DOUBLE DIM-DENMAN-TY

Trini-dad is sad that his Carribean Queen has stopped writing to him. He gets maudlin drunk with Jim and they say the names of fish in a lascivious manner. Don't ask me. In the end Jim goes off and suddenly there is a knock on the door and there is Yolande! She has left her hubby to be with Trini-dad in Walford, the poor fool. Trini-dad is shocked.

The doctor arrives to assess Ethel 2.0. Perhaps working at the Vic comes with hella cool health insurance because I can't see why else a consultant would make a house call. The doctor is an Irish lady with choppy Clairol hair dye ad type hair. Fool and Backstreet are lovably sexist about a doctor! who's a lady! Dr says that Ethel may have had some micro-strokes that have caused her to go batty. She has to do more tests.

Slutty still feels rejected by the Moons and their top secret mentalism. She goes off to Brighton (Sodom of the South) with Byrite Andy. Charlie compliments Andy's penismobile so Andy gives him a West Ham season ticket. Is that like Slutty's dowry or something?

DJ Ross and Teen are all happy happy joy joy because they finally had a shag. Scalliq is all desperate to hear about the sex because of his gay love for DJ Ross. Kellay says she doesn't mind and then flounces passive-aggressively round the stall and sighs for three hours. The teen muppet boys want to go to some club so Martin steals money from the stall to get them in and falsifies the books. Three words Martin: "Gross Profit Percentage"

Drippy emotionally blackmails Billy into going to fess up at the insurance company. It turns out that Posh Drag Slater is going to a spa for a week and wants Drippy to go too.

Gavin menaces Shirley by placing sinister bets at the bookies. Tracey has a line! ("Can you change the barrel, Fill, it says here") I bet she is the one paying Gavin to be mean to Shirley.

Fill is beset by foes. Denman keeps popping up and disappearing like the scary midget in "Don't Look now" Fill goes crying and telling tales to Andy but Andy doesn't care and tells Fill to stop being such a whiney bitch. When he gets home Fill finds Squeaky having tea with Kyert. He squeals "What's that? Cake? No cake for Squeaky!" Ha ha ha, what a total idiot. Squeaky makes a sarcastic face (like "enjoy your cake, while you're still ALIVE!!!)"and leaves. She is still wearing that dark purple nail varnish from boots no 7 "murderous ultravixen" range. Later on Kyert phones and says that Squeaky can see Lou every thursday. Lisa thanks her and then practices evil smiles in the mirror. Fill goes off to the Vic and has to change a barrel as Fool is busy supervising the lady doctor (who ever heard of such a thing!). Denman appears from behind a different barrel and shouts at Fill for grassing him up to Andy about killing Mad Frankie Knuckles. They scuffle lamely and then Denman says they have to have a fight to settle it. Handbags at dawn! Are they 12 or something? oh well, maybe Denman will take his shirt off.

THE HIT MAN AND HER
Squeaky keeps watch on Chez Fill from her vantage point close to Loser's Bench. Fill still won't co-operate - even when Kyert forces him to eat horrible Northern food. Squeaky goes off to meet the mystery assassin in the park.

NB: please note that large-racked women shouldn't wear polo necks, particularly cream ones.

Shirley wakes up on the Ferreira sofa. The Little Ferreiras smirk knowingly at Dadvis. Shirley keeps banging on about the poor bloody cat and Evil Neighbour being an Evil Cat-Killing Coldplay fan who probably doesn't even want to MakeTrade Fair. Dadvis goes to talk to Evil Neighbour, who says he found the dead cat in the middle of the road, scooped it up and left it on the doorstep because he didn't know what else to do. I think he's had a haircut to make him look more Eeevil. Anyway, Dadvis believes him, but Shirley starts going: "Noooo...he's an evil Cat-Killing Coldplay fan". Dadvis hides the rabbit hutch and the kettle, just in case.

Drippy is cross about the secret cash, that turns out to be insurance money for the robbery. For some reason he can't put it back. So Drippy gets all self-righteous about being married to a thieving git (well, he is a Mitchell). I still don't know what's going on here.

