THE GREAT LAME ROBBERY
Fool and Slutty in bed - they giggle and stare drippily at each other for a bit until Slutty asks if they can resolve the ontological status of Fool's marraige. He says he used to be married but he can't remember if the divorce was ever finalised, because it wasn't like it was important or anything. He says Nana will know for sure. Oh, that's a great plan. Next they will find out that the location of the divorce papers is disclosed on a special map that is tattooed on the backs of seven holy tibetan infants. Meanwhile Drippy gets to keep her barmaid job and chats some more to the man who is going to (spoiler) rape her - because that's what women get if they take a job without their husbands' approval. fuck off EE writers (end spoiler). All the other Slaters sit around and wonder if Slutty has done the right thing. Charlie looks thoughtful. Maybe he is wondering if he has to give his West Ham season ticket back.

O-Den plots with Fill (they are going to rob a factory's Xmas payroll, fact fans) . Fill phones up various crim friends for one last job. Oh, just saying that is the kiss of death. Denman sulks around and has to say terrible tough guy dialogue about O-Den being in league with the devil. Also, cut your hair Denman. Girl Detective Shazza watches O-Den talk with other shadowy gents. When her and Denman confront O-den he tells them not to worry their pretty little heads about it.

My name is Ash and I am a Gambloholic wakes up with Shirley. When he goes home it turns out that he hasn't been back for two days. Way to go, tiger. Later on he runs into Shirley in the street but ignores her because Dadvis is standing right behind them. Shirley is sad. Spineless bitch Ash says it is "too soon" to worry Dadvis and that he will tell him later when it is more dramatic and conflicty.

Fool goes to the orspital to visit Ethel 2.0 and ask her about the Lost Divorce of the Covenant. Ethel can't really remember (surprise surprise) but it turns out that she can go home soon. Ethel's "full head of hair and giant bandage" combo is hilarious - it would have been more realistic if they'd stuck a cartoon style, cross shaped plaster on her forehead. Fool says "oh what will Slutty do if we can't be wed" perhaps thinking that he is in a Charles Dickens novel instead of the goddamned 21st century where couples cohabit without being married all the time.

Byrite Andy is still dressed up in his wack Little Lord Fauntleroy wedding outfit. He sits in the picnic area of the Park of Contrivance and broods. Later on he turns up at the vic with two heavies (No sign of White Vin Diesel though, shame) and says he wants his engagement ring back. All the Slaters get ready to rumble, in the immortal words of PJ and Duncan, but Slutty says OK. It turns out the ring is stuck. Maybe it is encrusted to her finger with Fool's man juice. Andy says he's not leaving without it and tries to look menacing. I hoped he was going to start waving a pair of bloodstained secateurs around, but sadly not. In the end, Sullen says "look over there!" and rubs some of Mo's pile cream on her finger while she isn't looking and they get ring off. Sullen keeps waving her hair around like she is in a Pantene advert. Stop it! Slutty makes Andy take the dress and all the presents away too, so he ends up looking like a petty loser. Ha ha.

Some tall rich carribean gentlemen arrives, checks into the B&B and then wanders round being pious. Who could it be? You'll never guess. Trini-Dad and Yolande are out shopping all day. When they get back they chase each other round the table hornily and laugh a lot. Eww. Trinidad fakes a heart attack and then jumps Yolande's bones when she goes over. They are rolling round on the floor when Tall Bloke comes in and shouts "Whore of Babylon!" (not really, but he looked like he was thinking it). Yolande says "what are you doing here, husband?" Gasp! That wasn't obvious at all!

FOOL AND BYRITE IN A WRESTLING MATCH (YEAH YEAH YEAH YEAH)
I really didn’t know whether to laugh, or cry, or throw the cat at the television tonight.

So let’s start where we left off yesterday. Ian’s Chip Van of Love speeds through some nondescript London streets that look a bit like the back of Nunhead Cemetery, and eventually they end up at the church, where the Brand New Heavies are out in force.

