AU REVOIR, LA MOOMIN
Who could it be??? Gasp – it is Straight Pike, coming to collect his belongings and confess all in the style of a Scooby doo villain. He explains to Dot that Poline was a miserable old bitch who didn’t even pretend to be nice to him and never put out or anything. He hit her with a frying pan on xmas day but she seemed fine afterwards (and let’s face it, he didn’t leave any visible marks) and it was all her fault anyway. Oh the dramatic irony that Poline would be laid low by her trusty husband battering pan. Dot starts screaming “Moiderer! Moiderer!” and dials the police, but Str8 Pike dashes the phone from her grasp (though it is still switched on so the 999 operator hears the whole confession). While they are grappling, Jim happens to be passing so he runs upstairs and um throws Str8 Pike out of the window! Ha ha, I’m not joking! Str8 Pike bounces off the porch, crashes through a market stall and lands in a heap on the pavement. Ouch, that’s going to leave a mark definitely. Buh bye Straight Pike, what a boring character you were. Does that mean your prison bitch Bert is leaving too? Oh.

By Monday, Moomin has been released, Str8 Pike has been pinned with Poline’s death and Jim has been cleared of any crime. Wow, that’s the quickest police investigation and inquest ever! Martin wants to get back together with Moomin but she thinks it is a bit quick, what with him accusing her of murder just last week etc and so on. Poline’s will is read out and Martin gets the house as long as that Dirty Jackson doesn’t live in it. Ian rubs his hands at the thought of Martin falling for Moomin’s ahem charms as that means he will get the house. Martin and Moomin bicker and make up and bicker again. They have sex at some point too and then Martin shouts that he just wanted a wife but Moomin couldn’t decide whether she wanted to be a lesbian! or read a book! or play the trumpet! Trumpet playing, literate married women all over the country give the TV a quizzical look.

In other news; Evil little scrote Ben manages to drive drippy Sophie Thompson out of the Vic and back to her damp bedsit.

GADawn, Smarmy Metrosexual and Smarmy Metrosexual’s luxuriant chest rug start canoodling again. Rob says he will leave Dr Fox after GADawn has the baby but they have to string Dr Fox along in the meantime. Dawn agrees because she is stupid.

We finally discover Parklife’s dark secret and it is v boring – basically he isn’t Deano or Carly’s real dad (that would be some bloke in the back alley behind the pub – a different one for each kid). Deano is shocked but then accepts it but that insufferable little madame Carly starts whining and carrying on until Parklife grabs his passport and drives off in the dead of night, never to be seen again hopefully. Meanwhile Atkins puts moves on Fill and Agarry (while wearing a black netting blouse like something Marylin Manson would wear in one of his shittay videos) and later gets slapped by Carly.

In the end Moomin decides to go to Manchester and live with Bianca so she can sort her life out. Also there might be a chance that her mum will actually visit her there! At the last minute, Martin throws himself in front of the Taxicab of Finality and says that him and Chloebacca are going too and Moomin just has to shut up and agree with it. Poor old Moomin does as she’s told and they kiss in the back seat while Chloebecca smiles like an evil little goblin between them. What a creepy shot. Then they drive off and I am heartily sick of them, so good. Buh bye Martin and Moomin, you have provided us with lots of laughs over the years, not many of them intentional but never mind. I expect to see Martin on the Bill and Moomin on Holby City any day now…

FATHEADS FOR JUSTICE
People keep disappearing and popping up in the most unexpected places this week.

First MMartin pops up to rage impotently at Fill. Fill slams Martin against a wall or two until Martin tells him that Moomin used her Moominpowers to do a Squeaky and took Chloebecca with her. Fill has Squeaky flashbacks. MMartin says he just wants to bring his baybay girl home, where she will be safe. Dude look around you. You haven't even sorted the lightbulb in the living room, let alone replace the fruitbowl and put glass back in the windows . MMartin has an Arfur-style meltdown and throws things around.

I admit I went off to make cakes for a bit, so the next thing I saw was some kind of tension between Sophie Thompson and Young Ben and then Ben's up on the Nick Cotton Memorial bridge of DOOM with Mmartin. Martin threatens to throw Ben under the next train. If he's on the Hammersmith & City, he,ll be there for a while. A crowd gathers and it.s just like that scene in Oliver. Not. Martin apologises to Ben and tells him that it,s all Fill's fault for helping Moomin get her Dirty Jackson hands on his little girl. Fill appears on the other side of the line, and you wonder where are the transport police. Anyway Martin gets talked down. Babs and Beale give Fill a hard time. Sophie tells Ben that it was all his fault for wandering off and disobeying his new Mummy, but that Ben should thank her for calming down Scary Fill. Way to go Evil Stepmother Sophie!

Atkins is still hanging around, trying to work the vacuum cleaner and chatting up AGarry when she's supposed to be doing the shopping. Carly spies her in the pub and flies into an Electra-esque rage. There's a East End traditional mother/daughter beer fight (we have them every week, only with gin instead of beer) and Parklife has to break them up. Carly says she's leaving. Parklife then explains that Carly is very protective of her brothers, especially the one that died. Atkins decides to go, and then doesn't, and I'm just too bored to care.

