DAWN OF THE DEAD (BORING)
Bad Brutha's all happy happy joy joy about Nat and the Bazlet moving in with him. Then Juhneen glowers into view and reminds him of his evil past, and how he'd better discourage Nat and her money grabbing demands or there will be big trouble. BB denies everything and looks shifty.

Nat's really popular today. Gran Detective Pat tells her about the Incriminating Armlet, but Paul says there's a simple explanation. Yeah, you were shagging Juhneen behind Bazza's back and hastening a fatal heart attack by any means necessary. Simple. When she asks Juhneen about it, Juhneen says: "Paul? Ummm...yes...oh that'll be my stalker. Funnily enough, he's called Paul, just like your Paul...oooh is that the time?" Later, Nat sees Juhneen leaving the B&B after another tedious nagging session. N:Sad. J: in a strop.

Scalliq has got his feet well under the table chez Ferreira, so Adull turns his beady searchlight of whinge onto wee Vickney. Actually, I'm with Adull on this one. He reminds Kareena that Vickney's a troublemaker and her brother's a psycho, and Dadvis wouldn't like an unattached young female living in a house full of single men and Scalliq. DJ Ross still wears the big plaster on his neck, but Scalliq keeps forgetting to clutch his side and go "ouch" occasionally. Adull refuses to eat with the others because Dadvis always preferred them to sit up at the table...my attention wandered to the IKEA catalogue at this point. I'm thinking of a Magiker storage combination for the living room.

The Scoobies are plagued by Wattses today. What with Vickney in residence, and Shazza flicking her awful "choppy" blunt cut fringe all over their hallway, trying to get Vickney to return home. Vickney tells Ash about the freakish crypto-incest. Ash goes: "ewwww!" and agrees to be her friend again. For some reason they're in the caff later, when Denman walks in and starts being vile to Vickney. Ash steps in and says: "I know everything nudgenudgewinkwinkquizzicaleyebrow!". Denman retreats muttering. Vickney says: "My hero! Let's go betting!". Ash says OK, but don't tell the other Scoobies.

Idiots in Jail pt II. Charlie appears to have had an argument with the other members of the rounders team. He still wants to fight on, so Slutty takes it upon herself to visit Eeevil Rapist Graham's lawyer. Lawyer's office has the pink walls and the cheap, shiny reproduction bookcases that signify Slimy Shyster. Indeed, Eevil Rapist Graham emerges from the shadows and demands a king's ransom (OK, £10K) for all the trouble the Slaters have caused him. Sullen should offer to sleep with him and pass on AGarry's anti-social disease from a few months back.

Shazza is worried that Ash will scream and point at them like a Body Snatcher when he next sees them. Denman, who is either mad or supremely stupid, suggests they go public and nakedly canoodle in McArfur Park to declare their sick, wrong passion to the world and give people the chance to throw petrol over them. Shazz reminds Denman that she was nearly burned at the stake by the Mitchells when she was shagging Fill behind Grant's back. Denman agrees to wait until she's ready. Can't he wait with his shirt off, just to make it more interesting?

PAT BUTCHER INVESTIGATES: THE CASE OF THE INCRIMINATING ARMLET
Sorry this is so late kids, but I have been out all weekend and staying with someone who doesn't have a computer, anyway....

Go! Go! Gran Detective! Juhneen almost catches Pat looking at the mystery bangle, Pat manages to hide it in a drawer while talking about something else. Pat then totally unsubtly grills Juhneen as to whether she is having/or has ever had a relation with bad Brother. Juhneen says no while Pat rephrases the question about 50 times and then tells her to leave. Pat goes round to the BandB (where her face is the exact same colour as the burnished mustard coloured leather sofa) and tells Nat not to move in as Paul cannot be trusted. They drag it out for ages but then Pat finally says she has evidence that Paul is cheating on Nat with Juhneen. Nat looks pensive. Oh ok, and also sad.

DJ Ross is happy that Scalliq and Kareena are moving back to the house. (What are the chances that when the bandage comes off his throat he has zero ventilator scars, btw). Adull says that they can't tell anyone that Scalliq is their brother as "Dadvis wouldn't like it" and also because Adull being as c*** is for life, not just for christmas!

Tink and Fool bond and then Tink produces an engagement ring and proposes to Ethel 2.0.

