SPANDAU BULLY
Sorry that this is (a) late and (b) shit – I went on holiday for few days and didn’t get to watch much of it last week.

SJ reappears from the plot cupboard and starts sniffing round Minty again – Minty acts all offended that she stood him up but forgives her as soon as she flutters her eyelashes and offers to put another shrimp on the barbie or whatever. AGarry rolls his eyes and then rolls them even harder when it turns out that she is homeless and needs a place to stay - Minty says she can stay with him, AGarry and Naomi. Later on SJ, the flaming galah, breaks Naomi’s bottle of shampoo – yes Naomi, that is the quality of plots you will be getting now that Moomin is finished with you. AGarry and Naomi tell Minty to get rid of her, so he pays for a bedsit for her, the big lunk.

Dot gets back from HMP Lakeland Plastics and is in a bad mood but won’t say why. I pray to God and the Little Baby Jesus that Nasty Nick is dead and we won’t have to put up with his terrible acting any more. She stomps off to the laundrette and meets Nurse Tanyah, whose washing machine has broken down (no washing machines work in walford –it’s like the twilight zone!) and who introduces herself as Mrs Branning – gosh gasp!! Dot has a dramatic confrontation with Jim -she gets him to confess about Dadley and she confesses that Nick didn’t want to see her any more once she was better. Damn – so not dead then. The rest of the week is spent with the various family members warily circling each other and trying to arrange a meal, only Jim stomps off at the last minute.

Nurse Tanyah hires Straight Pike, Prison Bitch Bert and Mickney to fit out her hair patting emporium. Mickney breaks something and Bert gets the blame, so Bert tricks Mickney into a freak spray tan disaster like Ross in that episode of Friends – oh my sides they do splitteth.

Davetta is sad that JoJo spends all her time boning Bradley and won’t come over and play with My Little Ponies or whatever it is that teenage girls do nowadays. She orders Lee to give her £2,000 from the club takings so she can pay for a holiday for her and JoJo – apparently it would be too hard to like, book a holiday and get a cheque to pay it or something. Sigh. Davetta stomps around like a little madame, waving her wad of cash around. At first JoJo is happy to go on holiday but then Bradley wants to horn in too and pay for himself to go with them. Davetta: “Why does that ginger bastard have to spoil anything!” Jojo: “Keep your stinking cash then, bitch!”

Davetta goes to the club to put the money back, unaware that shadowy forces are massing against her!! Spand-owen is lurking around on Losers Bench, rocking back and forth! Skint unemployed debt ridden Juley is lurking around wearing a HOODY!!! Professor Plum is hiding by the swings wielding a candlestick etc etc. As Davetta is leaving the club, someone grabs the money and pushes her away so she falls down and bangs her head a bit. Ahem – this is hardly the “Davetta is left for dead oh noes!!” storyline as promised by the soap mags. She is fine of course. When Jojo hears about it she grasses Juley up to the filth. Jojo and Davetta and Bradley all row and fall out and then make up. St Gus finds the money in Juley’s knicker drawer and Juley is so ashamed that he runs off to join the French foreign legion. Buh Bye Juley, you won’t be missed – even though you did stop being a gangsta and saying things like “shizzle on the nizzle” that made no sense. You now leave Naomi, Beano and Prison Bitch Bert battling for the title of “most pointless character in EE”…

Spand-Owen finally drags his sorry arse off Losers Bench and announces that he is moving back to Walford for good. @@@: Happy. Parklife, Chelski: Sad. Mrs Goggins: Ambivalent. Parklife and Mrs Goggins are STILL poncing around with their on/off relationship tedium. Now Parklife is all for it but Mrs Goggins is filled with doubt re Spand-owen. Perhaps her klingon half is taking over or something (I am surely not the only one who thinks she looks like a klingon? Anyone? Bueller?). It doesn’t help that that little hussy @@@ uses her powers for evil and tries to sabotage Parklife/Mrs G and encourage Spand-owen/Mrs G.

Mrs Goggins gets Spand-Owen over for a serious chat and he says that he is a changed man, has stopped drinking, will be a good father to @@@ etc etc etc. Mrs Goggins has a complete personality change for plot reasons moment of weakness and sleeps with him. Doh! Next day Mrs Goggins understandably wants to keep everything quiet but evil bad mean Spand-owen instantly skips off to tell Chelski and Parklife. Parklife hits the bottle and Chelski has a row with Mrs G which results in slappage. Mrs Goggins has a dramatic confrontation with spand-owen who reveals that he is still on the booze and it was all a tissue of lies. Mrs G tells him to get aht, but Spand–owen don’t need that pressure on and punches her in the face. Boo!

SCARAMOUCHE SCARAMOUCHE WILL YOU DO THE PHONEY-DANGO!
St Gus is alternately wondering where his halo has gone and checking his moby for Moomintexts. Juley, in the meantime is sad about being poor and useless. He takes the cleaning job at the Vic. Fill smiles and says he has blocked the toilets specially for him. Davetta laughs when she sees him wearing Marigolds and Juley makes a snarky comment about trustafarian brats living off Daddy's ill-gotten gains. Davetta: sad. JoJo decides to cheer her up with a night "up West", consigning Bradley to an evening with a DVD and a pizza.

There was a movement in the 70s and 80s where radical feminists encouraged straight women to embrace lesbianism in order to shake of the shackles of the patriarchy. Personally I just saw it as another cheesy chat up line (I wore my hair very short in those days), but political lesbianism the only explanation I can come up with for Moomin's sexuality see-saw. Moomin sees MMartin snogging Carly at the stall and decides to become a visible ex-lesbian with St Gus in front of MMartin. A nation yawns and tells her to make up her bloody mind.