Somehow Atkins manages to get a job in the Vic - perhaps Babs is working on the principle that if the barmaid looks rougher than the clientele, they might behave themselves. She also gets a flat and threatens to reveal Parklife's Dark Secret if he doesn't stop telling her to clear off. Parklife: shifty.

GADawn goes to the abortion clinic again. She'll be getting a loyalty card at this rate. Dr Shewolf dispatches Slimy to bring the bitch and her foetus back by any means necessary. This of course means that Slimy has to pretend that he really does love GADawn and wasn't just using her as a pressure-free shag, and that he is going to leave Dr She Wolf as soon as the baybay is born. GADawn calls off the d&c and goes home. Again. The receptionist nearly gnaws her other hand off in frustration.

Moomin decides to return to the Square and give herself up before Martin gets hold of a Batman costume and decides to dangle DC Lucy from the roof of the community centre. There is a tedious two-hander where she apologises for all the bad things that she has done to MMartin. Not once does she mention that he got her pregnant at 15 and then killed the LOVE OF HER LIFE; and nobody liked Poline anyway. Instead, she says she's innocent and she's going to use all her Moominpowers to prove it. She wants to go to the cop shop and turn herself in under her own steam, but MMartin sneakily calls the police so they drag her away in front of a howling mob got up specially for the occasion by Mo.

Pat's Goddess powers are in overdrive this week. First she calms down Parklife and stops him from killing Atkins with his bare hammy hands. Then she tells Dot that dobbing Moomin in to the coppers was the right thing to do. Dot finds Poline's old laundrette coat and takes it over to the burnt out shell of the Fowler house to lay Poline's restless ghost to rest or something. But then she hears a strange noise...and it's...[drums...music...credits...trailer for Waking The Dead]

In other news: Naomi has taken up residence in the plot cupboard. Dadley is openly shunning JoJo. err...that's it.

LEADEANO OF THE PACK

This a bit of a crappy crib as I am super busy at work and doing lots of overtime at the moment.

Deano is wandering round acting all drunken and angry (well, I say “acting”….) and Chelski is sniffing round and being vaguely protective, even though she totally doesn’t fancy him, oh no. At one point Deano gets into a funny fight with Jojo where she smacks him and they throw each others’ cheap market crap on the floor. Chelski horns in and waggles her finger at JoJo all “oh no you didn’t, girlfriend” like a guest on Jerry Springer. In the end Chelski drags Deano away and he drives around randomly with her in a car off the lot and overacts – it turns out that when he went round to see Atkins she was – gasp – shagging some bloke and now he all traumatised etc. Well Deano, if you thought that your mother was actually a virgin then you’re even stupider than we all thought.

Meanwhile, Dadley bins off a posh hotel date with Jojo because Nurse Tanyah wants him to pick up Abi from school. Jojo makes up for it by dragging him into the bogs of the Vic for some canoodling. Hmm, the smell of urinal tablets is so arousing. Not. Dadley gets so carried away that he forgets to pick his kid up and she walks home, just in time for drunken annoying Deano to come tearing round the corner in his charabanc of doom!! Oh no no no no, look out, look out, look out, crash! Etc. He runs over Abi and the car must be oddly designed with all the padding on the outside and the hard metal on the inside, as Abi just has a broken wrist and Deano ends up in a coma with a punctured lung and broken ribs. Okayyyy.

Nurse Tanyah is so furious that she says Dadley has to sleep on the sofa, but then he gets back in her good books by being a bit caring or something. I don’t know. He also dumps Jojo and JoJo she is sad.

In other news

Sophie Thompson wants to plan a surprise birthday party for Vic, but realises that Fill hasn’t got any friends. Ha ha. While she is snooping around she finds his box of ex-bitches with all photos of Squeaky and Kaffee et al. for some inexplicable reason this makes her feel inadequate (um have you looked at Fill lately love) so she gets herself all gussied up and Jojo tells her she looks like a cheap whore (from JoJo = compliment). Fill says he luvs her just the way she is – ie timorous and wet. Ben ruins the surprise party anyway but he’s going to get thrown off a bridge soon so he may as well enjoy himself while he can.

JoJo is mean to Bradley and his new bird.

Naomi, Agarry and Minty realise that they are finally going to be evicted and decide to buy a place together.

Someone phones Atkins so she can visit Deano in orspital but he doesn’t die, dammit. He asks her to stick around anyway. Pat and Atkins have a blonde hardfaced scrubber stand off and there are more hints re Parklife’s dark secret. Also Carly squawks “nobody wants you here!” about three hundred times.

GADawn says she will have an abortion after all if she isn’t allowed to see Smarmy anymore. God, we have nine months of this bullshit…

And finally Martin suddenly pops up, smashes Fill’s car and shouts “Where’s Sonyah!!???”

(also i have finally got round to updating my Capital Ring blog - link to the right!!)

ARE YOU GONNA BE MY BIRD?
Very quick and dirty crib for the week before last. Sorry all!

