THE TRUE MEANING OF EASTER = STEALING BABIES FROM ROMANIAN CRACK WHORES, APPARENTLY
Every so often, EE comes up with a plot that is so utterly crazy/mad/nutcase that all you can do is stare at the screen open mouthed and wonder what on earth they were thinking of. I am recalling such classics as “Babs goes to Spain for Fur-wank’s funeral only to discover that he has faked his own death and is in cahoots with Rula Lenska”, or “The Teen Muppets crash their minibus in the icy wastes of Scotland and Teen and that other girl lez up for 5 minutes.” You can normally tell when something mental is going to happen because location shooting is involved and this week is no exception.

Whenever they don’t know what to do with Dot, they reel out their copy of “Ingmar Bergman for Dummies” and have her having a crisis of faith or whinging on about the Silence of God or something (they haven’t yet had Dot being raped by God in the form of a giant spider, but I’m sure it won’t be long). This week, Jim notes that Dot is sad and takes her on a day trip to where they used to go hop picking in Kent in their youth. Nothing says “holiday” like back-breaking agricultural labour, that’s for sure. Dot goes to pester her old vicar, only he isn’t there any more and there is a nice lady vicar instead. Nice Lady Vicar gives her directions to see Old Dead Vicar’s son, who turns out to be television’s Dennis Pennis.

Dennis and Dot have a fascinating theological conversation where Dennis tries to lay all this newfangled relativistic hoo ha on Dot and she is all “la la la, I’m not listening”. Something happens to make her think her about Nick, so she goes back to church and whines prays about being a bad mother and asks for a sign to prove that she isn’t. As it happens a hard faced girl is dumping her little baby on the doorstep of the church at that very second, so Dot decides to take it home with her. Right.

In other news, Agarry discovers that Sullen has got engaged and acts a bit mardy. He is supposed to sign the mortgage papers with Minty and Naomi but instead makes some mysterious phonecalls and then buggers off to a Registry Office, leaving a handy clue for the others (like a big poster stuck to the wall saying “Don’t forget to go the Registry Office” or something). Minty is cross that his non gay non lover is getting married to someone else. When Agarry gets to the office, he meets a middle aged blonde lady wearing a cowboy hat who gives him a big kiss and tells him she thought he wasn’t going to come. WTF???

Jim (and every sane person in the audience) wants to know what the hell is going on, but Dot insists that they’re keeping the baby (while overacting like crazy to register her much publicised disapproval of such a crappy storyline). They have to babysit Abi, so they rope her into their web of lies and deceit and she helps them hide the truth from Mo, who hears the baby crying and acts all nosy. Abi says that it is a ghost baby and Mo believes her – “It beats signing on, I suppose.” thinks Laila Morse.

Back at the Registry Office, the annoying lady turns out to be Annoying Garry’s annoying mother, whom we shall call Annoying Hazel. She is actually marrying some other bloke, a smarmy colonel type in a blazer with brass buttons, and wanted Agarry to come along. There is a non comedy misunderstanding and Colonel Blazer thinks that Agarry is Ahazel’s bit on the side. He punches Agarry and dumps Ahazel. Ahazel now has nowhere to go, so Agarry tells her to book into a hotel and is all set to drive off back to Walford on his scooter.

Dot finds a Clue in baby Tomas’ nappy and sends Jim to a strip club in Dartmouth to investigate. There are non comedy shenanigans with Jim trying to interrogate a bunch of Albanian strippers and then being marched off to the cash machine by the bouncer to pay £120 for two glasses of baby cham. Meanwhile, the mother, who has a severe fringe and whose name is Anna Kalashnikova or something, tracks Dot down to Walford and says “you crazy lady, in my country when we leave baby in church it is so that baby is raised by wolves and becomes mighty warrior”. Dot asks Anna to move in with them so Anna says “Oh, OK”.

Agarry drives around a bit and then says “Oh bloody hell” and goes back to collect Ahazel. My boyfriend says “Oh f***ing hell, does that mean she’s in it all the time now?” Agarry takes AHazel back to stay temporarily with him, Minty and Naomi, and she immediately sets about embarrassing him with cute baby garry photos. Minty takes one look at Ahazel and is all, “hello, foxy lady” and Ahazel takes one look at Minty and is all, “You’re a groovy boy, I’d like to strap you on sometime!” Agarry is sick in his mouth a little bit and Naomi points out that the childhood photos might be slightly less embarrassing than watching Minty and Hazel rutting on the floor.

Jim remembers that he used to be a racist and has a quick rant about them asylum seekers coming over here and stealing all our jobs. Oh Jim, I don’t think you could get a job as a stripper even if all the legal immigrants were sent back home. He tries to talk sense into Dot and says that Anna is a dirty ho. Dot explains that Mary Magdelene was also a dirty ho so he can shut his cake hole. Jim goes down the street and phones up the Immigration Service, who apparently have a rapid response unit in the area (I don’t know if this is very realistic but it seems to me to be be NOT). Dot et al run and hide in a church and claim asylum but the kindly immigration bloke points out that they aren’t actually living in the 14th century and drags Anna away to be put on the first plane to Boratstan, leaving Jim and Dot holding the baby, both figuratively and literally. It’s an Easter Miracle!