Ian sees that the nail bar is shut and asks Kyert what is the deal? She says she doesn't feel like working and has no bookings anyway - she is sad that the nail bar hasn't taken off and become (and I quote) "an integral part of the community". Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. She also moans that everyone only pretended to like her because they were scared of Fill. Ian says that that is bollocks and offers to take her by the hand and walk her through the streets of London, as he can show her something that will make her change her mind. Kyert says no. She is sitting on Losers Bench when some random old lady comes over and starts whittering on about how much she loves her manicures blah blah. Kyert suddenyl realises that is important and appreciated after all. Bless! or alternatively Vom! You be the judge!

No, no! no, no, no, no! no, no, no, no! no no, there's no limits! Crypto, crypto, crypto, crypto! Yes, Shaz and Denman are back! Ash jumps off Vickney like a scalded cat. Denman grabs him and suddenly turns into JACK BAUER off 24, with lots of velvety whispered threats and sexy violence etc. He tells Ash that he will Keeeell him if he touches Vickney again. Ash leaves sharpish. Denman and Shaz ask Vickney what she is playing at and she says she is shagging inappropriate people to keep up the family tradition and storms off. Shaz says "She knows!" and immediately pours herself a quadruple vodka. Mmmm, vodka. They have a long boring talk with Vickney where V acts like she is the centre of the universe and that they are doing it just to spite her. Also she over-uses her acting trump card of looking tearful and covering her face with her hands a bit too often. In the end she says that Shaz has to choose between her and Denman-loving and unsurprisingly Shaz chooses Den. Vickney cries some more, packs her bag and leaves. She asks if she can stay with Ash as she has nowhere else to go - hmm, I must have blinked in the scenes where she asked to stay with Poline, Ian or Backstreet. Ash says no, as she is a no good, bad news dame etc but then Kareena says Vickney can stay with them after all. Ruh roh.

ABOUT EASTIES UPDATES

Easties Updates was born when one or two online friends living outside the UK asked for updates on how the Furwank/Pat naked flashing bow tie affair was progressing, many years ago. Somehow, it turned into a regular feature of our favourite online forum. We decided to try out this New Blogging Phenomenom Thing, and created Easties Updates in late 2002 - around the time that Shane Richie first appeared.

Easties Updates is written by Sarah and Mark.

Sarah is a sometime web site editor, sometime housewife superstar. She is married to Mr P and lives in south London with him, their daughter and two idiot cats.

Mark is a gay ex-punk kickboxing accountant. He is very tall and lives in Holloway. His boyfriend works for the BBC, but sadly not a part of the Beeb that has anything to do with Eastenders.

We try to write and post the update as soon as an episode of EE finishes in the UK (or on Sunday if it's the Friday ep) However, we both have quite hectic lives, and we like going on holidays and stuff, so please bear with us if we're not always punctual.

SCALLIQ DOESN'T LIVE HERE ANY MORE
I missed the first ten minutes because my dad was there and I had to explain the whole Easties blogspot concept to him, with added Dad-like interruptions (the usual: "haven't you got anything better to do", "bloody saddoes", "who's this Mark person?", "give me the baby" etc)

Anyway, according to the official site, Ian orders Vickney to tidy up Weird Family Central 'cos it looks like a teenager has been left to her own devices by her siblings who find her so tiresome they end up shagging each other to stop talking about how irrating she is. In Tenerife.

Charlie has to serve an extra two weeks in prison. Slutty tracks down Piers the solicitor who, in true EE fashion, seems to conduct business in a local cafe rather than in a proper office. He's staying then. Piers explains - speaking very slowly and using pictures, no doubt - that Charlie is fucked whatever he does. Slutty relays this message back to Sullen and Mo, and they agree to getting Charlie to abandon his battle with Eevil Rapist Extortionist Graham.

Ethel 2.0 tries to get Tink and Fool talking. She even supplies them with a list of conversation topics, but it fails (on so many levels too). Tink and Fool discover that getting annoyed with Ethel is the one thing they have in common. Well, them and the rest of the known universe.