1. BABYGATE
Dr Foxy is turning into Dr Queen Wolf, but at least she's getting down with her bad self and not whining about ovaries any more. GADawn still thinks she can win Slimy back with her functional fallopian tubes, and demands large sums of money, plus expenses for carrying the embryonic Dawncub to full term. Slimy gets her to sign a contract that promises to carry the baby to full term, and hand him over without any arguments. Then he sends Dr Foxy over with the money. GADawn: sad, but not noticeably pregnant yet. Keef somehow realises that she's preggers - using unheard-of sonar skills that he learned off the Discovery Channel, perhaps - and offers fatherly support.

2. STACEYGATE
Not Yet Text Pest BroJo's back from his holidays sans Davetta, who by now is obviously tango-ing her little heart out in some Argentine bordello. He suspects that JoJo's got something unsavoury going on and starts hitting any male who gets within kissing distance. JoJo carries on with Dadley. A nation is mystified but slightly creeped out by BroJo's brotherly protectiveness.

3. STELLAGATE
Think you've got the idea now. Stella/Sophie Thompson is still competing with a ten year old boy for Fill's attention, and doesn't appear to think this is a bad thing. Anyway, she also gets mildly jealous that Fill has found a properly dodgy replacement for Dodgy Marcus. Stunt Marcus is responsible for getting Moomin freed on bail. Fill asks Stella to move in above the pub permanently. Maybe he's going to offer free conveyancing with every ten pints or something.

4. ATKINSGATE
First PB Bert, now Deano gets his own plot...what is the world coming to? Deano is depressed because Atkins is in town. Chelski offers to help him on the stall, and he makes a move on her. Chelski knocks him back. Deano: sadder yet suddenly less pointless.

5. MOOMINGATE
Stunt Marcus (temp nickname) gets Moomin freed on bail, but MMartin still won't let her poison Chloebecca with her Dirty Jackson ways. He tells Moomin that they can't bury Poline until the post-mortem is complete, and that's the only reason why she's not in Bad Girls yet. Moomin decides to make a break for it, and Fill hides her from the police when they come to arrest her for MOIDER! Before she goes, Moomin persuades Panto Jane to let her see Chloebecca one last time while everybody's pretending to be sad at Poline's memorial service, and then activates her Moomin powers to disappear the two of them into a taxi right under MMartin's nose. MMartin: cross.

This week we have just two main plots to entertain us, and because I have the so-called “January blues” I watched every second of it, for the first time in ages!

ATKINS DIE(T) !!
Hurrah! Atkins finally shows up in Albert Square, but before much happens we get a close up of her torn fishnet stockings, black microskirt and red shiny pleather jacket, just in case we were in any doubt that she is a PROPER SLAGGG! Meanwhile, in Pat’s care home for benneton esque family arrangements, Chelski and Carly are arguing about the bathroom and Deano has a hangover from NYE. What is the point of Deano again? At least he is not unpleasant to look at, I suppose. Somehow, Parklife gets wind of Atkins appearance and rushes off to thwart her. He drags her into the gents’ bog (as if an open unattended public toilet in London still exists) and spends about three hours overacting at her, forcing her to beg, pushing her around and tipping a rubbish bin over her. I was not a big fan of Parklife and his dubious acting at the best of times but now I actively dislike him. Atkins takes it all with hatchet faced stoicism and eventually says she’ll leave Walford after Parklife threatens to beat her up.

Carly is on the way to the funeral when she spots Parklife and Atkins bickering and uses hitherto unsuspected ninja skillz to hide behind a lamp post and watch. After Parklife has gone home to whine to Mrs Goggins, Carly phones him to ask why he isn’t going to the funeral and he tells her loads of lies. Carly makes a gurny face (actually her acting is not too bad this week) and then ninjas up the stairs of the tube station behind Atkins’ back and comes down off the platform just as she is buying a tube ticket. They are all “oh, fancy meeting you here” and start chatting. It turns out that there isn’t a train for a while (eh? Tube had Sunday service on NY day) so Carly invites “Sue” back to hers for a cuppa and a bath (???? - I know they have to get her out of the way somehow so the others can chat about her but still…) where, of course, Parklife sees her and makes a gurny face.

After the stupid, plot mandated bath, Atkins is sitting in the kitchen and everyone is making veiled comments until Carly finally yells, “I know she’s our mum!” and the cat it is out of the bag. Parklife carries on blustering but Carly insists that her and Deano speak to Atkins alone. Atkins explains that she wasn’t ready for kids and had to run away but wants to get to know them now. Carly tells her it isn’t good enough and tells her to get out and Deano reluctantly agrees. As she is stomping off, Atkins phones Parklife and tells him that he has to smooth things over with the kids, or else she will tell everyone Parklife’s Dark Secret. Parklife makes a “ruh roh” face. I hope his Dark Secret is really embarrassing.

Mrs Goggins says that Parklife is scaring her (thus setting up a scene where she sees Parklife hit Atkins and goes “yoiks, my new man is a woman beater too!!”) and then inexplicably goes to the pub where Atkins is failing to charm the likes of Minty, Agarry and Fill with her non-sparkling disposition. Atkins and Goggins banter a bit and then Atkins begs for Mrs G to give her contact details to the kids. Mrs Goggins throws the bit of paper away but then has an attack of guilt and gets it out of the bin again.