Dadley keeps getting naughty texts from That Tart. Nurse Tanyah pretends not to hear anything and witters about getting Jason the interior designer to price up the refurbishment of the nailbar. Bradley announces that he has no father. Dadley: sad.

Parklife realises that confidence is the preference of those that pursue Mrs Goggins, and treats her to a picnic in the park. Mrs Goggins doesn't shout, so I think that means she approves. @@@ doesn't though, and says he's too ugly to be her new stepdad. Parklife tries to win @@@ round with her favourite meal and a feminist textbook so that she can look up "tool of the patriarchy" at her leisure. @@@: not impressed.

Moomin discovers that Bradley is sad about being left home alone while JoJo and Davetta party. There must be something in St Gus's saliva because Moomin feels a strangely familiar stirring and suddenly: MOOMIN POWERS ACTIVATE! She persuades Bradley to go and make up with Dadley, and then celebrates by rogering St Gus senseless.

A sultry temptress type is slinking around the market, flicking her tempting locks and asking where the Brannings live. Yes, it's That Tart, who would be called That Scots Tart, but I can't be bothered with that, so we'll call her McTart instead. Dadley finds her slinking around the Vic and tells her that it's ovah. McTart won't take no for an answer. Dadley is about to shout at her some more when Bradley walks in, full of good intentions. Dadley introduces McTart as a client who he is definitely not sleeping with. Bradley blushes pink and says: "yeah right. I have no father...etc"

NotDavid Essex and Aunt Sally turn up to hand Phoney over to the Mitchells in a naked ceremony involving shrieking, curses and invocations to The Horned One. It's another church do then. NotDavid tells Billy that if he doesn't look after Phoney, he'll find out what fox hunting is really like from the sharp end, and NotDavid will string him up by his nipples like Richard Harris in A Man Called Horse. Meanwhile Phoney celebrates her hen night with Aunt Sally and Babs, who tell her that marriage is nothing but a eternal circle of lies, cheating and raising other womens' children. Phoney retires to bed. Hang on, how can she possibly be eight months gone and still able to sleep on her back?

Moomin gets drunk (I dunno, probably some Moominchild-related incident that I missed). Fill tells her that Jaymee is looking down from heaven and shaking his head in sorrow at how low she has fallen. Moomin tells Fill to bugger off and stop ruining her buzz.

Parklife's cars get keyed. Suspicion falls on @@@, but @@@ won't say that she didn't do it. Dasbo decides to Do Something To Help Her. Might as well lock her up now, then.

McTart books an appointment for a home hairspraying and patting session with Nurse Tanyah. I think she has some plan to say: "Oh by the way, I'm sleeping with your husband" while Nurse Tanyah is mixing up the hair colour. Not a good move. Anyway, Bradley manages to stop McTart from telling Nurse Tanyah by turning into Mean Bradley. How odd. My husband can do that Instant Bastard act too. Mean Bradley tells McTart that she's just another in a long line of Dadley's Tarts, and tells her to get out while she still can. Exit McTart. Bradley glowers and blushes prettily. There's some confusion about a watch later, which Bradley returns to Dadley, only to inform him that he can't be bought off like a McTart, and he's still not talking to him, so there. Dadley shrugs.

Billy wakes up on the morning of his wedding in the middle of a SilentNight warehouse, wanders out, dressed in nothing but his West Ham boxers. I reckon the producers are Leyton Orient supporters, what with all this anti-West Ham defamation that goes on in EE. Anyway, there are shenanigans. Billy ends up in jail, then gets released. Fill and AGarry end up in jail after Fill starts a fight with a man in a vest at the police station. AGarry gets told to shut up a lot. Billy meets Minty back in the square, but all he has to wear is a lime green suit of Naomi's, plus an 80s sociology teacher-tastic tie with piano keys on it. Billy and Minty get locked in a bathroom. Fill saves them, but the shower rail's a goner.

Meanwhile, fights have broken out at the church. Phoney breaks them up and the vicar tells them they have to leave to make way for a male voice choir singing Bohemian Rhapsody at the 2 o'clock funeral. Billy and Phoney end up on Loser's Bench, wondering if there is any point to this lightning wedding business. It's a shame about the viewing figures, because this week's EE had some really good bits - mostly written by Sarah Phelps. So, more Sarah Phelps, producers, and less of this sexual swapshop gangster nonsense.

MOOMINDRUNK
Carly and GADawn are planning a holiday to Ibeeffa, which gives me chills at the thought of a Spanish comedy week abroad that I will have to write in Spanglish after last year’s Franglais masterpiece. GADawn is a bit short of cash so she blackmails Ian into giving her work at the caff, Ian promptly turns around and sacks Juley – Juley??? Is he still in it? Juley moans to St Gus that he is stoney broke and pulls a “massive credit card debt” plotline out of his arse. St Gus looks judgemental, yet saintly, at his brothers foibles. Juley gets Fill to give him a job (despite the “boning a teen girl” debacle last time Fill gave Juley a job) but it is a cleaning job and Juley is too proud/stupid to accept it.

Dole Scum Keef is lying in his own filth, staring at the telly and licking the carpet for sustenance. GADawn yells at him to get off his arse and go shopping but he spends all the money on pie filling and tubes of wasabi or something and is mocked by his spawn. If GAD is going to start being mean to Keef all the time then I am all for her. Later on she is kind to Dasbo and promises to look after him. She also ditches her holiday with Carly in order to keep an eye on things at home. Phew – muy felicidad escapeo!! They eventually get DSK out of the house by moving his manky chair to a market stall so he has to sit outside and actually do work – he turns out to have the ”gift of the gab” or whatever. Yeah right.