Nat and Bad Brutha make arrangements in their empty lovenest (not even a DSS family in sight - this is the only loss-making B&B in East London, I swear). Juhneen stares at the solicitors letter and stomps about wickedly. Pat appears, and asks if she can snoop around the house in remembrance of Roy, the anniversary of whose death it is. Really it's a Clever Ruse to get into Juhneen's secret things. Oh no, she really does want to remember Roy by snooping around the house. Juhneen can't bear to listen to Pat's witterings about Barry, Roy, happy days, affairs with Fur-wank etc, and disappears to sell a few cars. Pat snoops around, finds Barry's diary ("Sold a car today. Yay for me!", "I really love Nat", "I really hate Nat", "I hate Pat", "I hate Juhneen", "I love Juhneen", "Baz 4 Juhneen 4ever SWALK", "I still hate Pat") and reads it for a bit. The diary gets boring after...oooh...two minutes, and she snoops some more. And that's when she finds The Bracelet of Doom. You remember, the one that says "Bad Brutha loves Juhneen and we're going to kill Baz and take all his money. Bwahahaaha!". Juhneen returns. Pat steals the bracelet because it's evidence and the scriptwriters need it to hasten Juhneen's inevitable comeuppance and transfer to a) The Bill (yawn); or b) Bad Girls (please God yes!).

DJ Ross moans at Adull about not having Scalliq around and indicates that Dadvis is gone for good (like we didn't know that already - pity, my dad wanted to see how much he did look like him). Adull capitulates like the spineless bitch he is, and invites Scalliq and Kareena home. Ash escapes the misery by hanging out with Vickney, who tempts him back into the betting shop. They win lots of money and Ash acts like he's on an overdose of happy pills. Vickney invites him back to Weird Family Central so that she can shag him in Shazza's bed. Shazza and Denman return to find her ripping Ash's clothes off. They are shocked. Shocked!

Kyert returns from AlcoPop's funeral to an empty home and Ian badgering her to talk about her loss. I'm surprised she's not on the next train out of Kings Cross, really.

BRIDEZILLA II: GRANDMOTHER OF BRIDEZILLA
The Slaters have a big palaver about getting together a Welcome Home From the Big House party for Charlie. Mo makes a shit looking, wonky cake. Slutty is entrusted with making a roast dinner (though mercifully we are spared the non-comedy cooking scenes). There is some bollocks about them buying the wrong party decorations off Mickney. In the end Charlie doesn't come home as he had a "Tango and cash" style action hero prison freakout, smacked a "screw" and trashed his cell. I bet that is a euphemism for "dirty protest". Either way, I'm glad it took place off camera. Oh yes.

Speaking of lame homecomings: DJ Ross is back from the orspital. Ash tries to make Adull feel guilty that Kareena and Scalliq won't be there but Adull won't change his mind and stop being a prick. They also make a lame cake/have wrong Mickney decorations. When DJ Ross comes home he is sad that K&S aren't there and snubs Adull's lame party. Ash snubs him too and leaves Adull feeling miserable and alone. Good.

Vickney apologises to Backstreet for the Teen Age Riot etc etc last night. She is about to explain that she is acting up due to Crypto Horror but Backstreet is busy and has to dash off to see if he has started growing hair under his armpits yet. Vickney spots Ash lurking outside the bookies (no gamblin' tourettes this episode, sadly) and invites him home to teach her how to play poker. In the flat, Vickney demonstrates her fake "I've got a good card" signals, which include sucking her finger, rubbing her bristols, etc etc. Ash doesn't seem to get it so she suggests a game of strip poker and commences to lose. Ash is helping her out of her top and starts macking on her neck but then suddenly remembers that she is, like, 12 and runs away. Vickney laughs because she is crayzeee and out of control.

Slutty cracks out all her Bridezilla magazines and lets Ethel 2.0 read them. Fool moans that the wedding (in Easter) is too soon so Ethel says she'll put it back a couple of months.

Juhneen gets a letter from Nat's solicitor and makes villainous faces. She moans to Bad Bro that Nat wants half of everything and says that he has to stop her or else he will be in big trouble. BB explains that he can't tell Nat to do anything as she already dumped him. Later on Juhneen sees Jack in the caff, acts all sweet and aunty-like and offers to cut up his cake for him. Pat sees her wielding a knife and hilariously over-reacts and whisks Jack away. Dude, it is one of those shit knives like you got to eat school dinners. The only way you could hurt someone with one of those is if you dropped it on their head from the top of the Empire State Building. Bad Brother writes a mystery letter and then apologises to Nat, says that is behind her 100% and that she can move in with him. Nat accepts and then goes to gloat to Juhneen. More villainous faces. Juhneen summons BB again and says the same thing but BB says that if she messes with him then he will grass her up for moider and also that he has put a sealed letter in a vault that will reveal her crimes if BB dies suspiciously. Melodramatic much. Juhneen says "I'm not that bad" so BB starts going on about how she is evil, rotten inside, never been loved etc etc. Juhneen whimpers "You wuvved me" so BB sticks the boot in a few more times and says that if that their bizarro relationship was her only experience of love then she is even more fucked up than he thought. BB stomps off and Juhneen throws something at something else.