CSI: WALFORD
After spending the last week running round shouting that Poline was a nasty old hag, Str8 Pike finally apologises to Martin and asks to come to the funeral. Martin says yes as long as he keeps the hell away from him. Everyone else gets dolled up to the funeral, with lots of feathery black hats like partially dismembered crows for the ladies. Minty and Garry miss it because one of them forgot to set the alarm (so EE actually admits that they sleep together now?) and Mo has non comedy shenans with the buffet.

Moomin is keeping Chloebecca welded to her side to avoid her asking any of those awkward “Why did mummy batter granny to death” type questions. They all go to the church and Chloebecca slips away. Dot goes after her and Chloebecca asks her “Why does mummy keep trying to use her Moomin powers on me? What is she trying to hide?” Meanwhile, Martin and Ian snivel and overact as they give speeches (I probably haven’t mentioned it but I love the new DC Stephen! He is a hilariously bad actor. Also DC Lucy appears to be turning into Rachel Stephens.) Moomin rushes out to stop Chloebecca spilling any beans but it is too late. Dot asks Moomin what is going on and Moomin simpers unconvincingly and says “Why, what can you mean Dot? Nothing is going on? I certainly didn’t beat Poline’s brains out with my fearsome moominpaws! Nosiree!” Dot looks sad and thoughtful. They go back to the church and Dot acts like she is going to give it all away in her speech. She doesn’t but then nips outside and calls the cops. They arrive just in time to stop Poline’s withered husk of evil finally being committed to a fiery furnace to the strains of Dusty Springfield, and whisk it off for an autopsy.

In other news:

- Dr Fox gets through a scene without whining about her ovaries once!

- Jojo slinks around in a horrid, rat skin looking coat and canoodles with Dadley right under Nurse Tanyah’s nose. She sets up a date with him in the Park of Contemplation and gets all gussied up in quite a nice dress, for JoJo. Dadley stands her up though, as Nurse Tanyah has let her kids make her over in a 15 yr old, Claire’s Accessories stylee and it gives him the horn (which is quite creepy really).

Back at Walford, everyone piles into the pub and gossips about the shock scandal. Mo jokes that Poline must have been bumped off by Mr Opodopolos, in league with Betty the dog. That makes about as much sense as anything else in this stupid soap. Ian overhears them and squeals, “Do you think it’s funny? Do you think it’s funny?” No Ian, but your acting is making me laugh.

Dot swoons and takes to her bed. Moomin stands around with the police going “Ha ha ha, Dot is totally senile, she makes up crazy shit all the time!” and Chloebecca slips away yet again (she must go to the same ninja class as Carly) and Moomin goes after her to find Martin on Losers Bench. The plot rapidly takes a sharp turn towards bobbins-ville as Martin has turned into a crazy paranoid nutcase and mutters that he knows who did it, someone who hated Poline and wanted to wreak a vicious revenge on her. Moomin starts whimpering but Martin actually means Str8 Pike (whom he likens to Fred West!) and wants to go and beat a confession out of him. Moomin says that that might not be such a good idea so Martin starts screaming that if she’s not with him she’s against him (seriously!) and runs off into the night to beat up a convenient scarecrow (seriously! – though I was hoping that they would superimpose Str8 Pike’s face onto the scarecrow and play spooky music before he did it). Moomin goes home and Dot tells her to confess whatever the hell it is she has done. Moomin doesn’t want to as she says no one will like her then. Oh Moomin, no one likes you anyway. Ian finds Martin and sends him home where – gasp – Str8 Pike is waiting to apologise. Martin jumps on him and starts to choke the bitch. Moomin stands around watching while Dot keeps going, “Ahem, haven’t you got something you’d like to tell everyone, Moomin?” Moomin eventually shouts, “It was me!” in a weird honky voice and everyone stares at her. Moomin and Martin have a long, dull conversation (which seems like a good time to make tea) and then Martin sneaks Chloebecca away to Poline’s palace of misery. Moomin goes after her and Martin turns nasty and says he will never let Moomin see her again. Moomin cries and then slaps Martin, so Martin drags her outside by the hair and throws her roughly to the ground, just in time for her to be arrested by the police for MOIDER!!!

POLINE CONVERSION
So anyway, your boyfriend dumps you in a quite nasty and humiliating way in front of his faaancy office friends, after one of them has tried to get it on with you in the toilets etc etc. You're feeling angry, hungover, and rather sad, so what do you do? Yes, that's right girls, you go and have sex with your ex's dad. Though this is only after you've dressed up like Morticia Addams at the beach and had a go at everyone in the pub on Christmas Day. Hang on a minute, what were they all doing in the pub on Christmas Day anyway? Normal families are snoozing in front of Wallace & Gromit while the offspring bicker about whose go it is on the Wii...

Well, that's about it for JoJo then. She slinks around all week, tempting Dadley into her single bed and getting him all hot and bothered while muttering darkly about revenge. Bradley looks embarrassed because NurseTanyah and Duckface thinks she's still in with a chance. He tries to get her to pay for the damage to his new motor (£300?! I want the name of that mechanic), and then tells her that she doesn't have to pay ...I think I fell asleep at this point. Anyway, Dadley does lots of sneaking around. JoJo wears lots of make-up and announces that she wants to be Dadley's Bit On The Side. Woah...ambitious, eh?

