WATTS REUNITED
Denman mopes around the B&B. The rest of the Wattseses mope around their house. Shazza and Vickney are sad about Mark. O-Den: not so much. Now it seems that O-Den wants Denman to move back in with them but Shazza doesn't. It's a topsy turvy world and no mistake. Denman comes round squealing that he wants to speak to Shazza but she won't speak to him. Denman melodramatically dumps his keys and says he is leaving FOREVAH!!!

Poline hangs up the phone and moans that Michelle isn't coming back for the funeral. It later turns out that she spent a couple of weeks with Mark recently and just wants to remember him like that. I thought they didn't let people with AIDS into the US? Maybe they met in international waters or something. Lots of people come round and drink tea and are nice to Poline etc.

Juley is being an annoying bastard so Kellay says that either he goes or she does. Gus tells Juley off and Juley says he will make an effort but then goes and puts a bag of make up in with laundry and ruins loads of Kellay's clothes. How is it even possible to do that? Maybe Juley is actually blind - it would explain that outfit he is wearing. Gus is ready to chuck Juley out but then they start talking about a death in their family and Gus can't do it. Kellay says she is moving out then.

Bealemeister tries to ask Kyert out for a meal or a drink but she says no. Ian asks for love advice from O-Den who tells him to just be himself. That would be good advice for anyone apart for Ian.

Charlie continues to "rain man" around the arches. This time he throws away an engine that A-Garrry is working on.

Martin goes to register the death at the town hall. He says he is taking a number 12 bus but I thought that went to Penge or Dulwich or somewhere? He goes AWOL so Pike gets out his tracking device and sets off to find him. The funeral is on Thursday.

Dot is nice to Denman but then Shazza comes in so Denman runs away. Dot makes Shazza sit down and tells her to appreciate her family before they are dead like Mark.

Denman goes to work for Andy and they exchange non-witty non-banter. Byrite has a hilariously misjudged speech where first of all he implies that him, Denman and shazza are in a love triangle ("you bounced between care homes and prison, between me and sharon...") and then describes himself as "Dorothy" and Denman as a cowardly lion. "Friend of Dorothy" more like - Andy is the gayest gangster ever! If he was ever in a "Reservoir Dogs" style heist his codename would be Mr Chartreuse or something. Eventually Denman is told to go and beat up Fool. Denman looks dead eyed, yet adorable, and skips off to obey. Fool is nervous and is obviously expecting to be fed a knuckle sandwitch in the near future. He goes to hide upstairs and Denman follows him up. Fool doesn't think that Denman is the beater-upper until Denman puts on a pair of really gay black leather gloves and grabs Fool by the throat. He waves his fist in Fool's face for half an hour before saying that he can't do it and sitting down to sulk. Fool aks him to beat him up a little bit so that no-one else beats him up properly later. Denman just leaves.

Gay Pike uses his GPS tracker to find Martin in the allotment. Martin is playing with dirt - maybe he is looking for some of that reefer he grew last summer - I wouldn't blame him. It turns outhe is trying to get some dirt from the allotment to put on Mark's grave - he seems to be making hard work of it though. He says he registered the death and cried in the registry office. Pike comforts him and helps him collect dirt.

Denman goes and tells Andy that he can't be a criminal any more now that he has a family (and a hot crypto-sister). He says that he knows Andy is hurtin' after Slutty dumped him but that all he has to do is love people and buy a kitten or something and then he will never want to do crime again. Byrite says he likes being a criminal and that he has a snazzy car and chicks throwing themselves at him etc (actually you just have Sham throwing herself at you, so shut up Byrite). Fool comes round so he can get his beating over an ddone with and Denman pleads with andy not to do it. Andy pretends to agree but then as soon as Fool and Denman leave he sends a Brand New Heavy to rearrange Fool's face. Later on Slutty sees Fool coming out of the bathroom a with a few little cuts and scratches on his face (maybe the heavy threw a ninja kitten at him) and demands to know what is going on.

Shazza finds Denman and begs him to come home. They discuss loving each other ina non-pervy way. In the end they go home and watch telly with O-Den and Vickney. Shazza and Vickney smile simperingly. The end. That was a wierd episode - all the timing and pacing felt off somehow...

GIMME GIMME GIMME A MANDY AFTER MIDNIGHT
Pike and Mandy show up at Poline's cell and Mandy runs off sharpish when he realises that there is a bad family trip going down. In the manner of teenagers all over the world, Martin makes Mark's death all about him. Like, "You knew he was going to die and you didn't tell me! That's, like so unfair Mum!" He whinges on for hours about how Poline wishes he was dead instead of Mark and that Poline thinks he fucks up all the time. He does an impression of Poline, saying "Go to your room, Martin! Shut up, Martin!" Yes, why don't you shut up, Martin? Poline asks if he wanted to find out about Mark's health before or after he was sent to prison and then went on a 1950's crime rampage. Pike tells him to calm down and Martin tells him to fuck off and keep out of proper Fowler family business. In the end Martin runs away and Pike goes off to find him.