Chelski’s boss at the restaurant is this new character (new to me anyway. Oops) called Elaine who I think is played by that annoying bint who won “pro celebrity duet singing” and who was v whiney and annoying on it (”Why are you being mean to me just because my singing voice is like a cat being pushed alive into a dualit toaster and I am competing in a singing competition???”) Her card is marked for sure. Anyway, she has the hots for the Parklife and somehow tricks him into going on an imaginary date at the restauarant.

Moomin stumbles into a work with a hangover and has the dry heaves when confronted by some dude with a bloody knee. They have built an entire hospital set and everything. Very fancy. A bitchy nurse keeps hovering round and saying things like “Don’t use a dirty mop to clean someone’s head laceration , Student Nurse Moomin!” Later on she sniffs alcohol on Moomin’s breath and calls her in for a telling off. Moomin whines about her home problems and Bitchy Nurse snaps “We all have problems! You have to be 100% committed!” Um hello thanks – Holby city is thataway. Moomin goes in the next day for a meeting about her crapulosity and decides to steady her nerves by drinking some neat tequila or something. Oh Moominpaws… She ends up being suspended for two weeks. Martin and Poline find out and say she can’t spend time with Chloebecca and is a drunk, a tramp and an unfit mother (not unlike Sue Ellen from Dallas). Moomin goes round to scream at Poline and Chloebecca tells her to shut up and stop being such a mardy cow. Ha ha ha – pwned by your infant child, Moomin!! She locks herself in her house and is mean to Gus when he tries to be nice to her but he is so saintly that he keeps trying and in the end they have a talk and end up snogging. Oh Gus, what have, what have you, have you done to deserve that?

Nurse Tanyah and Dadley decide to hold a housewarming party to get to know people and prove to Bradley that they are nice etc. Bradders and Jim won’t go however. Mrs Goggin’s and her extremely severe bun do go, but then she leaves in a huff when she hears That Bitch Elaine boasting about her date with Parklife. Every one else sits around and acts like idiots. Dadley is boasting to Babs about some fancy hotel where he pursued his adulterous affair and Nurse Tanyah is v pissed off. Dear Nurse Tanyah – I know you feel bad but sleeping with Fill is not the answer for anything ever!! In other news Nurse Tanyah has taken over the salon (and does a business plan actually on a COMPUTER instead of the back of a betting slip like everyone else). I look forward to her taking over from LadyDen as the Square’s chief head sprayer/patter. She cheers up and later manages to actually lure Bradley round for dinner but it is all a big disaster as Dadley doesn’t show up, the girls are bratty and annoying and keep giggling at him (they are pretty believable actually) and in the end Bradley says he never forgave Nurse Tanyah for being a dirty marriage wrecker and stealing Dadley from his mum. He says that Dadley is probably cheating on Nurse Tanyah RIGHT NOW and NT makes a poignant face like a lady in a Roy Lichtenstein picture… Nurse Yanyah tries to trap Dadley in his web of lies but to no avail. Later it turns out that Dadley actually is having an affair. THE SWINE!!!11!

Carly begins to appreciate the true horror of having Poline as her crypto mother in law and dumps Martin.

Smarmy metrosexual WWCTV member flirts with GADawn aka “Mrs Beale” and lets her take out a credit card in Mrs Beale’s name without any proof of ID or anything. This is going to end in tears methinks.

Chelski wants Parklife to go out with her mum and not That Bitch Elaine and so spends all the date being the worst waitress evah and getting in the way all the time. TBElaine sacks her. Doh. Parklife talks That Bitch Elaine into giving her her job back. Un-doh. Mrs Goggins is v grateful but then it turns out that Chelski can only have her job back if she dresses like a clown. I think uou can taker someone to tribunal for that. Despite the clown horror, Parklife and Mrs Goggins end up getting it on, banging a gong. Ha Ha, TB Elaine.

“You’re MY WIFE NOW, Dawn…”

Dadley and Tanya (who was brilliant as Beth in No Angels so will now be called NoAngel, NoAngelsBeth or NABeth or something) move into Tony Bennett’s house. Jim doesn’t like it, not one little bit. Dadley starts introducing himself to the locals and meets Fill, who says, “Hello, my name’s Phil Mitchell and I’ll be sleeping with your wife in about two weeks’ time…” Bradley is still mad about Dadley moving in – his furiously blushing cheeks are like some weird mood indicator or something. (How does he blush on cue like that? Truly, the man is an acting GOD). Anyway, he goes for a shout at Dadley and Dadley tells him that NABeth and the girls are dying to meet him. This pleases Bradley and his mood-indicating cheeks drift back to “mellow”, but then Jim goes and lets it out of the bag that Dadley hasn’t told them after all so Bradley goes round and asks NABeth straight out just as Dadley comes to the door. Ruh Roh!

Unsurprisingly, NABeth isn’t too happy about the LIES and threatens to move out before they’ve even moved in. I’m happy to report that Dadley and NABeth are both excellent actors and there’s a very good scene where Dadley tells NABeth that he doesn’t want to build bridges with Bradders if it means burning them with her. It turns out that the girls’ names are Lauren and Abi, one of whom (Lauren) wears far too much make-up for a 12 year old, so I think we should call her MiniPop. Anyway, MiniPop guilts NABeth into staying because she’s excited to have a long-lost older brother and a long-lost granddad. Dadley: pleased. Later they all meet Moomin when Abi injures herself by practicing the long jump on the concrete (not the sharpest tool in the box then). This gives Jim a chance to ignore them and say that they are Dadley’s kids, not his grandkids. I hope they string this out for a decent length of time rather than wrapping it all up within a week or two. (Are you listening, scriptwriters? Are you bollocks.)

