FLYING DOWN FROM RIO

Babs is still telling anyone who will listen that she’s not afraid of Tony Bennett yadda yadda. It’s time for Fill’s court hearing – which has taken almost as long to come around as it does in real life, but Babs says Davetta needs her more than Fill (and she’s not even a Mitchell), and Davetta discovers that Babs is dead scared of Tony and his slammy door habit. She tells TB to lay off terrorising old ladies, but TB just twirls his moustache and hires a sad-eyed assassin to give Babs a pre-Hallowe’en surprise.

Agarry and Minty play a trick on Ian, but they don’t realise that he still calls the shots, the fools. He sacks them and spends the rest of the week looking for replacement mechanics. This is another of those ‘millions of people in London and only two working mechanics in the East End’ moments that we don’t really need to dwell on. Anyway, Fill throws some ketchup at Ian, calls him a grass, and tells him to re-employ Agarry and Minty or else. Ian does as he is told when his Aikido master skillz fail him.

Ah yes, Fill. Well, somehow he gets off this charge that has him bang to rights because ODen’s dead or some witness says he confused Fill with another potato-headed thug wandering around the deserted factory on the same night. Anyway, Grant appears too, just in time to stop Peggy from having her wig rearranged by the sad-eyed assassin, who gets a beating anyway, just so that we can see that Fill and Grant are back, and badder than ever. Actually I had forgotten that they were quite a good double act in the old days, when you had semi-believable scripts and the lovely Martin Kemp to look at.

Shazza won’t believe Denman when he says that Lady MacDenth is a murdering killer. Denman glowers prettily. LadyDen throws a little party for Shazza and taunts Denman, who tries to get her to admit that she murdered Oden in a bizarre one-upmanship ritual.

Grant breaks into the Vic, scares LadyDen and throws Denman roughly against the wall. Grrr! SMASH! Shazza appears and starts shouting at Grant like they never split up. Grant thinks Denman is LadyDen’s boyfriend (speaking of which, how come Lee managed to sleep through all this?), but Shazza says: “He’s my husband, you prat!” Fill: “Eh? He was your brother last time we spoke…” Grant, who is after all married to Rebekah Wade, doesn’t see a problem with this, but he just likes growling at Denman. It goes on in this vein for the next hour or so

Fill and Grant visit Sham in prison. She does her frog face and blubbers apologies about losing the Mitchell Family Fortune. Grant makes a sad face and says that all that matters is getting Sham out of prison. Erm, there’s still an accessory to murder charge isn’t there? She’ll still be banged up for that. Anyway, Sham says that they have to keep Zoe out of it because there’s no way she’s coming back from Hollywood (Co. Down) and her glittering career as a Liv Tyler looky likey to do yet another Enders courtroom battle.

TB sees Davetta enjoying herself in a jolly working-class fashion with JoJo and Slutty, and points out that he didn’t send her to St Poshoes Academy to do A-levels and everything so that she could work on a market stall. Davetta tells him that she’s 16 and she can do what she wants. Kat displays moxie…again…and off Johnny scuttles. Davetta tells Etina to leave TB because he’s a bastard. Actually, he’s a really good bastard – I’m a bit scared of him and his granny-bashing ways. Added to this he has also started a very slurpy affaire with Honey Trap Amy. ETina can read the signs and is sad. But then Tony decides that a nice big fluffy wedding is exactly the thing that will make Davetta come running back because then ETina can be her mum and do all that woman stuff like talking about feelings and shopping. He half-heartedly proposes to ETina. ETina: happy as only a poor deluded fool can be.

Fill admits that he and Shazza did the nasty for a while, and Grunt forgives him. Well, whoopee. Look, I’m aware that a busty blonde with her own pub is every Nuts reader’s dream date, but Shazza is not the Holy Fucking Grail. And since she’s a) married to Denman and b) doesn’t even own the pub any more, she’s not even a Grail-shaped beacon. Denman gets jealous. Especially when Shazza visits Sham and searches her soul (and the pub accounts) for a bit, then decides that LadyDen really did do it after all. Denman growls: “That’s what I’ve been telling you for weeks! Grrr!”,and flounces off to live at the bookie’s, where he probably sleeps with one of Byrite’s cufflinks under his pillow or something.

Finally, Mmartin admits that he went to Moominchild’s birthday party and posted her card by accident. Moomin explains that she writes a creepy stalker letter every year, but never sends them. She wants to freak Moominchild out when she’s 18 or something. She meets up with AdoptoGran, and they talk about Mmartin’s pain. More Growing Apart tedium.

Other news:

TriniDad gets the car lot, despite not knowing the first thing about buying or selling cars. How come Fill owns it these days? How come ODen missed that one?

No sign of Fool and Ethel 2.0. Be thankful for small mercies.

Oh yes, and the Bealemeister is the Mystery Buyer. He tries to pull out of the deal, but TB threatens that his revenge would make the Mitchells look like the Teletubbies. Ooooh!

FINGER RIPPING GOOD

Tony Bennet hires a new waitress who is sassy and has moxy etc. I guess this is Honey the Honey Trap lady (DO YOU SEE WHAT THEY DID THERE???). She looks like a cross between Tara Para Rara Tompkinson and Raquel off Corrie and flirts with Tony Bennet and rubs his shoulders. ETina tells her to keep her hands off her man. Catfight? Honey and Tony have a creepy crypto incest type conversation about whether or not Honey has a good relationship with her dad. Honey says she would obey her Dad, if he asked her nicely, so Tony asks her nicely to take off all her clothes. Honey obeys – eww, more like Hussy than Honey, methinks – and Tony just walks out and leaves her standing nekkid in his office. Doh!

GADawn has taken an instant dislike to Dole Scum Keef. Sensible girl.

Minty and AGarry have taken to skiving off work, lying on the sofa, drinking a lot and vomiting. Perhaps they’ve read next month’s scripts. Ian runs around telling them off but to no avail.

For some reason, Trinidad decides that he wants to take on the car lot, even though he knows nothing about cars, or business, or anything. Jim props up his childish dreams whereas Charlie tries to be sensible.

