DEADBEATS ON PARADE
OK, what excuse can I offer for the slackness of the past couple of weeks? Well, on my part it’s down to a rather funky little Hammond organ quartet called Horizon 22 suddenly getting a run of gigs, which meant that Mr P had to jet off to the exotic climes of Nunhead and Rome (yes, that Rome) and play his guitar to adoring ladies while I did the jazz wifey thing. And then there’s the question of a small child not wanting to go to bed while it is still light outside. And the cat ate my laptop and I had to shout at Thames Water a lot about our domestic water pressure being worse than a Saharan standpipe.

Mark had lots of work on and his boyfriend made him go to a Guns ‘n’ Roses gig. The doctor says he’ll be alright as long as he never sees a poodle again..

So, here’s a very VERY short summary of everything that has happened on EE in the past couple of weeks, cribbed shoddily from the BBC site because you don’t think I’ve had any time to watch TV, do you? (Pete2Win!)

Week ending 2 June
Senora Grunt is a sultry siren. Courtney hates her. Pjane tries very hard not to hate Senora, but ends up telling Pat everything. Well, that’s torn it. She spends the next three weeks letting Ian call the shots, then jabbing herself with fruit knives and mumbling “I love Ian. I love Ian. I love Ian” whenever she sees Grunt raise an eyebrow.

Moomin wants to get back with Naomi, but Naomi wants her to cut out the weird breeder nonsense. Moomin doesn’t. Naomi chucks her out. Moomin moves back to the Branning’s tardis. AdoptoGran dies. Mmartin and Carly start getting cosy. Moomin does a really awful drunk act. Moominchild now lives with the Fowlers. Mmartin does quite a good job of the dad thing, but Poline keeps butting in with her old fashioned attitudes about regular bedtimes and no sweeties and stuff.

Poline dumps Straight Pike because the loft conversion is rubbish. Bert dumps Straight Pike for choosing Poline over him. Poor Straight Pike! All he has left are his Mr Benn residuals and a spell in the plot cupboard.

Phoney and Billy get married. Oh, no they don’t. Phoney has a fainting fit which is something to do with her having acute food poisoning (eh?? And she’s not in hospital, being pregnant and all?). Anyway, the party in MacArfur Park goes ahead anyway, and they get funky with Obladih Obladah – possibly the Worst. Beatles. Song. Ever. No, not possibly. It is the Worst. Beatles. Song. Ever.

Mrs Goggins thinks Parklife is a perv. The kids conduct a harassment campaign until Dasbo admits that he put the naughty pic of Chelski on Parklife’s PC.

There was some stuff about Davetta fancying Grunt, but I think we’ll just pass on that one.

Week ending 9 June
Apparently the Grunts are off to Portugal…isn’t he banned from there too for Crimes Against MiniFill? Or am I getting confused?

If Poline has chucked Straight Pike, what is he still doing there? More Moominchild nonsense. I think it’s about letting Moominchild go to the funeral. Moomin whines a lot. Mmartin furrows his brow. Moomin wants to tell the Moominchild that one day she too will have an arse like hers. Oh yeah, like the poor girl hasn’t been through enough…

AGarry and Minty are back! Hurrah! Oh, it’s some stupid World Cup Competition nonsense that sets their marriage sorry friendship on edge.

Chelski gets a waitressing job in the posh restaurant. Senora Grunt finds out about Grunt and Chelski and gets irate. Grunt admits there was someone else, Senora Grunt stalks off, bumps into her Brazilian lover (blimey, is there anybody left in Rio? Anyway, this bloke makes Fill look a bit safe. She knows how to pick ‘em, does Senora Grunt). Apparently Senora stole Ray’s money and now he wants it back. Grunt says he’ll help her get rid of Ray and we get a sneaky over-the-shoulder smile from Temptress Senora…There’s a Confrontation between Grunt and Ray. They compare notes and discover that Senora has fooled them both. Grant dumps her, phones PJ to say goodbye, and heads off for Portugal. Buh bye Grunt. How we will not miss your. Strange. Intonation. And Priapic. Raised. Eyebrow. Buh Bye Courtney…we think you’ve got potential…

Parklife and Mrs Goggins have some contrived date situation which involves Chelski’s manager who is that one that one the celebrity duets show, and Parklife reckons he’s on a promise until they get home and there’s a delivery of flowers, which sends Mrs G off on one. Parklife exits, pursued by flying crockery.