Fool tries barging past the really gay looking Heavy who looks a bit like Vin Diesel, but Vin Heavy lisps: “You can’t go in there” and punches him. The scriptwriters realise they’ve got to drag this out a bit, so we get lots of timewasting discussion between Ian and Fool which results in Fool using a handy pair of Goths to sneak past Heavy 2 while Vin Heavy chases Ian away from his motor.

Inside the church, Comedy Vicar has got to the has anybody got any reason why these two shouldn’t get married bit. Nobody shouts: “Well, he’s a psycho gangsta Ninja Kitten trainer; and she’s a thick slapper with weird orange skin”, and Drippy has disappeared (standing out in the cold in that flimsy bridesmaid’s outfit must have done for the poor thing). Fool dodges a few more heavies and rushes up to the balcony to do his end of The Graduate scene.

Slutty is cross that Fool is embarrassing her with all this talk of true love in front of East London’s biggest collection of psychos and misfits this side of Romford, and drags him into the vestry for a “chat”. Comedy Vicar asks them to hurry up because he’s got another wedding with a proper couple who actually want to get married coming along in a few minutes.

The only thing that saves the big declaration in the vestry scene is that both actors are quite good and don’t resort to chewing the scenery. Basically, they bicker each other into admitting deep deep love, and it’s mildly amusing to hear that Fool’s favourite fantasy is Slutty in a West Ham shirt, and he’s a bit of a perv when it comes to feet.

Byrite gets impatient, rushes in and gets the elbow from Slutty. He tries to beat up Fool, but Slutty threatens him with telling the Sopranos about his dastardly plans to conquer New Jersey or whatever. Byrite shakes his fist, shouting that he would have married Slutty if it hadn’t been for Fool’s meddling and storms out of the church. On his way out, he pushes Pa Slater, which starts off a wholesale riot between the Byrite clan and assorted Slaters and EE cast members. I’m surprised the churchwardens didn’t get out the Kalashnikovs and finish the lot off, to be honest. Wouldn’t happen in my mum’s church.

Fool and Slutty trot off to the bus stop, Slutty vowing never to wear such a hellacious shoulderless number ever again; and Fool admitting that he might still be married to Linda Nolan, but he’s not sure.

WORKING FOR THE YANKEE 'STENDERS
Americans! Join Brad & Jen, a bunch of Pixies fans, and some bloke who does designer tattoos to Save Eastenders online.

AS BILLY IDOL ONCE SAID, "IT'S UH NICE DAY FOR A WHITE WEDDING-GUH"
Can I just say that this episode is a huge fucking waste of time. I mean, does anyone actually think that Slutty is going to marry Byrite? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?
Anyway, Slutty mopes around with her sisters (for some reason Posh is allowed to have her Real Hair in this episode. what can it all mean?) and then sits on her own looking miserable while they all get ready and shriek at each like a bunch of crazy harpies. Drippy comes to help Slutty get ready and instantly guesses that she is pining after Fool. Jesus, if Little Mo-ron has worked it out then you'd think that Slutty and Fool would have got their shit together by now. Slutty tells a trite story about how Charlie used to tell her stories about the man in the moon before she went to sleep and that it was her happiest memory before Fat Nonce Boon robbed her of her innocence. This is just an excuse for Drippy to simper "Man in the moon! Like Alfie Moon!" Shut up, Drippy. She tells Slutty to break off the wedding but Slutty says "no, we have to drag this stupid plot out for as long as possible!"

Meanwhile Fool is having the same conversation with Ian in the Vic. Since when where Ian and Fool mates? Since when has Ian been mates with anyone? Ian gets Fool to phone Slutty but then Fool just mutters like an idiot and Slutty decides that he definitely doesn't want her. Fool and Backstreet go off to visit Ethel 2.0 and Fool is threatened by an especially gay looking Brand New Heavy.

Mercifully there is some non Fool/Slutty news; Fill agrees to take part in O-Den's devious plan. Shazza, Denman and Squeaky are all outraged that O-Den is dealing with the evil Fill but Vickney seems to realise that O-Den knows what he is doing - I suppose she is the only one whose IQ goes up to double figures.