More Martin/Moomin growing apartness. Moomin goes to Tate Modern with her friends and Martin says he will go too but then bails out. The way they go on about Tate Modern you would think it was full of performance artists hitting each other with fish and shouting “This is my happening and it’s freaking me out!” etc. Poline finds the annual birthday card that Moomin writes (but does not send) to Moominspawn and pops it in the post, because she is an interfering old hag. Great, we’re having this plot yet again. Dear EE writers – are we going to have this every six months until Moominspawn is 18 because if so then SHOOT ME NOW!!! Moomingran pops round and says that the card was so moving that she has decided to invite everyone round to the birthday party. Moomin is uncontactable so Poline and Martin go round to the party and then decide not to tell Moomin about it. Great plan.

This week is all about Tony Bennett losing the plot. Davetta and Jojo creep into the club and search in his safe for proof that he is a gangster. They find an actual gun just as Tony arrives. Tony admits that yes, he was a gangster and killed some people etc etc but he still loves Davetta and wants to be a good dad. The girls run off and Davetta smashes up Tony Bennet’s living room in a rage. They try and make it look like a burglary before running off to the Slaters’ but Tony finds Davetta’s Next-looking watch and knows it was her. Slutty won’t let him in to see Davetta so he phones the cops and gets Jojo arrested.

Meanwhile, in a section I like to call “plots I don’t remotely care about” – Fool arranges for a cop-style strippergram bloke to “arrest” Ethel 2.0. However, before this can occur, Ethel spots JoJo being dragged off by a copper and goes and stamps on his foot and knocks his hat off. The copper arrests her too. Meanwhile the strippergram tries to arrest Pat instead and she puts the smackdown on him. Oh my sides, etc. Slutty and Fool meet at the police station and she tells him off for not looking after his gran. Ethel and JoJo are both released.

There is lots of to-ing and fro-ing with Davetta and Tony Bennet that is hard to keep straight in my head. Davetta asks Pat to tell the truth about her dad but Pat wisely does not want to get involved. Davetta asks Babs and so Babs tells her a charming story about how once Tony mutilated a hooker’s hand so she lost some of her fingers. Ouch. Also she mentions that Davetta probably lost her mum and sister due to gangland shenanigans. Davetta: “I hate you dad, blah blah!” ETina ponces around in the background pulling tortured faces. Tony Bennett tells her off for being annoying. Word. Tony tries to buy Davetta’s love by getting her a sweet car and some driving lessons for her 17th birthday. Davetta has a bratty fit and manages to smash up Ian and Jim’s cars while trying to drive away (jojo’s advice that driving an automatic is like “the dodgems” turns out not to be 100% accurate.) Tony drags Davetta into the house by the arm and goes all gangsta on her ass – saying that though he loves her he will “break her” if she continues to defy him. Hmm, somehow I don’t think they advise “breaking” your child in Dr Spock or whatever. Jojo runs away and goes to stay with Pat and Babs.

Babs and Tony feud repeatedly – Tony tries to suggest that he lets people make out he is a thug to improve his reputation and that actually he is a pussycat. Babs is not buying it. Also she is a Mitchell, perhaps you weren’t aware of that. He makes fun of the fact that Sham and Fill are in chokey and that Grant is away in Brazil learning how to make (and spell) capairinhas. He finds out that Sham’s new solicitor (giant lady with icy white hair) is a bit dodgy and mocks Babs for being a hypocrite. Finally he says that he wants Jojo back at home by 5 pm OR ELSE!!!

Babs mutters that she won’t be told what to do. Pat tries to be sensible and says that Babs hasn’t got any muscle to protect her and she should just do what he says. Davetta realises that she is stuck in the middle of a Babs/Tony feud and that Babs is basically using her. As the deadline approaches, Babs sends Billy to round up some muscle (ie Minty and Agarry. ha ha ha) but they are drunk again and even more useless than one might expect. Billy is too chicken to go back on his own so he sits in Minty’s fetid flat with his hands over his ears going “la la la I can’t hear you” to his phone. Tony comes round at the appointed hour and Babs answers the door with the chain on – they bicker a bit more and Babs says that Davetta doesn’t want to see him. Tony says “Ok then, fair enough” and asks Babs to pass on some birthday cards to Davetta. Then when Babs reaches to take the cards he – OH MY GOD –slams the door shut on her fingers and turns completely evil! He is all “Do not defy me! I mutilated that hooker’s hand for laffs and I’d do it again in a second! If you still want to be able to count to ten tomorrow you will return my daughter to me, Wig Woman!!! Bwa ha ha!” He stomps off and leaves Babs snivelling in the hallway. Wow, that was awesome!!!

LAST WEEK'S EASTIES IN 1.5 MINUTES
HOUSE OF DOLESCUM
Mickney: I can't decide which is the bigger loser out of GADawn and Juley, so we're going to have a competition and the winner gets a partnership in the new Toy stall
GAD: I'm going to use the wonder of technology to print lots of flyers. Like nobody has thought of that before
Juley: I'm going to stick a sandwich board on Wellard.
Keef: Oooh...that word on GAD's flyers doesn't look right.
GAD: How would you know? You're illiterate
Mickney: So are you. It's a miracle! You're fired
Keef: Awww...give 'er the job. She'll only sulk.
Mickney: Oh alright then

Babs: You're a Mitchell. I'm a Mitchell. They're not Mitchells. Give us the Vic, good people!

TB: Billy, even though you're a bit of a fool, and you're under your psycho auntie's thumb, I'm promoting you to bar manager. Don't fuck up.
Billy: Cor, thanks boss. Who's buying the Vic, by the way.
TB: Not telling. I've got to go out now, but don't go thinking about letting Babs down here to go through my files.
Enter Babs
Babs: Oh goody. Now he's gone, I'll take a look at his files.
Billy: Errr...
LATER
TB: Billy, what was that I said about not fucking up? How is letting your crazy auntie in to go through my files not a fuck up?
Billy: errr
TB:You're fired.

Babs: You owe me a favour, TB, especially after you took a fall so that Pa Mitchell could take your place as East London Middleweight Champion of 1965.
TB: Ummm...how does that work again?
Babs: When Pa Mitchell failed at boxing, you turned him into a heavy and somehow that's when he started hitting me and the boys. Two generations of brutalised battiness and petty gangsterism, and my daughter is a complete headcase too. That's all down to you, that is.
TB: Eh?
Babs: That's nothing. Give me a few minutes and I'll make you personally responsible for the Millennium Dome, and Thatcher.
TB: I'm still not telling.
Babs shakes her tiny fist and goes home to shout at Billy again
Pat: Oh, give it a rest and get shaking those margaritas, Wiggy.