Prison Bitch Bert is still at the Slater’s. Rainman displays previously unsuspected depths of Cunning and lets Bert sleep in so that he can sing “Mac the Knife” at the allotment on his own. (This is every bit as weird as it sounds). Later he locks Bert in shed and leaves him in there overnight! Ha ha! Good. If only he could leave him in there permanently. Or set fire to it. Anyway, Bert also injures his ankle, which makes me laugh unreasonably loudly.

Agarry and Phil have one of their “oh so topical” World Cup conversations about going out on penalties. It’s quite impressive, really, except they edit it in really badly and it looks awful. My mind wanders and I start thinking about how nice it is for Garry and Phil to film their scenes that morning and then see them that night, rather than having to wait three months or whatever it is.

The Bealemeister: Master of Deception. The LIES just keep on coming. In fact, if you had a drinking game where you drank every time the Bealemeister lied to PantoJane you’d be shitfaced within minutes. Anyway, Dawn fleeces Ian for a new dress and then wears a saucy half-dress, half-corset number to impress the Masons while she pretends to be his wife for money. At one point she tells them that Ian is always making her dress up for one reason or another and the Bealemeister makes that hilarious squirmy face he does so well (cf when he caught Janine scrubbing their Sheets of Shame in the laundrette and she called him a pervert). Anyway, Dawn then makes Ian buy her some cheap-looking jewellery in the auction for £150. I’m finally beginning to see the point of Dawn. When they get back, a furious Jane catches Ian handing over the cash, but Dawn lies for Ian, trapping herself in his web of lies once and for all. Meanwhile, the Bealemeister is invited to meet the CCTV committee (as Lee rather amusingly calls them) and Ian suddenly realises that Dawn will now have to pretend to be his wife FOREVAH. He panics though and tells Dawn to “go back to your own world”. Ouch. You know that’s going to come back and bit you on your scrawny ass, Bealemeister.

Over at the House of Dolescum, Keef deliberately fucks up the interview (“I sleep till 12 and can’t read – is that going to be a problem?”) and Rosa decides she’s hads all she can stands and she can’t stands no more, as Popeye used to say. Unfortunately, they’re about to get married so she prepares to suck it up and do the decent thing. Keef tries to make an effort (apart from getting a hair cut, having a wash or trimming his stupid beard) but as he’s on the way to the wedding he spots Genghis rolling around in some shit and decides to join him. I think Keef turning up to his own wedding caked in dogshit might be the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen on EastEnders. Anyway, throughout the wedding, Rosa looks trapped and terrified and finally she bottles it and walks off. Keef doesn’t understand all the fuss – after all, it’s only a bit of shit. What’s the problem?

There are non-comedy shenanigans with Ben sulking and feigning illness because boo hoo, sack racing is too difficult. Phil says he’ll help him practice. Ben has got a lot cheekier in the last few weeks and he makes Phil do it, since he says it’s so easy. Phil, his ears no doubt burning from 15 million “potato in a sack”-type jokes being told simultaneously, does some of the world’s worst sack race acting and falls over, unconvincingly. Ben loves it though and they bond, Mitchell-style.

Back at the Dolescums there’s a Crisis Meeting. Rosa’s hiding out with Babs and Keef is still stewing like a fool. Rosa finally comes back and apologises but tells Keef: “I’ve fallen out of love with you. It’s OVAH!” Ha ha! Sucks to be you, Keef. She also develops a rather shocking cold streak and later tells him, “This is a new life and I just don’t want you in it”, in front of all the kids. Harsh. Still, it’s no more than he deserves. In fact, this storyline fails miserably because it’s impossible to feel even remotely sorry for Keef. (Every time I watch EastEnders I keep hoping there’ll be a number to evict Keef at the end but it never happens). She also makes Keef tell Dasbo he doesn’t want him around, so he’ll go with her for “a better life in the Cotswolds”. Anyway, Rosa is true to her word and fucks off, taking Demi and CBAleesha with her. She’s going to take Dasbo too but he starts crying in the back of Clint’s car and she has a change of heart. (Actually, this bit is really sad – Rosa’s crying was really realistic and Dasbo’s breaking down in tears scene was very well acted. Maybe he deserves to stay after all. Shame we have to lose Demi though. Also, apropos of nothing, I’ve just noticed that the actor playing Clint is called “Huggy Leaver”. Weird.)

Moomin continues to be jealous of Carly bonding with Rebecca. Meanwhile, Carly has the devil’s own job trying to impress Poline, who looks even more orange than usual. Luckily, Michelle phones and tells Poline that Shazza’s had a baby and called it Dennis, thereby setting up yet another Dirty Den storyline in 18 years’ time as well as Shazza’s imminent return. Carly’s very good at making the “listening to Poline” face and there’s amusing moment when Moomin mistakenly thinks Carly’s having Martin’s baby. Carly cements her Poline-bonding skillz by mastering mobile photo technology and sending pictures to Michelle for her. Moomin tries to join in but Poline makes hacky face and says the battery is dead. Moomin: sad. There’s some nonsense about Moomin not signing the divorce papers and Carly confronts Moomin about it (hang on – surely it was only last week she said the relationship wasn’t serious?). Anyway, Moomin seeks comfort in MYGus (they shag next week, apparently) and signs the papers. She then plans a night away with Rebecca but Rebecca says she’d rather hang out with Martin and Carly, thankyouverymuch. She then asks Carly to be her mummy for the sports day race in front of Moomin. Moomin: sad again. (This is all so she’ll go into Moomin Meltdown and hit the bottle in entirely plausible fashion next week). Oh, there’s also an amusing bit where Carly tries to talk Martin into a dirty weekend, so that Sonia can be with Rebecca and the Bealemeister overhears and says, “A dirty weekend in Brighton? I would!” Yeah, alright, Bealemeister, no-one’s asking you. I wonder how long it’ll be before he’s paying Dawn to let him “call the shots” in ze bedroom?