TIE A YELLOW RIBBON ROUND THE OLD TAXI
The Slaters are all of a flutter because Charlie is due out in the next couple of days. Sullen has washed her hair and put special highlights in for the family visit to Charlie's cell. Chas is wearing a yellow sash thing that looks like he's been picked for the rounders team. He says that all the other prisoners are supporting him and say he shouldn't let Graham take him to the cleaners and other misdemeanours. Proof no. 987 that Charlie is in fact an idiot, if you needed more. He tells his Piers Morgan looky likey solicitor to fight Graham to the death because a bunch of crims told him to. Piers looks tired and patiently explains that since Charlie pleaded GUILTY, there is no fight to be fought. He should just pay up and shut up. Charlie shouts about his fighting fund and grabs hold of Piers's lapels. Two burly prison guards appear and drag him off to be punished by his prison husband.

Back in the Square, Juhneen glowers evilly at Nat and Bad Brutha as they skip amorously across McArfur park. Later she corners BB and threatens him with dire consequences if he starts causing trouble with Natalie. All this frolicking with BB and girl detectiveing over Bazza's death has been affecting Nat's mysterious work, and they sack her with one week's pay and after only one warning. BB sensibly says she has a case for unfair dismissal, but she ignores him and decides to fight for Bazlet's share of the Evans Empire. Juhneen is suitably nasty and BB is not happy. Nat walks out on BB (again) when he realises that his affair with Juhneen might come out if Nat starts causing trouble. If it gives us more Juhneen and less Ferreira nonsense, then I'm happy.

This ep is mercifully Ferreira-free, actually. Instead we have Shazza getting worried that Vickney isn't returning her calls (to Tenerife? On a mobile? Are you mad, woman?). She marshals Ian's support. Ian give Vickney some free chips and tells her to phone Shaz. Vickney has a bratty fit, summons Spencer to drink neat vodka (eww) at her house (Shaz calls, Spencer answers. Vickney: bratty), followed by a muppet rampage of knock down Ginger and attempted car theft. Spencer tells Vickney that she's speeding down the Highway to Nowheresville. Vickney says: "Whatever, Loser..." and bursts into tears at the thought of Shazza and Denman making the beast with two backs and more than its requisite number of fingers (again).

Fool tries to persuade Ethel 2.0 to come out with him on one of their wild bingo days out. Ethel tells him to stop being such a sad loser and get a life: she's got Lovejoy Tink to keep her warm now, and she doesn't need no kids cluttering up her life. Tink tries (and fails) to persuade Fool that he's not after Ethel's pension. Exeunt Tink and Ethel to Hatton Garden to look at oversized, tasteless engagement rings. Fool: sad.

ADULLUSIONAL

I had a video programming disaster on Thurs so I will never know if Kareena found Scalliq's life size photo of DJ Ross with the hole cut out of the mouth. Anyway, Kareena and Scalliq have fun in the bedsit - basically eating Madhur's delicious recipes, watching telly and giggling. This is contrasted with Ash and Adull sitting in grim silence eating fish and chips. Ash goes round to check Kareena is OK and is tempted to stay by the promise of tinned beer. Soon he is giggling/watching telly too. Adull looks at a family photo (where Ross is doing a hilarious catalogue model type pose) and poignantly strokes Dadvis' face with his fat little finger.

Pat and Mo bicker in the Vic and recall an arm wrestling match they had in 1960 or something. Sullen is back, having apparently found a bottle of volumising shampoo in the meantime. They agree to have another wrestling match but then Pat spots Mo plotting with Mickey to throw the match so they can keep all the gambling money. Pat makes a series of super obvious "thoughtful" faces that make her intentions clear to people watching from space. Her and Mo both try to lose the fight and Pat actually does lose and takes some of the money for herself. Mo makes "grrr, foiled" faces.