Having realised that DYING IS SAD, Jim tells Sonia how proud he is of her and her career etc. Bless.

Yolande tells Trini-dad off for not knowing any of the "Mister and missis" answers about her and says she knows lots of boring trivia about Trini-dad because she lurves him proper. She goes off to get a coffee. Trini-dad is sad.

Martin is walking on a beach like the teen rebel that he is. Not. Pike drives up behind him, making me wonder if they have had Martin electronically tagged so they can track his movements. Pike tells him to chill his boots and go back to be with Poline. Martin acts all arsey and continues with the "you're not my gay dad!" business. He shouts at Pike and then bitch slaps him. Yikes. He taunts Pike to do something to stop him so Pike punches Martin in the stomach. Excellent! - I love Pike and will never say anything mean about him ever again. Possibly. Martin squeals "I'll kill you!" but Pike tells him it is OK to be angry. Martin cries and Pike hugs him. At some point they have a discussion where Pike explains that sometimes people tell lies to spare people's feelings - which Martin thinks is bad and wrong, but I have got the chronology all mixed up...

Martin goes and sits with Poline. Poline is v sad and reminisces about Mark. She tells Martin that he was never the "wrong son" but that she can't bear to have outlived one of her kids. Good work from Wendy Richards there.

Pike goes to see Mandy and says he has to go back to Walford with Poline. Mandy understands and doesn't try to make Pike stay. They chalk it down as a holiday romance and say goodbye (without even hugging or kissing. Whatever). Farewell Mandy, you came and you gave without taking. Or something.

Trini-dad tracks down to Yolande to a crappy looking cafe and wants to talk to her. She acts all disdainful until Trini-dad reels off the answers to the Mister and missis questions and thus proves that he lurves her proper. All the people in the caff clap cornily as Trini-dad proposes and Yolande accepts. That was relatively painless compared to the 100 years it took for Fool to propose to Slutty. Later on Trini-dad asks Jim to be his best man.

Martin thanks Moomin for being a good friend and putting up with his egregious behaviour, then him, Pike and Poline drive home. I guess they are taking Moomin's car and Moomin is going to drive the big people carrier? Is she up for that? Is the insurance all valid? I am thinking about this too much.

Final lame subplot resolution. Dot reminisces about celebrating Mark being born and says she just sat in the corner and she wishes she had made a bigger deal of it. They are in the peach ruched ball room and Dot is wearing a coat buttoned up to the neck so I think we can all guess what is going to happen. She says she has learnt her very own "DYING IS SAD" lesson and never wants to be repressed again. She melodramatically rips off her coat and of course she is wearing the vile pink dress. It is horrid and makes Dot look like she has man-hands. They dance and when Jim compliments Dot she actually returns the compliment instead of moaning at him.

I wonder if anything will ever result from Poline dancing with that bloke?

The Fowlers get home and Martin goes out to get some milk. A few "Martin is sad while life goes on" shots. Pat appears and light heartedly berates Martin for not opening the stall. Martin says that Mark is dead and Pat kind of twitches and then asks what she can do. Ha ha. Pat is a goddess but that was the lamest reaction ever. Pat says she will spread the word and also stop people from hassling Poline for the time being.

When Martin gets home he tells a white lie that Mark left a message saying he loved his mum. Pike nods approvingly, all gay jedi master. Poline is touched.

Ok, that was actually quite touching and sad. They still shouldn't make Martin do proper acting though, it isn't fair on him or us. Everyone else was pretty good though.

Also, on a frequently played new eastenders promo, Andy rhetorically asks if Slutty is "cheap". Not as cheap as your nasty suits, mate....

THIS MARKY'S GONE TO HEAVEN
Moomin activates her powers and her expert medical knowledge to find out exactly what Mark died of and when. Somehow, even though he was supposed to be Travelling The World, he managed to kick the bucket in Walford General only minutes before Poline's banshee began to howl. Moomin says that Mark died of something cancerous. Martin goes: "Hunh? But he was HIV positive! And he ate vegetables! How could he die of cancer?" You can see why 'Shell doesn't want to leave Florida, can't you? Martin wants to know why the doctors couldn't find a cure for cancer RIGHT NOW and treat him with their magick powers. That's medical negligence, that is. He continues panicking all over the place, forcing poor Moomin to drive on a motorway about ten minutes after she has passed her test, and being utterly vile. They catch a flat tyre on an unfeasibly snowy hillside in Sussex - or maybe they took the wrong turning at Purley and ended up in the Himalayas. Martin screams and shouts and generally gives poor Moomin a very hard time. Moomin naturally doesn't drive off and leave him stranded halfway up K2 like a normal person, but buys him a cup of coffee and does lots of affirming stuff...and changes a flat tyre too. Mug.