At the hospital, Ethel has a bandage covering her brain tap but still has all her hair. I would have thought they would have shaved her head to perform brain surgery, but what do I know? The doc says that she is doing very well and that she is "a character" (i.e. very annoying) but Ethel is still a bit scatty and can't maintain the thread of a conversation. In the end she tells Fool that "your Kathleen" came round and told Ethel that she loved Fool. Like, duh! Fool rushes off to declare his lurve. Meanwhile Ian and Drippy have joined forces (my eyes, they did roll) to assist the Power of Love, much like Jennifer Rush with her ubiquitous mid 1980s pop hit. They try ringing round hospitals to tell Fool. Drippy has to go to church with the wedding party and leaves Ian to Love Power on his own. Slutty is wearing the big shoulder dress but has added a wierd cropped, high collared jacket that looks like the kind of thing that Servalan would wear if she thought it was going to be a bit nippy. Her hair looks nice though and the bridesmaid dresses are quite smart.

Fool arrives back and asks Fill what Andy will do if he disrupts his wedding. Fill says that Andy will kill him dead but Fool, living up to his name, doesn't care. He makes Ian drive him to the church in his rickety chip van.

At the church Andy is wearing a weird victorian high collar thing that makes him look like Oliver Twist. Slutty arrives and goes up the aisle. Drippy can't be witness to such a Love Travesty and goes and stands outside. Hymns are sung. The comedy vicar is wheeled out for the occassion. Go Comedy Vicar! Meanwhile the Salmonella Wagon gets stuck behind a delivery van. Fool goes and shouts at the Delivery Dude. Hey Fool, it's not his fault that you're a big cretin who left things to the last minute. The Delivery Dude moves the van, maybe scared that Fool will start singing his pop single at him. Ian drives off to the wedding. Drive Ian! Drive! It's a cliffhanger. Hurray, they're going to waste two episodes on this bollocks!

HEN NIGHT OF HORROR III
It’s Slutty’s hen night, and she’s not happy. Byrite’s whooping it up in Amsterdam (probably visiting a clog factory or contemplating a Rembrandt at the Rijksmuseum), and all she has to look forward to is an evening of grubby drunken revelations and rioting in the Vic with the Slater women. Even Posh turns up in a wig she seems to have nicked off Babs. Posh salutes Slutty for joining the ranks of the bewigged alcoholic gold diggers while Drippy drips on about love conquering everything. Slutty looks fed up. There’s some stuff with a very muscular drag queen, and Byrite sends the guitarist from the pub covers band over to serenade Slutty. Teen complains that Byrite has outclassed her with his minor music biz contacts – it’s a ginger bloke with a guitar, love. It’s not like Byrite dug up John Lennon and zombiefied him just for the occasion, is it? Mind you, Yoko might have yet another money-spinning idea there…

Everybody keeps saying: “This time tomorrow, you’ll be Mrs Byrite!” and even Byrite texts “You is mah wife now Daaaave” from the tulip fields. Slutty flees to the hospital and tearfully confesses to an unconscious Ethel 2.0 that she loves Fool really. Well…duh!

Ethel 2.0 has had the tap fitted to her head, and Spencer does his best brow-furrowing to date. Fool, meanwhile, serves drinks to the hen party and runs through an entire gallery of sad looks; but he still values his kneecaps too much to go to Slutty’s wedding. Tsk! What a coward, eh?

Ash’s Secret Hell continues. Dadvis and Kareena follow him to what Dadvis says is a secret opium and gambling den in the Community Centre. Wrong! It’s a Gambler’s Anonymous meeting, and Ash is cross with them all. He turns to Shirley for comfort, and they start licking each other’s faces after five minutes of literary chat.

Dadvis and the little Ferreiras ponder the theft of £200 from their living room while DJ Ross lovingly caresses his new crossfader thingumajig from Scalliq. Dadvis says that only a lying lowlife with the principles of a sewer rat would steal from the Ferreiras, and everybody stares at Scalliq’s present.