SAMBA PARA DRIPPY
Not-so Gentle Ben wets the bed because he’s apparently wracked with guilt over Drippy’s imminent departure because Kaffee is watching from Footballers’ Wives Heaven and shaking her finger at him. Nah mate, she’s too busy downing vodka and mourning Marcus Tandy. Courtney is bratty again, and says that nobody cares about her mother dying, or that Ben’s a girly bedwetter. Ben finally admits to Drippy that it was all his fault. Drippy thinks again about leaving Walford with Dr Not-As-Cute-As-Mark-Thinks-He-Is. Fill tries to threaten Drippy into keeping quiet about his psycho son, but Drippy says: “Or what, Fatty? I’ve gone to jail for hurting harder men than you, sunshine, so back off!” She doesn’t tell the police anyway because she doesn’t want Ben going the way of his father.

Dr Not-That-Cute and Drippy don’t get back together, and then they nearly do, and then they don’t, and the family all shout: “He’s a DOCTOR! What are you waiting for?” Dr NTC confesses his love and they’re all set to move to Leeds together, but the usual last minute complications mean that JoJo sees GADawn kissing the doctor in a totally platonic way and gets the wrong idea. Drippy clobbers the doctor in the street and it’s all off again. And there’s something about a job running a tea room in Devon. Drippy decides that it’s time to stop being drippy and stand on her own two feet in a place where it doesn’t rain 364 days out of 365, so off she goes to Devon. Buh-bye Drippy and Cute Baby Freddie. Mind the yokels, now.

Beano gets into trouble with Chelski’s little sister, whose name appears to be Squiggle. What, is her mum a fan of middle period Prince or something? Maybe Squiggle has “Slave” written in biro on her hand. There are DIY non-comedy shenanigans, but Beano obtains Chelski’s phone number and Parklife gets to banter with Mrs Goggins again.

PJane’s hair looks quite nice, and I like her lippy too. Grunt calls her and asks her to get something from the Vic for him, but Fill catches her and threatens to spill all to the Bealemeister if she doesn’t confess to Grunt’s whereabouts. Jane says; “Go ahead, and you’ll never see your psycho son again…” Anyway, they meet up and Grunt says that he got into trouble for attacking Senora Grunt’s Brazilian lover, which makes him a wanted man in two continents, doesn’t it? Oh well, Grunt returns anyway, and Courtney is happy. PJane gets twitchier. Senora Grunt returns and surprises Grunt in the bar. A nation gasps. She isn’t blonde or built like a small brick outhouse. What can Grunt see in her?

Moomin and Naomi split up. Good on yer Naomi. More whining about the Moominchild. Poline looks evil. Moomin remembers that Man Sex wasn’t all that bad after all, but then discovers MMartin and Carly at it like knives in Arfur’s Shed. What is it about that shed that excites such passions? Moomin: sad.

EASTIES (NOT VERY)UP(TO)DATE
Aargh, sorry this is so late. I’ve been hella busy at work/in the evenings and have just not had time to do this. Here’s a quick run through of the week’s “action” though

* Jim and Dot have a juvenile argument about housework (Dot is right tho) and Bradley makes Jim stop being a dick and wash up or something. Then Jim gets a phone call that NarstyNick has cancer and has moral dilemmas re whether to tell Dot about it. He decides not to but then Jojo finds out and tells her instead. Dot is cross and stomps off to visit Nick. Jim tags along at the last minute. Pls god don’t bring nick back. His acting was terrible last time.

* Poline is sour about something (you can’t really go wrong writing that every week…)

* Fit Doctor has had a job offer in Leeds. Ohs Noes – what is Drippy to do?

* Parklife flirts with Chelski’s mum about Jean de Florette. Wow, EE writers – you really have your finger on the pulse of French cinema, reeling out a film that is like 20 years old. I do not mind the new Famille Chelsea as it happens.

* Moomin, Naomi and Mmartin have yet more pointless drama that saps me of the will to live.

* Grant has a bad day and runs away in Fill’s fancy motor, the big wuss. Courtney is a brat and Babs rolls her eyes a lot. Ben is all moany and gimpy but then he confesses to Fill that actually he did batter Cute Baby Freddy! Gasp!

MOOMIN DOESN'T LIVE HERE ANY MORE
It would be too depressing to start with Moomin, so I'll start with Parklife instead. The Wickspawn decide that their father has to find a woman instead of moping about, cooking lasagne for Pat and watching Alien³. I agree, despite the presence of the late, great Brian Glover and at least one McGann brother, it is a pisspoor sequel to the asskicking firefest that is Alien 2. And there's no cat in it either.