Meanwhile, back at Stalag-Pontins, a whole night's "talking" with Rob has reminded Gay Pike why he could never love a man who looks and sounds like Peter Mandelson. Rob tries to persuade Gay Pike to stick around so they can tour the lovely town of Hartlepool together and catch up with each other. Gay Pike decides that Hartlepool is infinitely better than being Poline's bitch and says yes.

Jim wakes up in a fairground ride and does his comedy hangover. Dot discovers TriniDad has been sleeping next to her. Yolande wakes alone (she probably threatened to walk out if they made her sleep with Jim). She goes over to Dot's cell, where TriniDad is hotfooting it out of the window, right in front of Jim. It degenerates from there into something that makes a Whitehall farce look like Beckett. To cut a long story short. Jim and TriniDad fight like old blokes. Dot and Yolande purse their lips. Moomin walks in on the whole thing like a lost vicar and looks shocked.

Martin finds Poline, who has been pacing the room restlessly since the banshee started howling. She's expecting Gay Pike and Mandy to announce their deep deep love for each other, but instead she gets pale, trembling Martin. Martin tells her about Mark and once again Wendy Richard does an impressive job. She lets slip that she knew that Mark was going to die anyway, but Martin didn't know this apparently. Martin: confused. And sad. And angry.

MURDER ON THE DANCEFLOOR
Rob turns out to be the bloke that Pike left his wife for (maybe, I wasn't really paying attention as the actor playing Rob is really annoying and over-acktorly and got on my nerves). Poline makes some snitty remarks about not being Pike's wife and leaves them to chat. She dances with Blokey a bit (was he Egg's dad in This Life? I am sure I recognise him from somewhere) and then goes to bed.

Rob and Pike go and have a boring talk. Poetry is quoted. It turns out that Pike left Rob with no explanation and has never spoken to him since. Rob still loves Pike (cough*co-dependent*cough) but Pike is still scared of his inner gaylordery and refuses to let himself go. They wander round and talk for hours and hours.

Jim and Trinidad get drunk and moan about their ungrateful women. It can be summarised thus: "why can't a woman be more like a man" and then "can't live with them, can't live without them."

Yolande and Dot moan about their useless menfolk and dance with each with snooty expressions on their faces.

It turns out that Jim entered T'n'Y into a lame "Mister and Missis" style competition before the row (Dot: "What have you been and gorn and done, Jim Branning?"). They are dragged up on stage and asked lame questions about favourite colours etc. Trinidad mutters "I don't know anything about this crazy wench". Yolande runs away crying. I am also crying. Because I am so bored.

Pike and Rob: blah blah blah blah blah blah.

Back at the 'ford, Martin waits for Sonia. I think you'd better put that bottle of asti back in the fridge, mate. In the end he strops off to the offy to buy some tins and Backstreet mentions that he saw Moomin going into an indian restaurant. Martin storms off and finds her with cute male nurse and some other nurses who don't get any lines. Sonia follows him outside and they argue about Sonia going out with her friend. Actually it was pretty inconsiderate of Sonia not to let Martin know what she was doing. Martin then moans that he doesn't like fancy new Sonia who wears ugly New Look clothes and is on a diet, etc. Sonia says she is not going back to being frumpy old school fat Sonia, whom everyone pitied. They split up.

In their room, Yolande looks at the dress and says that Jim meant well and was trying to bring out another side of Dot - the Barbie obsessed, drag queen side? Dot agrees that maybe buying her a dress is not the worst thing that Jim could have done. Yolande thinks about forgiving Trinidad. They go to bed.

Jim and Trinidad "entertain" us with their drunk "acting". It is very boring. They talk bollocks for hours and end up accidentally swapping keys. Trinidad stumbles into bed with Dot. Oh, my sides they are splitting. With this hilarity you are really spoiling us, Mr scriptwriter.

Pike goes back to Rob's chalet to spend the night "drinking port and talking". So that's what the young people are calling it nowadays? You go with your bad self, Pike.

Poline is woken at 2.30 am by some wolves howling or a banshee's eldritch cry or something. The curse of the Fowlers has struck again! When she looks at her clock there is a big photo of Mark in shot, so I think we can all guess what has happened.