Meanwhile, back at the Vic
Denman: She killed ODen, you know. And guess what? You're next, mate.
Lee: No I'm not. She loves me...
Denman: She loved my dad too. Before he knocked up my girlfriend and tried to split me and my sisterwife up.
Lee: Butt out Mr Local Pub for Local People
Shazza: Leave Ladyden alone.
Denman: Oh, alright then (glowers prettily)
Babs storms up to the bar, dodgy bloke in tow.
Babs: Oi! Bennet! No! Here's the bloke you left for dead all those years ago after he put too many candles on your birthday cake. Do you want such a man to own this pub, good folk of Walford?
Bloke: Errr...yes that's right. I was brutally beaten and left for dead by somebody who was working for Tony here.
Pub regulars: Well, we've had a manic alcoholic, a dead philanderer who liked 'em young and scared; a crazy arsonist ex para, his potato-headed brother and now we've got a psycho with a poodle perm. A full-on ex-gangster and Friend of The Krays (they was good boys really...) sounds a bit tame for us.

Close up on Davetta, who has wandered in out of the plot cupboard and heard everything.

Babs: Ooops
Davetta: My dad is Tony Soprano? Cool! I mean....oh god, how could you do this? I have no father!!
TB: Grrr! I'll get you Babs, and your little dog too...

Other lowlights:

Fool finds a wartime rations film which features Young Ethel 2.0. Ethel can't recognise herself and has and existential crisis.

GADawn explains that her community breast enlargement was a vital element of her regaining her self-esteem, something that glamourpusses like Poline and Dot wouldn't understand.

Poline and Straight Pike get closer, move apart, then bond with Ian and PJane over lunch. This is not as unsavoury as it sounds, but Ian Beale is the one person living who thinks that roast beef and yorkshires is a suitable lunch for a Friday.

DAWN OF THE DUD
Les types muppetiques ont retournee a Walford et donc le blog is now in English again. Phew! It turns out that Bealemeister and PantoJane are back from Bournemouth earlier than expected, so Minty and AGarry have to hustle and a-bustle to get their car fixed in time. Then Ian finds a string of garlic or a frogs leg in the glove compartment and the jig, it is up. He fines them and tells them off. Somehow Dasbo gets a job as Ian’s new minion.

Girl Aloud Dawn is esconced in the bosom of her family. Everyone is pleased to see her but she gets all arsey because she thinks Rosie Klebb is smothering her. She don’t need no good advice! Etc. Rosie finds a letter from a hospital in GADawn’s things and is worried. Dawn squeals that Rosie is being too nosey and that she just needs a minor operation on her lady parts, but now can’t afford the private clinic she has booked. Rosie decides to have a collection at her 40th birthday party (the reason for the booze cruise, it seems) to put towards the operation. 40?? Is that in dog years?? GADawn realises that her family really love her and decides to stay indefinitely, or until X-Factor is over at any rate.

Bu bu but wait a minute! There is a mysterious sister called Dawn who suddenly appears and everyone pretends that she existed all along??? OMG it is the same plot to that season of Buffy which was a bit shit – all over again!!! Does that mean that Demi is the Chosen One then?

Dawn goes into hospital for her mystery op and everyone is worried etc. Meanwhile Demi is sad about Leo so Keef comforts her by talking about pigeons. Don’t ask me. In the end they decide to go to hospital to visit GADawn and it turns out she has used the money to have a boob job. Heh.

Ethel 2.0 has a scan and they find out that she has a dangerously enlarged… thing… in her… somewhere. It’s serious anyway and would be too risky too operate at her age. Alternatively, the doctor has decided that she is too irritating to live. Fool makes the Sad Face and they decide to do all the things that Ethel wanted to do but never got round to … coming up: Ethel tries some “happy slapping”, Ethel snorts coke from the pert buttocks of a Brazilian gigolo, Ethel attends a bare knuckle boxing match. Etc.

Martin sits at home while Naomi and Moomin go out. Rinse repeat etc. Moomin continues interviewing smelly tramps about health care and one of the tramps takes umbrage and starts manhandling her. Gasp! She doesn’t seem to have any Moomin Powers to activate and ends up being saved by a picturesque homeless lady (who is possibly played by the “sexy gran” from Little Britain). Martin is cross. Later on they make up and he cooks for her, but Moomin has yet another work/Martin-lovin’ conflict. Zzzz. We get the message – can we move on now, please? thanks

Lee is suspicious (and also a lot posher than he was that he joined the show). He asks LadyDen if she Did It and she lies to his face. Babs tries to talk Jojo into telling the Truth. Unfortunately Jojo does not yell back “The Truth! You can’t handle the TRUTH!!!” Jojo is worried that she might be preverting the course of justice, so Slutty tells her all and explains why they have to protect Teen and her metal dog wielding ways. Later on JoJo goes to LadyDen and says she is going to rot in the fiery pits of hell for what she’s done. Steady on, love. Jojo then blackmails Ladyden for spending money and then throws said spending money back in her face. LadyDen is sad. Lee overhears LadyDen being harangued by both JoJo and Babs and again asks LadyDen for the TRUTH!!! She flinches dramatically and, when she thinks Lee is going to leave her, eventually admits killing O-Den in self defence. Lee admits that he stood around and let Tony Bennett introduce Byrite’s branes to the tarmac of the North Circular. What an adorable couple. They spend about three episodes running around, crying and shouting through each other’s letter boxes until they finally realise that they lurve each other and want to stay together – they decide to Sell The Vic and Make A New Start. That always works out really well for people, doesn’t it?

Poline, Queen of Miserabilism, is sick of people gossiping about her and Straight Pike. After all, she is a proper Amish lady whose morals are without approach in her strictly religious community. Oh, wait a minute – she isn’t and who cares?? Naomi and Moomin confuse her with their talk of “the rules” as to when she should phone him etc, so she decides to stop seeing him for no good reason. Dot and Moomin persuade her that she should give him a chance and so Poline gets dolled up for a date at the restaurant. At dinner they have a long and boring talk about how Straight Pike is v sad and lonely. Also they wonder what it might mean if Poline orders filthy sinful French cuisine with sauce on it (ie. is she easy?). The answer must be yes: they go back to Poline’s for a coffee and are about to snog when Martin interrupts them.