Phoney decides to try and be a Proper Mum to the cute Downs baby before she dies. Only she insists that she gets a proper name instead of "Petal". Billy: happy.

The non-comedy nonsense involves Minty, Fill and AGarry dressing up as Santa and getting caught in the chimney or something. Chloebecca tells Santa that she wants a cardigan for Christmas. Moomin cries NOOOOOOOO! and runs into the night.

Not really. But Poline is off to Florida to live with Shell and possibly take up a professorship in Advanced Miserablism at the University of North Beach. Somehow Shell has managed to book a last-minute flight at the busiest time of the year, and no damn Heathrow fog isn't going to dissuade Poline from her mission to spread gloom and greyness to the sunny shores of Miami. Not even the Bealemeister whingeing about how he is but her apprentice in Evil, and if she goes, only Panto Jane will give a monkey's toss about him. Well, you could always give Patrick a job. Moomin appears, and I missed the two-hander between her and Poline because it was bathtime, but Mr P says it was rather good, and Moomin lamps Poline.

Poline goes to drop one last morsel of poison into the Vic's champagne bucket, but suddenly gets a bit of a headache in MacArfur Park, and drops down dead in front of Loser's Bench. MMartin finds her, face down in the snow (wtf?!). Moomin: looks slightly guilty. Chloebecca won't talk to Moomin, and tells her that she saw her hit Poline. Moomin: guiltier. MMartin hears a Last Voicemail from Poline that apologises to everyone for all the hurt and misery she has caused. What...all of it? Moomin: guilty as a big guilty sack of guilt.

NurseTanyah and Dadley decide to have their Christmas party anyway, and Dot agrees that it's what Poline would have wanted. A nation cries: "You what?!?" Straight Pike escapes from the Plot Cupboard for one last hurrah. MMartin tells him that Poline is dead as he's packing his stuff. Straight Pike is shocked. Prison Bitch Bert takes him off to the pub, where he sits and looks shocked until somehow he gets into the party. Everybody goes quiet, and then Straight Pike says: "Oh who cares? She was an evil old witch and I'm glad she's dead." Everybody: shocked and appalled. MMartin tries to get Pike to attend Poline's funeral, but he says the only reason he'd go is to dance on her grave or something. Anyway, even Fill is mildly shocked, but then he's still reeling from the announcement that Sophie Thompson is moving into the Vic. Actually, that's an EE record. From solicitor to live-in barmaid in less than a month. She's still not quite getting on with Ben.

Over at the Dolescums, Dasbo tries to seduce the DVD girl, but fails utterly and gets his photo on the Internet or something. Dr Foxy follows GADawn around, muttering about her blissfully uncomplicated fallopian tubes and working ovaries. GADawn spends the abortion money on a vile pair of purple boots, and arranges an NHS termination instead. Dr Foxy offers her loads of money for the baby (oh yes, we saw that one coming, didn't we readers?). GADawn tells her she's a mentalist harpy. Dr Foxy tells Slimy to go and save his BABY'S LIFE or she won't let him live with her any more or whatever. Slimy persuades GADawn not to abort, and GADawn fails to realise that it's just another Slimy ruse and thinks he still loves her. Mickney: glad to be an uncle, and significantly less...orange...since we last saw him.

Meanwhile, at the Wicks/Evans Palace of Truth and Beauty, the Parklifes cancel their annual "Drink Your Way Around The World in Five Hours-athon" in deference to Mrs Goggins's feelings about drunkards. They do some lame party games instead, and much fun is not had by all. But...in the Other Pub where EE characters go to have out-of-square crises, Atkins off Bad Girls is serving fat blokes and looking bored. Then, out of the blue, she decides to go and visit the family! Hurrah for Atkins!

(NOT) KNOCKED-UP DOC?
I don't see the final unravelling of Poline's WEB OF LIES, but I do see the build up.

Everybody's sad about Poline's brain tumour (except Moomin, but she hides it well).Straight Pike calls the hospital to find out when Poline can go in for her brain scan. Poline tries to tell him that her oncologist perished in a bizarre gardening accident and she fried the MRI machine with a laser blast meant for Moomin. Mmartin mooches Oedipally. Straight Pike tries Doctor Foxy but Dr is too busy injecting herself with baby-making drugs to care.

Anyway, Straight Pike finds out the way the plot is going and outs Poline as a liar. Everyone moves in with Moomin. Chloebecca thinks that the house smells of wee and wants to go back to Poline's, where the air is ripe with bracing odour of brimstone and charred banana.

Meanwhile, Ben doesn't like Sophie Thompson and pretends to lose his glasses/smashes his hearing aid/leave horses' heads on Sophie's sofa. Fill: uncomprehending.

@@ tries to get to the bottom of the Mystery of the Positive Pregnancy Test, but Parklife finds out and starts throwing accusations at any menstruating female within 100 yards. Eventually Mrs G buys two more pregnancy tests, and hands them to Chelski and Carly. Chelski and Carly show negative,and the whole family looks suspiciously at @@. Not really. Everybody goes: “Hmmmm…whoever could it be? Oh, haven’t we got to return GADawn’s coat?”