Martin is sulking at home. There is a phone call for Poline but Martin says he is her son and gets the news instead. It makes him go all lip-trembly and sad. He runs round to Sonia's and bangs on the door - when she lets him in he tells her that Mark is dead.

JUST ONE DAY OUT OF LIFE, IT SHOULD BE, IT SHOULD BEEEE SO NICE
The oldsters (Poline and pike, Dot and Jim, Trinidad and Yolande) are getting ready for their Club 80-130 break. Pike has produced a giant shiny renault espace type vehicle from somewhere to drive them all to the holiday camp. While they are packing, Trinidad shows Bad Brotha the engagement ring he has bought for Yolande. Let's just say Liberace would complain that it was overstated. Yolande overhears them talking about the proposal and acts all smug. Poline moans at Pike because he is taking some books to read on holiday. Moomin has gone ker-azy with the curling tongs. Jim shows her a heinous barbie pink shiny dress that he has bought as a surprise for Dot.

Poline and Dot both flap around about leaving Martin and Moomin alone and then they drive off. Moomin has her driving test and Martin wishes her luck and says he is looking forward to a weekend of sweet loving, sexy mama. Moomin passes her driving test (maybe the driving examiner took pity on her wack hair and vile, germolene coloured anorak) but then has to go to work. Martin prepares a healthy low calory meal (and it is very nice to see a boy cooking on EE without it turning into a shite non comedy subplot of ineptitude). Backstreet tries to tempt Martin into holding a party at theirs but Martin just wants to spend time with Moomin. At the hospital a cute male nurse says that Sonia is "needed" ... ruh roh.

The oldsters stop at a service station. Jim and Trinidad have a go on a DanceDance Revolution style arcade game ("your moves are extraordinary"!) while Dot and Yolande cringe in embarrassment. Dot and Yolande discuss the proposal. Meanwhile Poline flirts outrageously with the first middle aged man who holds a door open for her. Slut. Sadly he is with another woman. Pike moans a bit about being Poline's bitch all the time.

They arrive at Kamp Pontins-Luft XIII. Pike is left to do all the checking in etc while everyone else swans around and ogles nubile bathing beauties (Trinidad and Jim) or the middle aged mr-big-from-sex-and-the-city looking entertainments manager (poline, who is OUT OF CONTROL this episode). They go to their rooms, which look like cells in a progressive young offenders institute, and Jim shows the vile dress to Dot. Dot says she never likes being the centre of attention and tells him to take it back, but then regrets her harsh words. Jim is sad. Meanwhile, Dot and Pike have been booked accidentally into a double room. Pike moans some more about being Polines bitch and says "I'm not your husband, yo!"

Pike sits in his room and reads while the others go dancing. There is a ballroom dancing competition which Dot refuses to enter, for now... The ballroom is lined with peach ruched satin and has a man playing a wurlitzer on a stage. It is the tenth circle of hell, people. Dot and Jim are not really talking after the dress debacle (fyi, dot is wearing a navy blue dress with a white sailors collar - you are not a japanese choolgirl, dot!). Jim has a chance to moan to Trinidad about marraige being shit and relays a garbled version of dot & yolande's conversation which makes it sound as though Yolande is anti-marraige. trinidad has to rethink his proposal technique. poline appears in a black trouser suit with glittery highlights. What a surprise, the man from the service station is there too. An elderly Mr-Burns-from-the-Simpsons lookalike asks Poline to dance. The man from the service station (I have totally forgotten his characters name so I will call him Blokey for now) cuts in and Mr Burns is left sulking on the sidelines muttering "release the hounds, smithers" to no avail. Blokey says he is there with his sister (crypto incest alert!) and flirts with Poline. I think someone is getting lucky tonight...

Trinidad proposes to Yolande (who is wearing a totally OTT plum coloured ball gown, btw) by saying it will be advantageous for tax and legal purposes. Yolande is sad that he is being so unromantic and says no. Doh.

Mr Burns and blokey start bickering about who gets to dance with Poline. Jesus, they must be desperate. It is just getting to "pistols at dawn" when Rob the entertainments manager steps in to calm them down. At that moment Gay Pike decides to show up and him and Rob recognise each other. Oh my god, Pike has actually shagged someone? It looks like someone else will be getting lucky too... Gay Pike: eunuch no more!

WISH I COULD BE LIKE DENNIS WATTS
Double recap today:

Ash has got a horse right here (its name is Paul Revere), and it's going to solve all their problems. He fondles the cash takings (hey guys... ever heard of banks?) and spends hours standing outside the bookies', twitching. Adull finds him, fails to put two and two together (why else would anybody buy the Daily Mail if it wasn't for the racing?), and announces that he has made a grand from selling Dadvis's rhinestone suit and Elvis crap. There's more stuff about Kareena and The Ferreira Emerald of Destiny...anyway, Ash doesn't put the money on Paul Revere so everything is fine. Next.