Ethel 2.0 - still gaga and wants to go "home". Fool hits on the genius solution of putting her in a cab and driving her round and round in circles until she gets all dizzy and thinks that the Queen Vic is home after all. All this Ethel activity distracts him from Slutty, who keeps trying to say: "save me from Byrite Andy! Save me save me save me!" in special Slutty code, but Fool doesn't cotton on. Slutty agrees to go on a day trip to Brighton with Byrite Andy - apparently he's got some "business" with an errant publican, a pair of wellingtons and some concrete or something.

Squeaky meets up with the Hit Man, who first demands £20k, then when he finds out it's Fill, raises the price to £35k. She asks: "Why? Is it because he's got a particularly hard head or what?" Apparently Fill has a bit of a reputation among hitmen. Squeaky scoffs and calls him a big girly scaredy-cat, but Hit Man won't shift.

DJ Ross consults the still-single Scalliq on how to get Teen's knickers off. Scalliq advises him to cook Teen a lovely meal and slip her the "L" word. Kareena tries to save the day by cooking the meal for Scalliq and adding about a ton of chili to put Teen off. But DJ Ross turns on the "I'm a loser baby, so why don't you shag me?" line and tells her he loves her. Teen's knickers fly off. Tsk!

Speaking of knickers, Squeaky invites Hit Man over to her place (where is this luxury flat, and how the hell can she afford it). She has changed into something black and slinky, and offers her rack to Hit Man in return for a discount handgun so she can sort Fill out herself. Hit Man leers as she undoes her frilly blouse. A nation says: "Oh for fuck's sake! What is this? Dynasty??"

SQUEAKINATOR

Ethel 2.0: still mad. Fool continues to make heartwarming, wounded faces. All the slaters harrass Slutty into accepting a date with Byrite Andy. She gives him a big long list of all the food she doesn't fancy and says that he has to think of something good. When she shows up for the date he walks her to a park and gives her some fish and chips and pulls a bottle of champagne from a nearby stinking bog (OK, it's a pond, but still: ewww). Also he has a pub rock covers band hidden behind a shrub (best not to think about where their instruments are plugged in) who plays them cheesy beatles songs while they eat their cold chips. Instead of punching him in the face and walking off, Slutty is amused and has a nice time and later gives Andy a snog outside the pub. Fool sees them and is sad. Again. I am getting very sick of heartwarming vulnerable Fool, I have to say. Just release a "shane ritchie crying" calendar and be done with it.

The insurance money for billy's club "robbery" comes through just before shazz is due to return. Billy is mean to Drippy about money and runs off. Drippy finds a carrier bag full of secret cash in their flat and is shocked and appalled. I don't know what's going on there.

Shirley runs around looking for Boots and in the end finds poor dead Boots in a bin bag outside the flat. So sad. She cries and runs to Dadvis who puts the kettle on - but only to make a cup of tea and not to tip boiling water over evil neighbour man. There is some nonsense about Ash being cagey about a new Eng Lit teaching job he supposedly has. Or does he?

Moomin (who is looking extra moomintroll today with her hair all back off her face) shows up at the hospital and finds that Blonde Victim and his girlf are planning on getting married and have realised that every day is special, blah blah, trite sentiment, etc. She is sad because she knows it is illegal for 12 year olds to wed, and also because it reminds her of Jaymee and it's not fair etc etc. Zzzz. Jim tells her that she has to move on. Moomin goes to the cemetery and says to Jaymee's grave: "I love you a lot but you're dead, so bye". She symbollically gives Ethel 1.0's One Ring of Predestination to blond victim and his child bride (I shout "Nooo! It's Cursed!") and walks off smiling serenely yet tearfully to grab MY Gus from the plot cupboard for some hot lovin'