Oh...right...that's not the point. Beano and Wotserface want their dad to get laid. So, they show him some dating websites via some bloke's 'borrowed' ThinkPad. Excuse me, but considering there are fewer than three computers in the square (and I do include the 286 at the Dolescums), how come everybody seems to have free wireless broadband access that allows even the computerless to tap into the Interweb? Parklife would do quite well on an internet dating site: he's solvent, sane and has all his own teeth, all rare commodities in Internet Dating For the Over 50s, according to my dad. Anyway, Parklife is more interested in getting DVDs than dates, so another of Beano's genius schemes backfires.

Billy gets the video shop back, and the flat upstairs. No, I'm not sure how he did it either. Phoney is initially nervous about catching Drippy-ness from drinking out of Drippy's old mug, but Billy does a 'makeover' that would put Lawrence Llewellyn-Bowen to shame, and she decides that it's OK after all.

Over at the caff, Jane's trying to ignore Grunt's semi-flirtatious chats, but finds it increasingly difficult when Ian acts like a complete dick in front of him. Chelski mopes, but when Billy sacks her from the vid shop for being useless, Grunt wangles her a job at the caff so that she can mope about and make PJane jealous. PJane says she's not going to play Grunt's games, and then somehow they end up in the usual EE producers' shorthand for Illicit And Wrong Sex, in a Postman Always Rings Twice (rubbish remake)-style clinch on the kitchen table. Only DC Peter's forgotten PE kit saves PJane from Wrongness just before Grunt gets his trousers off. Grunt spouts some stuff about PJane being the only woman for him because she doesn't take any crap off him. They've only known each other five minutes. Anyway, PJ says it's all Wicked And Wrong, and she's not doing it any more. Grunt does that eyebrow smirky "You love it really" thing and throws some crockery around because PJane's refusal makes him go "Grrr! SMASH!". He doesn't Grrr Smash as prettily as Denman though...

Chelski's mum works in the hitherto unvisited Post Office. In honour of my daughter's current obsession with all thing Postman Pat, I shall name her Mrs Goggins. Mrs Goggins finds out about Chelski and Grant and, in a non-comedy mixup moment, mistakes Parklife for Grunt in the pub and has a go in front of Babs. She and Parklife have further altercations about one thing and another, and Parklife doesn't know whether to smack her one or kiss her...etc. I think we can see where this is leading.

Oh, I can't avoid it any longer. Moomin mopes and regrets that Moominchild will never get to watch The Wizard of Oz - thank God for that, it's the scariest film evah. Naomi gets her to be honest with AdoptoGran, so she visits AdoptoGran, who questions her on how Moominchild will be cared for if Moomin and Martin have split. Moomin tries to explain that the nuclear family is a bit of an outdated concept in these post-feminist times, and that she has plenty of support from her...ummm...girlfriend. AdoptoGran shivers and reckons that Moomin has the poor kid measured up for a pair of dungarees already. Moomin loses her chance and goes home to bewail the lot of the lesbian mother. As somebody on GU said far more eloquently than I can: "How very Julie Burchill- one week of plating and she's Radclyffe fucking Hall.."

NB: I have absolutely no idea what plating is, and I think I want it to stay that way.

Anyway, you know things are bad when MMartin is the voice of sanity and reason. MMartin arranges for Moominchild to come and stay with him and Poline on a trial basis. Poline crows triumphantly at Moomin (who runs off to snivel and blame poor Naomi again). Naomi dumps Moomin. MMartin has a change of heart and offers Moomin some quality time with Mchild at the Swings of Contemplation. Naomi apologises and wants to get back together, but Moomin is all: "Yeah, great! Love you too. Gotta go. Bye!" After a very tense tea in which Moominchild tries to break the ice by painting a cross tabby cat face on Poline, MMartin takes Moomin aside and tells her that he wants to make a fresh start with her. Moomin's little face shines at the thought of a threesome, but all MMartin wants is a divorce. Ruh, and indeed Roh.

Ooops, nearly forgot. Baby Freddie is on the mend but Drippy can't be alone with him in case she smothers him with one of those overstuffed NHS pillows or something. Drippy mopes. There's another fight with Babs when she tries to go back to work, and Ben keeps bumping into assorted Slaters trying to get the truth out of him. Fill and Grunt go "grr..." a lot. Fit Doctor agonises about doing his medical duty, but then the paediatrician discovers that Freddie's platelet count was down on the day of the alleged assault, which means that he could have got this from a scraped knee or something. Does that mean he's haemophiliac then? Anyway Drippy's in the clear, but Babs still reckons she's a child-battering headcase who should be kept away from Ben. Drippy: wetter than Rockall.

