKyert looks slightly ill at the thought. Fill asks her to move in, but UKyert goes green and asks him about Squeaky because that's what couples do, talk about past relationships, and if they can't talk about Squeaky...Fill looks bored and dumps her.

THE FALL OF THE HOUSE OF EVANS

Roy collapses on the floor and weezes and clutches his chest etc. Bazzer rushes in and shouts to Pat “What did you do to him?” What a C U Next Tuesday. Barry is so hateful in this episode that I spent the whole time trying to think of a new nickname for him but could only come up with “fuckface”. Anyway Dr Perv shows up but luckily the paramedics arrive before he can kill Roy. They cart him off to hospital and Pat and Baz follow. Baz says that if Roy dies he’ll have no family left at all. Fuck off, Barry.

Bad bro, Dr Perv and Trini-Dad bicker about the goddamn baby and Dr Perv ends up saddled with it. The baby pukes on his shoulder. Oh the hilarity. It’s “Three Men and a Baby” for the new millennium!

Undercover Kyert goes for dinner with Fill and Babs but Babs starts rambling on about how much fill likes Kyert and Kyert is “conflicted” and has to leave. Later on in the Undercover Kyar, mean baldy bloke says that she has to choose what side she is on.

It is St Patricks day so there is a tsunami of shamrock themed non-comedy. Trini-Dad and Jim try to prove that they are Irish so they can get cheap drinks. Ethel 2.0 says they have to prove it by singing Irish songs. Kill me now. Ian pops up to mock simpleton with his new found wealth. Two words Simpers: “divorce” “lawyer”. Ethel2.0 talks about “courting before the war” which would make her about 80 if they meant WW2. Perhaps it was the Gulf War.

At the hospital Roy wakes up and the Dr says he has a good chance of making it (or he did until Dr “Death” Perv had a go). Pat says that Baz can go and see him first but apparently Roy was asking for Pat. Ha ha! Pat has to grovel and prove her innocence to Roy yet again (Roy keeps accusing her of lying, whilst conveniently forgetting that he spent three months standing on a hillside with Her From Widows whilst supposedly “at a car auction in Enfield”). In the end he forgives her. When Baz goes in, Roy says that he is giving him the business. Baz: “But I’m stupid and always mess up!” Roy: “My evil, competent son is no longer on the show! I don’t have any choice.” Pat and Baz go home to let Roy rest.

Then there is a weird thing where they cut between Ethel 2.0 singing in the pub and Roy flatlining in the hospital. Sing Ethel sing!. Roy being shocked etc. More singing. Roy dying. Ethel killing him softly with her song. Roy dead. Ethel looking guilty. What was that all about? Pat and Baz get the phone call from hospital and look sad.

NAT LEAVES PAT TO TAKE THE RAP

The morning after Nat escapes from both Rickay and Bazza (go girl!), Baz is sleeping on the sofa while Roy works himself up into an impotent rage in the kitchen. He discovers that Pat knew all about it and decides that it's all Pat's fault that Nat ran off. Why? Because this is a soap, where simple things like correct recruitment procedures and logical, rational behaviour are mere fairy tales. And he is the father of Bazza, after all. Anyway, at the height of his rant, he clutches his left arm and falls over, dead. Pat is sad. Bazza is mad.

UKyert meets up with sinister baldy man in the car again, and they talk about "the boss" wanting something out of Fill's house or whatever.Yeah yeah, just bring on Big Dan and set him after Teen Slater, will you? UKyert grabs the freezer cash and hides it before telling Baldy Bloke that the coast is clear. Peggy intercepts Baldy Bloke, and UKyert puts the money back. Fill gives her a toy lion.

Chez Perv, TriniDad and Dr Perv leave Baby Bruthette with Bad Brutha for a day. Bad Brutha gets a maternal MY Gus to take the baby off his hands because he's a non-comedy bad father. MY Gus is the new Robbie. Poor bastard. TriniDad finds BB flogging dodgy gear and gets cross. BB says the money will pay for nappies and baby stuff. Yawn. Just employ MY Gus as your nanny and non-comedy sidekick and be done with it, Bad Brutha...

BARRY, YOUR TEARS ARE SO SWEET!!"

(by mark)
Carrying on straight from last night… Barry says “you can’t leave! It’s Barry! Your husband!” – yes Barry she knows, you’re the stupid one in the relationship. Rickay gets out of the car and Barry punches him. Nat gets out too to do her “leave it, he’s not worth it!” routine. Barry drags her into the pub to show her that he planned a surprise party and therefore loves her more than Rickay. Baz and Nat go into the ladies bogs so they won’t embarrass the party goers with their “Who’s afraid of Virginia Woolf” style antics. Pat and Roy shout at Rickay, saying that he is as bad as Fur-wank. Roy does not have a heart attack though, as I had been led to believe.

In other news, Baldy bloke phones Kyert while she is with Fill and tells her to sleuth harder for weapons. MY Gus and Trini-dad are doing something together that I am not interested in and Backstreet and Ethel 2.0 act like muppets.

Baz and Nat have a really long boring talk where he pleads for her to stay and she says “No, I love Rickay and not you!” I can’t be bothered to describe it in more detail but Baz cries a lot. Ha ha! Nat and rickay are about to leave when Juhneen pulls out her ace card and tells Nat that Rickay slept with Sham. Nat is horrified and says “How could you do that to me, blah blah.” Rickay tries the “We were on a break!” defence but it works for him about as well as it did for Ross in Friends. While all this is going on, Pat lurks behind Rickay shouting “He’s no good, he’s a cheater, he’ll break your heart!” In the end Natalie says “I choose me!” and drives off with her kid in her birthday car. Nat cries, Baz cries, Rickay looks slack jawed as usual. Nat was pretty good in this episode. Baz and Rickay, not so much.

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