Kyert lurks around her dingy flat and keeps looking longingly at the bottle of scotch that she keeps out on the top of the sideboard like a common person. No, Kyert! Alcohol is bad! Didn't you learn anything from your annoying dad!?! Ian calls round and Kyert says "fuck off about the drains!" but it turns out that Ian has come round to check that she is OK. He goes in and tries to make her think happy thoughts about her dad. Eventually Kyert recalls one time when she was little and he gave her a lift in his cop car and made her feel like a "princess in a golden carraige like, why aye". Hmm, maybe that counts as being like a princess in Newcastle... when Ian leaves, Kyert says "you're not a dick after all". Ian looks all "Woo, hoo, I'm in there!"

Sham (still with woeful 1970's "shag" style do) and Byrite stop round the Vic. Byrite gives Fool a model of his car for his birthday and then challenges him to an armwrestling match to prove how manly he is in front of Sham - what, is he 14 all of a sudden? Sham and Slutty stand at their men's shoulders like the lady on the front of the Mastermind box while Andy wins. Afterwards Fool basically says "Yes well, I married Slutty so you lose."

Fool interviews the Eastbourne Gigolo and it turns out that he fell for Ethel 2.0 whilst wrestling with a coach window and that it was love at first sight (The EE crew try to show off by doing fancy cutting between E-G talking to Fool and Ethel telling her side of the story to Slutty. The fancy cutting is impressing no-one.) Fool shouts at him for taking advantage of his gran and points out that she has no money or life savings or anything. E-G is shocked and appalled. It turns out that Ethel is a bit of a cradle snatcher as she is 83 and E-G is only 75. Fool is about to chuck him out but Backstreet surprises Fool (and the viewers) by showing some spine and standing up for him. Fool, you know you are in trouble when Backstreet is the voice of reason. Ethel says "Oooo, alfie!" about three hundred times and goes on about how she has been gagging for it since her husband died in the blitz and that Wilfred is the one. Ethel and Wilfred kiss (but not with tongues or anything). Fool pretends to understand but then goes outside and loudly shouts that it is just a foolish fancy and he wants no part out of it. Ethel appears in a puff of smoke and says "No! This time I know it's for real!" Fool: sad.

SHOCK THE MONKEY
Vickney is the monkey on Ash's back. She wins again on the horses and tries to persuade Ash to go to a casino with her. Ash joneses almost immediately and says yes.

Meanwhile Kareena cleans up Scalliq's squalid bedsit and seems surprised that a single man could live in such squalor (Mr P looked at her scraping a dirty plate and said that it wasn't that bad because she could actually shift the baked beans and they weren't green). She feels all guilty about Scalliq and whines at Ash a little, then calls him the bestest big brother in the world, ever, who would never let her down by going out on a high-rolling bender with an implausibly accented mall rat like Vickney. Ash looks "thoughtful" and cancels his date with Vickney and the roulette wheel. V...sad...yadda.

Ian and Kyert banter about drains, but Kyert's still worrying about her dad and trying desperately not to be co-dependent. Ian tells Pat to clean the windows. Pat, forgetting that she was sacked only a few days ago, mutters about job descriptions to anybody that will listen. Kyert gets the news that her dad killed himself and shouts at Ian.

Slutty's birthday preparations for Fool are thwarted by Fool, who throws a weird stroppy hissy fit about being 40. Slutty reads him an article from She magazine, and he feels better. There's some non-comedy nonsense about Fool's birthday cake (a big 40 made by Ian) and Pat's window cleaning efforts...

St Nancy Banks-Smith notes how Fool's Xmas wooing story about a lovely old couple on Southend pier comes around to bite him after he admits to Slutty that he made them up. Ethel 2.0 returns from Eastbourne with Tink from Lovejoy in tow. And they're going to get married! Oh for fuck's sake. Can't we go five minutes without a bloody wedding?

NOT WITHOUT MY KIDNEY: PT MCMXXIV
How long, oh lord, how long? OK, the latest in the Ferreira kidney plot saga. Ash and Kareena decide to adopt Scalliq and move him into Dadvis's bedroom while he convalesces - Party of Five, anyone? Except that Adull finds out and goes off to tell Scalliq that "Dadvis wouldn't stand for it and neither will I". Scalliq is all "What do you care? All Dadvis does is kick the shit out of you and treat you like his bitch. And you let him". Thank you Scalliq. Adull is sad and runs home to ask Ash if he really is Dadvis's bitch. Ash looks at the floor and says: "well...ummm..." Adull breaks down in tears and admits that yes, he is Dadvis's bitch and the reason why Dadvis hates him is because he found out about Scalliq. So Dadvis hurting him is all Scalliq's fault. Hmm...I can see why they call Ash the brainy one.