New Icy Replicant Squeaky shows up for her visit clutching the Talismanic Blue Bunny. Fill glowers at it suspiciously, as though she has concealed a getaway gyrocopter in it or something. He lurks around until Kyert tells him to get lost and then Kyert and Squeaky play with Louise and bond. Squeaky explains how after Fill used his Evil Powers of Soliliquy, she tried to kill herself but couldn't and instead went to stay with that lady in the floral dress who was (handily) a psychotherapist who had a set of bitching hair straighteners and could condition Squeaky into becoming a ruthless killing machine, just like in Nikita (maybe). Ace Detective Kyert pops out to get a pint of milk and when she gets back Squeaky and Louise are gone. Danger Kyert Mitchell!! she phones Fill and they panic and flap around and are just about to phone all the airports when Squeaky returns, having just taken the baybay for a walk. She explains that she left a note and her mobile number and then reads the note to Fill in a really patronising voice, as though he is a small child. Ha ha! I am convinced that this is Squeaky's evil twin and the real Squeaky will show up any second gibbering "but I wuv you, Fill!" She says that she doesn't want custody, just regular access and Fill grudgingly agrees. Later on Squeaky smiles secretly in her hotel room and phones a mate of Mel, drops Steve Owen's name and says she wants a job doing; a "terminal" job!! Dun dun dunnnn! Knowing Eastenders she is just ringing IT support...

NANA GONE CRAZY
Ethel 2.0's craziness continues. She seems OK to Fool and Backstreet, until she confuses going to the doctor's with going on holiday and emerges from her bedroom in a fur coat, hat and suitcase full of tinned pilchards. She insists that she's perfectly well, and she won't go to the doctor. Fool invites Dr Boden-Shirt over, and he gives her the "are you ga-ga" questionnaire while she turns into my Great Auntie Minna - "ooh...you cheeky thing...Are you asking me out, young man?"...etc. Dr Boden-Shirt breaks the news to Fool and Backstreet that he doesn't know if she's truly senile or not, and she'll have to go to a specialist. Ethel overhears this and thinks they're going to put her in a home. She throws a wobbler (having waited until the nice doctor has left so he can't section her), and locks herself in the bathroom. Fool spends the rest of the episode sobbing outside the bathroom door (thousands of women up and down the country come over all unnecessary) and pleading with her to open up, and promising not to put her in a home (nonsense! she'll have a lovely time - running feuds with other old ladies, chatting up the few remaining old men...my nan loved it).

Shane does the whole thing very well, and even I'm tempted to give him a hug. For about three seconds, and then I remembered it's Shane Richie we're talking about here...

New Look Squeaky is wearing a cream linen suit today that bunches up around her rack and makes her look short. Fill whisks Mini-Fill away from Squeaky when they bump into her outside the Kwik-E-Mart, but Squeaky's cleverer than Fill. She convinces Kyert that she's neither bitter nor angry, and all she wants to do is see Mini Fill. Kyert works on Fill, who realises that she's making him look like the paranoid weirdo, not Squeaky, and agrees to a supervised hour of access time. Whoopdedoo. Squeaky smiles winningly and thanks him. Fill looks sick as his brain cell goes into paranoid overdrive.

Today's stalkee is Charlie Slater. Byrite Andy gets him to take him to Southend and back for a stick of rock and £300. There's a non-comedy sub-joke about Big Mo's shelf coming off the wall (go to fucking IKEA, woman). Byrite Andy meets the entire Slater family in the pub, presents the stick of rock to Slutty, who tells him he's a creepy stalker and to leave her alone. The other Slaters look confused. Byrite Andy gives her a kicked pitbull look and leaves.

Shirley apologises to Dadvis, and to Evil Neighbour, who is ungracious. Later, she makes a phone call, and sticks cotton wool in her ears to drown out the Dadrock nonsense coming through the ceiling. Then Evil Neighbour takes the torture to new levels and plays Coldplay on 11. Noooooooooooo!!! Shirley calls the council, and a man with a microphone comes over to stand in the middle of the living room, monitoring Chris Martin's ceaseless whining and shaking his head disapprovingly.

Moomin finds Blond Victim's girlfriend standing at the crash spot, looking moony and muttering about how she can't cope. Moomin powers activate! She convinces Girlfriend to go back to the hospital and sing Glaswegian street songs to Blond Victim until he makes a miracle recovery. Moomin is happy. Blond Victim looks scared.