I can't quite understand why a doctor and a city trader type have to sell their Barretts starter home and live in a one-bed flat so that they can afford IVF, but there you go. Slimy gets hacky looks from assorted Dolescums. GADawn glares and momentarily deludes herself that Slimy is just waiting for the right time to dump Dr Foxy and move in with her. Slimy says that no, he wants to make posh test tube babies with Dr Foxy, not rough working class organic babies with GADawn, and offers her some abortion money. GADawn throws him out, then goes to Dr Foxy to arrange the abortion. Either that shows hitherto unknown levels of irony on GADawn's part or she really is that stupid. Oh, my mistake: it’s a flimsy plot device….

Slimy sees GAD stomping out of the surgery and rushes in to tell Dr Foxy that no, he is definitely not the father of GAD’s baby, but Dr Foxy says: “Umm…hang on a minute…married man…barren wife…pack your things and go, Bastard Face”. The following morning, she stops GAD in the street and smacks her one. Way to go with that Hippocratic oath, Doc. Later, Slimy tries to tell Dr Foxy that it was all over with GAD months ago, and he probably isn’t the father anyway. GAD tells Dr to check the dates and work it out for herself, after all, as GAD says: “You’re supposed to be the brainy one”. Go Go GADawn! Slimy left gaping in the street as wife and ex-girlf storm off in opposite directions.

Oh alright then…there’s another fight at Dot’s this time, and Chloebecca has to summon all her Moominpowers to make them stop shouting at each other. This involves shouting: “Stop shouting!” into the living room. Poline is affronted by a six-year-old child having a voice – after all Mmartin didn’t get his own lines until he was at least 13 and it didn’t do him any harm. She scuttles back to her lair to stick pins into Moomindolls, and Mmartin and Moomin decide to reveal the identity of Chloebecca’s real parents in the form of a fairy story. It would have been so much better as a light-sabre duel over the car pit in the arches, wouldn’t it.

Next door, Bradley is getting into trouble with Stacey over his faaancy City ways. Apparently he’s been given the task of organizing the firm’s Christmas party with the help of two posh PR fluffy types. Male PR fluffy bosses Bradley around and teases him about eating whelks for breakfast and being common; while Female PR fluffy wears very short skirts and gives him advice about how not to be common. Stacey is busy looking for a flat, which they are going to pay for with Bradley’s huge City bonus, apparently. Female PR fluffy pouts and invites Bradley out for sushi and more advice on not being common. Bradley blushes and goes out with the fluffy rather than look at a flat. Stacey: cross. Male PR fluffy teases Bradley about being 18 and not driving a car yet. Bradley says: “Umm…no actually, I’ve got a car. It’s green…and it’s…sporty with a...umm soft top…”. Then he goes out and buys an green soft-top sports car of some description (looks like a Peugeot from here) instead of spending it on a deposit. Stacey: crosser.

In other news. AGarry and Minty try to get Naomi to find them a flat. She doesn't, but does get a part time job at the surgery. Without an interview or checks or anything...wow. Fill makes them do something unspecified to the pub fireplace that was prompted by Sophie Thompson going on about chestnuts roasting on an open fire or something.

Other news 2: Ex Prison-now-Pat’s Bitch Bert doesn’t want to go to his wife’s funeral, then he doesn’t, then he does. He encounters a merry band of hooded urchins terrorizing the crematorium and is torn between horror and pride when he discovers that the Lead Hoodie is his grandson. What are the chances...etc.

EIGHT GO MAD IN DORSET
After all the excitement last week it is the LAW OF SOAP that this week has to be really shit. First of all, Parklife, Mrs Goggins, their assorted kids, Trinidad and Yolande all use Parklife's prize money to go to Dorset. In December. Right. I think a easyjet tip to malaga or something would have been more convincing but never mind.

@@@ has taken to calling Trinidad “grampa” and has started buying him horrible novelty records saying that there is no one quite like him etc etc. Trinidad pulls gurny faces and eventually confesses that it is all a tissue of lies! All the Gogginses are shocked and appalled but Trinidad says it wasn’t a scam and that he just wanted a proper family after his two idiot sons were written out of the show and everyone miraculously forgot about the whole foster parent malarkey.

Carly and Beano mooch around the village and meet a pub landlord who used to be mates with Parklife and who is something of a silver fox. Carly flirts with him but Deano keeps sabotaging it, possibly because he fancies the landlord too. Anyway, it turns out that Silver Fox is in cahoots with Parklife’s ex-wife/Carly & Deano’s mum, who is played by that hard faced one off Bad Girls who everyone thought escaped but ended up dying a horrible death in a sealed up room or something. Anyway, she contrives to meet the kids without telling them who she is. She later confronts Parklife and he goes “You’re dead to me! Our other son died and you didn’t even come to the funeral! Bitch!” He says they all have to leave Dorset and race back to London, but Mrs Ex Parklife says it isn’t over yet, oh no.

On the way back @@@ finds a pregnancy testing thing – who could it be, gosh gasp???