WHO’S THE DADLEY?
I missed the very beginning on Monday – stupid football/schedulers etc – but it appears that after last week’s shenans with JoJo Ma, JoJo has let Bradley pillage her loins for the very first time. She is skipping around all happy and in love and Bradley (who seems to be getting the hang of this acting lark) is happy too and mentions to Jim that he has scored (as who would not wish to discuss all their sexual experiences with elderly relatives?) Of course, Jim tells the whole pub. JoJo/Bradley are teased for being a slag/stud respectively and JoJo shouts at Bradley and Bradley shouts at Jim and says that he is a rubbish grandfather. Jim is sad and they bond etc and talk about Jim relationship with his son (Bradley’s dad) whom they have never mentioned before and who just happens to be joining the show later on – what are the chances etc.

Meanwhile there are loads of shoe-horned in scenes where random people say things like “did you see the football last night – we beat Ecuador 1-0 you know!” How topical

Next day, Bradley and JoJo are canoodling in bed. JoJo says she loves Bradley and then is annoyed that he doesn’t say it back. “What is love anyway?” asks Bradley, quoting the wise words of Howard Jones, and they make up and decide to spend the day together and bunk off work. Meanwhile a mystery stranger who looks a bit like Dr Romano off ER appears, takes his crappy car to the garage (how many plots begin with people’s cars breaking down in Walford?) and flirts with Carly about his big end or something repulsive. Of course it turns out to be Jim’s son/Bradley’s dad – he goes and whines to Poline (who is cleaning Jim’s house for when Dot gets back) about how Jim used to play mean tricks on him with Rich Tea biscuits when he was a kid. Dude, get over it. You’re a grown up now and can buy yourself whatever biscuits you like. Jim appears and they bicker, then Bradley appears and they bicker some more. It turns out that Dadley was thrown out 13 yrs ago for cheating on his missis and that Bradley has never seen him since, but now Dadley wants to get to know him etc. He now has a new wife and family and is in trouble with his new missis for cheating on her too. Bradley says he’ll think about it. Dadley goes to get his car and is flirting with Carly some more when his wife appears (who looks a bit like Dr Susan Lewis off ER – spooky!) to tell him off. Dadley begs for forgiveness and suggests they make a new start from his philandering ways – in Walford!!! They look around Tony Bennet’s old house and have a boring argument about infidelity etc – they are both alright actors but no-one cares about the characters yet so shut up. Tanya (the wife) has a look round Walford (ie sticks her head round the door of the pub) and decides she wouldn’t mind living there. It appears that Dadley hasn’t told Tanyah about his ENTIRE OTHER FAMILY LIVING ACROSS THE ROAD – that’s going to work out well then.

Davetta is a bit jealous of JoJo/Bradley and then gets all hot and bothered when she spots Lee canoodling in the club with some random bint. Perhaps someone needs a trip to Anne Summers to buy a “marital aid”? She falls out with JoJo about J using Tony Bennett’s old house as a shag pad but then they make up again leaving JoJo free to hold filthy james bond “theme nights” for Bradley.

Parklife is worried about telling Mrs Goggins that he had a spat with {insert baddy nickname here}. He confides in Dolescum Keef (WHY???) and they argue about whether it is best to be honest/skeazy. Parklife votes for honesty and confesses to the handbags at dawn incident - but then Mrs G shouts that she never wants to see him ever again, as she is wont to do EVERY SINGLE EPISODE. Meanwhile Rosa goes off to the “high street” and reappears with a wedding dress she brought from the Sue Ryder Charity Shop and the news that she has booked a registry office wedding for next week. He decides that he ought to make a bit of an effort and buys some delicious asti spumante to celebrate but then Rosa pulls a job interview for a live-in cleaning/care takery job out of her arse as well. Keef and Dasbo don’t want to move to Norfolk (and I can’t say I blame them). I wonder what hateful hilarious schemes they will come up with to thwart Rosa again.

Agarry is still being a jealous loon re Minty/SJ. After listening to him being sour for hours, they ditch him at the Vic when his back is turned and then AGarry tries the stupid ultimatum approach – saying Minty has to choose to go to Germany with either him or SJ. Minty obv chooses the hot blonde (SJ – not Agarry) but then SJ stands him up anyway.

Ian is still being a dick re the Walford Odd Fellows Society. He keeps going to meetings and sucking up to the two main WOFS members who have been given like a name and lines and stuff – one is a smarmy young metrosexual type bloke and the other one is a mad beardy feller who reminds me a bit of Former Home Secretary Charles Clark. Beardy keeps whittering on about how you have to privileged and special to join the WTF society and also that you need to have a wife who will make pots of jam and be your slave etc. Ian keeps buying him drinks and sucking up to him so Beardy lets Ian offer to help run a charity auction with Jane helping – it turns out to fall on Parent/Teacher night (“Mr Beale – did you realise that Lucy is followed round by demonic crows that do her every bidding? She’s improving at geography though”) so Ian decides to pay cash money to GADawn to be his fake wife instead. I don’t need no good advice to realise that that is all going to end in tears.