CHIRPY CHIRPY SQUEAK SQUEAK

It's morning at the Queen Vic. Backstreet wakes up Fool with the news that there is somebody moving around downstairs. Fool leaps out of bed, girds his West Ham jimmy jams and creeps downstairs, baseball bat in hand. It's only Ethel 2.0, however, flapping about and being crazy some more. There's lots more Ethel doing quite good crazy acting. Eventually Fool and Backstreet break down in tears (my mum goes: "aaaah" at the sight of Alfie crying into his West Ham jimmy jams) and call Doctor Boden-Shirt

Poline has a go at Squeaky, saying she has no right to come swanning back with her new hair and faaaaancy ways. She tries to make Squeaky guilty with the news that Mark sent her a postcard from Sun Hill police station, and he's very happy. Half dead, but happy. Squeaky is all: "I'm not going to argue with you Poline because life's too short to be a prune-faced, grudge bearing old harridan and I'm not a squeaky co-dependent nutjob any more...lalala!" Even Sham has a go, but nothing, it seems, can dent Squeaky's non-nutty demeanour.

Fill is scared to leave the house because there's a short woman with a big rack and a secret smile waiting to mess with his mind. Kyert and Sham drag him off to the pub, where Squeaky watches Kyert and Fill spend their honeymoon in the pub instead of Mauritius and smirks. I'd like to think this is leading up to something, but I don't think the scriptwriters have got a clue either.

Scalliq, that great laydeez man, advises DJ Ross to pretend that he's got women fighting to get into his trousers because this will make Teen jealous and desperate to jump his bones before anybody else. Teen is unimpressed. Well, duh, 70s boy! When this doesn't work, Scalliq changes tack and tells DJ Ross to buy Teen flowers and go on about how much he respects and admires her for not putting out for a wine gum like some girls he could mention. Kellay's lip quivers. My cry of derision scares the cat (our cat Frank, that is, not Shirley's cat, who is perfectly alright....for now...).

Byrite Andy ups the Slater Stalking ante and buys all the size 10 garments in the Teen 'n' Kellay Fashion Palace. A nation laughs at the idea that Slutty is a size 10. Byrite Andy thinks again and decides to buy all the size 12 stuff as well. Teen and Kellay take the rest of the day off to tell Slutty about this lovely bloke with absolutely no fashion sense and wodges of cash. Slutty is perturbed.

Moomin is about to do a Nurse Janette out of Footba££er$ Wive$ on the blond crash victim, but his girlfriend interrupts them. Moomin retreats, muttering.

NC wrinkly sex sub-plot: TriniDad thinks Rum Lady has dumped him. Jim uses his handy forging talents to copy out a Dylan Thomas poem (presumably not "Do Not Go Gentle...") in TriniDad's handwriting and posts it.

BOOTS IS MISSING
Fill is cross about Squeaky's return and her new, hard-faced blonde hairstyle. Kyert reminds him that he was utterly horrible to Squeaky and she doesn't think she wants to adopt Mini Fill with all this going on. Fill gets crosser and goes off to see Marcus the Most Versatile Lawyer in the World.

Meanwhile Squeaky is trying to put her eyeliner on straight and failing dismally. She keeps smirking to herself in private moments, like she's got a big secret that we're all going to find out about by the end of the week.

M-Martin is vile and ghastly to all and sundry. Gay Pike tells him he can't have any money until he works off his debt to society and Gay Pike. Even Moomin's special powers fail to make him less evil. Mr P says that if he had to come home from prison to Gay Pike and Poline, he'd be doing his best to get banged up again.

Squeaky goes over to see Moomin. They bond and Moomin tells her the news (just read the blog, Squeaky). Squeaky is upset about Jaymee, but she doesn't ask why, if Moomin has two not-bad A-levels, is she working as a healthcare assistant and not doing a nursing course.

Ethel 2.0: still dotty. Fool and Backstreet are sad.