Please make sure that you are not digesting anything when you read this next bit. AGarry is torn, yes torn, between two women. Sullen starts flicking her Rosa Klebb hair all over him in the pub and slagging off poor Simpleton. Simpleton drags him out of the pub, shags him, and then sends him back to the pub. Something in Fool’s special Hen Night punch must have affected the Slater women’s eyesight because both Sullen and Posh get all flicky hair and fluttery and make suggestive comments about park benches and mechanics’ pits (pure class, these girls). AGarry looks bemused – as do the viewing public.

There is a nanosecond of scriptwriting genius. O-Den is at home, waiting for a call from a man with a plan. Or plans. The plans of some factory or other, to be precise. O-Den takes the plans over to Fill’s place and starts talking about a grand heist that could make everybody lots of money, and help O-Den buy the Vic from Fill. Fill forgets that the last grand heist he was involved in got completely cocked up and involved Cherie Lunghi and Martin Kemp copping off and some bloke with a Napoleon complex ripping off Billy’s testicles, and looks interested despite himself.

THE YEAR OF THE KAT
MMartin looks for jobs and applies himself to selling fruit and vegetables. He apologises again to Sonia for being insensitive on Jaymee's birthday and says that he is going to get a proper job and change for her. Sonia says that he has to change for himself, mmmkay. Wow, who can argue with Mighty Moomin Wisdom?

Dadvis makes reptilian faces and calls a family summit to discuss Ash's gambling problem. All the kids are doubtful. He take Shirley out for a drink and they witter on about birthdays and kids etc. zzz. Meanwhile Scalliq is longing for DJ Ross and says he was only selling drugs to buy new DJ wheels of steel. He gives DJ Ross the money he nicked on Friday and tells DJR to buy a new Cross Fader Dominator or whatever.

Sullen calls A-Garrry and asks him to come round so they can divide up their stuff. They bicker and then end up shagging each other. Sullen still chucks him out afterwards. Meanwhile, Simpleton taks to Pat about how Garry asked to marry her last week. Pat's hair looks really wierd. She says that Simpleton could do worse, especially seeing as how she is a frog-faced, single mum. Simpleton looks thoughtful. When A-Garry gets home after shagging Sullen, Simpleton is waiting for him in bed in a saucy black nightie. Aiiieee! My eyes!!

Drippy simpers around the Vic and watches Fool and Slutty non-flirting with each other. Fool offers her a barmaid job and Drippy acts really shocked like he has asked her to go on the game or something. She goes to Kyert's Klassy Klawitorium, gets a free manicure and watches Kyert boss Sham around. The shop is very purple. Kyert says that if she can "run her own business" (which Fill gave to her after she gave up her proper job. Shut up, Kyert) then Drippy can be a barmaid. Drippy accepts the job and messes up at first but then likes it when a drinker flirts with her. Meanwhile Fool gives a big speech to celebrate Slutty's last day at work and the fabulous year of tortured relationship drama they have shared. Fool and Backstreet have to take Ethel 2.0 to hospital to get a spigot fitted to her skull. Ethel puts a brave face on it so as not to worry the boys. When the lads get back, Slutty asks Fool to read something at her wedding. Fool says he can't go as he has to defrost all the sausage rolls and also would like to keep his kneecaps for later use. Slutty stomps off and cries as she walks home. Fool laughs hysterically and bangs his head against the bar. Only joking, he looks sad. Maybe he is thinking about West Ham's performance at the weekend. Dude, they were winning 3-0!!!!

BISHOPS STORTFORD: THE NEW CHIGWELL?
Moomin feels dirty and cheap after her minute of passion with MMartin and chucks him out as soon as Dot and Jim leave for the day. She takes a bunch of flowers to Jaymee’s grave (it’s his birthday) and weeps for her betrayal of Manbreasts. Oh come on love, he slept with Teen. And Juhneen.

MMartin now thinks he’s in love with Moomin and vows to change his ways to make himself worthy of her. Like she cares or something.

Kyert is excited about her new nailbar opportunity – after all who wants to be a boring old police inspector and go around chasing criminals and solving murders when you can make money painting other peoples’ nails? Fill wants Kyert to employ Sham. O-Den calls and asks Fill to meet him in the Vic for a small-time ganglord summit.