Den's doing girly running around the square. Backstreet joins him for a second to talk about getting fit.

ODen has found a doxy to spend the night with, and gets the Watts women all worried about his whereabouts. He breezes in with an armful of architecty-looking documents (that was quick), and tries to change the subject. Shazz insists that she's staying with Denman, no matter what, and ODen tries the old looney...long line of loonies...argument again. It doesn't work. ODen calls Byrite to offer him the door/drugs franchise if he promises to keep Denman out of Walford. Byrite tells Denman that he will be a roving headcrusher from now on, and starts making arrangements for him to go and beat up some Scottish people. Shazz finds out and tells ODen that she's moving in with Den. If you're wondering what Dot has to say about this, wonder no more. She finds Jim and Shazza dancing in the kitchen and her face puckers up like Lou Reed's when somebody asks him about his smack habit. Denman and Shazza offer to move out to the B&B asap, before finding a flat in Epping. I would have thought a tiny village in Norfolk would be more to their liking.

Dot runs off to find Den, quotes several Bible passages at him (no time to check them out...sorry), and tells him to save his family before it's too late. Den makes another Lou Reed-type face and looks "thoughtful".

Another person doing a lot of "thoughtful" is Slutty. She sees Fool trying to flog his ghastly 80s two-colour leather jacket and a couple of less hideous-than-usual shirts to Kellay, who buys the shirts out of charity. Then she sees him trying to flog his Barron Knights vinyl collection to a bemused DJ Ross. Sham says something about Fool being jealous about Byrite taking her to a posh Dublin hotel. Well, what really happened is that Byrite presented Sham with said weekend, and then told Fool that he was going to pay for it with this week's loan payment which is now due...ummm...now. So, Fool is panicking. Slutty thinks it's because he can't afford a faaancy weekend in Dublin (overrated, if you ask me), so she uses his loan money to buy the shirts back off Kellay. Fool goes "D'oh!" and tries to explain to Byrite. Byrite books him a headcrushing appointment with Denman, and exits, laughing demonically. Really, the man is about as menacing as a goldfish. At least Goldie looked a tiny bit hard, and yes I am talking about the Blue Peter dog.

He's not laughing for long because ODen says he's had a rethink about the door/drugs contract, and the deal's off. Shazz and Denman are snogging in public again, so Byrite gets in a good sneer or two, and buggers off to Dublin (good riddance). ODen gets Denman on his own and apologises for getting him into trouble with Shazz. Denman is suspicious. You can tell he's suspicious because his eyes crinkle up. Eyes still crinkled, they talk some more, and ODen says that Denman doesn't really know what love is because he was fiddled as a child, so he's confusing sisterly love with naughty love in that mixed-up pretty head of his. ODen says he can stay and keep the family together, but only if he loves Shazza as a proper sister, and stops all this crypto-incest nonsense. Denman's entire face crumples quite adorably and he runs off to dump Shazz. Again.

Shazz: sad, but at least she doesn't have to find another job in a 1950s telephone exchange on ITV. And Denman gets to shag Teen. Vickney will be all confused, but there you go.

NC sub-plot. Pat and Mo give up on the diet and eat lard and crisps in the pub.

MMartin cooks a big dinner for Moomin to make up for sulking at her staying out at a party with her faaaancy college mates (Martin, they're NURSES! Get in there, you prat!). But Moomin can't eat it because she's on a diet. They talk about how this diet is the only thing that Moomin feels she has achieved for herself. Yeah, I went "eh?" too. Then Martin produces pudding: triple chocolate profiteroles with extra double cream.

Jim, Yolande and TriniDad persuade Dot to go on holiday to the EE Butlins (called "Jollies" - bet it took three script meetings to come up with that one). Gay Pike says those places are like Sodom and Gomorrah with zimmer frames and wheelchair access. Oh boy.

EDIT: Forgot to mention that Mickney gets sacked for "entertaining" a potential client at the arches overnight, and AGarry hires Charlie to replace him. However, the past few weeks have turned Charlie into Rain Man, and all he's good for is rearranging spanners. Whatever Mickney did for the client turns out to have worked. They get a big "taxi contract" and Mickney is rehired.

CROUCH END TIGER, HIDDEN DENMAN
Sorry about this one being late, folks. Bit of a restless baby thing as well as phone calls during EE screwing the reception.