Finding that sending unimaginative gifts does nothing to stimulate Slutty's interest, Byrite Andy decides to stalk her family instead. He pays Drippy a small fortune to clean his gangster gaff in Chigwell or wherever. Drippy is happy. Slutty says he's a creepy stalker and should be shot. Alfie adopts the kicked labrador expression. My mum goes: "Aaaah".

The missing cat saga continues. Shirley distributes missing cat posters around the Square and gets lots of strange advice from Jim. Evil Neighbour looks on, evilly. We discover that he is the new manager of the video shop (wasn't that Robbie's old job?) and he refuses to put up the Missing Adorable Cat poster, telling Shirley that there's no point because the cat's probably dead anyway. Shirley goes running to Dadvis, cries on his shoulder and tells him that Evil Neighbour has killed her cat for sure.

Dadvis marches over to the pub, where he finds Evil Neighbour enjoying a quiet pint. Dadvis gets all macho and embarrassing on Evil Neighbour's ass, and then Drippy walks in, carrying the cat. The cat must have been drugged, because any feline worth its collar would be biting, scratching, yowling and generally ripping the flesh off Shirley's shoulder, but this one just sits in her arms and looks slightly pissed-off (but still adorable). Dadvis looks embarrassed.

M-Martin is still sulking. Suddenly a young blond boy pushes past him, rushes in front of a car and is knocked over. Jaymee Flashback-o-Rama! Moomin swings into action, using her Moomin powers to stop the victim from dying before the ambulance reaches him. She cadges a lift into work with the ambulance drivers, and waits anxiously in the corridors while doctors prod and poke and use the machine that goes ping on the blond kid.

Nobody bothers with M-Martin's Jaymee Flashback, so he steals some money from Poline and goes clubbing with Asif.

Fill returns from his meeting with Dodgy Marcus in an even worse mood. Dodgy Marcus says he hasn't got a legal leg to stand on and the best thing to do is talk to Squeaky. As if by magic, Squeaky appears at the door. She does the Nice Ex-Girlfriend From Hell Act on Kyert, who is quickly despatched upstairs to make sure Mini Fill doesn't disappear magically while Squeaky is downstairs. Squeaky's hair is starting to curl at the ends, but she manages not to squeak at all during Fill's usual verbal onslaught. He threatens to call the police; she says: "Hmmm...set against your subsequent crimes of perjury, kidnap, aggravated assault...go on then. This'll be interesting". Go Squeaky! Fill huffs and puffs and fails to blow Squeaky's little playhouse down, and she leaves with her secret little smile still intact.

SQUEAK OF THE DEVIL

This is mainly the all wedding, all day extravaganza but it also turns out that shirley's adorable fluffy cat has gone missing. NOOOOOOOO!!!!! she asks Bad Meighbour Bloke if he has seen the cat and he starts rambling on about how it is the sort of cat a witch might have. Umm, okayyy Crucible Boy.

Victorian Dad comes back from the police station all smug that he could have grassed up Billy for smacking him. He barges into where Kyert is getting ready and says "Fill's a crim, why aye, mon!" Kyert: "like, duh!" Vic-Dad starts ranting on about how can Kyert leave "the Force" (Kyert is a jedi knight? when did that happen?) for a thug like Fill. Kyert reminds vic-Dad that he himself was booted from copville for beating up a suspect. Vic Dad makes angry faces and runs away or something.

It turns out that Minty is stranded in Edinburgh so Billy is roped in to be the best man. His pinched little face all lights up. They have to break into the B&B to get all the rings and stuff. Kyert is all upset but Toothy Friend cheers her up and they get ready. Kyert wears an ivory halter topped dress thing but they only ever show her from the tits up so you never get a good look at it. Also her hair is in a giant bun. At the registry office, desperate needy Kyert makes them pretend to get married before the registrar shows up.

Ethel 2.0 continues to be mad and runs around telling everyone that she is going to get married. minty reappears (having teleported from edinburgh, apparently) and spots Ethel acting all crazy. Fool is mortified that his family secret is out but Minty is all sympathetic as his own mum also had alzheimers and gives advice etc.