Meanwhile back in Walford, Prison Bitch Bert has a plot all of his own. Don’t encourage him pls thanks. He goes to visit his dying ex wife in the hospice and takes Pat instead of Mo as presumably he doesn’t want Mo stealing all the morphine and then selling it on at Chloe Becca’s nativity play. Mo is jealous and Charlie tries to be the voice of reason as usual, but as usual turns out to be the rather too high pitched voice of ineffectuality.

They bring Mrs Ex Burt back so she can die on Pat’s sofa. Umm OK – I hope those sofa cushion covers can be dry cleaned. They talk about the past and it turns out that Bert’s daughter also died of cancer without ever knowing about Bert, but that he has a long lost grandson who will no doubt be shoe horned uncomfortably into Walford in the next few weeks. Mrs Ex Bert says she wants to kiss Bert, even though he has an ugly beard (that’s no way to talk about Mo!!) and then karks it. Back to Poline’s reign of terror now please!!!

POLINE DAMNS THE WORLD TO HECK
We don't get to see the fire of DOOM, but it looks like Poline's fruitbowl survived the conflagration, as did she. Did MMartin make a dash through the inferno to save his sulking mother? Did Joe construct a rescue ladder out of bits of 2x4 and old knickers? We will never know.

All we do know is that Poline's expression hasn't changed since we last saw her, sitting on the stairs, clutching BettytheDog to her breast while Moomin conducted her very own speak bitterness session in the living room. There she is, in her hospital bed, eyebrows perfectly arched, and mouth like the proverbial cat's arse. Nobody wants to tell Poline the truth about MMartin and Moomin, even though she drops mile-wide hints at every opportunity. So Poline decides that if nobody is going to tell the truth, she's going to lie too. But she doesn't tell her loved ones that she's running a crack whorehouse out of Arfur's shed, oh no. She says that the doctors checked her for smoke damage and found...cancer. Apparently she has a brain tumour in her lungs and only has days to live, so everybody had better start being nice to her and doing as they're told, or she'll come back and haunt them or something. MMartin immediately promises to do anything she likes, including stuffing her corpse and keeping it in the living room while he dresses up in her old cardigans and cleanses the showers of Walford of SIN. Not really. But he does dump Moomin. Moomin: foiled!

It's also the run up to another Wedding of the Month. Panto Jane's mother, Auntie Mabel (aka Nurse Gladys Emmanuel) flies in from inspecting poo factories on CBeebies, and parks her spotty Damien Hirst plane down by the canal. Auntie Mabel doesn't like Ian. The words: "weasel-faced loser" are never far from her lips. Though she lets it drop that Jane's real name is Lesley.

PantoJane has the usual EE hen party, when a bunch of women she barely speaks to suddenly come together to drink champagne and talk about strippers/marriage being a living hell/quote Dylan Thomas. Except Junior Hussies DC Lucy and Lauren manage to invite themselves along too, and get drunk on cheap cava. PJane cancels the stripper and carts DC Lucy home. Ian gets cross and almost adds "can't look after other peoples' teenage children" to her list of crimes, except that DC Lucy says that having Panto Jane for a stepmother might be OK.

Poline looks at a photo of her Twiggyesque 1960s self, and wants to play an old record from her youth. Oooh, is it "Come Outside"? Joe finds her old dansette, and she cranks it up to play a Dusty Springfield classic. Blimey, all we need are the drag queens. Instead, we get Ian.

Ian wonders about not publicly humiliating PJane on her second big day, but then Poline tells him that she knows all about Martin and The Dirty Jackson and has decided to punish them by dying of cancer. Ian cries like a girl until Poline tells him to shut up, she's not really dying: she just made it up to punish the world for lying and possibly showing the damage that lies can do. Yes, that sounds like soap logic to me.... Ian tells her about PJane and Grunt, and Poline says that crushing her spirit isn't enough; he needs to tell the world that he is a cuckold three times over. In a church. In front of Auntie Mabel.

Meanwhile, at the Mitchells, Babs is organising some medieval banquet, complete with stuffed pigs head, some weird layered roast bird dish and a fat bloke in a dress chucking chicken legs about. Oh, that's Minty.

Fill has an attack of conscience and texts: "He KNOWS" to PJane. PJane runs into the rain in her dress, and refuses to marry Ian. Poline decides to have a go anyway, and is wearing a special Satanic Red outfit for the occasion, with matching hat. Ian runs off to read Jane's list of crimes in the street or something. What follows is possibly one of the worst things I have ever seen on TV. And I've been watching The X-Factor.

It rains. Ian screams. PJane screams back. PJane runs off to the allotments and cries a bit. Ian runs after her, still screaming. Then suddenly it's dark, and they fall into Arfur/MMartin's carrot patch and start throwing mud at each other, still screaming. Ian says he gave her everything: a job, three kids to look after, a house to run, free chips and choice of leftover fishcakes every other Saturday...everything a woman could want. But PJane says she wanted more, like baldy ex-para loving and lots of it. Obviously Ian calling the shots was never good enough for Miss Picky, eh Patrick?