Mostly a two-hander between Denman (who's been attending Acting School in his lunch break) and Shazza, with interpolations from O-Den and Vickney. Though we are set up for future plot machinations when TriniDad tells Bad Brutha that he wants to marry Yolande...good on yer mate.

Now back to the crypto-incest twins. Shazza storms over to Dot's house to get the truth from Denman. Denman is busy washing his guilt away with cheap vodka bought with Byrite's extortion profits, and looking attractively tousled. Shazza hisses "Moiderer!" and does everything bar batter his chest with her puny little fists (well, she'd probably flatten him) to find "the real Dennis". That's easy love. Moody bugger, looks good without clothes on, jogs a bit, shags anything that moves, including his sister (but not Vickney because she's too annoying).

Denman tells her the tale of Mad Frankie Knuckles and his Horrible Murder. Apparently the bit that was said when the 8.15 from Denham past was that O-Den is alive and well and running a crack whore business in Spain. So it's all Denman's fault, not Vickney's. Killing Mad Frankie has given him nightmares where MFK sits in the corner of the room and shakes his hoary locks at Denman. Denman also sees spots on his face that nobody else can...hell is murky...all the perfumes of Araby will not sweeten this five o'clock shadow...blah blah. Shazza says he's sick and wrong, and not the man she fell in love with. Actually Shazz, he did all that before he shagged you. so technically...

Meanwhile Vickney is annoying ODen by trying to force him to talk about his feelings, poor bastard. O-Den actually calls her annoying and her riposte: "Yeah, I'm a teenager, it's my job" is quite cool. Go Vickney! Annoy him some more! O-Den runs away to Loser's Bench. Byrite slithers over, and, mistaking him for Tony Wilson, offers to do the security on the club in exchange for exclusive drug dealing rights. O-Den goes "Droocks! Noooo!" and sends him on his way.

Denman and Shazza emote some more. Shazza wants to believe that he killed in self-defence but Denman says ummm...no, it was in cold blood, but I suppose he would have killed me given half a chance. Anyway, it doesn't matter now as Denman is now living in the nth circle of Hell (not sure where they put sister-shagging murderers - in with the Borgias I suppose) and working for Byrite. Shazza decides that he needs saving, and that only her love can do this. They snog, and she swears never to let ODen come between them.

From his vantage point on Loser's Bench, O-Den sees them snogging in the street like common people and is cross. Ruh-roh!

DENMANHATTAN MURDER MYSTERY
Denman mopes around and resists Dot's efforts to save his immortal soul. He says he has a job with Andy and Dot is all pleased on account of how Andy is always polite and wears a shiny suit. Denman points out that Andy is a gangster and that Denman isn't worth any better, also that he is going to burn in hell and doesn't deserve the company of human society after all the bad things he has done. Someone needs to turn that frown upside down!

Vickney and Shazza are both rocking the "no-make-up" look. Shazza mopes around in her robe as though Denman gave her flu as well as accidentally smacking her. Vickney cries and admits that she told O-Den about them. Shazza is cross and says she would have never grassed Vickney up to O-Den for shagging Ash, but then hugs her and forgives her. Vickney goes and talks to Denman, who continues with the fatality and misery. He says he is going to the Vic later and Vickney says she will make sure Shazza is there. O-Den finds her and tells her off and says she has to choose between Denman or the others. Vickney grudgingly says she chooses the O-Den/Shazz super-combo.

Denman has an orientation session with Byrite Andy. Andy says he is glad to have a psycho-killa like Denman working for him and that Denman should meet him in the Vic that evening, dressed up for gangsta action. Denman says he hasn't got a suit but Andy says that as he owns the "Mr Byrite" clothing chain it will be no probs to get a suit for him. Denman goes for a jog (more comedy girlish running) and pops into the Vic, where Teen is obviously entranced by his manly he-stench.

In non-Watts news, Gus is mean to Juley ("you dissed my poetry and my crib, yo!") but then relents and lets him stay with him. The Ferrieras contemplate selling their stash of emeralds and jewels (?) but then decide to keep them and sell retro clothes instead. Scalliq convinces Fool to have a 70s night in the pub and then they get extra money by selling all the clothes and also getting DJ Ross to DJ. At one point Scalliq does an adorable dance. Fool tries to get Andy to restructure his loan but Andy is a dick and says "no, give me more money that you can't afford, as I have no sense." Bealemeister asks Kyert to the 70s night but she will only go if they dress up. Bealemeister is not keen on this foolishness but then relents if there is a chance of getting a shag out of it.