Ethel 2.0 wants Backstreet to come to the hospital with her. Fool has to ask Slutty to look after the pub for him, even though Byrite has arranged a viewing of a big house in Bishop’s Stortford (I suppose Chigwell is just too…Essex for Byrite). Slutty says yes to Fool. Byrite is cross and goes over to tell Fill that his pub manager has a sick granny and keeps shutting up the pub for no reason and seems to be after his bird. Fill goes over to the Vic to meet O-Den and discovers that the lager’s off, and gets cross. O-Den tells Fill he wants his pub back and we have a brief Watts/Mitchell unmixy things conversation. Fill writes an enormous sum on the back of an envelope and O-Den says, OK. Fill laughs at all the money he is going to con out of O-Den and goes off to steal sweets from small children or something.

Kyert’s standing outside her nearly-finished nailbar (called Kyert’s Klassy Klaw Salon or something equally naff) when Denman comes over to sneer at Kyert’s thwarted ambition and potato-faced husband. Kyert says that her Fill is harder than Denman’s Dad, and besides, they’re all matey in the Vic right now. Denman is perturbed to find that yes, what Kyert says is true.

Meanwhile, Ethel’s tests go on all day and Byrite is getting crosser and crosser about Slutty working in a cheap East End boozer instead of wafting about his Hertfordshire dream home, drinking gin and finding 101 ways to remove stubborn blood stains. He tells Slutty to give up her job as soon as Fool comes back.

At the Ferreiras, Dadvis comes up with a cunning plan to prove that Ash is still up to his old gambling ways. He leaves a carefully-arranged wad of 20s on the stereo and announces that he's going out for the day. Scalliq turns up unexpectedly to see if DJ Ross will take him back, but DJ Ross does more shouting and arm-waving. Ash moans that he can't get any marking done and storms off to the library. Scalliq helps himself to a few 20s from the stereo stash and departs.

A nice bearded consultant announces finally that Ethel 2.0 has hydrocephalus – water on the brain. The Moons look anxious. Don’t you actually need a brain in the first place for that one? Maybe they’re scared that the surgeon will open up Ethel’s skull and be sucked into a rift in the space/time continuum. Ethel’s happy that she’s not going insane, she really is just stupid after all.

Byrite finds Fool and Slutty cleaning out the lagery cellar, forces Slutty to quit on the spot, and into the car she goes. He goes back to warn Fool to stay away from his bird or else. More calendar fodder…

WRATH OF A MOOMIN
All the Watts sit around and complain about Fill and his low down dirty tricks. Shazza still can't believe that Fill tried to get her club shut down. Don't hate the playa, hate the game Shazza. Or something. O-Den says he will get his revenge, all in good time. Fill and Minty laugh like schoolgirls but then Shazz approaches Fill and says "You're going to regret that you did that..." Fill asks Araminta what went wrong. How would he know? You're the one who planted the drugs, thicko. Later on Fill and Minty are in the Vic when the Watts posse arrive. O-Den offers to buy Fill a drink and glares at him, all "Blue Steele" like in Zoolander.

Dadvis continues to let Ash build up a tissue of lies about his faux job. He makes Adull show him the accounts and then shouts at him even though he hasn't done anything else wrong.

Byrite Andy goes round to the Slaters' house while Slutty is still at the Vic with Fool. Drippy lies and says that Slutty is with a girl friend. Drippy is looking really pale these days. She needs to play out more or eat some spinach or something. Later on Byrite overhears Fool and Backstreet talking about how Slutty spent the night with them and acts all jealous.

Sullen watches Slutty and Byrite skipping around together and confides to Charlie that she wants to resolve things with Annoying Gary. Later she phones and asks him to meet for a chat. AGary gets all excited, shaves and buys her a flower. He starts wittering on about how it's nice they are talking again but Sullen wants a D.I.V.O.R.C.E.