And There's bowling shenanigans in which Ian acts like a dick (again), and Fill and Ben bond some more. Ben calls Fill "Dad" by mistake. Ian smirks soppily. Save me from this drivel.

DOCTOR DOCTOR, CAN'T YOU SEE I'M GURNING GURNING
I’ll try and cover the last two weeks but what with Sarah’s family emergency and me being on holiday, it will be a bit shit I’m afraid.

It is the anniversary of Parklife’s son’s death, which gives all the Wickseses (apart from Pat) an excuse to act up and be super annoying. SO sad that I missed that particular “story” “line”. In other news, someone says that Carly is not a proper bird because she works in a garage (*sigh*) so she has a strop and dresses up all nice for the opening of Scarlett’s, but then it turns out she is wearing the same dress as GADawn and has another strop, but then they both make fun of Agarry and spray him with soda (from siphons? They haven’t had those in bars for years, its all out of a gun now..) and bond and make friends.

Ben is bullied at school. More dithering around with Ben/Ian/Fill etc etc.

Lee opens Scarletts. Davetta doesn’t want to go but then she does and has some sort of bratty fit about her evil crim dad or something.

Billy and Phoney don’t like living with Yolande and TriniDad so Billy applies for a mortgage and is sent packing with peals of hysterical laughter ringing in his ears. He wants to move back into the flat over the video shop – yes, the entire shop has reappeared out of the plot cupboard and brought a new cast member with it! A foxyish young lady with the unfortunate porn star/drag queen name of Chelsea. Chelsea is doomed to be a pawn in Grant’s evil love shenanigans. Poor Chelsea.

Speaking of which – Jane and Grant get it on at the club opening and spend a few episodes sniffing round each other, with Jane saying “oh no I mustn’t” before Ian does something dickish and she succumbs to Grants manly, um - whatever it is he has that makes the writers think he is irresistible to the laydees - and shags him again. Fill walks in on them canoodling, but doesn’t tell anyone and in the end Jane comes to her senses and tells Grant that it is ovah! Ovah I say! Grant says “OK, whatever” and starts sniffing round Chelsea instead. Jane is sad because her loins still ache for the big lunk and his new comedy eyebrow raising acting "style". Zzz, wake me up when Ian finds out.

Drippy/Fred-Deee – still not coping. Drippy confesses her convoluted soap opera past to The Fit Doctor but he doesn’t care (if he can get past that awful hair I don’t think an abusive marriage/spell in prison/rape and rape baby are going to put him off) and still wants to go out with her. They do it. He invites her to spend the night in Brighton – Sodom of the South and at first Drippy is all “oh no, I could never leave Fred-dee!” but then she thinks: “Hmm, doctor = hot! Fred-dee = annoying. I’ll go!” They are just about to drive off when there is an omen or some such and she decides she can’t go after all. (Maybe the doc should have gone anyway - I’m sure he would be very popular in the GAY CAPITAL OF THE SOUTH COAST). Anyway, when Drippy gets in she discovers that Fred-dee is in a coma – gasp - and has to rush to hospital. It turns out that he has bleeding of teh brane and everyone thinks that Drippy battered him or something. Cue Drippy saying “I would never hurt Fred-dee!” about 500 times an episode. Fit Doctor has to tell the cops about Drippy coming to the doctors moaning about the kid every day for the last six years so Drippy thinks he has turned against her. She thinks the family have too, even when they are nice to her. She recalls that Ben spent some time alone with Fred-dee and goes to rough him up to make him confess. The Mitchells are annoyed. I am annoyed too but for lots of different reasons.

Moomin and Martin argue on Moomin’s 21st birthday/make up a bit/argue some more/blah blah blah. Adopto-gran comes round with Moominspawn so they agree to pretend to be nice for the sake of appearances. Gran says she is going to change her will to make the Bickersons guardians of Moominspawn when Adopto-gran dies. Moomin is rubbing her hands together saying “Sweet!” when Martin suddenly shouts “Moomin left me two months ago and is now a big gay! It’s all a tissue of lies!” so adopto-gran says “well I never!” and storms out. Moomin is left in the Square bellowing “I hate yooooo!” through Martin’s letter box. She goes round to try and reason with Adopto-gran but A-G is all “No, the lies! So wrong!” and chucks her out. Jim and Naomi try to cheer her up but Moomin is all “Boo hoo! I’ll never see my daughter again!”

I wish.

SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT
I'm very sorry about the lack of Easties Updates for last week. Things have been a bit busy, I'm afraid, and I've had to spend some time in hospital with my daughter. Normal service will be resumed soon.

POLINEMONY SNICKET: A SERIES OF IMPLAUSIBLE EVENTS
This is a bit rubbish as I am off on holiday soon and DON’T HAVE TIME FOR THIS SHIT!!!!! Anyway….

Everyone is running round going “Where is Ben?! Oh where could he be!??” The police are involved and search parties etc. It is all dramarama. Fill and Ian are taking it in turn to blame each other while Jane and Gu-want roll their eyes and check out each other’s booties. It turns out however that everyone in Walford is either blind or incompetent, as The Fit Doctor just stumbles across Ben hiding behind a step. He coaxes him out with a mars bar or something and returns him to Ian. Jane thinks they should tell the Mitchells straight away but Ian wants to let Ben settle down. Of course, Fill finds out from someone else and has a shouty fit. Ian and fill shout and blame each other some more (see last weeks entry – as the exact same thing happens another five times). They also bicker about whether Kaffee loved Fill or Ian more. If I was their dad in a car I would be threatening to turn the car round and go home at this point. Ian and Jane also bicker because Ian thinks that Jane should agree to anything he says, or else she is not being supportive. Jane goes to moan to Gu-want about the lot of them and they end up snogging – gasp! As someone on the GU board said, I suppose it is nice for Jane to get it on with someone bigger and stronger than her, for once.

Anyway, Ben goes over to the Vic for the night and has to share a room with Fill – great. He rows with amusingly brattish Courtney and then Fill decides it would be a good idea to draw their family tree on the wall. I think you’re going to need a bigger wall. Babs thinks that Ben is doing it on his own and shouts at him. Ben is sad and goes home to Ian. I see this is going to drag on for weeks.

Yet more of Freddy crying and Drippy getting to the end of her tether. JoJo is cross because Davetta is saddled looking after the brat instead of seeing about enrolling at school. Davetta says she wants to get a job and pay her way – of course, it is too much to hope that a bright girl in EE will pursue any sort of education. Drippy goes to see the fit doctor again and he acts a bit cold and distant towards her and then says that he thinks she should transfer to another doctor at the practice (what is this “practice” of which they speak – EE only ever has one doctor at a time. It is the LAW!). Drippy thinks it is because she is the most annoying woman in Christendom but no, it is because he fancies her and wants to ask her on a date. Noooo! He’s too good for her!!! They have a meal and kiss and everything afterwards. Sluts.

Speaking of sluts, GADawn goes to an interview at a model agency, but the bitchy agency lady tells her that she is too short and too old to be a model and that her fake boobs are rubbish. Dawn is all “What’s wrong with my humps, my humps, my lovely lady lumps? Check them out!” but to no avail. Afterwards she lies and tells everyone she is on the books, but Carly makes sour faces and thinks she is lying. They keep arguing and eventually have a little catfight in the market. Dawn pulls Carly’s hair and Carly smacks her in the face. Later on Dawn takes to going round with a huge pair of dark glasses and saying that the black eye is ruining her career. It turns out that she drew the black eye on with felt tip and yet again Carly uncovers her perfidy.

Davetta finds out that the money is coming from Lee. She has a bratty fit and says she doesn’t want it. Charlie tells her to get a grip or else start supporting herself 100%. Davetta is thoughtful. Later on Lee says that he has heard form Tony Bennett’s lawyer and is allowed to reopen Scarlett’s and use the profits to support Davetta. Davetta agrees and the club is all set to re-open (I suppose they have forgotten that whole plot where Scarletts loses its license after Beano slips JoJo some drucks that he bought off the doorstaff. Well I haven’t!!).

StraightPike tries to get Poline to go and stay with Gay Pike so he has a week to talk Dot out of grassing him up. Poline won’t go until Str8 Pike buys half of Dewsons timber yard and strews it round the kitchen. Poline starts having obsessive/compulsive panic attacks, dumps Betty on Dot and runs off to Gay Pike sharpish. Str8 Pike pleads with Dot but to no avail and even tries to suck up to her by setting up a new DVD player for Bradley (who is getting the hang of this acting lark finally – not so much for Carly yet though…) Dot throws him out and Betty runs out too and is instantly mown down by Bradley, driving his bosses car. There is a fab slo mo shot of Jojo shouting “NOOOOOOO!!!!” like in Platoon (in my imagination anyway…) Betty twitches sadly on the floor while everyone stands around and looks horrified. Str8 Pike takes her to dog hospital and it turns out that she isn’t badly hurt after all and doesn’t even need to have one of those lamp shades stuck to her neck. Str8 Pike says that he will tell Poline that Dot is a rubbish dogsitter if she doesn’t agree to keep mum re his crim past. Dot has a moral dilemma.