At the vic, the 70s night is a success. Kyert (mustard floppy hat and big lapelled coat) and Ian (brown big collared shirt and Alan Whicker style safari suit) inexplicably win best dressed couple. Bealemeister makes a face like "I'm in, for sure!" Backstreet attempts to woo Teen but is mocked, patronised and ignored. Good. Denman has to sit and listen to Andy talk bollocks for hours. Andy says that his minionators are scared of Denman (but it looked to me more like they were checking out his sweet ass) and says that for his first task Denman has to beat up Fool. Cool, maybe Denman will break Fool's jaw in the process so he won't be able to speak for a bit.

Vickney recovers her moxy and shouts at O-Den for being a bastard and provoking Denman. Shazza overhears and discovers the whole thing about andy and the vic. She says she is going to talk to him, even though she doesn't him want back. O-Den tries to talk her out of it and keeps hinting that Denman is much more eeevil than Shazza ever expected. Shazza is all "What you talking about, fool?" It is pretty obvious that her and Vickney hate O-Den now.

Denman mopes around the Vic but it doesn't look like Shazza is coming. He drives off with Andy to do Bad Things.

Shazza sees Denman drive off and asks O-Den to explain what the hell he is talking about. O-Den says that Denman moidered Mad Frankie Knuckles. He shot a man in Epping just to watch him die! Shazza pulls that face.

IT'S A FAMILY AFFAIIIIR
Boy oh boy is O-Den on a roll. Shazza's in the kitchen, wearing battered wife non-makeup and tousled, unshiney hair; Vickney's in her room, and Denman is twitching on Dot's sofa. Way to go, mate.

Where do we start? Well, O-Den and Shazz talk. Shazz stares at the table, nursing her huuge bruise (did Denman really hit her that hard? It looks like she's done ten rounds with a doorframe), while O-Den says that he didn't say nothing, well OK, he might have said something to provoke Denman. Actually, come to think of it, maybe he did come on a bit strong with the kiddy fiddling crack, but Denman would have kicked off anyway because he's a psycho...long line of psychos...blah blah. And there's a hint that maybe O-Den wasn't making it all up and Knows More Than He's Letting On. Vickney appears every now and again to tell O-Den to leave Shazz alone, but gets sent away to annoy Poline instead. Vickney just wants everything back the way it was. Weirdo.

Denman is twitching on the Brannings' sofa while Jim hovers outside, dukes at the ready, in case he goes beserk again. Dot's on hand with the tea and saintliness. Denman alternately twitches, then glowers, then twitches again as Dot tries to tell him that it's not his fault and everybody could see he was trying to take a swing at Den. Denman goes back to Weird Family Central to clear his name, but O-Den won't let him in. O-Den switches his manipulation dial to 11, and persuades Shazz (now cowering on the stairs) that she doesn't want to see him. Meanwhile Denman tries to open the door with his forehead and screams a lot until Shazz says: "go away". If he tried that in Peckham, there'd be a small crowd gathered on the pavement offering suggestions and praying for his blighted soul, but not in Walford.

Bad Brutha's out and about again, preparing for the return of TrinDad and Yolande. They had a lovely time, thank you very much, and we can look forward to the return of the Unconvincing Urchin very soon. Ohhh...shit.

Everybody is overturning MYGus's carefully arranged rubbish bags, or driving into them menacingly (Byrite Andy's Henchpersons of Patheticness). The Bealemeister pauses to sneer, and accidentally drops his wallet into a pile of Gus's rubbish. Gus picks it up, stuffs it in his pocket and forgets about it until he's in the pub. There's a huge wad of cash inside, and Gus is Tempted. Then Moomin comes along, activates her Moomin powers, and steers Gus back to the path of Righteousness, for which he is rewarded with a kiss on the lips from Ian. Ewww (though some people might find that reward enough, I'm surprised that it doesn't send MYGus straight to the nearest crack den).


DJ Ross and the Ferreira Kidz are moaning about there being no cereal or jam. Ash says: "Uh...we're broke...remember?" More moaning, then Adull finds some sweaty old rocker t-shirts and decides to have a "retro" day on the stall. Tariq starts pimping DJ Ross to the kidz parties and barmitzvah crowd (DJ Ross's "but I'm an ARTIST" schtick falls on deaf ears, like his DJing, methinks); Ash gets a tutoring job that means he has to read Beowulf (poor sod). But all their efforts raise little cash and the Kidz are despondent. Though how playing "Come On Eileen" on the stall was going to help them raise £6k was going to help, I don't know. Why don't they just call an uncle? Or Madhur? She must be back from her recipe-finding tour by now.