Shazza and Denman are back from Spain. Shazza has achieved near radioactive levels of orangeness. LadyDen is wracked with guilt and wants to confess to Shazza! The police! Anyone! Lee tells her not to be so stoopid. There is a hilarious shot of LadyDen sat in the bathroom with her hair all bedraggled, looking like a melancholy afhan hound. In the end, LadyDen decides not to confess and offers Shazza'n'Denman the Vic - Shazza can’t be arsed to buy it as she is leaving this train wreck of a soap as soon as she possibly can. LadyDen suggests that Lee tries to blackmail Tony Bennett into buying it. That’s a great plan, esp as Lee is so scared to see Tony Bennett that you can practically hear his knees knocking. He tries it on and Tony somehow guesses that LadyDen killed O-Den. He shouts at Lee and tells him to never bother him again. Doh. ETina is back but she doesn’t do much except for wear a weird top that looks like part of a 1940s swimming costume.

Babs is still strutting round like a transvestite bulldog. Billy follows her around, looking resigned and muttering “Just leave it, she’s not worth it” every few minutes. Babs gets herself barred from the Vic and tries to convince New Different Lady Copper that LadyDen is guilty, dammit. She offers to buy the Vic off LadyDen and LadyDen is so desperate that she is tempted to accept – after all, she has asked all of two people if they want to buy it and it’s not as though there are such things as estate agents and catering trade papers where she could advertise the sale. Sigh. LadyDen is about to accept Babs offer when Tony Bennett comes in and says that he shall buy the Vic after all. Babs makes a sour face and waves her little fist at Tony. It’s been at least six months since we had the Vic Ownership Conflict – I suppose it’s easier to have it again rather than think of any new stories.

Les gens qui habitent à l'Est: Hors du plot cupboard, into le feu
In honneur du shambles qui est l'annuel EE foreign caper pour 2005, le blog pour cette semaine est ecrit en Franglais. Ma mechant stepmother française would be fière.

Allez les gars! Minty, AGarry, Juley et MYGus ont echappé du plot cupboard, volé le grand auto du Bealemeister et maintenant ils sont bombing down les rues de Normandy, ou ils cherche Aurore qui est la soeur de Mickney. I’ll y a beaucoup de plaisanteries sur la theme de "idiots abroad". Personne (sauf pour MYGus qui est un swot fillette) parle le lingo! AGarry mange le cheval! Ils tous mangent le buffet pour un funeral par erreur! Et plein d'autre shenanigans! Aoh, mes sides.

Les pouvoirs qui sont veulent que nous croyons Aurore, la soeur de Mickney, est une vraie hottie. Moi, je pense qu'elle rassemble le cross-eyed Irlandaise du Girls Aloud et elle n'est pas Bonnie Tyler! Dommage! AGarry essaye it on avec elle. Mais elle realise qu'il est un tosseur, et lui donne le shoulder froid. Meanwhile Minty court partout les arbres et chant: "Bonjour les arbres! Bonjour le beaux paysage Français! Du vin, du pain, du Boursin etc". Il rencontre les blokes français qui introduisent Minty aa la vie français avec plein du vin, pain, Boursin, et un comely waitresse qui parle l'anglais parfait.

La maison de Aurore est un peu posh pour qu'elqu'un qui resembles un reject de Pop Idol et nous sommes correct. Moi, je bet que la maison est le weekend retrait d'un EE producer. Anyway, Aurore garde la maison pour un homme mysterieux qui est Jim Carver du Bill. Est-ce qu'il y a un exchange programme ici? Je veux put in un order pour Barry Grant s'il vous plait.

Jim Carver n'est pas un vieux homme sale, I’ll est le pere de Mickney et Aurore! Zut alors! Mickney n'est pas heureuse. Neither est Jim Carver. Jim dit qu'il est un estate agent du sorts, et il est en train de vendre un grand champ aux touristes anglaises. Juley sent un grand souris.

Perdus dans le forêt, les gars bicker et courent comme les filles from les chasseurs. Les chasseurs shrug et murmur: 'Tiens! les anglais!' Gus dit que Jules never called or wrote while he was dans le plot cupboard. Gus est aussi en train de aller through une crise. I’ll ne veut pas etre un street sweeper toute la vie ou quelque chose comme ca. Juley fait le visage qui leads nous a croire que son grand emploi dans la musique biz n'est tout ce qu'il est cracked up a etre.

Mickney essaye a battre son pere mais Jim utilise son TV copper skills a disarmer lui, et Mickney decide a essayer connaître son pere. Jim envoie Aurore faire les achats or something quand il prend une boire ou quatre avec son fils. Ils bondent. Les autres sont toujours perdus mais personne donnent un monkeys.

Les gars rentre (finalement) et il y a un grand surprise partie pour celebrer quelquechose. Juley est suspicious about Jim et vice versa. Et I’ll a raison. Jim est un grand homme de con. Apres Minty lui a donne ses life savings pour le champ (voir above), il buggers off a Monte Carlo in le voiture posh. Les owners du maison posh se rentrent et voudraient savoir qu'est-ce ce passe ici, hien?

Juley confesses a MYGus qu'il n'est qu'un lowly bill poster pour un bloke down le pub. MYGus: disappointed, mais happy que Juley n'est pas encore un gangsta. A prochaine!

Minty dit qu'il va rester en France anyway. AGarry: dommage. Les blokes dit: "Hurrah! Encore du vin!" mais toute a l'heure ils s'est ennui de lui. Il trouve aussi que la waitresse est la maitresse du cafe owner and it's all very saucy et French he haw he haw. Il rentre au Dieppe avec les autres et Garry vient over tout unnecessary.

Meanwhile, Jim a un attack de conscience et rentre at Dieppe a get shouted at. Il donne back l'argent de Minty et dit au revoir les enfants (voyez vous, que j'ai fait cela?). Aurore veut aller avec lui pour une vie de petty crime et peut etre un bit part dans Emmerdale, mais somehow elle plumps pour Walford over Monte Carlo. Way to aller, Aurore.