It is all moot anyway. That annoying bastard Bert (I thought he was only to going to be in it for like 2 episodes! Why is she still there??) decides he wants a DVD player for himself and suddenly shows up with one identical to Dot/Bradley’s. Str8 Pike assumes he nicked it and has the brilliant idea that he will break into Dot’s house to replace it. When he gets there he discovers that Bert didn’t nick the DVD after all. Of course, Poline just happens to get home early and just happens to spot someone breaking into Dot’s and just happens to find a handy policeman who arrests Str8 Pike. Poline collects him from the station and finds out everything that happened – she wants to know why Pike automatically assumed Bert nicked the DVD player and the whole story of their crim past comes out. Poline says she will forgive Pike as long as he chucks Bert out but Pike refuses, as Bert has been his wife longer than Poline! Poline tells Pike to get out as well then. Ooooo!

ALL BABS IS SAYING IS GIVE FILL A CHANCE
Grunt and Fill have a new dodgy lawyer, who says that Fill has to maintain an amicable relationship with Ian if he wants to see Ben. Fill asks if that means that he can't beat Fill up any more. Well, he tries, but the Bealemeister works himself up into a screaming panic every time he sees a potato - which would explain why he's not spending much time at the chippy - so Mr Maris Piper doesn't make much headway. The meetings usually follow a pattern: Fill approaches with penitent look on his face. Ian looks suspicious. Ben looks scared. PJ makes mollifying noises and Fill awkwardly tries to bond with Ben. Ben thaws slightly. Fill makes gaffe - usually of the Fill: "I am your father"/Ben:"I have no father" variety. Ian waits until Fill looks at him funny, screams that Fill will never see Ben again. PJane intervenes. Ian says PJane is against him. Ben looks scared. We get about three goes at this, with the occasional variation of Babs screaming at Ian instead of Fill. Ben gets fed up with all the fighting and runs away. Ian blames Fill. Fill blames Ian. PJane and Babs round up the pub regulars for a good old search party. My fancy schmancy DVR recording didn't get the last ten minutes or so, but the BBC site shows Fill praying with Dot.

Lee, meanwhile, is well into his long dark teatime of the soul. There are plenty of scenery chewing moments that display Lee's full range for passing agents. There's Lee getting his act together and smiling dangerously. There's Lee being 'sensitive' with Ben in the betting shop (long story). There's Lee with a bottle of vodka, doing some strange target practice thing with a hammer and a packet of chocolate digestives. There's Lee beating up Juley in full view of the entire market and getting threatened by Davetta in full-on psycho bunny mode. Go Davetta! There's Lee contemplating Ethel 2.0's happy pills. There's Lee walking to the cop shop to turn himself in and...there's Grant and Fill, bundling him into the back of the motor, telling him he won't survive ten minutes in prison with those pretty eyes. The desk sergeant tells Lee to get to the back of the queue while he deals with the other serial killers and lost cat enquiries. Lee gets bored and decides that prison life might not be for him after all, in fact life might not be such a good idea. He covers the soft furnishings with newspaper and contemplates the happy pills once again. A burglar alarm salesman drops by. Lee asks him if his burglar alarm can find bullets lodged in shattered skulls. Salesman makes his excuses and leaves. Grant and Fill offer to help Lee commit suicide by running him over with Grant's jeep, but Lee chooses life. Again. They all end up eating biscuits in Lee's kitchen. Lee admits that Curly was a bit of a liability and is probably better off dead anyway.

Dot's vigil is finally rewarded after five non-comedy days of Jim's wisecracks, tumbling curtains and Dot whispering into a dictaphone by Mr Benn taking some rubbish out. And then taking it back in again. Mr Benn also says that he's not driving the old folks to St Paul's Cathedral because it's only a couple of stops on the tube, ffs. Dot throws a wobbler.

Drippy is still sad and going ever madder. Babs gives her some time off, and Dr NotGayYet tries to give her some homeopathic anti-stress medicine. Drippy twitches and says she just wants to take care of Cute Baby Freddy. Try letting the poor kid walk occasionally then, madwoman. Mr P is convinced that she's only there to make other parents feel good about themselves.