Byrite senses that it's time to close the deal with Shazz, and slimes over to WFC with the contracts. O-Den stops him just in time and tells Shazz that he's sold up his crack whore empire in Spain and is now minted, so he'll bankroll the club, adding in a few sideswipes at poor Denman, who's still twitching and glowering in the park. Byrite makes "Grrr....foiled by meddling O-Den!" faces, and tells Sham that the club is still a Watts club. Sham realises that Byrite is a spineless bitch, and goes off to "check the books". Two words Sham: "Laptop" and "Spreadsheet".

Alfie's shirt is a true masterpiece of hideousness. He can't get the money together, even after Sham offers him a small pay-rise. Byrite gets all sharky again, and demands a double payment next week.

Phew! Action packed ep, isn't it?

O-Den runs into St Dot, who has a go about Denman. His problem, says Dot, is that he was never loved enough, and now he has no-one to love him at all. Den drove Ange to drink and now he's driving Denman into the clutches of Byrite, says Dot. O-Den goes: "Phffff...like I care what the mother of Nick Cotton thinks". Dot looks sad, yet still saintly. Denman has taken to glowering around the war memorial and getting tempted by Devil Man Byrite. He decides that the only way out is to become a Half-Assed Henchperson, and takes up Byrite's offer. Byrite exits, singing Sly & the Family Stone classics, while Denman makes "Hulk...mad!" faces and battles feebly with his fellow henchpersons.

DEN VS DEN
These two hander, ultra talky ones are really boring to recap...

O-Den makes Denman sit down so they can have a quiet chat and a drink, while everyone else in the pub strains to hear what they are saying. O-Den says he is too old and tired for a fight and just wants to hear Denman's side of the story. Denman is relieved and says how much he loves Shazz etc etc. O-Den is also relieved and says that now he doesn't have to pretend to like Denman any more. Ruh roh.

At Shazz's, her and Vickney hang around awkwardly. Shazz is nice to Vickney and in the end Vickney breaks down in tears and apologises for being so annoying. She doesn't, howver, apologise to the viewing public who had to put with her annoyingness much more than Shazza ever did. They hug and bond etc.

O-den says he has been putting on an act and just been pretending to like Denman for the girls' sake, and he thought it was very funny how Denman went all soppy whenever he called him "son". Denman glowers prettily and doesn't believe him at first but then says they were all better off without o-Den anyway. O-Den tells him to leave off Shazza. Denman: "shan't!". O-Den asks what will happen when they split up (Denman: never!) or if Denman loses his rag and hits Shazza (Denman: never ever!) or if Shazza were to discover that Denman moidered Mad Frankie Knuckles way back when. Denman says he will confess all re the murder if O-Den himself.

O-Den says that Denman is a perv and asks if he fancies Vickney too. Denman says that O-Den is a bigger perv for even suggesting that and says that O-den is jealous because he fancies Shazza himself. Denman prepares to go home to his beautiful laydee but O-Den slams him through the doors into the back passage (oo er, missis) where the phone and stairs are. Sham flaps around saying "Stop fighting in MY pub!" shut up, Sham. Denman is about to leave when O-Den says that the reason he is a pervo sister-mister is that he was kiddy-fiddled in the orphanage. Oh no, he has made Denman cry! Bad O-Den!

Shazz and Vickney decide that this is a good moment to go over to the pub and see what is happening.

Denman looks all traumatised while O-Den continues to go on about kiddy-fiddling and how he reckons Denman was glad of the attention. In the end Denman goes into a total "Hulk smash!!!" type rage, yells "Raaargh! Grrrrrrr aaaargh!" and attacks O-Den. In the fracas, Shazz and Vick arrive and try to stop the fight. Denman accidentally clocks shazza in the jaw and knocks her down. Doh! He is roughly subdued by Andy's muscle boys and everyone falls silent and stares at him. Everyone in the pub gets a shocked reaction shot, even Silent Tracey! React Tracey! react as if your life depended on it! O-Den escorts Shazz and Vickney from the pub with a smug gleam to his eye while Denman stands there, a single perfectly formed tear rolling down one cheek. Sham says "Look at the mess in MY pub!" Hey Sham, why don't you stick YOUR pub up YOUR arse and shut up.

At the Watt's House of Greek Tragedy, Shazz just wants to be left alone. Vickney is crying again so O-den says "I just did what you wanted, it's all over between them". Vickney says she just wants everything to be the way it was and runs upstairs. O-Den rolls his eyes.

At the pub, Denman is still standing in stunned silence when lovely Dot takes him home and says he can stay with her that night. Bless, it is like that bit in the bible where Mary Magdalene pulls the thorn out of the samaritan's paw or something. Denman sits in the kitchen and smokes a menthol cigarette, the big gaylord. Dot says they can have a talk in the morning. Denman is sad.