SIX FEET UNDEN
Everyone is moping around after Slutty/Drippy/Fool-gate last week. Fool makes Sad Calendar Faces and keeps trying to apologise to various Slaters but they tell him to sling his hook. Billy shouts at Drippy and says he wants nothing to do with her. He says that consorting with Fool has made her deceitful and devious and not like the angelic Drippy that he dumped so many months ago. Shut up, Billy. Meanwhile Ethel 2.0 has some kind of clandestine medical situation going on which she doesn’t want to burden Fool with. Possibly because it is very, very boring.

Naomi and Moomin are conducting a survey about local healthcare for their course work. Martin is resentful, especially when he has to cook his own tea. Shut up, Martin. They interview Agarry and he thinks he has scored with Naomi. Someone needs to introduce AGarry to the miracle of self-love.

Dolescum Keef walks Demi and Dasbo to school so they won’t be picked on by the mean boys, but when they get home they discover that someone has written JUNKY SLAGGG on their front garden wall. Mickney tries to clean it off but Demi comes home and sees it anyway. Rosie Klebb gives a boring speech about how she is proud of Demi and loves Leo now that he is dead and out of the way. My heart it is warmed. They start chatting about the long lost miller sister Dawn, who is now apparently Lost in France like Bonnie Tyler. Maybe she will be played by Bonnie Tyler too!! That would be awesome. For some reason, Gus, Mickney, Agarry and Minty all decide to go on a booze cruise to France – that’s handy what with Mickney suddenly remembering he has a sister in France. What are the chances, etc. Juley turns up too, wearing a snazz suit. I thought we were finished with him forever? The Muppet Brigade can’t get hold of a car, so they “borrow” Ian’s 4x4 which is in for a service at the Arches. Obviously it is going to be wrecked on the trip in some way... so predictable. I don't envy Sarah having to recap all their "haw he haw, ze french, zey eat se foreign food" type shenanigans next week.

This week is mainly about Babs running around and sticking her oar in everywhere. She spends a lot of time with Pat, bickering over cocktails from Pat’s minibar (which now has a pineapple shaped ice bucket – the EE staff are having a lot of fun dressing the sets for Pat’s house) and arguing about the past, the house, Fur-wank etc etc. Pat tells Babs off for not listening to anyone and for being hard on Billy, even though Billy tried his very best to help Sham and Fill. Babs makes her crazy frog type face and later apologises to Billy. Billy also tells her off for not believing that Sham is innocent and for being a rubbish mother. More crazy frog face. Babs appoints a new lawyer for Sham and then starts asking round about Bent Lawyer Marcus so she can track him down and measure him for a concrete overcoat. Tony Bennet says he can’t help her. LadyDen (who spends the whole week making a face like a sad moose) lies and says she doesn’t know anything about him. Babs venomously hisses that if LadyDen can lie about that, she can lie about anything, including MOIDER!! Babs goes to prison again to visit Sham and they have a long conversation, which I miss as I was on the phone. In the end Sham tells Babs the shocking truth about LadyDen.

A policeman who looks like Robin Asquith comes to tell LadyDen that the police have released O-Den’s rotting carcass and they can do what they want with it. Shazza takes charge of the "arrangements" and whenever she asks LadyDen if she wants to help, LadyDen says she is not bothered, and advises Shazza to look at her face, which is not bothered. Denman also does not want to help and spends the whole week running around looking tortured while Shazza sighs at him and makes sad faces. So many sad faces this week. Poline helps Shazza and makes lots of snide remarks about the rest of them being so useless. Her and Dot both try and browbeat Denman into helping/supporting Shazza, but he keeps sulking and flouncing off. They want to hold a wake in the Vic, but LadyDen makes the sad moose face and thinks it is inappropriate. They all browbeat her into it anyway. Lee is supportive, yet boring.

The funeral comes around and is kind of what you'd expect, with lots of people making sarcastic remarks about O-den being a bastard, only to discover that Shazza or LadyDen is standing right behind them. Doh. Apparently Vickney is “too upset” to come to the funeral. Too FIRED, more like. LadyDen wears a tight black top with white lacy trim that emphasises her rack, for a change. Pat appears to be dressed up as a lunar landing module. Denman does not show up at the funeral but Babs does, fresh from visiting Sham in jail and wearing an inappropriately festive red jacket. She starts yelling that LadyDen is a murderer and that Sham is innocent and gives LadyDen a big smack in the face, causing her to fall into the grave on top of O-Den’s coffin. Hahaha, classic. I love it when EE is really OTT and melodramatic. It would be even better if Den’s zombie withered claws burst through the coffin lid and grabbed her but we can’t have everything I suppose.

Back at the Vic, Lee is probing LadyDen (eww, not like that) about Bab’s comments and it looks like LadyDen is about to confess all, but then they are interrupted. Babs is downstairs, cruising for more catfight action, so LadyDen goes downstairs to have a Dramatic Confrontation. Babs repeats her accusations, so LadyDen says “Sham would say that, wouldn’t she. I know you’re just trying to do the best for your family so I’ll let you off, but I DIDN’T KILL O-DEN!!!”

Babs makes her swear that to Shazza’s face, which LadyDen does. Babs sits in a corner and mutters evilly to Billy – she decides that the Slaters are up to something and decides to target Jojo re their alibi for LadyDen. Meanwhile, Shazza lectures Denman for not being supportive for about an hour, in a really insipid mild voice that makes it feel as though my brains are leaking from my ears. Denman runs off again but, surprise surprise, he actually goes to stand by O-Den’s grave. He starts to cry and the camera mercifully pulls back to spare us the embarrassing sight of him trying to act.

SLATER VS SLATER, PART MMMMCXXXVIII
Hello everyone, I'm back from a holiday in Estonia and Finland – yes, the homeland of the moomintroll!