Baz decides that he is going to announce his engagement at the Vic with champagne etc. Juhneen gets dressed up as a 1960's spy lady (black polo neck and leather coat) and goes to tell Bad Brutha what's happening. He mutters and shuffles his feet. Later on he is moping around on the couch and Yolande guesses that he is having woman trouble. Baz makes his speech and Juhneen smiles martyredly. Pat and Rickay huddle together and mutter darkly about this shocking development.

Poline asks Martin what he is going to do for money now that he is back . Gay Pike immediately hassles him to work on the stall. Martin has a stroppy fit and stomps off. He tries hitting up all his friends for cash but no-ones has any time or cash for him. He is reduced to drinking Special Brew and sulking in the allotment.

Sonia (or Miss Jackson if you're nasty!) has got her nurse interview and puts on a styling Next poly-cotton suit for the occassion. When the man calls her in she drops all her bits of paper and looks hapless. After it has finished she goes to Jaymee's grave and moans that it was rubbish and she needs a hug. At home she finds out that Dot'n'Jim have gone out to watch Kill Bill or something. She goes out and runs into Martin who asks for money and moans that everyone is being mean to him and that no-one would last 5 minutes in the joint. Sonia shouts "shut up, you annoying idiot! I hate you!" and runs away. Martin is shocked and follows her home. Sonia has a big shouty scene where she says that she still hates Martin for knocking her up and killing ol' Manbreasts and that she wishes that Martin had never been born and that she is sick of him moaning and acting like a div when he would be better off dead. Also she is sick of being nice all the time and putting up with Dot and Jim. You get it off your chest, love. Martin makes sobby faces and screams that he hates himself for doing bad things and that he'd do anything to make things up to Sonia. Oh dear, they really shouldn't make Martin try to do that much acting. More shouting and scenery chomping and then Sonia and Martin suddenly start kissing passionately. Eh?

DHAL D FOR DRUGS
Fill has a cunning plan, which he whispers to Minty (I reckon this is short for Araminta), and they spend the rest of the ep cackling conspiratorially. O-Den is suspicious when he sees Fill handing huge wodges of cash to Gary Neville, who seems to have become a dodgy electrician. Maybe Man U is adopting the Ajax system and training their players in alternative trades in preparation for their retirement from Premiership football. Arsenal might be advised to do something similar for Francis Jeffers. He could be a deep sea diver.

(EDIT: Dear Gooners, he's on loan to Everton. Therefore he's technically still your £8m problem)

Slutty is horrible to Fool and is wearing a pink v-neck jumper that does absolutely nothing for her. Drippy seems to have forgotten that she cleans houses for a living and spends the entire day perched on a barstool, looking concerned. Fool looks martyred when Slutty buggers off for the day, leaving her Bridezilla Honeymoon Brochures behind her.

Fill’s Cunning Plan Pt 2. He finds a flimsy pretext to visit the club – ostensibly to invite Squeaky to MiniFill’s birthday party. Denman goes to fetch Squeaky and Gary Neville stages a freak power cut. Fill plants what looks like a packet of yellow split peas at the back of the bar, and runs out, giggling. Denman calls Gary Neville in to fix the power cut, O-Den meets Gary on the way out and glowers suspiciously.

I cannot believe we have another parent and child fighting for the love of AN Other. We’ve had Biancaaa vs Carol for Dastardly Dan; Slutty and Teen for Dr Perv; and now the latest is Dadvis and Ash for Drippy Shirley. Dadvis asks Shirley out, and Shirley says mmm…well OK. She offers to meet chez Ferreira and returns Ash’s book. They exchange longing looks, and then Dadvis whisks her off to the pub.

Meanwhile, Fill’s party for MiniFill is in full swing. AGarry keeps putting his arm around Simpleton and not noticing her flinching – or maybe he’s used to it. Then Araminta lights the huge firework display that he has somehow managed to set up in McArfur Park without the council knowing.