Vic-dad reappears and says mean things and then runs away. Kyert wants to go after him but Fill goes instead and tracks him down to a pub. He says "dude, you're an alcoholic, we have something in common after all" and starts to set Vic-dad onto the first of his twelve steps. what is this? Ugly Bald Bloke Counselling Day? Kyert appears just in time to see them shaking hands. Retch. Vic-dad says to Kyert that he's leaving and that he'll probably have to commit suicide now that he has no job, pension, family or freinds. Bye then. As he leaves in one cab, a lady in pointy high heel shoes gets out of another cab. Who could it be?

Ethel 2.0 burns all her hats in the oven. At the reception Minty is reinstated as best man but then Billy gives the (boring, unfunny) speech anyway as Minty is all unprepared. Kyert tells Fill that she will adopt Mini-fill after all. Kyert throws her bouquet and then everyone freezes in horror. It has been caught by Squeaky, back from the dead!!!! Dun dun dunnnnn! Squeaky is wearing a snazzy suit and has finally found a conditioner for damaged, over processed hair. "Aren't I lucky" she simpers squeakily as everyone stares at her in shock. Arse! I am out of the country next week!

HEN NIGHT OF HORROR
It's Bridezilla Kyert's hen night, but Kyert is more worried about her dad turning up and spoiling everything. From the depths of the EE prop cupboard appear a china cake stand and posh cups with matching saucers. They've even bought fondant fancies! Dadzilla turns out to be straight out of the "Victorian Dad" strip in Viz, and doesn't think Fill, with his casual cockernee ways and uncivilised eating habits, is a good match for his daughter. Never mind the gangsterism,the thuggery and attempted murder, the man doesn't know how to use a doily.

Oh yes, and Dadzilla's an alcoholic who travels around with a case full of cheap whisky. Nobody mentions the smell, though.

Meanwhile, Sham is trying to find enough women to pretend to be Kyert's friends for the evening. She invites Simpleton, but Sullen kicks up a fuss and bans all Slaters from going. Yawn. Minty, on the other hand, has assembled Fill's gang and is demonstrating how to tie somebody to the table with gaffa tape. This backfires later, when the entire gang turns on Minty, gaffas him to the hilt and throws him into the back of a council refuse truck. That's abduction and attempted murder then, Fill...

Byrite Andy's stalker present of the day is: a watch - possibly an even worse plot device than the ballet tickets. Kill him now. Slutty thinks it's a cheap fake and throws it at Mo. Mo flogs it for 50 squids and gets Charlie a knockoff DVD player and lots of Tweenies DVDs in boxes labelled "Slasher Movies from Hell IV". Later, Slutty finds the receipt and the watch cost £4000. Classy, Byrite - didn't your mum ever tell you that revealing the cost of gifts is a cheap and tacky thing to do?

So anyway, Toothy friend-of-Kyert meets Fill and says: "not bad" to Kyert. Is she on crack? Or is she just being polite? Later on TFOK picks a fight with Sham over the non-appearance of anybody at Kyert's hen night. Kyert marches over to the Slaters and bribes them with alcohol. Seconds later, the Slaters arrive en masse, and the real drinking starts.

At Fill's stag night, the boys all reminisce about Fill's former marriages, his run-ins with the police and sundry exploits that give Dadzilla a face like a cat's arse. Then Minty produces a yard of ale. For an alcoholic. Well done Minty. Dadzilla drinks the lot and conforms to Northern stereotype by trying to pick a fight with the entire pub and insulting Jaymee, Ethel 2.0 (still gaga) and their mothers. He then goes over to the nightclub and picks a fight with the Slater women, but Drippy sorts him out with her "I know you. You're a bully" speech. Dadzilla slags off Drippy to Billy and gets a punch on the nose. He also calls the EE cast "peasants" and "payented slappahs".

Side-plottette 1: Ethel 2.0 is still gaga. Fool doesn't want Fill to know.

Side-plottette 2: DJ Ross makes an another attempt on Teen's lost maidenhood. Teen runs to the club and confesses to Kellay that she's nervous. Kellay scoffs: "Ain't you done it yet?" and Teen replies that not everybody will put out for a wine gum like some she could mention. Kellay is sad. Teen is sad. DJ Ross is running out of Kleenex.