Anyway, in the middle of all this...perhaps Ian swallows some of MMartin's leftover hemp seeds...Ian has a revelation, and decides that he really does love PJane, and that they can put all this behind them. PJane is only marginally less surprised than we are...Poline sees them from her lair and scuttles out to remind him of his duty to rend PJane limb from scarlet limb. Ian says he's changed his mind, and maybe Poline should say that the cancer diagnosis was all a mistake, and they mistook her for the hatchet faced harridan at the other end of the ward...Poline scowls and says: "Go to hell..." Excellent!

THE PERILS OF POLINE
Another semi crib this week, I’m afraid as I was out a lot last week and am super busy this week. I’m sure I have missed loads out but that’s what the comments are for!

Anyway, BroJo calls off the wedding to Davetta in front of everyone but she still sucks up to him and begs him to keep lurving her. Both Jojo and Davetta take it in turns to march into the salon and slap Priitstick for letching over BroJo, in one scene Priitstick is wearing a huge and bizarre red ribbon in her hair like Toni Basil. Priiti says that actually BroJo started it.

Davetta suggests to BroJo that they both move to her big house in Essex so she can lock him naked in a room and stare at him 24 hrs a day through CCTV (possibly). Meanwhile Jojo, BroJo and Bradley worry about what to tell JoJo Ma re Bro Jo’s miraculous return from the dead, esp as JoJo Ma seems to be acting a bit down, even though she swears she is taking her meds. Annoying Brat Davetta keeps whining that she hasn’t been introduced to JoJo Ma as BroJo’s intended. Bradely tells her to keep out of it. JoJo goes to see her mum and is about to tell her about BroJo but can’t go through with it and confesses her abortion shame instead. They both hug and cry.

Smarmy Metrosexual says that he lurves GADawn but can’t leave his wife because they have started IVF or something. Dawn says that she's a gift wrapped kitty kat and only turns into a tiger when she’s under attack. Later on Dr Fox(y lady) says that she has been made permanent and that they can move into the flat above the surgery. (Eh? I thought only pubs came with built in accommodation…) Smar-Met is shocked and appalled that she might get wind of his philandering once she gets to know everyone.

Davetta decides to take matters into her own hands and takes some flowers round to JoJo Ma and is prattling on like “I’m sure BroJo has told you all about me! I used to be a likeable and sympathetic character but now I’m an annoying little madame!” JojoMa and then Davetta’s faces are a picture when they both realise the truth. I miss the shocking climax to this plot, but apparently BroJo goes around and has a fight with Jojo Ma and blames her for everything. Everything! I’m sure there was a lot of ACTING involved. For some reason Davetta decides to leave Walford FOREVAH and become a ballroom dancer in Essex. Byeee!

Sophie Thompson has been put off by Ian’s poisonous muttering and is avoiding Fill, She comes running back though at the first sight of his big potato head. Weirdo. Babs fusses around and interferes, as she always does when there is a chance of one of her spawn getting laid, but it appears that Ben does not like his new mummy.

Ian is in full on weasel mode, with lots of evil face hug action. He cancels the caterers and does other sneaky things while PantoJane skips around going “Wahey! I’m getting married” and tries out severe hairdos with Nurse Tanyah. He buys a pay as you go phone and texts Jane, saying that he is Guh-want wanting to meet up for a night of hot loving. Jane goes to the Park of Contemplation to meet him and Ian spies on her. (There are some funny yet incomprehensible scenes where little Bobby dresses up as a princess. Perhaps Str8 Pike has revived his Mr Benn activities). He does not keep his new decepta-phone long enough to hear Jane leave a message saying “It’s ovah Grant! I love Ian!”

Dole Scum Keef keeps forgetting to go shopping so his kids have to eat crackers for breakfast. Remind me again why he is still in it? There is some non comedy bobbins with Dasbo and Mickney buying dodgy DVD’s off a pretty Chinese girl in the street – kudos to EE for acknowledging a current trend but to be honest, most of the ones I see selling DVD’s don’t appear to be born in England and speak good English…

Oh wow, it all starts kicking off re Poline this week. First of all, Moomin and Martin keep having filthy moominsex assignations at Dot’s. There is a non comedy mix up at one point and Dot gets to see Martin’s throbbing member. Vom. Dot keeps telling them that they have to tell Poline, but Martin is too chicken. Poline is depressed (like, even more than usual) and keeps staring sadly at pictures of Grange Hill era Todd Carthy. Str8 Pike is totally unable to cheer her up. At one point, Dot, Str8 Pike, Martin and Moomin are all discussing her, not realising that Poline is sat on the stairs listening in. Moomin is going on about how Poline is such a vindictive old witch and only Dot defends her. Poline gets more and more stony faced as they prattle on and then runs upstairs to hide. Once they have gone she cadges one of Dot’s fags and puts it down carelessly and then goes upstairs to pack a bag. The fag falls onto a doily or something and catches fire. Ruh roh. Poline doesn’t know what is going on until smoke starts pouring into the room. By this time Martin and people outside have seen it and Martin runs into the Fiery Inferno and starts calling for her. Poline sits in silence upstairs and waits for DEATH!!!!!! OMG, for the first time in years I am dying to know what happens next!