So, onto Ash's slightly more interesting gambling problem. Vickney ups the ante, waving fivers under his nose and asking him his opinion on the 3.30 at Wincanton. Ash has Gambler Tourette's Syndrome again, shows her how to read racing form, then runs off to scrub himself clean with sharpened birch twigs under a boiling hot shower. Vickney makes him watch the race with her, and his tip loses. Ash uses the occasion to teach Vickney about the Evils of Gambling. I don't think it works, but losing on the horses makes Vickney horny. Ash runs away. I did say it was only slightly more interesting.

Fool's birthday preparations continue with a comedy balloon delivery. MY Gus, Mickney and Julio all play with the helium gas, but nobody notices when Mickney speaks. Fool sees Ethel 2.0 off on the bus to Eastbourne/Gomorrah, and there's some non-comedy nonsense involving old ladies and mobile phones.

Kyert's Victorian Dad wants her to move back up to Byker Grove and look after him.

Backstreet develops some backbone after overhearing Teen and Kellay call him a mug. He plays Motörhead's Ace of Spades outside her room (always a good standby for pissing off the neighbours - another one is Planet of Sound by The Pixies); then he pours her designer shampoo down the toilet, uses all the hot water and nicks money out of her purse. Like a proper little brother. Slutty is happy that he and Teen are now screaming at each other instead of flirting. After all, there's enough creepy crypto incest going on around them as it is.

KIDNEY PLOT: NOW IN RECORD-BREAKING 196TH WEEK!

It is Ian's birthday and for some reason he is dressed as Dennis the Menace. Mr No-mates only gets one card (from Kaffy) and Simpleton stops by to mock him. Ian and Kyert bicker about drains or something. It looks like romance is in the air, as well as the stench of sewage! Simpleton goes to her lawyers and starts filling in forms to make Ian pay child support. The lawyer points out that Ian may then have access rights to Bobby and Simpleton goes through her entire range of demented faces and says "No! Never!" Ian and Simpleton exchange more unpleasantries and it ends up with him alone in the chippy and Simpleton sobbing and gibbering to Bobby in Pat's flat.

Kyert gets a rambling drunken phonecall from her Alco-Pop dad. Fool worries about Ethel 2.0, all alone on the mean streets of Eastbourne. Backstreet continues to be entranced by Teen's bootyliciousness so Fool and Slutty discuss whether Teen should move back home - maybe the laundry bills are mounting up or something. Fool is trying to hide the fact that it is his 40th coming up but Slutty already knows and is planning a big partay.

Mickey, Backstreet and Julio are planning another poker game and agree to have it at Vickney's as long as she can join in too. She goes round to see Ash and coquettishly asks him to give her gambling advice. At some point they mysteriously teleport over to Vickneys where he is "teaching her" and then the others all arrive. They start playing cards while Ash watches and tries to ignore the monkey on his back squeaking "play cards! play cards!" He gets flop sweats/starts jonesing real bad/retraces his twelve steps etc etc and generally acts tempted but leaves before he picks up a card. Vickney wins.

Kareena tries to get Adull to sign a thank you card for Scalliq but he is still being a hateful bitch. DJ Ross is just as bad and makes gurny faces and turns up his discman whenever anyone mentions Scalliq's name. Maybe "Ferriera" is Portugese for "ungrateful bastard" or something. Scalliq has got a tiny square plaster stuck to each end of his collarbone. What's that all about? Some coppers come round with pictures of ruffians to ID so DJ Ross finally has to speak to Scalliq and beg him not to speak to the fuzz, in case they get involved in more violence or something. Scalliq says "wow, I am overwhelmed with gratitude for giving you my kidney, not." Oh goody, another long boring conversation. To summarise: Ross: "I don't care that you gave you gave me a kidney, I still hate you." Scalliq: "I love you anyway." Ross" Oh, actually I do like you after all." Later on, fucking fuckface Adull shows up and starts gibbering on, Peter Lorre stylee, about how Ash and Kareena want them to be friends with Scalliq but he will always hate Scalliq and he wants to form a special "We hate Scalliq" club with himself as Hon Treasurer and DJ Ross as the President. DJ Ross says "I am required by the script to like Scalliq in this episode." Adull makes tortured faces as his pitiful, bitter little world falls apart at the news.