So, Babs tuts around and criticises Pat’s housekeeping skillz and taste in interior design. She even buys a tasteful print to replace the portrait of a 1970s lady in a floppy hat that Pat has in the living room. The last straw comes when Pat buys a gold plastic cocktail bar that looks like it has fallen off Las Vegas and installs it in the living room. Babs starts moaning that Pat is ruining her house but Pat is not happy to take advice on taste from a woman wearing a wig that looks like an exotic albino cockerel. They bicker a bit and then make up. Babs offers to move into a hotel but Pat says she can stay. I notice that Babs is wearing a top with some kind of tie/cord hanging down the back – I bet if you pull the cord she will say one of her six catchphrases like ”Call yourself a Mitchell?” or “Wos going on here?” etc.

Billy has gone missing after writing Loser on the wall in lipstick (I assume it’s Pat’s lipstick?) and Pat is a bit worried. It turns out he has just gone to visit Sham in HMP Lakeland Plastics Detention Centre and Rounders Training Institute. He says that his life is rubbish and he will take the rap for Sham. Sham tells him not to be daft and comments that it is good they are not proper Mitchells as the proper Mitchells (Babs, Fill, Gwant) are all super annoying. Billy cheers up a bit but then spends the rest of the day staggering round making mean faces and drinking heavily.

LadyDen is feeling down and thinks that the Vic is full of ghoulish murder-hounds. No change there then. Lee suggests they run a karaoke night to cheer her up and show everyone that it is business as usual. He talks her into it, defends her when Babs and Shazza stick their oars in and does the flyers etc. Perhaps Lee could add “must retrieve my balls from LadyDen’s handbag” to his lengthy “to do” list. The karaoke has a special “romantic couples” theme, under strict orders of the BBC Dramatic Irony Dept.

Moomin says she has to stay in and do work but then Naomi comes round and they start drinking wine and discussing dialectical materialism (or something). Martin is cross. Martin has also been working out lately, it seems.

It is Davetta’s last day before she has to go back to Poshworthy Academy for Young Ladies with Complicated Backstories. She plots a night in with Jojo but Tony Bennett discovers them drinking ETina’s wine and listening to young person’s music that I don’t recognise. They think he is going to tell them off but actually he has set up a little VIP area for them in the club with a velvet rope and a gofer etc. How sweet. He even insists that Jojo stays.

It is time for Demi to go back to school. Dasbo tries to put her off to no avail. Some kids on the bus call her a crack head, which is better than being called a crack whore, I suppose.

Ian has to go to a catering conference in Bournemouth, Sodom of the South West. Panto Jane moans that they never go on holiday (which is surprising for an aspirational little twerp like Beale) so Ian arranges for her to come down to see him for the weekend after the conference is over and without the kids. Saucy shenanigans and “shot calling” ahoy!

Yolande finds out that Poline had a salsa lesson alone with Straight Pike and teases her about it. Poline doesn’t want anyone else to find out, but the instructor who looks like the lead singer of Placebo grasses them up, so now Pat and Mo know as well. They all go to the pub on karaoke night and the other three leave Poline and Straight Pike sat alone and keep winking and smirking at them and making “you’re in!” gestures. Trinidad makes a few “Macbeth” jokes. Poline makes Vulcan type faces and eventually strops off so Martin goes after her. He says that she can shag every man in East London if she likes, as long as he doesn’t have to hear about it, and that she should choose life and let her hair down etc. Poline goes back to chat with Straight Pike.

Most of this week is about the Fool/Drippy/Slutty love triangle, which feels like it has been going on since the end of the last ice age. Slutty (aka lead singer of “Anthony and the Johnsons”) and Fool are acting all lovey dovey, while Drippy runs around in a grey cardigan and flinches a lot. Slutty keeps spending the night at Fool’s and he asks her to move over properly. Kids are discussed. Slutty doesn’t want to rush into anything and Fool decides to let her know that he understands through the medium of song (ie he will sing “We have all the time in the world”) at the karaoke. Slutty tells her family that her and Fool are back together and they are so excited that they decide to defrost a special joint of meat to celebrate. Drippy does all she can to avoid going to the dinner but is roped in anyway. Slutty suspects that something is amiss.

The fateful karaoke night comes around and Slutty and Fool duet with the Louis Armstrong song. Everyone is having a nice time when Billy shows up, appearing to be quite “relaxed”. He tries to sing “I will survive” (this and the mystery lipstick lead me to suspect that they are leading up to a “billy is a big gay” storyline) and then launches a rambling speech to congratulate the happy couple on their relationship – everyone thinks he is going to say Slutty and Fool but of course he says Drippy and Fool instead. Fool does an excellent “deer in the headlights” look (note: this is the only time I will be praising his acting this week). Then there is a hilarious slo mo shot of the microphone falling to the ground and some shakey cam and weird muffled roaring noises while Slutty and Drippy tussle in the distance. WTF? I didn’t realise they were getting David Lynch in to direct an episode. Slutty literally drags Drippy home while Billy and Alfie have to face the wrath of Vigilante Cabby Charlie (it is ages since he yelled “I’m just trying to protect my gels.” Go Charlie!). Billy falls over and cuts his head, so Fool goes upstairs to take care of him. Everyone else decides to stay in the Vic and see who survives the ensuing carnage.

Fool and Billy have a two hander. Billy speaks entirely in boxing metaphors and Fool is phoning it in so I stop paying attention.

Slutty smashes up the kitchen – any excuse for a trip to Ikea – and Drippy runs off and throws herself onto her bed and starts crying. Slutty yells that Drippy has to come downstairs if it is true, otherwise she can stay in her room. Drippy creeps downstairs and Slutty sobs a bit and then pulls herself together. They have a two hander as well. Basically it goes: Slutty: “How could you betray me?” Drippy: “Sorry” Slutty: “ I hate you and your goody-two-shoes ways” Drippy “You are a selfish cow who always wants to be the centre of attention. What about me? Meeee! I wanted to be happy after Trevor and Billy and Graham etc” Slutty: “My life sucks and you have just made it suck even more.” Drippy: “Doh!” We learn that Drippy has not Done It with a man since she was raped. Drippy pops back upstairs for another cry and Slutty simmers. Fool comes in and it is two hander time again.

Slutty: “Way to entirely ruin my life by knocking off my sister, if only I had though to bang Backstreet when he was still around!” Fool: “mumble mumble”. Slutty: “Seriously, why did you do it?” Fool: “She reminds me of you, but is less orange!”