Just as the first rocket sails into the air, DS Fat Bastard and his Porky Plods turn up with a search warrant for the nightclub. Denman and O-Den are in the middle of ransacking the place, looking for whatever Fill has planted while Shazza goes: “But he wouldn’t do that. He’s my ex-boyfriend and he still loves me. I know he does.” Mentalist. DS FB’s boys give the place a thorough going over, but O-Den spots the dhal/drugs behind the bar and pockets them before the coppers notice. After the police apologise and leave, Shazza and Denman want to sort it aaaht with Fill for once and for all, but O-Den holds them back and puts his Angel of Vengeance face, promising he’ll sort Fill ahhht for once and for all…but not yet. Oh no, not yet.

Shirley gives Dadvis the brush-off, and Dadvis returns home to console himself with a bottle of whisky and a Razzle mag. He discovers that Ash is out, and that he’s not really teaching evening classes after all. Oh no!

Araminta’s fireworks cause mayhem at the Moons’. Ethel 2.0 thinks the Luftwaffe is flying overhead, and keeps screaming hysterically. Fool tells Drippy and Backstreet to close the pub down before somebody calls the police. Slutty drops by to pick up her Bridezilla brochures and hears the screams. She runs upstairs, calms down Ethel and takes her for a nice walk. Ethel asks her about her impending nuptials and Fool runs through another lovely set of sad looks for the calendar.

Oh yes, Baz/Juhneen. Juhneen avoids Bazza all day. Bazza confides in Bad Brutha, who tries to hide his pain behind a veil of cigarette smoke. In the end, Juhneen says yes because as God is her witness, she'll never go hungry again.

And MMartin is back. With a tan. Nice weather they're having in Edinburgh.

REDRUM! REDRUM!
Kareena and Adull find out that Gavin has recreated various scenes from "Carrie" and "The Shining" in the van where they keep all their stock. They grass him up to the cops while Dadvis stands around being all officious and annoying for a change. It turns out that Dadvis neglected to renew their insurance but he blames Adull anyway and shouts that he is going to take the stall over again and that Adull is a big disappointment. He is, like, one step away from thrashing him with a wire coathanger. Adull is sad.

Interfering busybody Poline tries to find Gay Pike's little Pikelets by phoning all the Harkonnen's(?) in the phone book. When that doesn't work she asks Sonia to tell her how the Interweb works. Cyber-Moomin powers activate! They find out what school the kids went to and leave a message for them on Pals Reunionated dot com.

A-Gary is getting hornay. I don't know where this plot is going but I don't like it already.

Juhneeen has a crisis summit with Bad Brutha about Baz-ra's indecent proposal. BB is all grumpy and doesn't say much. Juhneen says that Baz will throw her out if she doesn't agree and talks herself into getting married. BB still doesn't say much so she says "thansk for the advice, bitch" and runs away to cry the Bitter Tears of the Sad Gold-Digger. Boo hoo.

Fill und Kyert are back from their holiday. Jubilation! Squeaky now has the straggly scraped back hair of having reached rock bottom but now taking things one day at a time. She goes to see the baybay and manages to act like a normal person the whole time she is there. When Fill finds out that Sham got the sack he decides that it is a Plot! Kyert stands around mouthing worthy platitudes. Whatever, Kyert. Later on, Fill sees O-Den chatting to Squeaky and decides to wreak a terrible revenge. zzzz.

Slutty brings her wedding dress home. Teen and Sullen joke that it is probably made of red pleather and leopardskin effect viscosette. Slutty has a total sense of humour failure and runs around clutching a pile of "Bridezilla Monthly" type magazines. she gets Fool to tell her that she has good dress sense (blind: leading more blind) and makes him agree to come round and praise her wedding dress. Fool manages to get a cheap brain scan for Ethel off Lastminute.com and of course, it clashes with his flattery session. Slutty puts on the dress (it is an old fashioned white strapless number that emphasises her extremely broad, burnt umber coloured shoulders) and moans to Drippy about Fool failing to be her spineless bitch for once. She runs over, totally over reacts and tells him that their friendship is ovah! OVAH!!! Fool mutters that she doesn't understand (and whose fault is that, fuckwit?) and provides facial expressions for April - August of the "Shane Ritchie looking sad" calendar.