SHOULD I STAY OR SHOULD I JOJO
The hitherto unknown Walford Masonic Lodge and Benevolent Fund has set Ian a task to prove that he is worthy of joining the ranks of the lower middle classes. He must stage a World Cup party for the kiddies of Walford, complete with killer bouncy castle and buxom Swedish blondes serving meatballs for that cosmopolitan touch. Only the Swedish blondes are banned by the Evil Home Office, so it's up to Carly and GADawn to don the horned helmets for huge sums of money. Ian also pays Bradley to dress up as a Paraguayan, but even Bradders realises that there aren't that many ginger Paraguayans around and bribes Jim with a bottle of tequila and a poncho to take his place. Poor old Panto Jane ends up prancing around in a giant lion costume. It's all a big success. The head of the Walford Masonic etc appears to be iconic pop artist and Ruralist painter Peter Blake, complete with unconvincing South Armagh accent. Peter witters on about social cohesion and thinking outside the box. He asks Ian if the giant lion in a dress, scaring small children is Ian's wife. Ian apologises and says that she won't be around long. None of his wives are, after all, but Peter says that a Mason needs a wife who is going to get "stuck in". Well, Grant would know all about that, eh? eh?

There is a classic comedy moment when Ian whispers sweet nothings about calling the shots into the lion's ear, only to discover that PJane has swapped places with Fill. Fill blushes (I think) and says he never puts out on a first date.

Parklife's triangle of tedium continues while Mrs Goggins blows cold and freezing. Eventually he gets a snog, but then Owen (please see blogpoll opposite for possible nicknames) turns up and upsets Chelski. Then he upsets Parklife. And @@@ reckons her parents are going to get back together. She also reckons that Mrs G will let her go and visit her nan on the Costa Del BlueRinse. Owen does his best to get us to see past the shifty 80s hair and find the hero inside himself. It almost works until he confronts Parklife in the car lot, intimating that Parklife may be intimidated by the naughty pigeons, and therefore not good enough for Mrs Goggins. He throws something and Parklife throws him roughly to the floor or something. Anyway. They're not friends.

Incidentally, there was much mention of the first Mrs Parklife who, in the best soap tradition, "ran off". So we can expect a tearful Parklife family reunion around August, I reckon.

Minty and SJ (Sara Jane, apparently) get closer until SJ reveals that she stole stuff off an old boyfriend. Yeah? My ex took my guitar, sold my books and kept the money, the bastard... Anyway Minty isn't so sure, but can't bear the thought of being stuck in of an evening listening to AGarry's latest barrel of misogyny. So what does he do? Suggest that AGarry gets a hobby or joins and evening class? Arrange to spend Manly Man time with his best mate? Of course not! He goes and buys an overchromed Vespa (Parklife is allowed a Quadrophenia moment) and says he's driving to Berlin with SJ on the pillion. AGarry: sad. And confused. Sooo confused.

JoJo doesn't want Bradley to know about JoJo Ma, so tries to make out that she's not interested any more. Bradley arranges romantic evening in with her favourite slasher movie, and tries to prove how hard he is by letting her sucker punch him. When he gets his breath back, JoJo says she's still not going to talk about her mum. Bradley says they might as well finish if she's not going to let him in (metaphorically speaking, all that other stuff comes next week). JoJo says if he doesn't like it, then he's dumped. Bradley points out that he dumped her first. JoJo: sad.

But soon JoJo is sad no more. Bradley weasels JoJo Ma's address out of Big Mo, and turns up just as JoJo is trying to unblock the sink or something. JoJo Ma goes all fluttery and daft. JoJo sends her out for more pills while she rips Bradley's throat out. Then Bradley tells her that he loves her. JoJo melts, and Bradley deals quite well with JoJo Ma. Hurrah! Bradley 4 JoJo 4evah!

Over at the Dolescums, I think Jake, Gus and Juley have thrown Keef out of the plot cupboard, because here he is, still moaning about the wedding that will never be. Babs gives Rosa a makeover that involves curling her hair a bit and putting on mascara. Keef pretends not to notice. Rosa gets desperate and tries to seduce him wearing nothing more than an England shirt. Keef feels one of his sick headaches coming on, and points out that Aaron Lennon would probably like his shirt back. She should have got a no. 10 shirt. Rosie: frustrated.

OOH AH JUST A SQUIGGLE BIT
Apologies for the shoddy service of late – work has calmed down and hopefully when the world cup finishes I will actually get round to watching EE again!

Denise is all discombobulated after receiving mystery flowers and I correctly guess that she is worried about a stalkeriffic SHADOW FROM THE PAST!!! It turns out that @@@’s (I refuse to call her Squiggle) deadbeat dad Owen has reappeared and is looking to make contact with the family again. Owen is really familiar but I can’t think what I have seen him in before. Oh well. Owen is all “I just want to see my daughter” but Denise is all “no! never!” Ohnowen says he isn’t a drunk any more and just wants fatherly justice and contact rights etc. Give it three weeks and he will be chained to the railway bridge in a spiderman outfit. Denise tries to hide in the house with @@@ but @@@ gets bored and runs away! Gasp! But then nothing happens! Not gasp! Parklife is wrapped up in all this too and gets sick of Denise shouting/hiding/disappearing etc. Why don’t you go and feed the pigeons, Parklife, I understand that that gives you an enormous sense of well being.