Slutty is pretty good in this episode. Fool: not so much

Drippy pops downstairs for a chat and then goes back to cry again. Fool manages to convince Slutty that he is sorry and that it was all ovah with Drippy and they have a quick shag on the kitchen table. Meanwhile Drippy listens to that insipid music/jewellery box thing that Fool gave her for a bit, before symbolically locking it away in a drawer, along with her SHATTERED DREAMS!!! After they have finished rutting like animals, Fool lives up to his name and thinks that everything is back to normal but Slutty is acting all brittle and weird and keeps going on about his relationship with Drippy: Slutty: “Why didn’t you sleep with her” Fool: “Because the EE writing staff are obsessed with virgin/whore dichotomies!” (not really) Slutty: “I bet she said no at first and you kept pestering her. I could see why you’d want to shag her but just having a chaste romance means you must think I have no personality”. Fool: “mumble mumble”.

Slutty starts talking about love and recalls the birth of Teen and how much she loved the baby when she was first born. She talk about how devastated she was when Mr and Mrs Charlie took the baby away and how she thought she was going to die of sadness until Drippy got into bed with her and gave her a hug. She says that if she gets back together with Fool she will break Drippy’s heart and Drippy will suffer every day she sees them together, and that she loves her too much to do that to her. Therefore Fool, you are dumped. Smell ya later, loser. Fool mutters “no… no…” but sadly does not fall on his knees and scream “Noooooooo!!!!!” It is quite a cheesy story but Slutty sells it with her Acting Powers. I even almost feel a stirring of emotion in my black withered heart. Slutty goes upstairs and gets into bed with Drippy and puts her arms round her. Awww.

RETURN OF THE FIVE FOOT WIG
Missed a couple because it was my turn to put Baby Ceej to bed, but I'll try and do a quickie update for you all.

Billy's sad because he doesn't think he did enough for Sham. Sham's sad because she's in Lakeland Prison for Bad Girls and they're making her play on the rounders team. Sham's shoddy solicitor suggests that she should plead manslaughter due to diminished responsibility, or lack of adequate brain power to operate a concrete mixer, but Sham protests that she is telling the truth and LadyDen is the proper murderer. Nobody has bothered to mention that the whole "accessory to a murder/assisting in burying murdered person/not going to the police" thing carries a jail sentence too. Sham makes a tearful phone call to Billy, begging him to break her out or something, but Billy tells her she needs her family around her hint hint. Sham says: "Don't you dare tell my mum, she'll go mad and ground me for the rest of my life..." Um, right, and prison's better. Billy gets a cheque for £25k from Pat to help Sham fight her corner. Hope she's writing it off as a tax loss or something.

Meanwhile LadyDen and Lee are making up for lost shagging time. Shazza pouts and says: "how could you? It's like dancing on my father's grave". LadyDen: "Um..yes? He was a bastard, you know..." Shazza: sad. Come on love, it's not like you've never grieved for your dead dad before.

Denman turns Cute Boy Detective and questions various people about The Night That ODen Died. He sensibly points out that Sham would have needed muscles of steel to lift ODen down the stairs into the cellar single-handed, but nobody's listening. Billy's going around the square with a mad look and telling all that LadyDen knows more than she's letting on and that Sham is innocent. Nobody listens, except for the old folk.

Dot gets a pep talk about weakness of mind from JoJo, who appears to be channelling Ayn Rand these days, but tells Dot that who needs to drive when they've got a free bus pass anyway. Dot passes her test after the tester (Martin Bashir) makes encouraging noises. Sweet sherries all round at the Vic.

Keef decides to get tough with Demi and refuses to tend to crying Cute Baby Aleesha. Demi picks up Aleesha and everything is alright again. She decides to go back to school and face the yeahbutnobutyeahbut jokes.

Slutty makes a last ditch attempt to get Fool back, but Fool ditches her. She then decides to leave the square forevah, and Fool feels his sad face returning. Drippy in the meantime, is practically packing Slutty's bags for her and telling her that a new life in Spain is just what she needs to cure a broken heart. She also witters on about 'magic' and stuff. Ethel 2.0 comments about magic not being anywhere near as fun as a damn good seeing-to. Fool changes his mind after seeing Slutty coming home pissed and unruly, and falls in love with Slutty all over again. Then he has to dump Drippy. She should have got the hint when he sat her down on Loser's Bench. He does that thing where he brushes the hair from her face, but Drippy slaps his hand away and says tightly that it's probably for the best, and flees. Fool: sad, but not for long.

MMartin can't join in with Moomin and Naomi's interleckshual conversations, and sits around burping. Moomin: cross. Poline ends up having a salsa lesson with only Derek 2.0 for a partner. Derek 2.0 and Catford Carlos check out Poline's arse as she leaves and smile knowingly. Do men really do that?

Sham's cracking up in chokey, but the Nurse Ratched-style prison officer tells her to brush her hair and come out to see her special visitor. Yes, you've guessed it. She's taking a holiday from running Grunt's chain of Brazilian shaving shops or whatever, she's got a new wig, and she's back to sort her daughter out. It's BABS!

Babs tells Sham that killing ODen shows that she's a proper Mitchell, and all she needs to do now is set fire to something or have an affair with a sibling's spouse and she's up there with Fill and Grunt on the Mitchell pedestal. Sham's brain returns and she decides that it's best not to argue. Babs returns to the square and tells everybody in the market that none of them are Mitchells, then bustles into the Vic to have a pop at Grieving Shazza about her dad. Shazza perks up for a second to shout back, and Denman takes cover. Everybody cheers the strange shouty little old lady. No they don't. They look a bit scared. Oh for god's sake. Two are prison (including the one we quite like), and the other is poncing around trying to direct Casualty. What's to fear?

GOTTERDENARUNG
Missed the first 20 minutes or so but St Nancy Banks-Smith says that Shazza and Denman's nuptials go off without too many hitches. Apart from the little matter of Sham stealing Arfur's pickaxe (on an allotment? Or was he on the chain gang when he was in chokey, and the guards let him keep it as a souvenir?), knocking out poor Silent Tracey ("Er...Ouch!"), and digging up ODen. Well, not all of Den, obviously, just enough to reveala black slip-on shoe (loafers don't say 'ODen' to me, but hey...) for the arresting officer to spot. Back at the station, Sham exchanges her Lara Croft gear for a white jumpsuit, and chats merrily with DI Cheferton and his colleague, who looks a bit like Angie Bowie.