A LITTLE PEACE
That's all Shirley wants. But Gavin the neighbour sneers and is horrid about her using the hoover during daylight hours. He gets a visit from the council noise people and is cross with Shirley. Boo! Hiss!

M-Martin continues to be a baaad mofo, sloping off the stall as soon as Gay Pike's back is turned, stealing the takings and lying to his mother. Yawn...sticky end...yawn....

Slutty gets tickets to the ballet from her stalker of the day, Byrite Andy. She mutters some more about not being up for sale or something, and Mo suddenly remembers that she and Charlie are members of the Darcey Bussell fan club. I mean, the ballet? How desperate are you, EE scriptwriters?

DJ Ross tries to get into Teen's knickers. Teen remembers her near-ho experience and puts him off. DJ Ross is sad. And frustrated.

Derek decides to own up about his reefer madness conviction after he finds out that he beat Ash to the part-time drama teacher's job. The community centre bloke consults with Ash, but finds out that his ideas are too "radical" (like what, a full run of the complete works of Edward Bond, followed by Peter Brook-style orgies in the market at Christmas?). Gay Pike gets to keep the job.

Wedding from Hell update: Babs aint coming back from Rio for the wedding. Fill is cross. Bridezilla discovers that her alcoholic ex police chief father is on his way to meet his East End gangster son-in-law. Fill meets up with Sonia at Jaymee's Graveside of Truth, and Sonia (permanently in her Nursing Assistant's uniform these days) dispenses Moomin advice. Oh, and Fill asks Bridezilla to consider adopting Mini-Fill...

BAZZA'S BIRTHDAY BONKBUSTER
Yes, Bazza is a Virgo. How appropriate. He gets a lovely framed picture from Nat and Bazlet. Nat seems to have let the highlights grow out and her hair seems to be the same mousey brown as Juhneen. Soon Baz won't be able to tell them apart - oh no, that's right: Nat is the long-suffering skinny one with a line in pink cardigans; Juhneen is the plumptious leather-clad sex-minx. Juhneen has returned from her weekend with Bad Brutha only to find Baz ready to hump her leg in the middle of the street and demanding Special Birthday Sex. She gets him a watch from Mullet Boy's dodgy watch stall - which turns out to be a mine of non-comedy action, complete with Bad Brutha nearly missing his cue to save Juhneen from another night of Special Birthday Baz Love. They get Baz sleepy drunk and run off to have classy vertical sex behind the dining-room partition. She'll go through that glass if you're not careful, Bad Brutha.

Sullen: "Nobody loves me". That's right Sullen, because you're an child-hating, intolerant, hypocritical old misery. Slutty gets a huge bunch of roses and twinkles about, thinking they're from Fool. Fool is nonplussed when Slutty asks him about them. Later, Mr Byrite Andy worms his way into the Slater home and tells Slutty how much he likes the cut of her jib. Slutty looks cross and throws him out - but only after he says: "I'll be back, little lady. You're a spunky one and that's for sure". Slutty is still cross.

Shirley moans to Pat about having to listen to the Datsuns at 3am. It's Pat's turn to be Advice Lady today, and she tells Shirley to call the council. Nasty neighbour steals 5p off Shirley at the market stall, just to prove how nasty he is. Lock up your adorable cat Shirley, before it's too late!

The M-Martin tedium continues with M-Martin looking stricken and cowardly and whining at Poline. Gay Pike agrees eventually to take the rap (why???) and Poline looks relieved. M-Martin sneaks out to celebrate with Asif and looks unrepentant.

Mr and Mrs Potatohead's wedding preparations continue. Minty seems to have found a bunch of people who owe Fill money and are prepared to pretend to be his friends for the stag night - as long as he ends up naked and chained to a lamp post in Riga.

NC wrinkly sex sub-plot alert. TriniDad's been getting letters from Bajan Rum Lady, and the entire square has been involved in writing the replies - even Drippy, who quoted Byron at him in a Dot-like fashion. Erm...that's it.