It is Moomingran’s funeral. Martin insists that they let Moomin come so she can use her powers to stop Chloebecca crying and making a fuss etc. Chloebecca then wants to ride in the car with Moomin and Poline makes sour faces – as obviously at Chloebecca’s gran’s funeral it is Poline’s feelings that are paramount. Bitch. Moomin thinks she is getting on fine with Martin but then sees him snogging Carly. Moomin is sad. It is obv totally unreasonable for Martin to start going out with a fit blonde bird after she told him their marriage was ovah and dumped him for another woman.

Ian has a midlife crisis or something and offers to join a charitable …um charity thing and cater a world cup dinner fundraising malarkey for free. Jane is like “thanks bitch, I’m going to have peel all the potatoes for this thing aren’t I? As well as looking after your satanic brood and putting up with your unsavoury sexual demands.” She moans to Pat but insists that she still lurves Ian. Yes, but do you love him as much as GRANT’S COCK? eh?? eh???

Meanwhile, world cup fever sweeps the square!! ie Trini-dad puts up an eponymous flag. No mention that England is basically outplayed for 80 mins by a couple of Sandals resorts however. (yes, I stole that joke from the grauniad…)

There is some nonsense about Bert annoying Charlie and Bradley that need not unduly detain us.

Oh great, La famille Dole Scum have reappeared from the plot cupboard. It’ll need a good airing out after having Keef in it for 6 weeks. He is moaning about the wedding and finds out from Phoney that a wedding license only lasts for one year. Keef has a cunning plan…

Minty meets an attractive Australian woman who has got lost on the way to the nearest branch of Walkabout. He changes her tire and they get on well. Isn’t that nice. Her name is SJ so thanks a lot to the EE writers for giving her a name that is easy to type.

Bradley wants Jojo to meet a mate of his from work (there is no picture of said “mate” on the BBC website so I can’t scan him with my gaydar sadly, but I bet they are more than just mates if you know what I’m saying and I think you do) at Scarlett’s but the day he picks turns out to be a stripper night. Good one, you muppet. Jo Jo doesn’t want to go and then storms out in disgust at such blatant displays of patriarchal objectification etc. The stripper turns out to be Minty’s ozzie blonde foxtress SJ (stands for “Sheila Jylene” methinks). Minty says she can stay at his flat and Garry goes into a jealous rage, esp after SJ makes friends with Naomi too. He thinks that SJ is a common tart who is no better than she ought to be. I thought that was Garry’s type to a tee but never mind.

JoJo hears that Jo-Jo Ma has been released to the care of the community (as that worked out so well last time round) and is going to move to a new flat. She wants to go and move in with her and look after her. No!!! Jo Jo can’t leave!! She’s the best one. Oh she doesn’t go. That’s alright then.

DEADBEATS ON PARADE
OK, what excuse can I offer for the slackness of the past couple of weeks? Well, on my part it’s down to a rather funky little Hammond organ quartet called Horizon 22 suddenly getting a run of gigs, which meant that Mr P had to jet off to the exotic climes of Nunhead and Rome (yes, that Rome) and play his guitar to adoring ladies while I did the jazz wifey thing. And then there’s the question of a small child not wanting to go to bed while it is still light outside. And the cat ate my laptop and I had to shout at Thames Water a lot about our domestic water pressure being worse than a Saharan standpipe.

Mark had lots of work on and his boyfriend made him go to a Guns ‘n’ Roses gig. The doctor says he’ll be alright as long as he never sees a poodle again..

So, here’s a very VERY short summary of everything that has happened on EE in the past couple of weeks, cribbed shoddily from the BBC site because you don’t think I’ve had any time to watch TV, do you? (Pete2Win!)

Week ending 2 June
Senora Grunt is a sultry siren. Courtney hates her. Pjane tries very hard not to hate Senora, but ends up telling Pat everything. Well, that’s torn it. She spends the next three weeks letting Ian call the shots, then jabbing herself with fruit knives and mumbling “I love Ian. I love Ian. I love Ian” whenever she sees Grunt raise an eyebrow.

Moomin wants to get back with Naomi, but Naomi wants her to cut out the weird breeder nonsense. Moomin doesn’t. Naomi chucks her out. Moomin moves back to the Branning’s tardis. AdoptoGran dies. Mmartin and Carly start getting cosy. Moomin does a really awful drunk act. Moominchild now lives with the Fowlers. Mmartin does quite a good job of the dad thing, but Poline keeps butting in with her old fashioned attitudes about regular bedtimes and no sweeties and stuff.

Poline dumps Straight Pike because the loft conversion is rubbish. Bert dumps Straight Pike for choosing Poline over him. Poor Straight Pike! All he has left are his Mr Benn residuals and a spell in the plot cupboard.

Phoney and Billy get married. Oh, no they don’t. Phoney has a fainting fit which is something to do with her having acute food poisoning (eh?? And she’s not in hospital, being pregnant and all?). Anyway, the party in MacArfur Park goes ahead anyway, and they get funky with Obladih Obladah – possibly the Worst. Beatles. Song. Ever. No, not possibly. It is the Worst. Beatles. Song. Ever.

Mrs Goggins thinks Parklife is a perv. The kids conduct a harassment campaign until Dasbo admits that he put the naughty pic of Chelski on Parklife’s PC.

There was some stuff about Davetta fancying Grunt, but I think we’ll just pass on that one.

Week ending 9 June
Apparently the Grunts are off to Portugal…isn’t he banned from there too for Crimes Against MiniFill? Or am I getting confused?