Parklife's car lot is now called "Getaway Carz" or something equally classy. Dasbo and Beano's battle for marketing supremacy ends when Parklife lets them choose a car each, then tells them to start saving so they can buy it. Isn't Dasbo too young to drive, and shouldn't he be in school anyway? Where is this truant-officerless alternate universe? Anyway, Beano offends GADawn again and I still find myself strangely unable to care.

FILL AND BEN THE POWER PLOT MEN
This is a shoddy crib as I didn’t manage to watch very much last week

Anyway. Someone breaks into the car lot and messes it all up. Yolande starts squawking that it is cursed! Cursed I tell you! and says that Patrick has to get rid of it before they discover that it was built over an ancient Indian burial ground or something. They offer Parklife and Pat first refusal but Parklife doesn’t want to because he is still dreaming of going abroad. Sorry mate – you are trapped in the Walford Zone forever now and will only be leaving in the Mythical Taxi of Finality. In the end they decide to take it over, with Pat providing the money and Parkilfe as manager. There is non comedy rubbish re Beano and Dasbo vying to be his chief minion.

Fill sets Carly a series of tasks or quests or something before he can decide whether to send her on day release to mechanic school. She passes. What the hell ever.

Pat finds that Lee has locked himself in his flat and is spending his days rocking back and forth and sobbing – That’s right Lee! They still haven’t written you out of the show! Doomed to be a superfluous pointless character for ever more! He later pulls himself together and offers money to Charlie for Davetta’s upkeep, which he *says* is from Tony Bennet.

Drippy is still having nervous breakdowns re the kid and generally Not Coping. Zzzz.

Davetta is staying in the Slater Tardis but doesn’t want anyone else to know, especially when the local paper comes out and it turns out that Tony Bennett has confessed to about 15 murders including the Lord Lucan and Jack the Ripper ones. JoJo sneaks around and fetches stuff for her from the shops etc and Bradley thinks she is cheating on him but of course she isn’t.

Dot thinks that Mr Benn (what do we think kids, is that a better nickname than Straight Pike?) and Bert are up to something suspicious. Mr Benn tries to suck up to her by fitting her a shower as a surprise but then Bert spoils it by amusingly pretending to ambush her with a spanner. Dot runs away, falls over and hurts her leg – thus setting up Rear Window style pastiches with Jim as, um, Grace Kelly (they didn’t really think that through, did they…)

Phoney has a dream that she is going to give birth to a cat. I am so sorry that I missed that exciting plot development.

Fill has arranged to do something with Ian and Ben but Ian receives a Message From Beyond The Grave in the form of a packet of Kaffee’s photos and knick knacks etc and blows off the appointment to sit in a darkened room and cry and rock. Fill goes mental and threatens Jane so Jane says she will press charges if he does that again. Jane has taken to wearing some dark purple lippy that doesn’t really suit her. Ian randomly decides to take the kids on a camping trip (in the first week of April?? Are you actively trying to drive Ben into Fill’s fat blubbery arms?). More Fill/Jane aggro. Fill sees his tall icy lady lawyer (aka the Snow Queen from Narnia) and is told that it would be best to come to some sort of amicable arrangement. Amicable? Am ik ub al? Fill rushes off to find a dictionary and plot his next dastardly move.

Naomi plans a surprise party for Moomin and forces everyone to attend. Martin wants to go out for a drink but all his mates are going to Moomin’s instead. He sits on Losers Bench and sulks and then spoils the surprise party for Moomin – what a bastard. I knew that divorces were messy but spoiling a surprise party??? Are there no depths he will not plumb??? Moomin is sad and then ANGRY!! Fear the wrath of the Moomin! Martin goes round to apologise but Moomin squeals that he is dead to her! Dead!!! Martin says “Fine, then you’re not allowed to see Moominspawn when she comes for tea tomorrow!” Moomin somehow uses her powers so that Martin is no longer dead to her and goes to tea with the kid. They all pretend to like each other while the kid is there but when it is over Jim says that Moomin is a nasty piece of work for manipulating people and turning into a lesbian for the sake of lame plot shenanigans. Moomin = still sad. Next day Naomi and Moomin are canoodling in the Vic. Yeah right, as if any gay would actually do that in a dog rough east end pub like the Vic! I wouldn’t do that and I am built like a brick shit house (well, quite tall anyway). Oh if only there was such a thing as a gay bar they could go to instead! (they wouldn’t even have to build a new set! Just put the pool table in the restaurant set and hey presto!). The whole point of this nonsense is for Jim to save Moomin from some lewd youths so that they can have yet another argument about Moomin switching teams and then start crying and hug each other etc.