Ladyden is wearinq a green wrap dress that gives me a worse headache than a roomful of Bridget Rileys. She wears it all week. Shazza somehow manages to smuggle out her standard off-the-shoulder black top and jeans, but maybe it’s part of LadyD’s cunning plan to avoid arrest. Denman growls at a younger-than-humanly-possible policeman, saying that he knows it’s ODen but he just wants to make sure. PC Spotty says that ODen isn’t actually recognisable. Denman says: “I don’t care. He was my dad and I need to tell my wife that he’s dead because he was her dad too…err…Look, I hated him anyway. Grrr!”

Everybody shuffles around awkwardly at the street party, until Shazz puts her wedding outfit back on (three paper doilies sewn together and it makes her look like Pregnant Britney. Not. A. Good. Thing.), and insists that everybody rejoices on her wedding day. Drippy goes with Tracey to the hospital, and Billy tries to get Tracey not to press charges. Tracey gives him a “what, and lose another speaking gig?”-look. Billy rushes around looking stricken and trying to find a lawyer with a 40-foot barge pole. Slutty glares at LadyDen and leaves vaguely threatening phone messages for Sham.

DS McHunk seems to have moved on, so DI Cheferton and Angie Bowie take over the interrogation. At first Sham is all “well, it wasn’t me, it was LadyDen. She forced me to bury him and dance on his grave in a sinister midnight ritual”. Then the coppers start bringing up minor inconsistencies in her story (the txt message from beyond the grave, etc), and she can’t yell: “IT WAS THE SCRIPTWRITERS! THEY MADE ME DO IT!” LadyDen breaks into Sham’s flat and plants ODen’s moby in her knicker drawer or something, and then chuckles evilly when she notices bloodstains from the Doorstop of Doom in the kitchen cupboard. Poor Sham! That is where slatternly behaviour lands you, my girl. In prison, in a white paper jumpsuit.

Cheferton and Angie bring LadyDen for questioning but she just repeats: “ODen was a bastard and Sham hates him to the point of insanity” over and over again. I think she’s waiting to be rescued by slightly useless hunting folk or the artist formerly known as Prince or something.

The police come looking for Teen, but the Slaters cheerfully admit to not having seen or heard hide nor hair from her for months. JoJo supplies LadyDen with an alibi that contradicts Sham’s story. After the police have gone, Rainman bellows angrily and tells Slutty and JoJo that Honesty is the Slater way, and that he wants to know why they’re shielding Teen. Slutty and JoJo look incredulous. Drippy looks slightly guilty. They decide to while away the hours by throwing a birthday party for Cute Baby Freddie.

Meanwhile the police have worn Sham down by giving her a grey sweatshirt and denying access to a mirror. Sham cracks and decides to tell them the whole truth, right from the beginning, with Teen’s involvement and everything. Oh dear. She’d probably be better off in prison than out and about with Slutty looking for revenge.

Shazza looks terrible. I mean, awful. She mooches around the bar, clutching her wedding presents and sighing loudly about ODen. She accuses Denman of being happy that ODen is dead. Denman: “Ummm…yes? He was a bastard and I hated him, remember?” Shazza gets another Freudian cob on, and Denman is left wondering if he really should have just stuck with Teen and her Denspawn…

DIAL DEN FOR MOIDER! PT 1
I missed large chunks of last week's eps because I wasn't on duty, but here's the gist.

Naomi is dangerous, with her faaancy intellectual nursing talk and visits to art galleries. Moomin falls under her bluestocking spell while Martin glowers until his eyebrows meet his nostrils.

Sham stops washing her hair and puts on the mad eyes every time Ladyden hoves into view. She fails to turn up for work, so caring Ian Beale says: "Get back behind that fryer or you're fired, bitch". Ladyden walks in on some fools' errand (oh yes, the food list for the White Wedding-uh), and Sham is rude to her. Ian sacks Sham. What this place needs is an employment lawyer. They'd clean up in tribunal work. Billy tries to tell everyone that Sham isn't mad, but then she goes around shouting that Ladyden is EEEEVIL, so even Denman thinks she's a bit cracked. And he should know, he is marrying Freud's worst nightmare after all.

Ladyden's cunning plan to sell the Vic is rumbled, and she offers first refusal to Shazz and Denman, who are pathetically grateful, even if Sham is screaming: "She's taking you for prize mugs!" at them.

Meanwhile, Fool is subjected to more of Ethel's tests as he continues to dither between Slaters. Ethel 2.0 pretends that she's poorly. Drippy comes over to look after her and makes her some vegetable soup while Ethel half-heartedly dandles wee Bobby. Fool pulls a soppy face and the nation yawns. Later Slutty turns up with a box of cakes and starts fiddling suggestively with cream horn. Fool gets frisky, but then suddenly remembers that he told Ian that very morning that Drippy was the only woman for him, and backs off. Slutty: cross. Fool: sad. Me: boredboredbored!

Davetta returns from GCSE exile and remarks on how nice the house looks after the fire. Tony B says: "Don't mention the fire. How many A's are you going to get in your GCSEs, young lady?"
Davetta: "Don't mention exams. Can I go and play with Stacey now?" Tony B: "No, I didn't send you to St Custards Seminary for Wayward Young Ladies so that you could consort with common little trollopes like the Slaters. Now eat your lunch and then ETina will take you shopping." Davetta sneaks away and reunites with JoJo in the caff. Slutty lets them play with her makeup and does their nails. Davetta gets 15 A's and 1 B for Needlework or something. TB says she can see JoJo. Hurrah! The skanky teen tearaways are back!

Fool decides to dump Slutty properly over a drink in the nightclub. But just as he's about to start licking Slutty's foot and tell her that it's ovah, Sham calls Slutty to tell her that she's off to confess all at Walford Nick. Slutty shakes Fool off and dashes out, intercepting Sham in the station car park. Sham looks all serene and batty, but Slutty warns her that if Teen gets called back, terrible things will happen.

Demi returns from orspital and sits on the sofa, ignoring Aleesha and hating everyone. About time she started acting like a normal teenager