If Poline has chucked Straight Pike, what is he still doing there? More Moominchild nonsense. I think it’s about letting Moominchild go to the funeral. Moomin whines a lot. Mmartin furrows his brow. Moomin wants to tell the Moominchild that one day she too will have an arse like hers. Oh yeah, like the poor girl hasn’t been through enough…

AGarry and Minty are back! Hurrah! Oh, it’s some stupid World Cup Competition nonsense that sets their marriage sorry friendship on edge.

Chelski gets a waitressing job in the posh restaurant. Senora Grunt finds out about Grunt and Chelski and gets irate. Grunt admits there was someone else, Senora Grunt stalks off, bumps into her Brazilian lover (blimey, is there anybody left in Rio? Anyway, this bloke makes Fill look a bit safe. She knows how to pick ‘em, does Senora Grunt). Apparently Senora stole Ray’s money and now he wants it back. Grunt says he’ll help her get rid of Ray and we get a sneaky over-the-shoulder smile from Temptress Senora…There’s a Confrontation between Grunt and Ray. They compare notes and discover that Senora has fooled them both. Grant dumps her, phones PJ to say goodbye, and heads off for Portugal. Buh bye Grunt. How we will not miss your. Strange. Intonation. And Priapic. Raised. Eyebrow. Buh Bye Courtney…we think you’ve got potential…

Parklife and Mrs Goggins have some contrived date situation which involves Chelski’s manager who is that one that one the celebrity duets show, and Parklife reckons he’s on a promise until they get home and there’s a delivery of flowers, which sends Mrs G off on one. Parklife exits, pursued by flying crockery.

SAMBA PARA DRIPPY
Not-so Gentle Ben wets the bed because he’s apparently wracked with guilt over Drippy’s imminent departure because Kaffee is watching from Footballers’ Wives Heaven and shaking her finger at him. Nah mate, she’s too busy downing vodka and mourning Marcus Tandy. Courtney is bratty again, and says that nobody cares about her mother dying, or that Ben’s a girly bedwetter. Ben finally admits to Drippy that it was all his fault. Drippy thinks again about leaving Walford with Dr Not-As-Cute-As-Mark-Thinks-He-Is. Fill tries to threaten Drippy into keeping quiet about his psycho son, but Drippy says: “Or what, Fatty? I’ve gone to jail for hurting harder men than you, sunshine, so back off!” She doesn’t tell the police anyway because she doesn’t want Ben going the way of his father.

Dr Not-That-Cute and Drippy don’t get back together, and then they nearly do, and then they don’t, and the family all shout: “He’s a DOCTOR! What are you waiting for?” Dr NTC confesses his love and they’re all set to move to Leeds together, but the usual last minute complications mean that JoJo sees GADawn kissing the doctor in a totally platonic way and gets the wrong idea. Drippy clobbers the doctor in the street and it’s all off again. And there’s something about a job running a tea room in Devon. Drippy decides that it’s time to stop being drippy and stand on her own two feet in a place where it doesn’t rain 364 days out of 365, so off she goes to Devon. Buh-bye Drippy and Cute Baby Freddie. Mind the yokels, now.

Beano gets into trouble with Chelski’s little sister, whose name appears to be Squiggle. What, is her mum a fan of middle period Prince or something? Maybe Squiggle has “Slave” written in biro on her hand. There are DIY non-comedy shenanigans, but Beano obtains Chelski’s phone number and Parklife gets to banter with Mrs Goggins again.

PJane’s hair looks quite nice, and I like her lippy too. Grunt calls her and asks her to get something from the Vic for him, but Fill catches her and threatens to spill all to the Bealemeister if she doesn’t confess to Grunt’s whereabouts. Jane says; “Go ahead, and you’ll never see your psycho son again…” Anyway, they meet up and Grunt says that he got into trouble for attacking Senora Grunt’s Brazilian lover, which makes him a wanted man in two continents, doesn’t it? Oh well, Grunt returns anyway, and Courtney is happy. PJane gets twitchier. Senora Grunt returns and surprises Grunt in the bar. A nation gasps. She isn’t blonde or built like a small brick outhouse. What can Grunt see in her?

Moomin and Naomi split up. Good on yer Naomi. More whining about the Moominchild. Poline looks evil. Moomin remembers that Man Sex wasn’t all that bad after all, but then discovers MMartin and Carly at it like knives in Arfur’s Shed. What is it about that shed that excites such passions? Moomin: sad.

EASTIES (NOT VERY)UP(TO)DATE
Aargh, sorry this is so late. I’ve been hella busy at work/in the evenings and have just not had time to do this. Here’s a quick run through of the week’s “action” though

* Jim and Dot have a juvenile argument about housework (Dot is right tho) and Bradley makes Jim stop being a dick and wash up or something. Then Jim gets a phone call that NarstyNick has cancer and has moral dilemmas re whether to tell Dot about it. He decides not to but then Jojo finds out and tells her instead. Dot is cross and stomps off to visit Nick. Jim tags along at the last minute. Pls god don’t bring nick back. His acting was terrible last time.

* Poline is sour about something (you can’t really go wrong writing that every week…)

* Fit Doctor has had a job offer in Leeds. Ohs Noes – what is Drippy to do?

* Parklife flirts with Chelski’s mum about Jean de Florette. Wow, EE writers – you really have your finger on the pulse of French cinema, reeling out a film that is like 20 years old. I do not mind the new Famille Chelsea as it happens.

* Moomin, Naomi and Mmartin have yet more pointless drama that saps me of the will to live.

* Grant has a bad day and runs away in Fill’s fancy motor, the big wuss. Courtney is a brat and Babs rolls her eyes a lot. Ben is all moany and gimpy but then he confesses to Fill that actually he did batter Cute Baby Freddy! Gasp!