Meanwhile Martin cops off with some blonde bit part actress and takes her back to his depressing house for some loving, only Poline runs in and says that that sort of thing is not allowed under her roof. Aargh, they are both mental! Poline – stop being such a freak and let Martin get laid! Martin! Why didn’t you smuggle the girl into your room like a sensible person? Are you really that thick? Martin points out that actually he owns a part of the roof and Poline says that “this isn’t the answer”. If cheap meaningless sex isn’t the answer then Martin is asking the wrong questions! The girl runs away thanking the gods for a lucky escape and Martin starts crying like a big baby.

FATMAN AND DOBBIN
It's Christmas...oooh...hang on, has the Easties universe gone completely alternate and started doing two Christmases a year like US sitcoms? The cameraperson seems to have been at the script editor's gin cupboard, because he's lying on the front seat of a cab, filming Fill taking hundreds of suitcases out of the back through a dirty lens. Oh no, the cab clock is counting down to midnight - that'll cost a bit. The other cameraperson is lying on the pavement, off his face on the producer's secret dope stash, focused on the pretty colours in the Vic windows...shots...Fill screams silently as shots ring out and Shazza starts screaming. He looks down and, oh no! His hands are full of blood...and...

...he wakes up. It was all a dream. What's that all about then? Now, I'm prepared to see this as an ironic hommage to the late, great Dallas shower scene, but on the other hand it could just be a producer's coke-fuelled attempt to raise the tone. Grunt overhears Fill's long dark midnight of the soul and decides to take him off for a day of golf and 'sorting out business' in Essex. We see enough of young Courtney to work out that she's got great potential. More than drippy little Ben, anyway. Mind you, Ben is with the Devil Children, so there's still time.

On the way to somewhere in Essex, Grunt tells Fill that he's done therapy and is now a Zen master like Jaymee, able to help Fill through his days of darkness. Fill grunts and drives Grunt to Tony Bennett's place.

Chez Bennett, Tony spends his time dressed in a pink jumper in his steel-doored panic room fitted out with full-on CCTV, cupboard for his collection sawn-off shotguns and a Ukranian vodka lake. Davetta bakes scones in the enormous Mafiosi kitchen. Curly seems to hang around being creepy and mad. Grunt and Fill force Tony back into the panic room, and Fill begins round one. Grunt meets up with Davetta and activates his new Ultimate Force Zen powers to help Davetta understand her dad. It can't be easy, having to be Carmela and Meadow at once. Poor Davetta! Anyway, she tells Grunt about the improbably relationship with Juley, and Grunt discovers the pimping scandal, which is somehow counter to the Ultimate Force Zen Master code and goes "Grrrr!" but doesn't smash. There's taunting. And some fighting. Then more taunting, and a car chase in which Fill drives Tony's motor into a pile of skips and the boys end up tied up in an outhouse with only Tony's CCTV for company.

Then Lee turns up, acting on a hunch and looking for Curly. Curly is creepy and mad. Really creepy. Like, Peter Lorre creepy. Curly slips Davetta some sleeping pills and indulges in a bit of groping. Lee finds out that Curly killed Denman and filmed it like a demented happy slapper teen, and decides that Curly Must Be Stopped.

Meanwhile, Tony hands Curly his second-best sawn-off shotgun, and tells him to bury Grunt and Fill in the woods. Having killed them first of course. First Dallas, now Miller's Crossing. There's more chat. The Mitchells try a bit of psychology on Curly, but they're assuming that Curly has more than three braincells to rub together so that doesn't work. Curly points the sawn-off shotgun at Grunt's head...there's a bang, and Curly falls down deaded. Shot by his brother, who found a tiny little handgun with amazing range just lying around the place. Bye bye Curly. Maybe you'll find a decent job one day. Maybe there's room for a slightly crazy young medic on Casualty or something.

Davetta finds the happy stabbing vid on Tony's phone and has a showdown with her dad. Lee returns to the house just as Tony is driven off in the police car, on his way to confess everything, just as Davetta told him to. It's so's she can be proud of her dad, or something. What's she going to do? Put it on her CV? When Tony says he's going to confess to everything, the coppers sigh, put the kettle on, and phone out for pizza. It's going to be a long night.

Davetta frets about Curly, but Lee says that Curly has gone to a happy place where nobody can hurt him or steal his salsa nights any more. He drops her off at the Slaters and goes home to his empty house.

The Mitchells return home and Grunt asks Babs for her best pie for lunch. Ben passes and Fill tries out a sensitive wave but his hands keep bunching up into a fist. Poor Fill